1987: How Do I Get You Alone (Love in the 80s)

by Cameo Renae

  As I tug at the button of his jeans, he suddenly breaks the kiss, resting his forehead against mine. “Dammit, Lyssa,” he exhales. “I can’t. I shouldn’t have taken it this far.”

  I’m taken back by his words, speechless.

  He shakes his head and takes a step back. “We can’t—I can’t do this. It was a mistake. I’m sorry.”

  Is he serious? How the hell can he kiss me like that, then act like it was a mistake?

  “There is nothing wrong with what we did,” I say. My heart is crushed, wondering if I did something wrong. “Is it me?”

  His eyes meet mine, and they look conflicted. His hands rest on the sides of my face. “God no, Lyssa. It’s not you. There is nothing in this whole goddamn world that I want more than you.”

  I shake my head. “Then what’s wrong?”

  His eyes falter and close. “I can’t take advantage of you.” He sighs and drops his head back.

  I’m not sure if I can take much more. The feeling of being rejected is tearing my heart to shreds. “What if I want this as much as you do?”

  He rests his forehead against mine. “What exactly is this, Lyssa?”

  My emotions are going haywire. I don’t know whether to cry or run away.

  “I don’t know,” I whisper. “But this, whatever it is between us, feels right.”

  “I know it does,” he sighs. “And that’s part of the problem. I don’t want you to be a rebound. You don’t deserve that. You deserve so much better than me. I don’t want to give you pieces of my heart when you deserve the whole thing. In a few weeks you’re going off to college, and I’m going to try and get my life together. Right now, I don’t have anything good to offer you. I’m broken, Lyssa. In more ways than one.”

  He doesn’t realize how painful his words are and how much they are crushing me entirely. But he’s right. I’ll be leaving for college and whatever this is between us will probably dissolve. He has plans and responsibilities, and coming here to the cottage to start over never included me. I'm a distraction; with that I'm quickly realizing that he's right. This was a mistake.

  I shouldn’t let it bother me. It’s not like we are a thing anyway.

  But it hurts like hell.

  Lyssa is silent. I’m hurting her, and it’s killing me.

  This wasn’t supposed to happen. Lyssa Taylor wasn’t supposed to be here. It was supposed to be time for me to be alone, planning my future, turning my life around.

  I can see her weighing my words. She knows I’m right. But when tears fill her eyes, I feel like shit. My heart has a different kind of ache in it. Not the same kind of ache you get when you realize your girlfriend is screwing a friend behind your back and doesn’t give a shit about you, but the kind that sends you curling up into a tight ball of regret.

  It takes everything inside of me not to pull her back into my arms, carry her somewhere secluded, and make love to her. I know we could be amazing together. Having her in my life would be a dream come true. But I’m not prepared for it. And I won’t let anything hurt her. Especially on my account.

  God, I wish things were different. I wish this entire situation—my life, her future, and the feelings we share weren’t so complicated. As I look at the bigger picture, it’s obvious the tables are turned against us. Soon, we will be pulled in separate directions.

  But my heart…my heart wants to anchor itself to hers. I can feel it. I just can’t let it happen right now. It’s too soon. I need to be certain the decisions I make benefit both of us. I won’t rush it. Not this. Not her.

  “What if I want to be a part of your life?” Lyssa breathes, and if it’s at all possible, I feel my heart break a little more. Her eyes are filled with sadness and sincerity.

  “How can this work between us?” I ask, hoping she can offer a solid answer.

  We both wait in silence.

  “I don’t know,” she finally says.

  I can’t deny what I’m feeling, and I know she feels something too. I want her so fucking bad, but I won’t allow myself to let her be a mere notch in my belt. If it were anyone else but her, I wouldn’t talk, or debate, or try to figure things out. I’d be screwing her brains out against this tree.

  Lyssa’s not that kind of girl.

  She’s the kind who would give her entire heart to the one she loves. She’s sincere to a fault. I can see how much she cares for me, and I admit I care for her too. But I can’t trust my heart right now. My heart is damaged. It’s broken and blemished. I don’t deserve her, and right now, I’m not the man she needs.

  “Lyssa—” I start to say.

  “No,” she interrupts. “I understand what you mean. This is all happening too fast.” She’s speaking the words out loud to me, while her eyes contradict her.

  She takes hold of my hand and looks deep into my eyes, hers are pooling with tears. “My dad always said, ‘If you love something, set it free, and if it comes back, it was meant to be.’”

  It’s a nice quote and all, but my mind is stuck on one word. If you love something. Could Lyssa love me? True love is proven over time, and we haven’t even been together. Not like that.

  “I’m willing to wait for you,” she says. Her eyes are filled with sincerity; her gentle words tumble from her mouth and enter my chest, hugging my battered heart.

  “Why?” I want to understand why she’d wait for me, knowing my past.

  “Because I know what you’ve been through, Travis. I could never feel the pain or the torment you’ve had to endure these years, but my heart broke for you. I prayed, countless times, that one day you would pull through. And now, I’m here to witness it.”

  “You prayed for me?” I never knew anyone, other than my parents, who gave a damn about me, or what I was going through.

  She nods and a tear escapes her eye and rolls down her cheek. “I care about you,” she replies while I wipe her tear away. I believe her.

  “I care about you too,” I add. “I wish you’d been in my life so much sooner.”

  Then she giggles. “Well, I’ve had a secret crush on you since the third grade.”

  I smile and tilt my head. “I know.”

  Her eyes dart to mine, wide with shock and horror. “You knew?” she gasps. I nod, and her cheeks flush pink. “How did you know?”

  “It was pretty obvious,” I shrug. “The way your cheeks turned two shades of red every time I walked into the room, kind of like they are now. And how could I forget our first kiss.”

  “Oh God.” Lyssa groans and presses her forehead against my chest. “I was so horrible.”

  “No, you weren’t. You were stiff as a board, but you were cute back then too. And your lips were as soft as they are now.” She looks at me and shakes her head like I’m lying. “I felt something when I kissed you in that closet, even back then.”

  “You did?” Her nose crumples, and it’s so damn adorable.

  “I did.” I smile, and the smell of her hair wafts to my nostrils. And it smells so damn good. I wrap my arms around her, hugging her tight, and love how she fits so perfectly against me. “Did you feel anything?”

  “Of course, I did. Don’t you remember that awkward, goofy smile I had plastered to my face the rest of that day?”

  “I did, and it wasn’t goofy, it was adorable.”

  “No, it was awful,” she insists. “Do you think Tiff knew about my secret crush? I mean if you did—”

  “No,” I answer. “If she did, you wouldn’t have been invited back over.”

  “That’s true,” she sighs, and her arms wrap behind my back.

  I press my lips against her forehead.

  “You’re good for me, Lyssa,” I admit. “And if you’re willing to wait for me to get my life straight, and be someone worth having you, I’ll make sure that I succeed. I want to be successful for you, and prove to everyone else that I deserve you.”

  “Don’t do it for me,” she breathes, looking into my eyes. “You have to do this for yourself, not anyone else because other
s will fail you. If we are meant to be together at the end of it, I’ll be there to take your hand and join you on whatever journey the future has for us.” She takes hold of my hands. “I believe in you, Travis. I believe in fate, and I believe that you will succeed.”

  My heart wants to explode. “Thank you, for believing in me.” I lean over and seal her words with a kiss.

  I wonder if I’ll wake at any moment, and this dream will disappear. It seems too good, too impossible, and so incredibly crazy that Lyssa wants this as much as I do.

  The feelings inside me are wild, like nothing I’ve experienced before. What’s happening between us is much more than lust, although lust is playing a part. But there is something so much deeper…a connection between two people who were meant to find and love each other.

  I don’t know what I ever did to deserve to have someone like her in my life.

  We both stare endlessly into each other’s eyes, the moment so profound, like I can read her thoughts without her speaking a word. In her eyes, I see hope, trust, and desire. I also see a future.

  With her wrapped in my arms, Emily is a fading memory. She’s become a blurred mist, dissolving in her light. Lyssa is my silver lining, and everything I do from now on will be to create a better future…for us.

  I’m not exactly sure what happened between Travis and me tonight, but I know it has potentially altered my future. Our future. I toss and turn thinking about what my life would be like with Travis in it. Then, I hear my dad’s voice. “Stay away from that Preston boy. He’s trouble, and I don’t want you anywhere near him.” His words make my heart ache, but I understand why he said them. After seeing Travis high on alcohol and drugs, then getting punched in the face...hell, I’d want my family to stay away from anyone like that too.

  But my dad was impetuous, reacting impulsively to the circumstances around him. Maybe it was part of his military training, but he didn’t know what Travis was like.

  Travis wasn’t trouble. He was in trouble. And those two things were completely different. And because of the situation, he made some wrong choices. If I was ever thrown into a situation like his, watching my best friend die, I don’t know what I would have done.

  Everyone deals with death and loss differently, and I had a feeling the biggest part of Travis’ negative choices were because he blamed himself for Bobby’s death. That’s a huge burden to place on your own shoulders. I could never hold that against him.

  I sigh, as sleep evades me. Being with Travis tonight has given me an adrenaline rush. Even now, when I think about his hands touching my body, and his lips pressed tightly against mine, I’m on a high I can’t come down from. His love is a drug I could easily get addicted to.

  The pain I saw in his eyes when we first arrived is no longer there, and it sincerely makes me happy. I smile, pulling a book from my bag, deciding to read until I get tired. As I open to my last read page, the phone rings. I turn to the clock on my nightstand, and it reads 2:13 AM. Who the hell could be calling this early? It’s probably a stupid prank.

  I wait, listening for Tiff to get up, but she doesn’t. Her door is closed, and they’d had more than a few drinks before bed.

  The phone rings on and off for about five more minutes, but no one stirs. It must be important. What if it’s an emergency? I have just decided to get up and answer it, but it stops. I wait a few moments, thinking they gave up, but right before I settle back into bed, it rings again.

  I pull off the blanket and head down the dark hall, kicking something hard.

  “Dammit!” I curse quietly, hopping on my left foot. My baby toe throbs, but I limp toward the kitchen and grab the phone hanging on the kitchen wall.

  “Hello?” my voice cracks.

  “Lyssa?” I’m confused by the voice at the other end. “Lyssa, is this you?”

  “Mom?”

  Deep sobs fill the line. “Mom, what’s the matter?”

  My heart is racing, and now I’m fully awake.

  “Lyssa,” she can barely say my name. “They came to the door. They came while I was eating dinner.”

  “Who Mom?” I ask. “Who came?”

  “I didn’t want to tell you until you woke, but I had to hear your voice.”

  “I’m okay,” I whisper. “What’s going on?”

  Her vague words hit me like a ton of bricks, and the ground under me crumbles away. I know who came, but I’m not ready to hear it. It’s the visit every military family dreads…a life altering, heart crushing visit.

  “He’s gone,” she wails. “Your father is gone.”

  I try and process her words, and everything goes numb. This can’t be real. This has to be a nightmare. I need to wake up.

  “Lyssa?” she cries. “Did you hear what I said?”

  “Yes.” I push the word out, past the pain building in my chest. Pieces of my heart are breaking off and falling into an endless black hole. My weak legs finally give, and I slip down the wall to the floor. “How?”

  In between heavy sobs she tries to explain. His ship was bombed by an Iraqi jet. More than half of the crew is dead, those alive are injured, and a few were lost at sea.

  I don’t know what to say. I can’t say a word because I know if I do, I’ll break. But I have to. My mom needs my comfort as much as I need hers.

  “I need you here, Lyssa. I can’t be alone,” her voice pleads.

  I close my eyes and swallow the huge lump in my throat. “I’ll be home first thing in the morning.”

  “I’m so sorry, Lyssa. I’m so sorry,” she weeps. Her anguishing cries make my strength waiver.

  “It’ll be okay, Mom,” I lie. I don’t believe my words. How can it be okay? How could it ever be okay?

  My mom has never cried before. Maybe she has, but I’ve never seen or heard it. She’s the strong one, the one who has held our family together while my dad was gone.

  She hangs up the phone, and I remain on the cold, hard floor, alone in the dark. I can barely breathe. My chest feels as if it’s being squeezed in a vice grip. My body is trembling, and my mind is spinning, but I somehow manage to pull myself off the floor and hang up the phone.

  In the dark is a loud, deep sob, and I realize it’s coming from me. My chest heaves, the pain inside, is almost unbearable.

  “Dad,” I whisper in the dark. “Daddy, you can’t be gone.” I’ve never felt more alone in my entire life. He was my world. He can’t be dead. He promised me he’d be back in six months, in time for my nineteenth birthday.

  Before I can rationalize what I’m doing, my feet are on autopilot, carrying me toward the front door. I push it open and run outside. The next moment, I’m standing in front of the shed, pounding on the door.

  When it opens, Travis is standing there. His sleepy eyes blink a few times, then they narrow with concern.

  “Lyssa, what’s the matter?”

  I can’t answer and find myself falling hopelessly into his arms.

  “I need you.” The truth finally flows straight from my heart through my lips.

  He’s the only one I can turn too. The only one who’s ever felt loss. I can’t help the flood of tears or the pain which erupts from my chest. Travis lifts me into his arms and carries me to the back room and doesn’t let me go. He sits on his bed with me cradled tightly in his arms.

  I am weak, my face buried in the crook of his neck. I try to speak, but I can’t. The pain won’t allow me to. He waits patiently; his strong arms encase me, rocking me slowly back and forth as I crumble apart.

  As I settle, he hands me a box of tissues. His eyes are filled with concern, and when I look at him, every emotion surfaces again. But I have to tell him. I have to let him know why I’m here in the middle of the night, a sobbing mess in his arms. It’s not fair.

  “My mom called. My dad…He’s dead. They came to the door. He’s not coming back.” I push out the words quickly, and as soon as they leave my mouth, it’s as if a bullet is shot into my chest, ripping straight through my heart and leaving a gapin
g hole. I can’t breathe again, life and happiness are draining as I think of a future without him in it.

  “Oh God, Lyssa. I’m so sorry,” Travis whispers. He hugs me tighter and gives me another moment as I release the next wave of pain.

  Will this agony ever end?

  He gently strokes my back. “I know there is nothing I can say or do to comfort you right now,” he whispers, “but I’m here for you, and I’ll be here as long as you need me to. I know what it feels like to lose someone. I know it hurts, but you will get through this. I promise.”

  I let his words sink down into my wounded heart. They are trying to mend it, but right now it hurts too much.

  “For what it’s worth, remember that your dad isn’t in any pain. He’s in a much better place. We, the ones left behind, are the ones anguishing. Our hearts break, and we have to deal with the devastation their loss brings. But I believe they are still with us…our loved ones. I know your dad is, and will always be with you, watching over you. He won’t miss a single moment of your life.”

  His words offer comfort, and I realize this is the reason why I’m here. No one else can give me what I need. My heart knew how much I needed his support and empathy. If anyone knows grief, he does. And he’s pulled through. If he could get through a loss so tragic, maybe I can too.

  I know my words mean shit, but there are no other words to say. How do you comfort someone who loses someone close to them?

  When Bobby died, I was inconsolable. It hurt like hell, and I pushed everyone away. I wanted to be alone and isolated myself from everyone who loved me. But now I realize that pushing everyone away is the very reason his death was so much harder to cope with.

  Instead of being alone, Lyssa came to me in her darkest moment. That says a lot. And I’ll make sure to be here, to help her through the pain, and show her that she can find happiness again.

  Maybe that’s why I’m here. Maybe there is some bigger force at work, which brought me back so I could be with her at this moment.