by Jayci Lee
“It’s a long story, but here’s the short version. I fell in love with Seth, but when he told me he loved me, I told him that I didn’t love him and never would. So he flew away to Paris with a broken heart, thinking I don’t love him.”
“Why the hell would you tell him that when you love him?”
“I was afraid. I was afraid we would end up hurting each other in the end, and I didn’t want to risk that.”
“Seems to me you’re suffering deeply right now, and I doubt Seth is in any better condition.” Jack pulled her into a hug, and ran a gentle hand down her hair. She burrowed into him to soak up the solace he offered. “How is this any better than a hypothetical heartbreak in the future? Which might never happen? Why give up the chance for happiness when you have nothing to lose? Do you think it’ll be harder than what you’re going through now?”
“Jack, I broke his heart. How could I have broken his heart just because I was scared?”
“Because you were scared, Tara. People make foolish decisions when they’re afraid.”
Something that felt like life fluttered in Tara’s chest. She’d chosen wrong because of her fears, but maybe she could change that. Maybe she deserved another chance. She stepped back from the hug and said, “Hey, are you calling me a fool?”
“If the shoe fits.” Her lovely big brother grinned back at her. “So what are you going to do now?”
“Fix my monumental mistake, of course.” Hope and fear were duking it out inside her. “What if he doesn’t forgive me?”
“Are you going to let ‘what if’ make the decision for you again?”
“No.” Tara shook her head resolutely. “Never again.”
“There is the little sister I know and love.” Jack tousled her head. “Now go and do whatever you need to do. I have you covered with the fam.”
“Thanks, oppa.”
She ran for the back office. There was no time to drive home right now. Tara needed to get to Paris as soon as possible. She woke the sleeping computer with a jiggle of the mouse, and jumped on the web. Heart pounding, she searched for the earliest flight to Charles de Gaulle. Luckily, there was a redeye to Paris tonight. It would take a chunk of her savings to buy a one-way ticket, but she would deplete her unborn child’s future college savings to get to Seth. Without blinking an eye, she hit buy.
Tara didn’t bother with a return ticket because she had no idea when she would be returning. She planned on staying there as long as necessary to win Seth back. She didn’t want to leave her family in a lurch, but Weldon Brewery would be fine with the four of them for a while. With her decision made and her ticket bought, her urgency to go to him only grew. Almost a month had passed since Seth had left. Why the hurry now? Who knows? But every fiber in her being was telling her to go to him. Now.
“Jack,” she yelled out to him. “I’m going home to pack.”
“Okay,” he said nonchalantly. “Bring me back some macarons.”
The drive home was slow because she was shaking and had to pay extra attention to the road. She wouldn’t be able to handle the long drive to the international airport.
“Call Aubrey.”
Her car obediently dialed Aubrey, who picked up on the second ring.
“Hi, Tara.” When she didn’t respond right away, her friend asked in an alarmed voice, “What’s wrong?”
“You’ve been asking me that every time I call you lately. Can’t a girl call her best friend just to say hello?”
“Of course, you can. But are you?”
“No. To hell with hello,” Tara said, suddenly impatient. “I need your help, Bree.”
“Anything.”
“I need a ride to the airport. I have a flight out at ten o’clock tonight.”
“Oh, thank God,” Aubrey said with feeling.
“I don’t want you guys telling Seth anything. I have to do this on my own. Plus, I’m afraid he would run away if he knew I was coming.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. He would never run away from you.”
“What do you call flying to Paris four days early?”
“Getting there a few days early for his new job?”
“Quit making sense. I feel inferior when you do that,” Tara said wryly.
“You’re in love. You’re not supposed to make any sense when you’re about to fly across the ocean to get your man back,” Aubrey said. “Your flight’s at ten o’clock? That doesn’t give us much time. Getting to the airport alone will take us three hours with traffic. And you need to get there two hours before your flight time for international flights.”
“Right. I’m almost home, and I’ll be packed in ten minutes. What’s the best outfit for groveling?”
“Tight jeans and a billowy top. The jeans will make you look good and the loose top will hide any anxiety sweat stains.”
“Good call,” Tara said, putting her car into park. “Okay. I’m home.”
“Got it. I’m going to put Justine in charge here, ask my mom to watch Morgan for the rest of the evening, and have Landon pick up the baby after work.” She was probably ticking them off her fingers. “I’ll be at your house in half an hour.”
“Sorry about putting you through so much trouble.” She couldn’t forget that her best friend now had a family of her own. Being a working mom was hard even without emergency chauffeur duties.
“Do not apologize. You would do the same for me in a heartbeat.”
Tara couldn’t argue with that. So she didn’t. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
She pushed herself out of the car, her trembling somewhat better, and let herself inside. The house was quiet and she didn’t run into anyone on her trot over to the garage. She quickly spotted her carry-on case and rolled it to her room.
Tight jeans and loose shirts. Right. Not allowing herself to think too hard, she packed as many of them as she could in her small suitcase, only leaving room for panties, bras, and toiletry. If she needed anything, she could buy it over there. She had twenty minutes to spare so she took a quick shower and changed into a pair of tight jeans and a billowy tunic.
Her cell phone buzzed at the thirty-minute mark. Aubrey was here. Oh, my gosh. This was really happening. She was doing this. She breathed in and out through her nose, and squared her shoulders. Damn right, I’m doing this. I’m going to win my man back.
CHAPTER TWENTY
The cab ride into Paris from Charles de Gaulle airport took over an hour, and she fought against the sleep that tugged down her eyelids. She’d caught snatches of sleep on the plane, but not much. Her mind had refused to relax enough for true sleep to come. The long drive through the rather gloomy, industrial part of the city transitioned abruptly into the stunning, picturesque heart of Paris. Her sigh was automatic and soul deep. The most romantic city in the world. She hoped some of that romance would work in her favor.
Aubrey had given her Seth’s work and home address. Since it was already past eight in the evening, Tara was headed straight for his place. What if he didn’t want to have anything to do with her? She wouldn’t be surprised if he gave her the boot tonight. But she wouldn’t let that discourage her. She planned to camp nearby and visit him every day until she wore him down. She wasn’t leaving Paris until he heard her out. The problem was, she’d left in such a rush that she didn’t have reservations for a room. Hopefully, not all the decent rooms were sold out.
“Is there a view of the Eiffel Tower on our way?” she asked to distract herself from her growing anxiousness.
“Non. But if we go a little around that way, you see the top of it.” The driver glanced back at her. “You want to see?”
“Yes, please.”
She was stalling, but the view of the Eiffel Tower might give her a dose of extra bravery. And she was right. The brightly lit tower rose into the sky—postcards and posters couldn’t capture its immense presence—and even seeing just the tip of it made the fact that she was in Paris sink in.
When she’d last come
to Paris, she was bold, adventurous, and fearless. But after that summer, she’d let Jason take that away from her, and she’d lived in fear since. Well, no more. Loving Seth taught her that she didn’t have to curl into herself to protect her broken soul. Loving Seth meant opening up her heart so that he could help her heal. She could still be the bold, adventurous, and fearless woman she was meant to be. No. She already was that woman. And she was brave enough to come all the way across the ocean to win back the man she loved. I can do this.
The cab stopped and idled in front of a street filled with beautiful apartments. She didn’t know her architecture, but the buildings were old and ornate. The driver got out of the car, then popped the trunk. Tara got out and met him on the sidewalk. She thanked him when he handed the small carry-on to her. For no apparent reason, she stood where he’d dropped her off and watched the cab disappear down the narrow street.
She was terrified, but she had to believe that she could convince Seth to give her another chance. She couldn’t consider the alternative. For a month, she’d existed believing that she had lost him forever, and that wasn’t living. Merely existing like a ghost in this vibrant, beautiful world was unthinkable. She wanted to be with him and live to the fullest.
With a determined nod, she turned to face the building. Seth was in there. After being apart for so long, being this close to him made her heart sing with joy … before terror knocked it aside. A single look or a word from Seth could crush her heart. But she had to remember … taking this risk gave her a chance at a real life. If he sends her away, then she would only be back to where she was. It couldn’t hurt more than sending him away the way she had.
She looked for his name on the intercom. Even when she found it, she couldn’t get herself to press it right away.
“Oh, for goose’s sake.” She closed her eyes and pressed the button, long and loud.
When there was no response, she peeked from one eye to make sure she hadn’t pressed the wrong button. Her finger still hovered right by Seth’s name. She had pressed the right one. Did he know she was out here? Was there a camera? Of course, he must’ve seen her through the intercom with her face scrunched and her eyes squeezed shut, and ignored it.
Her stubbornness kicked in and gave her some much-needed energy. She’d come too far to be sent away at the gate. She pressed the button again with her eyes wide open this time.
“Dammit, Seth.” At least answer the intercom.
She buzzed him in three rapid successions. She wanted to hit the damn thing, but someone was coming out of the building, and she didn’t want to get arrested for destruction of property.
“You come in?” asked the young woman when she opened the gate to come out.
“Really? May I?” Tara asked with her hand on her chest. She was ever so grateful. The other woman must’ve seen how desperate she had been to reach Seth on the intercom.
“Mais oui.” She stepped out of the building and held the gate wide open for Tara to get through with her rolling bag.
“Merci. Vous êtes très gentile.” Tara waved as the nice woman smiled and walked off to her destination.
He might not want her near him, but she was inside, one step closer to him. Ha. He lived on the sixth floor, so when she spotted what appeared to be an elevator, she walked toward it. It was the size of a small pantry and had iron railings as the door. She slid it open and got inside. She and her bag filled it to maximum capacity.
When the door didn’t automatically close, she fiddled with the handle and closed it by hand. She pressed the button for the sixth floor, but it didn’t light up, and nothing was happening to the elevator. Too nervous to trust the old-fashioned contraption anymore, Tara got off the teeny elevator and headed for the open stairway in the lobby.
The stairs were narrow and steep, and difficult to maneuver carrying a bag, which got heavier by the minute. By the time she reached the sixth floor, Tara was out of breath and had a sheen of sweat on her forehead. She stood at the top of the stairs taking a moment to catch her breath, so she wouldn’t be a panting, sweaty mess when Seth saw her through the peephole. Maybe that was better than pale and petrified. The exertion had probably put some color in her cheeks and now might actually be the best time to knock on his door.
She dragged herself and her bag up the last few steps to reach Seth’s door, and knocked.
“Seth,” she called out. “It’s Tara.”
No answer.
“Please open the door. Just hear me out. Please.” She rapped on the door again. “Are you home?”
Maybe he was out, but her paranoid mind told her that he was home on the other side of the door, silently listening to her plea. Heart steeled and cold. Wanting her to suffer. Because she deserved it.
Her knees threatened to buckle so she leaned against the door. “Aubrey says hello. Don’t be mad at her for giving me your address. I’m her best friend and she probably couldn’t help but take pity on me. I’ve been such a wreck. If I had more energy, I would’ve noticed how many people I was worrying. It seems I’ve been too nice lately, and it was freaking people out. I’m a little offended, but then again Little Miss Sunshine just isn’t me. I think I’ve been trying to make up for what I did to you by helping other people.”
Reason returned to her. Seth might be angry with her, but he wasn’t cruel. If he was home, he would’ve opened the door by now. But even knowing he wasn’t home didn’t stop her from spilling her heart out to the freaking door. The words wouldn’t stop.
“But I don’t want you to worry. I’m not here to make you worry. Being here near you is making me feel alive again. And I’m terrified—really terrified—that you won’t give me another chance, but knowing that I tried to win you back will help me move forward. I don’t want a life without you, but I’ll respect your decision. I’ll continue to dream, and follow my passion. I won’t be whole, but I’ll be something.”
She cleared her throat. It was true. She was done with existing like a ghost. Life was too precious and amazing to watch it pass by while she wallowed in a fog of grief. She was going to do everything in her power to convince Seth to give her another chance, but if it really was over, then she would go on. She wasn’t going to allow anyone or anything to erase who she was. She had the power to decide who she was and to live the life she chose. Loving Seth had taught her that.
“I didn’t mean it. Any of it. Especially the part when I said I could never love you. How could I never love you if I’m already in love with you? That was the biggest lie I’d ever told. But I need you to hear this. Even if I’ve irrevocably broken your heart and you could never trust me again, know that I love you with everything in me. I love you so much that being with you makes the world a place full of hope and promise, and I feel like I can do anything. With you by my side, I won’t be afraid of losing myself again, because you bring out everything true inside me.”
Closing her eyes, she soaked in the fact that she was in Paris. He was in Paris. They were so close. Seth.
“How did you fall in love with me when I fought so hard to stay distant? Do you…” Tara swallowed. Maybe it wasn’t true anymore. He might not love her. He might hate her. “Seth? Do you still love me?”
“Tara?” A voice—a voice she loved and would know anywhere—said from the stairway.
She spun to face him and lost her balance, but Seth was instantly by her side to catch her from falling. They stared at each other, breathing hard. Did he know she’d been talking to the door all this time, confessing her love to it? What could he be thinking? Once she gained her balance, she stumbled back from Seth and smoothed her hair away from her face.
“Hello, Seth.” She sounded so formal. Talking to the door had been much easier than talking to the real-life man. He was so tall, so handsome, and so … confused. She tried to rectify the matter. “Um, hi.”
“What are you doing here?” he said, his eyes traveling over her as though checking to see if she were real.
“I came to see yo
u. To talk to you.” She took a step toward him. “Is it okay that I came?”
“I … yes … no…,” he stuttered, the furrow between his eyebrows deepening. She didn’t know what to make of it. She’d never seen Seth truly flustered. She was just thankful that there was a yes in the middle of his muddled response. And yet she couldn’t ignore the no either.
“Should I … do you want me to come back tomorrow?” Please don’t send me away. Please don’t send me away.
“What? No,” he said adamantly. Abruptly picking up her bag, he unlocked and opened the door. “Please. Go on in.”
She had the ridiculous image of Seth slamming the door once she walked in, and locking her in from the outside. She took a deep breath and forced her feet to move her forward and into the apartment. Her eyes widened at the modern interior, so different from the outside, and how bare the place was. Other than some boxes strewn about, the living room was empty.
She turned around to make sure that Seth had followed her inside, and jumped a little when she discovered him rather close behind her.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, taking a step back. He scratched the back of his head and looked around his apartment rather despondently. Then, as though he had just discovered the fact, he said, “There is nowhere to sit.”
“That’s okay. We could stand.”
“Do you want a drink? I have coffee and wine.”
“I’ll have a glass of wine. Thank you.” She could use a bit of liquid courage before she poured out her soul to the man she loved.
Seth lumbered to the small, bare kitchen and opened and shut every cupboard. But other than a couple of used glasses in the sink, there were no clean wineglasses to be found. He grunted in disgust and poured the wine into two clean-looking mugs on the counter. “Sorry. I wasn’t expecting a guest.”
“Why not?” she asked. He lived here now. Why was he living like he was crashing at someone else’s place?
His eyes rose to meet hers and flitted away. Then he shrugged in response.