Saving Scotty

by Jocoby, Annie

  She handed me a cup. “Could you please give me a urine sample?” she asked. “The first thing that I need to check is if you are pregnant.”

  Pregnant? I suddenly felt the walls closing in on me. Nick and I always used condoms. My heart started beating out of my chest. To think that there was something inside of me that was put there by that monster…

  I looked at Nick, and he looked absolutely shocked. Mortified. Angry. So very angry. I thought that he looked like he wanted to go out and find Mr. Lucas, right then and there, and rip him to shreds.

  The tears starting coming again. “I, I, I can’t be pregnant,” I said.

  Dr. Montgall looked at me. “Are you saying that you haven’t had sexual relations?”

  I just shook my head. “No, it’s not possible, I…just can’t be pregnant.”

  Dr. Montgall looked at me, and then looked at Nick. I looked at Nick as well, and I saw his eyes trying to convey something to the doctor. She seemed to understand.

  “Well, please give me a urine sample. And, I’m sorry, Mr….I didn’t get your name,” she said, looking directly at Nick.

  “Nick O’Hara,” he said, standing up. He extended his hand. “I’m Scotty’s significant other.”

  She nodded her head. “Mr. O’Hara. Do you mind meeting with me in private?”

  Nick looked at me and then looked back at the doctor. I nodded my head and Nick reluctantly followed her outside of the curtain that surrounded my room.

  I laid there staring at the cup, knowing that I was going to have to be helped into the bathroom so that I could pee in it. I wondered how many more humiliations I was going to have to face. And I prayed that this entire thing was a dream. An awful dream. That there was just no way that I was carrying that monster’s child. No way.

  Nick came back in after a few minutes. “Scotty, honey, let’s get you into that bathroom so that you can give the doctor what she’s asking for,” he said while he gently stroked my hair. And then he softly said “the doctor thinks that you might be having a miscarriage.”

  At that, I saw that my arm was shaking wildly, and I felt like I was on the verge of collapse. A miscarriage? My mind couldn’t comprehend that. That there was a child inside of me, and had been for a few months. I mean, it seemed that I had gotten a period since my stay on the island. It never occurred to me that there would be something like that happening inside of me.

  A child. Mr. Lucas’ child.

  And, all at once, I felt that I needed to vomit. “Nick, give me that trash can, please, right now,” I said. Which he did, in a flash, and I was immediately puking into the can.

  The tears were back, with a vengeance, and, this time, I felt that they weren’t going to stop. All of my nightmares that I had been experiencing since getting off that island appeared to be haunting me now in my waking hours. Because this was what it felt like – a nightmare. A waking night terror. There was no way that something like this was real.

  Whatever it was that was dead inside of me was alien to me. It wasn’t something that was ever going to turn into a human being. It was evil, like Mr. Lucas was. It wanted to destroy me. And I could feel it trying to. I could hear it speaking to me, telling me that I would never get away from what that man did. I could try to deny that it happened, and try to live my life in a normal way, but I would never really get away from it. Ever.

  I should have felt relief. I should have felt that it was the best possible thing that this alien being was dead. The alternative would have been unspeakable – to bring the seed of that man into this world, and be reminded at every turn about the horrors that befell me in that room, with that man. But I didn’t feel relief. I felt violated again. Just to think that this…thing…was ever inside of me in the first place, made me want to claw at my skin and reach in there and bring it out.

  Nick was still right next to me, looking at me with those blue eyes that were now filled with sorrow and rage. Sorrow for me and rage at Mr. Lucas. I wondered, as I looked at him, what he thought about all of this. And I wondered about myself – how I managed to effectively sweep my feelings under the rug about Mr. Lucas raping me on that island. Why I ever thought that I could just attempt to blow past the rage that I truly felt at Mr. Lucas, and go on with life as if it had never happened. It did happen, and it happened many, many times in the span of just those few days. It happened so frequently that I literally was on the edge of suicide. But every time it happened, I went into a place where I imagined that it wasn’t happening. That was my way of surviving. And now this thing was inside of me, and trying to get out, and it was proof that all that I had tried to forget was really true. I couldn’t really deny it any longer, just like I really couldn’t deny my feelings about it any longer either.

  I blinked away my hot tears, and, in a quiet voice, I asked Nick to help me into the bathroom so that I could give the urine sample that the doctor needed. It didn’t really matter at that point. I knew what the result was going to be. It seemed almost preordained.

  Nick gently got me off the table, and, just as gently, wheeled me in the bathroom. “Now, I’m going to give you your privacy now, but I’d like to be with you when the doctor examines you. If you want me there.”

  I just nodded my head as I was wheeled through the bathroom door. I felt numb at that point. Much like when all of that happened to me with Mr. Lucas. Numb. No feelings. I didn’t know if it was shock that was causing me to clam up or something else. I only felt that there was no way that I was going to be able to truly access my feelings about any of this.

  I peed into the cup, and came back out. Nick took the cup and said “honey, I think that you’re supposed to put that cup in that little door in the bathroom. Here, let me do that for you.” And he stood up, the cup in his hand, and put it into the door for me. “Okay, then,” he said, “I’m going to take you back into the examination room so that we can wait for the doctor to talk to you.” And then he got a pair of underwear and a new pad out of the little leather bag that he brought. “But here. Let me help you change before you go back into that exam room.”

  He helped me into the fresh panties and pad, and then wheeled me back into the exam room, after disposing of both things.

  I felt mortified that Nick had to be privy to all of my humiliations. I felt sorry for him, thinking that he was secretly thinking to himself that I was more trouble than I was worth. He really deserved a girl with fewer issues than myself.

  And there was also a thought in my head that I didn’t want to have children, ever. I knew that I had told Nick that I wanted to, and I did at that time. I really did. But having this feeling of the alien being occupying my womb was just too much. I felt dirty and shameful and like my womb was tainted. That I didn’t want any other child to absorb the negative energy that this thing inside of me was putting out.

  It wasn’t rational, and I knew that, even at that moment in time. But it was a distinctly negative fantasy, and it felt real to me.

  Finally, the doctor came back and told me what I already knew. “The pregnancy test came back positive,” she said. “I’m going to admit you to the hospital to monitor you. And I need to schedule you for a D&C. We can do this after the fetus has expunged itself, which might take a day or more.”

  The fetus. It was such an innocent word for what was implanted inside of me by that evil man.

  The doctor looked at me. “And, you have had an unusual amount of bleeding for an early miscarriage. I hate to tell you this, but I strongly suspect that you might be carrying multiples. That has been my experience when a woman comes in with this amount of hemorrhaging. Your boyfriend indicated that you were probably only about ten weeks along. Is that what you estimate as well?”

  I nodded my head. Ten weeks. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Yet it also seemed like it happened yesterday. It was just something that seemed like it would be haunting all of my waking hours, as well as continue to haunt me when I slept.

  Dr. Montgall did look sympathetically at me. “I’
m very sorry for this. I know that this is a distressing time for any woman. But if it’s any consolation, it’s a common occurrence and it happens spontaneously more often than not. I hope that you don’t blame yourself.”

  I looked at the woman in horror. My mind couldn’t process that she actually believed that this pregnancy was wanted. But that was the implication in her words. Didn’t she know that this baby was most not welcome? Couldn’t she understand that this thing was planted inside of me by an evil man?

  No, of course not. Of course she couldn’t see that. Why would she? I was brought in here by this loving man, and any normal person would assume that this child was a product of our love for one another. To think differently would be to give voice to the unspeakable. She didn’t appear that she wanted to do that, to her credit. She obviously wanted to give the benefit of the doubt.

  So, I started to calm down. “Uh, Dr. Montgall, I wanted to tell you the truth about this. Because I don’t want there to be any wrong ideas. This, uh, fetus doesn’t belong to this man right here,” I said, taking Nick’s hand, and looking up at him. He looked down at me with such inestimable sorrow that I couldn’t stand it. “It belongs to somebody else. Somebody who’s…not a nice man. So, I’m not sad or heartbroken to be losing it. I’m not quite sure what emotions I’m feeling, or what emotions I’m supposed to be feeling, but sorrow for losing it is definitely not one of my emotions right now. Perhaps it will be later, because every life is sacred, so they say. But, for now, I don’t feel a bit of sorrow for what’s happening to me.”

  Poor Dr. Montgall looked as if she had no idea how she was supposed to react to what I was saying to her. “I’m very sorry to hear that,” she finally said. “If you need counseling to try to handle your emotions, then I can refer you to somebody who might be able to help.”

  I nodded my head. “Thank you for that. I might take you up on it.” I actually thought that I probably wouldn’t. To say that I was scared to think about what a counselor might dredge up inside of my screwed-up brain was an understatement. Some emotions were better off left buried, I thought.

  I was ready to bury what had happened to me in Mr. Lucas’ house of horrors. I was ready to move past it. Sail on past it and marry Nick, if he asked me, and have beautiful babies with him. I was so ready to do all of that, as if those few days of torment had never happened. But this baby wouldn’t let me. This baby was a physical reminder that what had happened wasn’t just a horrible nightmare. It was real, realer than anything in my entire life.

  “Well,” said Dr. Montgall. “If you don’t mind getting dressed, I’ll get you to your room for the evening.”

  Nick finally spoke up. “I’m going to be able to stay with her tonight, won’t I? And I want her to have a private room. I’ll pay top dollar for the best room you have.”

  “I’m sure that can be arranged,” she said. “We have a private room with a larger bed, so that you can sleep in the same bed if you so choose.”

  I looked at Nick, who was nodding his head. I was relieved about this. Having a private room, and having Nick hold me all night, was something that I so needed at that time, so I was relieved that this was an option.

  That night, after I got into a nightgown that was thoughtfully brought to me by Nick, and I laid there in the bed with him, anticipating that tomorrow I would have surgery that would effectively cleanse me of the rest of the thing that was implanted in me, I once again let my emotions out. And the tears that flowed out of me that night were by the far the most tears that I had ever shed for that man. He had once again taken something sacred from me, and that was the ability to say that any child that I had with Nick would be my first. It wouldn’t be my first. It would be my second, or even my third, child, if the doctor was correct that I was carrying twins.

  And, for some reason, I felt that would be taking away something very special.

  And, right at that moment, I finally felt my true feelings towards that man. They were no longer veiled. There was a burning hatred for him, for all that he did and all that he had taken from me.

  I finally was ready to fry him. And that was something that I was going to do, if it was the last thing that I did in this world.

  Chapter 40

  Nick

  I was lying in bed with Scotty, and I couldn’t tell her how I really felt about what she was going through. I couldn’t tell her that my overwhelming feeling, right at that moment, was relief. I was so concerned and worried that her bleeding meant something life-threatening, because that was what had happened to Michelle. That was the first sign that there was something seriously wrong with my sister, and my greatest fear was that Scotty would end up like Michelle. Slowly succumbing to a hideous disease that nobody had any control over. And that I would lose Scotty, the person that I loved most in this world, like I lost Michelle. I wasn’t sure that I would be able to recover from something like that.

  So, when the doctor informed Scotty that she was having a miscarriage, all I could think about was that Scotty wasn’t going to die. That was all that I understood. All that I knew. Just that. Yet, I couldn’t express this to Scotty. She obviously was devastated, although I wasn’t sure exactly why. I only knew that she was. I was holding her, and I could feel her shaking throughout the night. And I had never seen her crying so much. Not even the first night that she was home with me, and I had to get the inhaler for her. I knew that she wasn’t crying for the life that was inside of her, and was now “expunging” itself. She said that she felt no sorrow for it. I could only imagine that this entire issue of her becoming pregnant by that monster was bringing up the raw feelings that she was experiencing after coming off that island.

  I wish that I knew how to help her. How to erase all that had happened to her. I hated to feel helpless, and that was exactly how I felt in this situation. It occurred to me that I had never been out of control before, in my adult life. I was able to manipulate and control most situations so that I always got what I wanted. But this was one situation where I couldn’t do that. Scotty was going through something horrible. It was hard to imagine that she was so traumatized, these past few months, because she was just so good at hiding what she felt. It had really seemed to me that she was recovering nicely, because she seemed so happy and was really getting back into the routine of work and school so well. Then this happened. And it seemed that Scotty was more shattered than I had ever seen her.

  I stroked her hair while I laid behind her. She kept waking up, throughout the night.

  “Stop, stop, stop. Don’t touch me!” she would scream out, and then look at me with haunted eyes that seemed to see right past me. She would be breathing heavily and sweating, and would look around the room, frightened. “Where am I?”

  “You’re in the hospital, honey. I’m here. I’m right here.”

  But she would just stare at me, as if she didn’t recognize me, and would go right back to sleep.

  A half hour later, it would start again. “Leave me alone! Why are you doing this to me?” But she wouldn’t even be awake when she would say this. Her eyes were still closed, and then she would start mumbling incoherently.

  I even heard her speaking feverishly about a baby. “No, no, no, don’t take her. My baby. Please, please, please don’t take her. No!” And then I looked at her, and her eyes were closed and her head was shaking and tears were streaming down her face. She clutched the pillow and started screaming about them taking her baby away.

  I felt confused about that. She told the lady that she felt no sorrow for the life inside of her that was now gone. Yet, her dreaming about it and begging somebody not to take the baby would tell me that he unconscious mind was feeling very differently about all of that. It never occurred to me that she would ever feel conflicted about a life that was never supposed to be there in the first place. It must have been her motherly instinct coming into place. After all, even if this life was not something that she wanted, and was something that occurred through violence and violation, it was s
till her baby. Being a man, it was difficult for me to comprehend, but I knew that I had to come to terms with the fact that Scotty might feel very differently about losing this baby, or babies, then she had let on.

  Which would make this entire recovery process that much more complex. I knew that I had to help her, to save her from her demons, somehow, someway. I just wasn’t clear on how to go about it.

  I spent that entire night with Scotty in the hospital bed, sleepless and staring at the ceiling. My arm was wrapped around her the entire time. My mind was turning, all that night, about helping her. She needed counseling, that was clear. And she really needed closure on what had happened to her. I would need to talk to her, a bit more forcefully, about the possibility that she should press charges against that man. That might be able to save her psyche more than anything else. To know that he was locked up and she was safe from him. And that he got his just desserts that he so richly deserved for all that he had done to her.

  Finally, the light started streaming in through the windows, and Scotty woke up for real. At first, she looked around the room, and looked frightened. And then I could see the realization dawn on her about what had happened, and she once again looked destroyed.

  She blinked back tears as she looked at me. “Is this real? I, I, I had this dream that there was a baby, and they were trying to take her away from me. I, I….is this really happening to me?”

  I nodded my head. “Yes. The doctor has to come in here to check up on you again. They, uh, need to see, if the, uh, the fetus has, uh…”

  She nodded her head in recognition. “Yes, I remember now. I had nightmares about it all last night. And about him, too. Even more vivid nightmares than I had ever had before. I…” But she didn’t finish that sentence. She started crying again. “Oh, Nick, why? Why do I feel like this? This thing, it belonged to me. It did. I mean, no matter how it got there, it was mine. And now it’s not. I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way now.” She just shook her head, and I held her in my arms while she bawled. “Oh, please, just make it stop. Make the pain go away. I thought that I was over it, but I’m not. I’m not. And I just really want my baby. My baby.”