Better Than Perfect

by Kristina Mathews

  “What about school?” Johnny asked. “I thought you were going to quit the foundation and get your teaching credential.”

  “It’s just an idea I was toying with, but…” She gazed out the window.

  “But what?”

  “This year’s camp was really special.” She turned toward him and started to say something else. “I don’t know, just some ideas running through my head.”

  “Why don’t we go for a walk?” Johnny had some ideas of his own running though his head. But he needed to get out and stretch his legs. “I need to do a little shopping, too. Maybe you can help me pick out a few things.”

  “Sure. I’d love to help.” She smiled at him, probably thinking they would be looking at lamps or maybe some throw pillows for his apartment.

  “Then, I thought we could have lunch on Union Square. Somewhere I never could afford to take you before.”

  “That sounds wonderful.”

  He found a place to park and helped her out of her seat. They walked around, doing a little window-shopping and people watching.

  They cut across the park. Johnny found an unoccupied bench and motioned for her to sit down. They sat watching pigeons peck around the sidewalk, searching for a meal.

  “So, this morning…” Johnny wasn’t sure how to bring up the subject. First of all, it had been amazing. What a way to start the day. But they hadn’t used a condom.

  “Look, I’m sure it’s fine. Let’s not get too worried until we have to.”

  “I’m not worried.” He’d been thinking about it. Especially after seeing all the kids at Zach’s private school. From kindergarteners with backpacks bigger than they were, to eighth graders with attitude leaking from every pore. “I kind of like the idea of having a baby with you.”

  “Oh really?” She had a teasing note in her voice, but also a tiny hint of fear.

  “Yeah. I missed out the first time. I think it would be fun.” Sure, easy for him to say. He wouldn’t be the one carrying the baby. Delivering the baby. Nursing the baby.

  “Fun?” She didn’t sound so convinced.

  “Just so you know…” He hesitated, because once he said his plans out loud, there was no taking them back. “I’m retiring at the end of this season. Win or lose. No matter what. I’m hanging up my cleats after the last pitch.”

  “Oh, Johnny, you still have a lot of baseball left in you.” She was always his number one fan.

  “Maybe. But if I keep playing baseball, I’m afraid that’s all I’ll have.” He’d traded his relationship with Ali for his career. It had been a damn fine career, but now that he knew everything he’d given up, it didn’t seem like such a good trade after all.

  “Have you told anyone your plans?” She rested her hand on his forearm. Like maybe she could change his mind.

  “Only you.” He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. “I want more. I want to be there for you and Zach. And if there is a player to be named later… Well, I think we should get married.”

  “Married?” She sounded so shocked. As if he wasn’t capable of even thinking about marrying her. Hell, he’d thought about it a lot. There were so many times he’d wanted to just haul her off to one of those all-night wedding chapels in Reno. He’d just never had the money.

  “Yes. I think we should get married.” He stood up, reaching for her hand. He hoped she’d think it romantic to walk across Union Square into Tiffany & Co. She could pick out any diamond she wanted and he’d drop down on one knee to make it official.

  “Let’s not rush into anything.” She stayed rooted to the bench. “I mean, it was only one time, and—”

  “Not rush into anything?” Johnny felt like he’d been drilled by a fastball right to the chest. “Sure. How much more time do you need? Another fourteen years?”

  “That’s not what I meant.” She stood, but Tiffany’s was the last place he wanted to go to now. “This is exactly why I didn’t… Look, can we not do this right now?”

  “Is this why you never told me about Zach? You didn’t want to marry me? You never wanted to marry me? I wish I’d known that years ago. I might have been able to have a life.” He started to walk back to his Jeep. He didn’t want her to see how much she’d hurt him.

  “Johnny, wait,” she pleaded, with enough remorse in her voice that he stopped, turned around.

  “I leave for Arizona the day after tomorrow,” he informed her. All his emotions shut down. He was The Monk. Unable to feel anything other than perfect control. “I want a paternity test before I go.”

  “Of course.” She shouldered her bag and walked off across the square.

  Fine. He should let her go. Just let her walk out of his life for good.

  But if they had a child together, he couldn’t do that. And if they had another on the way?

  He needed to find out for sure about Zach, first. He’d worry about whether or not Alice was pregnant later.

  15

  “Hey man, I need a favor.” Johnny had called Bryce as soon as he’d gotten home.

  “Already taken care of.” Bryce was too laid-back. Nothing bothered him. Life was one big party. “I had to sacrifice my body, but I convinced Ms. Parker to keep the story to herself.”

  “Thanks. I appreciate that.” Johnny could at least put that worry to rest. “But that’s not why I called.”

  “Shoot. Whatever you need, I’ll see what I can do.”

  “I was just going to go for a run.” Johnny never did like to talk over the phone. He’d rather be doing something. Especially when he had something important to say.

  “You need a running partner.” Johnny liked that Bryce got it. He didn’t have to ask. “I’ll lace up my shoes and meet you at the statue in front of the ballpark.”

  “Sounds good.” His apartment was conveniently located near his work. Bryce must have made the same consideration when choosing his place. Or maybe it was just that the construction of the ballpark had revitalized that part of the city. They’d built a lot of luxury condos nearby.

  They met in front of the stadium. The brick structure looked a little lonely this time of year. But come April, the place would be a hubbub of activity. Home stands ranging from three to nine games would bring in the crowds. Last year well over three million fans had packed into the ballpark. Twice the attendance of Johnny’s last team.

  The closer they got to the season, the more Johnny worried about living up to their expectations. Did he have enough left to justify what they were paying him? Could he stay focused on his game when he had so much going on in his personal life? For years, he didn’t have a personal life. Now he had too much of one. Alice had hurt him, yet again. And if it wasn’t for the kid, he’d say to hell with it. A guy could only take so much grief.

  He wanted to do right by Zach. If he really was his kid. Hell, even if he wasn’t. He liked the boy.

  They ran at least a mile before Johnny felt comfortable bringing up his issues.

  “I need a paternity test. One that will hold up in court.” Not that he intended to sue for custody, but he wanted to have all his bases covered. “You said you don’t need to draw blood, right?”

  “That’s right. They do a simple cheek swab. Totally painless.” Bryce took the opportunity to grab a quick gulp of water. They were heading downhill, and neither of them had been running at full speed. Not much more than a jog, really.

  “How soon can I get the results?” Johnny would like to have them before he left town and needed to focus entirely on work.

  “I think two to three days.” Bryce slowed his pace, seeming to understand they weren’t really there for a workout. “It helps that you and the kid are in the same town. You could even go in together if you want.”

  “That’s what I want.” No. Not exactly. But since he couldn’t go back in time, it was as close as he was going to get.

  Bryce pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket.

  “Let me pull up the website for the company I used. I’m pretty sure they’r
e nationwide, so they should have a lab here in town.” He made it sound so simple. Like he was referring a friend to a dentist or an auto repair shop. “Yes. They have a lab here. I’ll email you the link. You can check out the website. There’s even a YouTube video that walks you through the process.”

  “Thanks, man. I appreciate your help with this.” Johnny was glad he had someone he could turn to right now.

  “No problem. What are friends for?” Bryce asked and Johnny realized he hadn’t had anyone call him a friend since Mel. Sure, they’d all said he was a good guy. A good teammate. But never a good friend. “Hey, how is everything else going? I mean with Alice?”

  “It’s not.” Johnny exhaled in frustration. He pretended to stretch out a cramp. “I thought it was good. Hell, it was great.”

  Bryce just nodded. Like he understood.

  “But then when I found out that Zach might be my kid…” Johnny was still reeling from it, alternating between pride and absolute terror at the thought of being a father. “I guess I pulled back a little too much. But it was kind of a shock.”

  “Especially for you.” Bryce chuckled. “Who would have thought ‘The Monk’ would have a love child?”

  “Yeah, that whole monk thing has gotten old.” Johnny had taken the nickname in stride at first. It was all part of the game. Spending that much time with a group of guys, it was bound to happen. It was meant in fun, but once the media got hold of it, and the public embraced it, he couldn’t shake it.

  In a way, he’d used the image to his advantage. No one expected clever sound bites. That whole vow of silence thing came in handy there. And no one expected him to party when they went on the road. He kept to himself mostly and since he wasn’t critical of his wilder teammates, they left him alone.

  But he was tired of being alone.

  “It was enough of a shock that she’s convinced it led to her father-in-law’s heart attack.”

  “Is he alright?”

  “Yeah. It had nothing to do with our news. But she was pretty torn up about it.”

  “So here’s your chance to be there for her.” Bryce was trying to be helpful. “She could probably use some comfort.”

  “Oh, I was there. And I offered my comfort.” Johnny closed his eyes, recalling the night they’d spent together. And the morning. Had it only been a few hours ago? Hell, it felt like a lifetime.

  “So, maybe she’s still feeling guilty about her ex’s family.” Bryce tossed out the idea. “I was never close to my in-laws, but I do know guys who stayed in touch with their exes’ families.”

  “She’s very close to them. I think that may be one of the reasons she never said anything sooner.” Johnny was getting the hang of this sharing business. It was actually somewhat helpful. “The kid looks just like me. He’s got my eyes, my dopey smile. Hell, he’s even got my arm.”

  “That’s great. A chip off the old block?”

  “Yeah. But the Harrisons lost their only son.” Remorse stabbed Johnny in the gut. For not being there when it happened. And for taking their grandson away. “Zach is all they have left.”

  “Look, I get that you feel bad. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t fight for what’s yours.”

  Johnny thought about that for a minute. He wanted to fight for her. Something he hadn’t had the courage to do fourteen years ago. But he didn’t want to be like the guy who held on when everyone around him knew it was a losing cause. Whether it was hanging up his cleats or walking away from the only woman he’d ever loved, he didn’t want to go out a loser.

  “I don’t know if she wants me to fight for her.” He leaned over, sucking in a few deep breaths. “I thought she did. I thought maybe that was the one way I’d failed her all those years ago. I just walked away, thinking I had nothing to offer her anyway. I figured I’d make the big leagues and come back, dazzling her with a big contract and an even bigger ring.”

  “Didn’t work out that way, did it?”

  “It most certainly did not.”

  “But you didn’t give up on her.” Bryce started jogging in place. Ready to head back the way they’d come. “You were more faithful to her than most married guys in this league. So why give up now?”

  “She said I’m rushing her.” Johnny still couldn’t believe that. “Fourteen years, I’ve been waiting for this woman. Waiting for the life that should have been mine all along. And she gets cold feet.”

  “I don’t know, maybe it’s because of the kid. Maybe she’s afraid of making a mistake.” Bryce started jogging back toward the ballpark.

  “The thing is, we might’ve made another mistake.” Johnny joined him stride for stride. It was so much easier to talk when he was moving. “Not that Zach’s a mistake. He’s a great kid.”

  “She could be pregnant?” Bryce didn’t even miss a step.

  “Yeah.” Johnny kept jogging, the words coming easier with each step. “I tried to assure her I’ll be there for her and the baby, if there is one. Told her I’m quitting after this season. And we can get married.”

  “Whoa. You’re quitting?” Bryce stopped in his tracks. He shouldn’t be surprised. It wasn’t like Johnny was still a young player. “Wait. Did you propose?”

  “I didn’t get the chance. I told her I thought we should get married. And then I was going to take her to pick out a ring—”

  “Before or after the discussion of the possible pregnancy?”

  “After. I think.” Johnny couldn’t remember. He just knew he’d blown it. Did the order matter at this point?

  “There’s your mistake, man.” Bryce gave him a hearty clap on the back.

  “What?” It might as well have been a sucker punch.

  “I don’t care how practical a woman is, you never propose by saying it’s the right thing to do.” Bryce chuckled, like Johnny had somehow missed the most basic rule. “Women want romance. They don’t want to think the only reason you’re asking is because you knocked them up. Trust me, it will only make things worse. Even if she says yes.”

  “Well, it worked for Mel.” Shit. Would he ever be able to let that go? “There’s no way she would have married him if she hadn’t been pregnant. She admitted as much.”

  “Even though she’s in love with you.”

  “Apparently not.”

  “Give her some time to cool off.” Bryce suggested. “Then you have to go all out. Make the most romantic gesture of all time.”

  “I’ve never been good at romance,” Johnny admitted. “Back when we were dating, I couldn’t afford things like flowers and nice dinners. I wasn’t good with poetry either. I barely passed my English classes.”

  “That stuff’s for amateurs anyways.” Bryce acted like he knew what he was talking about. But Johnny didn’t want to get laid. He’d managed that part fine on his own. He wanted something more permanent. Something his buddy hadn’t been able to manage, either. “You need to come up with something original. Something that can live up to the legend that is Johnny Scottsdale.”

  * * * *

  Alice sometimes wished she’d leased office space downtown. Running the Harrison Foundation from her home office was convenient, sure, but also made it difficult to separate her personal and professional lives.

  When Zach was little, it was the only way she could manage it all. She worked while he was in school, making phone calls, sending emails, meeting with donors. Then she’d pick him up, do the whole homework, dinner, activities routine. And once he was in bed, she’d tackle the paperwork. Reports, thank you letters, and all the attention to details best handled when the house was quiet and she was more than happy to have the distraction of work to keep her from dwelling on her loneliness.

  As the work had become more routine, the loneliness became harder to quell. Zach was growing up, not needing her as much. Soon he wouldn’t need her at all. Or at least, he wouldn’t admit to it. And the foundation no longer filled the hole in her life.

  It would be easy enough to hire someone to take over. An eager college grad,
or perhaps a mother seeking to return to the workforce after years of volunteer service and school fundraising. It could even be a good fit for the semi-retired. Someone who needed to keep busy, but not have the kind of stress running, say, an investment firm required.

  She knew the perfect person for the job.

  The transition wouldn’t take more than a few months. Certainly less than nine. She patted her lower abdomen. She might finally have the perfect excuse to walk away from the Mel Harrison Jr. Foundation.

  She and Frannie had a standing lunch date. But since Mel hadn’t been released from the hospital yet, they moved the location to the cafeteria instead of their usual restaurant. Frannie looked pretty good for a woman who’d no doubt slept in a chair.

  “Alice, thank you for agreeing to meet here. Their clam chowder is actually not bad. I had some last night.” Frannie was trying to be cheerful. Put a positive spin on things. But she was worried. No doubt about it.

  “When is Mel going to be released?” Alice grabbed a tray and followed her mother-in-law through the cafeteria line.

  “Later this afternoon.” Frannie headed straight for the salad bar, and started loading up on organic greens. “But he’s already getting anxious. I guess that’s a good sign. That he’s ready to get out of here.”

  “Yes. I can’t imagine him staying here willingly if he’s feeling better.”

  “That’s what worries me. What is he going to do to fill his days?”

  “He’s really going to retire?” It was hard to imagine the man actually slowing down.

  “He’d better.” Frannie filled a small cup with balsamic vinaigrette and placed it next to her salad plate. She moved over to the soup tureen. “But how am I going to keep him out of my hair? Especially now that Zach is…getting older, and wanting to spend more time with his friends.”

  “Maybe something will come up.” Alice wanted to wait until they were seated before bringing up her idea. “And Zach will still be around.”

  “Oh, Alice, I appreciate that, but what if Johnny ends up going to another team? Will you follow him?”

  “I don’t know. He says he’s planning to retire after this year. And…” She ladled soup into her bowl and tossed some crackers on her tray. “It’s not as easy as it was back in college.”