Straight to Heaven

by Michelle Scott

  Fortress? Just how paranoid were these guys? I glanced at the bartender who rolled his eyes and moved farther down the bar. I wished I could follow him.

  J.T. finished his beer and stood up. “Ready to go?”

  Watching an angry drunk handle a loaded weapon wasn’t how I wanted to spend the evening. “What if we stay here instead?”

  “What gives?” That edge of suspicion was back in J.T.’s voice. “I thought we’d planned to go to the range.”

  I suddenly wished I’d listened to Mr. Clerk and stayed home. “To be honest, I’m a little nervous about going to the range. See, I’ve never actually fired a gun before.” I laughed uneasily. “When we met the other night, I wanted to impress you so you’d be interested in me. See, I haven’t been on a date since I divorced my cheating ex-husband.”

  J.T.’s jaw clenched. “You don’t have to tell me about bad ex-spouses. My ex is insane. She lives down in Florida with my two kids, but she won’t ever let me see them. She’s got some judge convinced that since I have a record, I’m a no-good father.”

  “A record? You mean a police record?”

  He shrugged and looked away. “I did some time for possession of illegal firearms.” He winked. “Good thing they don’t know about the gun safe in my basement. My ex would have a cow if she knew about that.”

  I blinked in astonished horror. A gun safe? Illegal firearms? Dear sinners! Next to J.T., Leo the golfer was a well-balanced, rational human being.

  I needed to get out of there before I got in over my head. I excused myself to use the ladies’ room and headed straight for the otherworld doorway I’d used the night before. Being in J.T.’s company made even Hell seem like a refuge. I’d go back to bugging Mr. Clerk, but I was ending this nonsense with J.T.

  That’s when Craig walked into the bar. He was deep in conversation with a slightly taller man with a large mustache and a head of frizzy, light brown hair that had been pulled into a ponytail. The stranger with the ponytail was talking earnestly while Craig nodded in sober agreement.

  As they approached J.T., I realized that the stranger had an otherworldly shine about him. Not only that, despite the frizzy hair and mustache, he looked familiar. The moment I recognized him, my succubus let out a shriek of alarm, confirming my suspicions.

  William!

  What in the hell was William doing with my client?! I chewed my lip, thinking. Had Miss Spry finally gotten impatient with my countless failed attempts and turned to my counterpart to finish the job?

  I left the doorway and marched back over to where Craig and William had joined J.T. at the bar, determined to dig up the truth.

  J.T., another beer in hand, grinned like an idiot. “Lilith! Come meet Sam Butcher.”

  My jaw dropped. So William was the mysterious Sam Butcher, prophet of the apocalypse. Which meant that he’d been following Craig since the barbeque – the same day I’d been at the golf course with Leo. Although, it didn’t make sense since, at that time, I’d still been assigned to tempt Craig. Unless William was trying to seduce my client before I could!

  William offered me a crooked smile as he extended his hand. “Lilith. Nice to meet you.”

  There was only one reason William would want to steal my client: he wanted to prove that he was the superior tempter. Damn him! Double damn him!! My cheeks blazed. Well, he might know a thing or two about temptation, but I knew a thing or two about exposing liars. Just ask my lying, cheating ex-husband.

  Ignoring his hand, I glared at him. “What the hell are you doing here?”

  William feigned innocence. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “You know exactly what I mean.” I turned up my demon’s shine to maximum. “This man isn’t a sympathizer. He’s an undercover police officer.”

  William’s eyes popped wide.

  “He’s been trying to infiltrate the Great Lakes Militia for months. He has a tip that you’re trafficking illegal firearms into Canada.”

  Craig set down his bottle of beer. “Come again?”

  “She’s crazy. I never…” William sputtered, but Craig threw up his hand cutting him off.

  “You better know what you’re talking about,” Craig told me in a low voice. He was dangerously still, like a snake that was tensed to strike. J.T., too, was giving me the evil eye.

  I smirked at William. “If you know so much about the Great Lakes Militia, then tell me. What’s so important about April 23, 1968?” Asking this was risky because if William had done his research, he’d know the answer. Then I, not he, would look like the imposter.

  “That’s the day the Militia was founded?” Even a human could have read the question mark behind his answer. I had him!

  “No,” I said with a smirk. “It’s Timothy McVeigh’s birthday.”

  J.T. set down his beer as well, both he and Craig crowding in closer to William. William’s eyes darted right and left, and he offered a big shit-eating grin that wasn’t charming any of us. “Whoa, let’s just back up here a minute, okay?”

  I was about to say something that would put an end to ‘Sam Butcher’ once and for all when, all of a sudden, two pissed-off angels walked into the bar.

  It sounds like a set up for a joke, doesn’t it? Two guardian angels walk into a bar. One says, “You take the incubus. I’ll get the girl.”

  But it was no joke.

  One was Harmony, the angel from the post office and the bowling alley. The other was Jed, Ariel’s guardian. Like William and me, they were in disguise. They wore bikers’ leathers and red bandanas, and had added about a hundred pounds of solid muscle. Each. Jed had grown a set of bushy mutton-chop sideburns and added several large rings on his thick fingers. Harmony was smaller but looked just as fierce. Her jet-black hair had been shaved on the sides, and her bare arms showed tattoos from wrists to elbows.

  The pair of them shoved their way between the crowded tables. They dumped over beers and knocked people off their chairs as they went, leaving a wake of outraged customers. Despite the shouts of indignation, however, the angels kept their brilliant blue eyes focused on William and me. Jed cracked his knuckles.

  Before either of them could land a punch, I pointed to William. “I’ve been taken off this assignment. He’s the one you want.”

  Both angels focused on William.

  I smiled sweetly. “Go ahead, William. Knock yourself out and seduce them. Show me how it’s done.”

  Jed’s face tightened. “Is this who I think it is?”

  Harmony nodded. “I believe it is.”

  By now, the entire bar was in chaos. People up close to the action were trying to back away while those farther away were attempting to squeeze in for a better look. Several people had taken out their phones to make calls while others were using them to shoot videos. Everyone, however, looked eager to see a fight.

  As much as I would have loved to stay and witness the carnage, I wanted to get to Miss Spry and find out what the hell was going on.

  J.T.’s eyes were glued to the fight. “Who are those bikers?”

  “Sam Butcher has made his share of enemies,” I said. Jed grabbed William by the back of the neck, thumping his head against the bar so hard that I flinched.

  “I guess so,” J.T. said.

  “I have to go now,” I said as I slid away from the fight. J.T. didn’t reply. He was too busy watching Harmony put William in a headlock.

  Chapter Twelve

  I charged through Miss Spry’s office door without waiting for an invitation. My demon overlord looked up from the papers she’d been reading and raised her eyebrows. “Lilith, civilized people knock first.”

  I was too outraged to care. “Why did you take my assignment away from me?”

  She frowned. “Your assignment? Do you mean Mr. Fuller?” When I nodded, she said, “He’s still your client. No one’s tempted him yet.”

  “But you put William on the job!”

  She set her papers aside. “Yes, I put William on the job, but you’re on as well.
I need the man tempted, for hell’s sake. I don’t care who does it.”

  “So why did Mr. Clerk send me a note telling me that my assignment had ended?”

  Before Miss Spry could answer, William burst through the door. He’d resumed his natural shape, but there was a long cut above his left eyebrow, and blood ran down his forehead. There were peanut shells in his hair, and a beer stain on his shirt.

  I glared at him. “Did you seduce those angels?”

  He glowered back. “That was a dirty trick, Lilith! Those angels could have killed me.”

  Miss Spry was looking less and less happy. “Neither of you has tempted Mr. Fuller yet, have you? You’re both failing me!”

  “Helen, I swear I will make this temptation happen,” William said.

  “See that you do,” she said, “or I’ll cancel both of your incentives. And to think Patrick wanted me to motivate my staff,” she muttered. “I’ve known for centuries that threats work so much better.”

  “Wait, what?” I was astounded. “You offered William an incentive, too?”

  “That’s none of your business,” William said.

  “She did, didn’t she? If you seduce Craig, then Miss Spry will do something for you! That’s why you’re trying to steal my job!” I couldn’t believe it. Double-crossed by my own incubus counterpart! I hated them all. Miss Spry for letting William talk her into something that was supposed to be all mine. William for lying to me. And Mr. Clerk! He played into this as well. “William’s seducing Mr. Clerk,” I said. “That’s why I haven’t been able to do my job! They’re ganging up on me.”

  Miss Spry rang a little silver bell on her desk. Immediately, Mr. Clerk appeared. His eyes were bleary, like he’d been sound asleep. He wore white drawstring pajama pants and a white T-shirt, and his hair was flattened down on one side. When he saw the cut on William’s face, he paled. “Are you all right? Here, sit down! Do you need stitches? A bandage?” He fluttered by William’s side, trying to drag him over to the couch.

  William shook him off. “I’m fine.”

  “How could you betray me?” I wailed to Mr. Clerk.

  “Don’t be so melodramatic,” William said.

  “Melodramatic?!” Finally, everything was making sense. “That’s why you sent me off on that phony golfing assignment, isn’t it? You wanted me out of the way so you could go to Craig’s barbeque!”

  “I did what I had to.”

  “Cheating? That’s what you had to do?”

  “It was nothing personal.”

  “Nothing personal! I was attacked by my fake client!”

  Everyone began shouting. William and I crowded Miss Spry’s desk as if we were a pair of third-graders who wanted to tattle on each other. I shoved my hip against William’s, trying to push him out of Miss Spry’s line of sight while I pleaded my case and shouted curses at Mr. Clerk.

  “SILENCE!!”

  All of us went quiet. My heart beat in triple time, and Mr. Clerk retreated to a far corner of the room. Even William looked alarmed. Miss Spry had grown taller, sprouted horns and leathery wings, and was about ten seconds away from becoming fully demon.

  “Do I have your attention?” she asked.

  We all nodded.

  “Good.” Slowly, her horns and wings retracted, and she settled back behind her desk. “First of all, Lilith, what I do is my own business. I wanted William on this job, so I put him on. End of story.”

  “But which of us will get the incentive?” I asked.

  “Whoever finishes the job first, of course,” Miss Spry said.

  “That’s not fair,” I argued. “Mr. Clerk is in love with William! He’ll do whatever William tells him to.”

  Mr. Clerk cleared his throat and tugged at the collar of his T-shirt. “Not in love. I’d never love anyone. You know that, Helen.” When she didn’t say anything, he changed tactics. “Besides, I’ve told you and told you: don’t pit the succubi against the incubi. It never works out. But did you listen to me? No! Now look at the mess you’ve made.” He threw up his hands in disgust. “If this project fails, then it’s all your fault.”

  There was a moment of absolute silence. William and I looked at each other, shocked. Who knew that Mr. Clerk was capable of subversion? But there he stood, his fists clenched at his sides, his thin shoulders shaking with rage as he attempted to stare down his demon overlord.

  Miss Spry smiled. “William, Lilith, will you please leave? I’d like a word alone with my assistant.”

  She didn’t have to ask twice. I hurried from the office with William close behind.

  I wanted to flee to the relative safety of my home, but I stayed in the hallway. After all, someone had to carry out Mr. Clerk’s ashes. “What do you think she’ll do to him?” I asked.

  William shrugged. “Nothing too terrible. After all, good assistants are hard to come by.” He carefully touched the cut on his forehead and winced. “Maybe I should get this looked at.”

  There was a muffled explosion that made the walls vibrate. Smoke curled from under the door to Miss Spry’s office.

  William and I exchanged worried looks. “It seems she’s angrier than I thought,” William said.

  “Do you think that we should go rescue him?”

  “I wouldn’t recommend it.” William took a clean handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed at the drying blood. “Not unless you’re willing to put yourself in the line of fire.”

  A second blast made the floor pitch, tossing both William and I against the wall. Miss Spry’s door flew open, then slammed shut again, wrenching the hinges so hard that the door hung askew.

  To my relief, Mr. Clerk appeared. The bottoms of his pajama pants were singed, and there was a black scorch mark across his T-shirt. His glasses dangled from one earpiece, and his eyes were wild and unfocused. His trembling lips formed soundless words.

  “Mr. Clerk!” I said, alarmed. “Are you all right?”

  William put his arm around Mr. Clerk and deftly guided him down the hallway. “Open his office door, Lil, so that we can get him inside.”

  Mr. Clerk ignored me, but ate up William’s attention like it was candy. He leaned his head on William’s shoulder. “It was terrible. I thought she would annihilate me.”

  “So did we,” I said.

  When we made it into the office, Mr. Clerk took a seat behind his desk, and ran his fingers through his thin hair. “Helen wants me back to work on this immediately. No more excuses.”

  “Why does she care so much about this assignment?” I asked. “What makes Craig so important?”

  “I think I know,” William said. “She made a bet, didn’t she? With Him.”

  Mr. Clerk nodded miserably.

  “Miss Spry made a bet with God about Craig?” I asked, shocked. No wonder she wanted to win my client over.

  “Your little stunt of visiting Him created a big stir in both camps, Lilith.” Mr. Clerk kept his voice very low and anxiously eyed the door as if worried Miss Spry would walk in at any moment. “You’ve upset the balance.”

  A few months ago, I’d been so overwhelmed by my new position as a succubus that I’d done the unthinkable and tried to get God to bail me out. Unfortunately, it hadn’t done anything but get me into a lot of trouble with Miss Spry.

  “They didn’t like me visiting Heaven?”

  “You never visited Heaven, Lilith. No demon can do that. You met on neutral ground. It was your conversation with Him that’s upset things.”

  I was about to correct Mr. Clerk by explaining that I really could visit Heaven, but changed my mind when I realized that it would probably get me into more trouble. Instead, I said, “What did she bet?”

  His mouth tightened. “She’s put up something that she doesn’t really value. It’s not the thing they bet on that’s important, though. What really worries her is that He might win.” He bit his lip as he considered the blueprint before him. “She’s very upset.”

  “Really? I had no idea,” William said dryly.

&nb
sp; Mr. Clerk straightened his glasses. “We all stand to lose if this man isn’t won over to our side, but so far, nothing I’ve done has worked. No matter how Helen and I try to make Mr. Fuller’s life miserable and separate him from his friends, he keeps wandering back into the enemy’s camp.”

  “It’s that angel’s fault,” I said, annoyed. “Harmony. The irritating little wench.”

  Mr. Clerk gave me a sharp look. “Did you say Harmony?”

  I nodded. “Yes. Do you know her? She’s about my height, blonde hair, blue eyes…”

  “Yes, yes, we’ve met.” He looked even more troubled. “She’s passionate about her work, but still very young and impressionable.”

  William’s eyes twinkled. “Young and impressionable? Maybe I should seduce her.”

  For a moment, Mr. Clerk’s eyes blazed. “Don’t you dare!” Then, seeing our shocked expressions, he cleared his throat and added lamely, “It wouldn’t work.”

  “Besides, William, you already tried that once today, and look what it got you.” I pointed to the cut on his forehead.

  William gave me a sour look and didn’t reply.

  Mr. Clerk spread Craig’s chart out on his desk and laid J.T.’s transparency on top of it. “I see a few possibilities,” he said, “but it will take a while to figure them out and get a new assignment.”

  “Be sure you tell me about it before you tell him.” I glared at William. “After all, Craig was my client first.”

  William put his hand on Mr. Clerk’s shoulder. “Now, Lilith, don’t put too much pressure on Patrick. Can’t you see that he’s already under a lot of stress?”

  Mr. Clerk beamed at him. “Thank you for understanding, William. Now if you two would leave me alone, I can get to work.”

  “Of course,” William said, giving Mr. Clerk a warm smile. I frowned at William and made gagging noises. Not that either of them cared.

  So now, not only did I have to worry about the angels, I had to compete with William as well.