Of Gods & Grunts

by Kyrell Kendrick

  “Whoops,” I said with slight embarrassment.

  “What’s happening?” Arsch asked as he pulled up behind us.

  He was covered in blood and carried a huge knife.

  “You OK?” I was more than a little concerned that I had lost sight of situational awareness of him during the fight.

  “Good now!” Arsch replied. “What’s going on?”

  “Gods are getting into it now.”

  “We should help,” Elly said.

  I looked around the battlefield; Lotash and Glory Beard were mopping the remaining Telethan forces. The humans were at least being intelligent and laying down arms.

  The large god fight, though, had caught more than one gnome or elf eye.

  I looked over to see if BAFB was still doing OK, and was a little disconcerted to notice that he was no longer chewing on Bolokbal; in fact, it looked like he was searching for him.

  “Shit,” I said and drew my comrade's attention to BAFB.

  “What’s he looking for?” Arsch asked.

  “Bolokbal,” Elly answered.

  “What?” Arsch asked.

  Suddenly conscious that there was a nasty smoke monster lurking about, I became hypervigilant. I searched desperately for the creature that had slain two Thorns and swordsman without flinching.

  A wail of pure agony caught my attention. It was even worse than the absolute suffering The Dread Pirate Roberts suffered in the Pit of Despair.

  I knew that sound. Not well, but I figured it out pretty easily. Sonic had lost his rings.

  I looked up to see Brykon, broken, and battered.

  A little tinge of guilt hit me. I mean, he probably would have been beaten without me shooting him. Probably.

  “Stay here!” I yelled.

  As expected, I was completely ignored by everyone around me.

  Hentai Voice changed his focus from Brykon to Tree Beard. Now the god, who had been holding his own, was in a fight over his head.

  We ran up and dispersed. I went center, Elly and the other Thorn went right, and Arsch went left. We didn’t have much of a plan, but we had determination of spirit, or I don’t know, make up a cool-sounding officer term and throw it in.

  Hentai Voice had at least three tentacles wrapped around Tree Beard’s trunk, and two others around his low tentacles. Tree Beard was much larger, and presumably much stronger, but Hentai Voice was slowing his reaction and movements.

  Snarf, on the other hand, had all of his heads locked on to Tree Beards arm things and was chewing away at the bark. Little streams of red sap were running down his entire body.

  The Thorns didn’t waste any time; they had rearmed themselves and weren’t even remotely afraid. They assaulted Hentai Voice with a gleeful call.

  Two spears went simultaneously into its back. Had he been human, both lungs would have been punctured. Unfortunately, his octopus skin was tough.

  I pulled up my M4 and fired at least ten rounds, but to no avail. Each round pushed hard into the skin, and then just kind of fell out, making a clinking sound as it hit the ground.

  Arsch, not wanting to be out of the fight, ran forward with his knife and went straight for his heel, which was still human.

  The knife cut cleanly through Hentai Voice’s Achilles, and he went straight to a knee.

  A tentacle unwrapped from Tree Beard and shot around, chasing Arsch.

  Arsch, however, was the Scoutmaster of Carramon Hall. He dodged the tentacle and slashed. Every time Hentai Voice struck out at him, he was ready.

  Arsch slicing through fuckhead’s Achilles gave me an idea that if I weren’t so fucking stupid, I would have thought of before. You see, in the military, we have this thing called Tactical Combat Casualty Care, or T triple C.

  Anytime someone is shot in the upper leg, they are instantly sent on a MEDEVAC. They are sent somewhere they can do surgery because upper leg wounds are no joke, even if the soldier thinks he’s OK.

  I brought my M4 up to my shoulder and unloaded on douchebag’s legs.

  I watched with complete delight as I turned his legs into something resembling that crap they call meat at Taco Bell.

  Hentai Voice let out a weird scream? Like, can an octopus really scream? Anyway, he gurgled a little and fell. His tentacles unfurled from Tree Beard.

  Tree Beard realized his disadvantage was gone and swept a powerful leg against Snarf’s stomach.

  Snarf let out a gasp as the wind was kicked from him.

  Tree Beard followed through by twisting his trunk and slamming his arms into the ground.

  Snarf released his mouths and recoiled, readying for another attack.

  Tree Beard reached out with both of his giant arm limb things. One missed, but one connected. He grasped Snarf’s left most neck and squeezed.

  A disgusting series of pops echoed through the parade ground, and one of Snarf’s necks went completely limp.

  “I stuck you in a box once before,” Donker said, “and I shall do it again.”

  Snarf attempted to step back, but Donker still grasped his neck.

  Donker jerked hard and pulled Snarf forward. With his left hand, Donker seized another neck and squeezed. Once again, cracks and pops sounded through the parade ground.

  Sounds of footfalls came up close behind, and I turned to see gnomes and elves run-up to give us a hand.

  Lotash came up to my side, his eyes wide, “A god’s skin cannot be pierced by mortal weapons.”

  I nodded.

  The fight between Tree Beard and Snarf was coming to a conclusion. Snarf was definitely going to lose.

  Then I heard the funniest and scariest sound ever. The pounding of hooves followed by the warcry, “BOOOOOBBBBB!”

  The cave troll had resumed his rightful place atop BAFB and decided he wasn’t going to put up with some stupid hydra attacking his tree friend.

  BAFB slammed into Little Bitch. Two hydra heads were torn free from Donker’s grip and fell to the ground.

  The unusually large ursine threw Snarf onto his back and proceeded to claw at his stomach and bite at his throats.

  Bob jumped down and tackled one of the live heads, as Snarf tried to unsuccessfully fling BAFB off of him.

  Donker stood there with a look of utter shock on his face.

  The bear was only on top of Snarf for half a minute before the hydra reverted to the diminutive blue pixie gnome thing. Snarf had been beaten.

  The eerie red glow of the moon faded, and the sound of large rocks moving once again filled the night sky.

  A large crevice opened beneath Hentai Voice, and his body slowly started to fall.

  We all watched with amazement at the spectacle. Of course, none of us approached to get a better look.

  Sounds of torment, torture, and despair could be heard coming from the crack.

  I instinctively raised my M4. I wanted nothing to do with that hole.

  As the last remnants of the body started to slump down, a tentacle lashed out and snagged Arsch.

  I cried out in terror.

  Arsch let out a primal scream.

  None of us had time to react. Within half a second, he was gone into the hole with a nasty beast.

  I yelled and dove for the hole, but it was gone.

  I let my M4 hang, grabbed a sword off the ground, and began to chop in vain at the cobblestone.

  Elly, Lotash, Glory Beard, and even Bob, tried to help, but it was useless; there was no longer a portal.

  I dropped to my knees and screamed in frustration. It was one thing to lose a friend to the unknown of the great beyond. It was another to watch him get dragged into hell.

  “You will have no friends,” I heard a voice say that sent a shiver up my spine.

  I looked up and saw Bolokbal standing there, claws outstretched.

  “And you will have no love,” he said.

  I threw myself to my back, raised my M4, and attempted to take aim at the evil thing, but he was gone.

  I heard a scream come from Elly behind me, and my
heart sank.

  I rolled over and jumped up quickly.

  Bolokbal was frozen in mid-air, his claw-like hands' mere centimeters from Elly’s throat.

  Elly’s look of confused terror matched my own.

  “What’s happening?” I whispered.

  “I’m fulfilling a promise,” Cloy said from behind me.

  I had no idea what promise she was referring to.

  “You can move away from the,” she paused for a second and said with disdain, “god.”

  Elly slid away from him, wary of the razor-sharp appendages that would have surely decapitated her.

  Donker, in normal Donker form, walked up to the group and said, “How is this possible?”

  Cloy rolled her eyes and said, “Be silent.”

  Donker immediately went mute. He kept flapping his gums, though, but no matter what he did, he couldn’t make a single sound.

  A sudden and frightening realization hit me. Cloy was a little bit higher in the food chain than any of the other gods I had met.

  “My Father sent me here to clean things up,” Cloy said.

  “Your Father?” I asked—the notion of what she was saying washed over me. I had hit on her. I had been rude to her. Fuck I called her my fiancé to the Telenathi.

  She nodded.

  I took a knee. Not took a knee like pulling security, I bent the knee like in Game of Thrones.

  “Please stand disciple. I like you better when you are yourself, as does my father.” Her voice was calm and collected.

  I stood up, but I was the only one who had done so; even Donker was on his knees performing a perfect kowtow.

  “This is why I don’t tell people who I am,” she said, sweeping her arm over the field.

  “To be fair,” I started.

  She musically let out, “To be fair.”

  “That’s one of my favorite shows,” I said.

  “I know,” she replied.

  Of course, she knew.

  “Wait, why all the.” She didn’t let me finish.

  “Dad doesn’t let anyone read you. I had to figure out who you were.”

  “Dad, as in?”

  “Figure it out,” she said in a perfect imitation of Katy Kat.

  I forced a smile and then changed the subject, “Arsch?” If she was what she said she was, then she should have been able to assist.

  She shook her head.

  “Why not?” I felt like a petulant toddler.

  “I can only interfere with gods,” she said with a frown.

  “You interfered with me a lot.”

  “I persuaded you. I guided you,” she said, “I never once forced you to do anything.”

  I thought it was bullshit, but I couldn’t argue. “How do I get him back?”

  “You must let him go.”

  “No,” I said, anger starting to rise in me.

  “It’s better if you just forget about him.”

  “Fuck that.” I almost said, fuck you. Caught myself on that one.

  She turned her attention elsewhere, “Brykon, I usurp your domination and claim it as my own. You will be required to remain as a hedgehog until dawn.”

  I wasn’t quite sure what she meant, but you know, divine being, etc.

  “Donker, you may make sound again once the sun rises.”

  “Isn’t that the same thing as dawn?” My inner smart ass was coming out. I wasn’t cool with her leaving Arsch down in hell.

  She gave me a look, and then turned her attention to Bolokbal, “I claim domination over you. You will remain frozen until a human on Teletha recites PI to a million places.

  My eyes went wide. That was vicious.

  “He deserves it, trust me,” Cloy said.

  I nodded.

  “Now then, emperor, I believe this mess is yours to clean up,” she said.

  “Wait, are you leaving?” There was no way she was just going to leave after coming down at the end, just to give a few pointers and go.

  “Yes,” she said without explanation.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  She gave me a grin and disappeared.

  “Dude, what the fuck?” I yelled.

  Elly joined me at my side.

  I looked over at the spot where hell spilled into Teletha.

  “We’ll find a way,” she said.

  I closed my eyes and nodded. There was no way I would leave a fallen comrade behind.

  Grunt to English Dicktionary

  For those dirty nasty civilians who are having a hard time understanding my English, I have created a dictionary of terms.

  6B or Six Bravo Identifier

  Recon and Surveillance Leaders Course, like a mini-Ranger school, but you actually have to think, and figure out what vehicles look like

  ACH

  See brain bucket

  ACOG

  Overpriced, but very effective scope on the top of most M4s. Acronym is Advanced Combat Optics Group

  Air Force

  See Civilian

  B4 or Bravo Four Identifier

  Sniper. Don't run, you'll only die tired

  BAFB

  Big Ass Fucking Bear

  BIP

  Blow in place. Put explosives on explosive to make bigger explosives

  Blackhat

  Airborne instructor

  Blue Cord

  The best people on the planet.

  BOB

  Big Orange Ball, AKA the Sun

  Brain Bucket

  Helmet

  Carbine

  Original: Rifle that can be shot from horseback. Contemporary: Short rifle.

  Cave Troll

  Not actually a troll. A semi-aquatic life form that lives in caves. Moderately intelligent.

  Charlie Mike

  Continue Mission

  Civilian

  Group of people that do things like work and play and stuff. Not quite sure, but they typically pay the paychecks so...

  Claymore

  1. Big ass Braveheart sword. 2. A command detonated mine filled with a bunch of steel balls and about a pound of C4.

  COP

  Combat out post

  CP

  Command Post, or coffee post. Usually full of TOCroaches

  Crayon

  1. Wax stick kids use to draw pictures with. 2. Nutritional supplement for USMC.

  Crayon Eater

  Marine

  Dew Drinker

  Elf that lives on the plains

  DICK

  Dedicated Infantry Combat Killer

  Disorganized Roman Grecko Clusterfuck

  See "US Government"

  Drunk

  See grunt or dwarf

  Dwarf

  See drunk

  EENT

  End of Evening Nautical Twilight. When it's actually dark.

  EOD

  People who blow mines and booby traps up for a living. Usually about twelve hours after you find the IED.

  Frag

  See M67

  Gnome

  Little people who can make things

  god

  Arrogant, pretentious, petty little assholes.

  God

  You want me to define God?

  GOTWA

  Five Point Contingency Plan, Going Other Time What to do if we don't come back, Action on enemy contact.

  Grunt

  A soldier who embraces the suck and kills for his country, or when people deserve it.

  Hey Diddle Diddle

  Right up the fucking middle

  Hooah High

  See Ranger School

  IR

  Infrared. You know like the light that is below red?

  IV Line

  Intervisibility line. Usually a piece of terrain that puts a long curtain between you and the objective or badguy

  JMPI

  Jump Master Pre-Inspection, what a jumpmaster has to do before you can jump.

  Kit

  Tacticool gear that grunts wear. Doesn't include clothes, just t
hings like plate carriers or helmets.

  LASER

  Light amplification through stimulated emissions of radations. Soldier of the year board, bitches!

  LGOPP

  Little group of pissed off paratroopers

  LT

  Lieutenant

  M-4

  Gas operated, air cooled, shoulder fired, 5.56mm carbine.

  M67

  A baseball sized hand grenade with a five second fuze. Well supposed to be five seconds. Probably more like three.

  M855A1 Ammo

  Environmentally friendly ammo that kills badguys better. US Army, killing bad guys and being environmentally responsible!

  Magazine

  A box thing that you put in the pew maker to make the pew maker go pew. Usually has 30 rounds

  MDMP

  Military Decision Making Process

  NODs

  Night observation device. Makes everything black turn green.

  NVG

  See NODs