Uncle John's the Haunted Outhouse Bathroom Reader for Kids Only!

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  GRADE–A GHOST

  The best way to keep Hanako-san from harming you: Let her be. Unless she is called, she will remain in her toilet lair. But if Hanko-san does try to capture you, there is one thing you can do: Show her a test that you took that you got a good grade on. Then she might leave you alone. Why? Because Hanako-san was a good student herself.

  TRUTH OR FICTION?

  Is Hanako-san simply an urban legend used to scare schoolkids into behaving better (or asking to use the bathroom less often)? Or is she a real ghost? A few students have actually reported seeing her. And a lot more don’t want to take any chances. In fact, some students have been so scared to go to the third-floor bathroom alone that they actually peed their pants!

  CHICKEN WINGS

  An Uncle John’s Eerily Twisted Tale!

  WE WERE CAMPING in the patch of woods behind Scotty’s house one night. We’d pitched a tent, but we weren’t exactly roughing it. By the time the campfire started dying out, we’d scarfed down bags of candy, bottles of soda, and a huge bucket of chicken wings.

  “Let’s call it a night.” Scotty started to pour water on the coals, but I stopped him.

  “It’s better to have some light,” I said.

  “What for?” Scotty asked. “We’re going to sleep.”

  “What if I need to get up at night?” I said.

  “Chicken!” Scotty snorted.

  “No, I’m not I—”

  Just then, the chicken-wing bucket toppled over. Chewed-over chicken bones slid out on the ground.

  Scotty stared at the bucket. “Must be the wind.”

  But there wasn’t any wind. The night was hot and humid, and there hadn’t been a breeze in days.

  Scotty shrugged. “Let’s get some sleep,” he said. He held the water bottle over the coals.

  “Don’t,” I said.

  He laughed again and doused the fire. “Chicken,” he said. “Bwaak, bwaak.”

  It took a while for me to fall asleep. I kept hearing shuffling sounds outside the tent. Sometime after I nodded off, the tent started shaking. Then the whole thing started sliding along the ground…with us inside.

  “What’s going on?” Scotty said as he jolted awake.

  “How should I know?” I said.

  The tent picked up speed, thumping and bumping along the ground. I took an elbow to the nose. Scotty got a knee in the gut. Oof! Ugh! Smack! And then—we were falling. Scotty screamed.

  “Ouch!” I yelled as we landed in a heap. The tent collapsed on top of us. I scrambled to find the flap and unzip it. Then I looked out and up. We were at the bottom of a deep hole. I could see stars directly above us, but nothing else. And then…a small, hazy, white head peeked over the lip of the hole, gazing down at us.

  I gasped. “It’s a chicken.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.” Scotty stuck his head out of the tent just as a dozen angry-looking chickens joined the first one, glaring down at us.

  “Chickens?” Scotty said. “There aren’t any chickens around here.”

  “There are now. And they’re mad.”

  The walls of the hole were steep, and I wasn’t sure we could get out. And if we did climb up, those chickens would probably peck our fingers. I sat down on the bunched-up tent to think. One lone chicken flapped its wings and floated over the hole. I could see right through it. I burped, tasting candy and hot sauce, and that’s when I knew. “It’s those wings!” I said. “Those are the ghosts of all the dead chickens we ate.”

  The other birds were peeking over the edge again.

  “It’s your fault,” I said to Scotty.

  “How is it my fault?”

  “You insulted them,” I said. “It’s bad enough to be eaten. But you called me a chicken, like that’s a bad thing to be.”

  Scotty frowned and looked at the chickens. They started bwaak-bwaak-bwaaking at him.

  “Say you’re sorry,” I demanded.

  “I am not saying I’m sorry to a bunch of dead chickens.” The bwaaking got louder and the whole flock of chicken ghosts rose into the air. “OK. OK,” said Scotty. “I’m sorry! Now, can you get us out of here?”

  One by one, the chickens floated to the bottom of the hole. They grabbed the edges of the tent in their ghostly beaks and flapped their ghostly wings, and suddenly we were airborne.

  “Thanks!” I said as they dumped us outside the hole. The chickens walked away. We could hear them clucking for a few minutes, and then all was quiet. Scotty picked up the tent. “We need to repitch this,” he said.

  “No way,” I said. “I’m going home.”

  “Oh, come on,” he said. “Don’t be a—”

  “Don’t be a what, Scotty?”

  He grinned. “Don’t be a scaredy cat.”

  I let out a sigh and started to help him pitch the tent. And that’s when the cats started to yowl....

  THE END

  AMERICA’S MOST HAUNTED SCHOOLS

  Not all students graduate. Some seem to be stuck in school...for eternity.

  HAUNTED GYMS

  •Bobby Haymaker probably thought it was just another day shooting hoops and running laps in the Shoals High School gym in Shoals, Indiana. What he didn’t know: it would be his last day in gym class—ever. The unlucky young basketball player dropped dead that fateful day. Ever since, students have reported hearing someone running laps and bouncing a ball, even though the gym appeared to be…empty.

  •The ghosts of North Dallas High School in Dallas, Texas seem to have left the gym and headed for the showers. The locker room door creaks open on its own. Students sometimes hear strange metallic “tappings” in the showers. And one witness reported smelling a “terrible stench” when investigating the odd noises. (Wait…is this the boys’ locker room?)

  HAUNTED BATHROOMS

  •The boys’ bathroom in Quincy Junior High in Quincy, Illinois, seems to be “occupied”—permanently. The mumbling, footsteps, and sobs students hear are said to be made by the ghost of a student who killed himself there after being dumped by his girlfriend. (Who says middle school isn’t tough?) There’s no proof of such a tragedy actually happened, but students claim teachers keep quiet about it. They don’t want other heartbroken students to spend eternity in the stalls.

  •At Lyon County Elementary School in Eddyville, Kentucky, it’s the girls’ bathroom that has students spooked. The story goes that a student was murdered there and ever since she’s stalked the stalls. Strange knocking sounds have been heard and students have reported glimpses of dark shadows. This bathroom ghost must also like to play with water—the faucets turn on all by themselves.

  HAUNTED HALLWAYS

  •Larry the Janitor had a very bad day when the boiler blew up in his face at Corriher Lipe Middle School in Landis, North Carolina, in the 1940s. Now he’s reported to wander the halls, jiggling his keys. He’s not alone in his nighttime walks. Other ghosts have been seen, including apparitions of children darting around the hallway lockers.

  •The Civil War Battle of Chickamauga was fought just two miles from where Gordon-Lee High Memorial School in Chickamauga, Georgia, stands today. “Twenty-five thousand people were killed in two days,” says Greg Greenshaw, the school’s former history teacher and coach. That might explain the ghostly footsteps said to march up and down the hallways and the lights that mysteriously flicker on and off. The meaning of the town’s name adds to the spookiness of this haunted school. Chickamauga means “The River of Death.”

  HAUNTED PLAYGROUNDS

  •The ghost that reportedly haunts the wooded area next to Wahiawa Elementary School in Hawaii isn’t your ordinary misty white specter. Witnesses say the “Green Lady” that lurks in the trees is a scaly creature.

  •The swing set in the elementary school’s playground in Firmat, Argentina, is a popular place—for ghosts, that is. The two swings on either side of the middle one remain still when no one is on them. The middle swing doesn’t. It’s been seen swinging all on its own for up to ten days before s
topping. Police have consulted scientists who have ruled out wind and either magnetic or electrical fields. “We believe it is haunted,” says teacher Maria de Silva Agustina. “One child called it the Blair Witch Playground.”

  •••

  “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

  —Woody Allen

  REEL SCREAMERS

  Who says kids’ movies can’t give you nightmares?

  THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939)

  Monkeys can be scary enough in real life, but when monkeys fly…it’s nightmare time! In The Wizard of Oz, the Wicked Witch of the West sends her squads of flying monkeys out to kidnap Dorothy. They swarm over Dorothy and her friends, the Cowardly Lion, the Tin Man, and the Scarecrow. Then they stomp the stuffings out of poor Scarecrow, snatch Toto the dog, and fly off with Dorothy in their clutches.

  BAMBI (1942)

  Many viewers believe Bambi contains one of the scariest movie moments of all time. About halfway through the film, Bambi and his mom are nibbling on new spring grass that she’s found peeking out of the snow. Then Mom’s head lifts and her ears go up. “Run!” she tells him. “Don’t look back!” Bambi runs faster and faster with his mother right behind him until—Bam! We hear a gunshot. And as masters of horror know, what you don’t see can be a lot scarier than what you do see.

  WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (1971)

  Finding a golden ticket and winning a tour of Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory seems like a dream come true. That is, until the mad chocolate maker loads the kids up for a boat ride on his chocolate river. As the boat speeds down a dark tunnel, Wonka starts singing in a creepy voice: “Not a speck of light is showing, so the danger must be growing. Is the grisly reaper mowing? Yes!” A wild-eyed Wonka continues to sing as images such as a giant millipede crawling over a man’s face and a chicken’s head being chopped off flash along the tunnel walls.

  TOY STORY 3 (2010)

  “Toy Story Three was the creepiest film I have ever taken my children to,” said one mom. “We watched the movie in the theater, and even my oldest, at age ten, was crying.” Why? Because of the incinerator scene. Woody, Buzz Lightyear, and their friends are tossed into an incinerator where they slide down a mass of debris toward writhing flames. The characters all join hands and close their eyes as firelight sears their terrified faces.

  GREMLINS (1984)

  It’s scary enough when furry little Gizmo gets wet and writhing furballs starting popping off his body. But that’s nothing compared to the scene when Mom grabs the butcher knife. She stalks the evil gremlins into the kitchen, shoves one of them into a mixer and turns it on, stabs another one to death, and then pushes a third into the microwave and hits the start button. Result? Gremlin guts explode all over the microwave’s glass door.

  CURSE OF THE . . .

  We’re not saying curses are real. We have no idea. But if you want to believe, these stories may convince you.

  CURSE OF THE . . . HOPE DIAMOND

  The Hope Diamond is one of the most famous jewels in the world, both for its size and its history. The average diamond is about 1 carat—the measure of weight used for gems. The Hope Diamond is a whopping 46 carats. Its size is only half the story. The other half earned the gem the nickname “Diamond of Doom.” Some say a trader named Jean Baptiste Tavernier started the curse when he stole the giant blue stone from the eye socket of a statue in India. After selling the stone, he went bankrupt. The next owner, Louis XVI, gave the diamond to his wife, Marie Antoinette. Shortly thereafter, they were both beheaded. Subsequent owners have been murdered, committed suicide, or suffered significant financial mishaps. Since 1958, the Smithsonian Institution has held the Hope Diamond, with no additional curse reports…yet.

  CURSE OF THE . . . EGYPTIAN KING

  For hundreds of years, Egypt’s boy-king Tutankhamen rested undisturbed in an elaborately decorated tomb. In 1922, however, archaeologists discovered the tomb, and the curse of King Tut began. An English earl named George Herbert had provided financial backing for the expedition. A year after the tomb was opened, Herbert died of blood poisoning. His lead archaeologist, Howard Carter, lost two assistants during the project, and a number of tourists who visited the site fell ill or died after leaving the tomb. One theory suggests that an airborne bacteria or fungus was present in the tomb, but that has never been confirmed. King Tut’s mummy continues to tour museums around the world, should you want to test the curse in person.

  CURSE OF THE . . . ROYAL WEDDING

  It’s normal for a thing or two to go wrong at weddings. But when Italy’s Prince Amedeo I married Maria Vittoria dal Pozzo on May 30, 1867, things way went beyond wrong. From start to finish, six people involved in the wedding died on the royal couple’s wedding day. First, the woman who was supposed to set out the wedding dress hung herself instead of the gown. Second, the father-of-the-groom’s aide (Dad was King Victor Emmanuel II of Italy) fell off his horse and died. Third, a colonel leading the wedding procession to the church had a sunstroke…and died. Fourth, the palace gatekeeper was found in a pool of blood—his throat had been slit. Fifth: The couple soldiered on and said their vows, after which the best man shot himself in the head. Sixth, the stationmaster was crushed to death beneath the wheels of the honeymoon train. Ten years later, the “curse” claimed victim #7: Princess Maria died after childbirth.

  THE CURSE OF . . . SUPERMAN

  Rumors fly faster than a speeding bullet in Hollywood, including the one about the Man of Steel: Superman. Some say that Superman is “a role to die for.” Voice actor Bud Collyer survived two stints as the voice of Superman in cartoons (early 1940s and mid-1960s). But in 1969, when he returned to voice the role for “The Batman Superman Hour,” he died of a circulatory problem. George Reeves, who played the superhero in a 1950s TV series, died of a gunshot wound to the head in 1959. Whether he shot himself or was murdered is still a mystery. Christopher Reeve, best known for his Superman role in the ’70s and ’80s, broke his neck in a horseback riding accident in 1995. Reeve was completely paralyzed and could no longer breathe without the help of a respirator. His Lois Lane co-star—actress Margot Kidder—was partially paralyzed in car crash in 1990 and went on to suffer a nervous breakdown.

  THE CURSE OF . . . AMEN-RA

  A journalist named William Stead was aboard the ill-fated Titanic when it sank on its maiden voyage. Survivors say Stead told a harrowing tale during the journey. He began the tale at dinner on the night of April 12, 1912. It was about an Egyptian princess named Amen-Ra…or, more accurately, her mummy. Stead claimed to have first seen the mummy at the British Museum. Wherever this mummy was stored—Stead swore—disaster followed. A worker who lifted her coffin fell and broke his leg. A museum guard dropped dead at his desk. A photographer who snapped a photo of the mummy went home and shot himself. And, Stead claimed, Amen-Ra’s mummy was now aboard…the Titanic. Stead finished his creepy tale just after midnight on April 13. On April 15, the journalist and 1,516 others went down with the ship, but what about the mummy? No one knows. It wasn’t listed as cargo on the ship’s manifest. And, what Stead saw at the British Museum wasn’t actually a mummy. It was a mummy case which has been on display there since 1890. Scholars say that the mummy that was once inside the case probably never left Egypt at all. (Or did it?)

  •••

  WRETCHED RIDDLES

  Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?

  A: A hoblin’ goblin.

  Q: What did the mummy say to the detective?

  A: Let’s wrap this case up.

  Q: What happened when the Wolfman swallowed a watch?

  A: He got ticks.

  Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?

  A: Bamboo!

  DR. PUKE

  Would you drink vomit to make a point? This guy did!

  FFIRTH IN MEDICINE

  In the late 1700s, Stubbins Ffirth was a medical student at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelph
ia. He had witnessed the deadly yellow fever epidemic of 1793 when 10 percent of the residents of his city had died, and he wanted to find out how it had spread.

  Yellow fever was a horrible disease. It started with fever and headaches. Next came chills and vomiting. Then the victim’s skin turned yellow. That was followed by “black vomit,” delirium, coma, and…death.

  At the time, doctors had just begun to explore “germ theory.” The theory said that microscopic entities could spread from person to person through bodily fluids such as vomit, sweat, urine, or blood. Ffirth thought that was hokum. In his opinion, yellow fever was caused by the heat and noise of Philadelphia summers. After all, the disease was rare in winter.

  FFIRTH IN THE OLD HEAVE-HO

  Ffirth set out to disprove germ theory by feeding fresh vomit from yellow-fever patients to birds, cats, and dogs. They didn’t get sick. Ffirth wanted to continue his experiments on people, but (strangely enough) no one stepped forward for exposure to the deadly fever. So Ffirth turned himself into a medical guinea pig. His goal: to prove that no matter how often he exposed himself to the disease, he would not catch it.

  Ffirth wrote that he deliberately “took the breath of my patients in my face.” Then he collected fresh vomit from victims and spread it on his skin. He put some puke in his eye and then heated some up in a pan and inhaled the fumes. Next he took several hearty drinks of his patients’ vomit.

  Of course, other bodily fluids had to be tested as well. So Ffirth did the same things with his patients’ blood, saliva, sweat, and urine. When none of this made him sick, he declared that germ theory was “nothing more than pseudoscientific claptrap.”