Better Than Perfect

by Kristina Mathews

  “No. It is simple. It just ain’t easy.” She patted his knee. “Like baseball, right?”

  “Yeah? Well, a lot of things that work for baseball, don’t exactly translate to real life.”

  “I suppose. But you can take what you learned on the field and apply it anywhere.”

  “There is one thing I’ve learned.” Johnny stared down at the floor. “If a guy steps in the batter’s box thinking there’s no way he can hit the ball, there’s a good chance he won’t hit it. I don’t know if I can do this.”

  “So why try?” She patted his knee one more time. “I guess I should have let you quit when you were nine. The first time you faced live pitching. You struck out three, four times in a row. You wanted to quit.”

  “I don’t remember that.”

  “No? That’s funny, because I was so torn up over that. I thought I was too harsh, making you finish the season. Thought I was selfish for wanting you to get outside more. Burn off all that energy that had you bouncing off the walls.”

  “I don’t remember ever wanting to quit.” Johnny said. “I still don’t. Not really.”

  “Baseball’s been good to you.”

  “Yeah. You could say that.”

  “But it’s not enough.”

  “No. It’s not.” He sighed, and leaned forward, raking his hands through his hair. “I’m planning on retiring after this season.”

  “What are you going to do after?”

  “I have no idea.” Johnny shook his head. “I honestly have no idea.”

  “Well, you think about it. I’m going to bed.” She stood. It would have been nice if she could just tell him what to do. She never had. Not really. Always let him make his own decisions on things. “Help yourself to anything in the kitchen.”

  He grabbed a beer. He didn’t know what he’d expected coming here. Maybe he thought he’d find out who his father was. But no. She hadn’t given up any information, other than the fact that he wasn’t a customer. In some ways that was a relief. In others, it only made it worse. How bad could it have been that she wouldn’t even give him a name? Especially now she knew he was a father himself.

  He heard voices overhead. His mother and Howard talking. Or something else. He finished his beer, to drown out the image trying to form in his mind. It wasn’t enough. He got up to grab another.

  “You want to grab me one, too?” Howard startled him as he stared into the well-stocked refrigerator. Johnny pulled out two bottles and handed one to Howard.

  “Rose tells me she’s a grandmother.” He held his bottle up in a silent toast.

  “It was news to me, too.” Johnny lifted his beer in acknowledgement before knocking back a long swallow.

  “My oldest is expecting her first child in July.” Howard prattled on like they were the best of friends. “A girl. I can’t wait. Rose is throwing her a shower.”

  “Rose?” Johnny felt protective of her for some reason. Here this man seemed to genuinely care about her, when all the others hadn’t. So why was Johnny’s instinct to make sure he wasn’t going to hurt her?

  “I started calling her that when we first started seeing each other.” Howard gave him a lovesick grin. “It seems to suit her.”

  “How did you meet?” Johnny knew she’d long since retired, but he wondered how she’d made the transition from meeting men for money to meeting someone for real companionship.

  “Costco.” The man’s smile widened. It must have been a good memory. “She helped me pick out a bottle of wine for a first date. Only the date never happened. She talked me into sending flowers as an apology. My date got flowers, and I got Rose.”

  “Is that so?” It sounded kind of…sweet.

  “I care about her. Very much.” Howard seemed to understand. “And believe me, my intentions are honorable.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, sir.” Howard sounded like a schoolboy, wanting to take a girl to the prom. “I love her, Johnny. And she loves me.”

  “Do you know…” Was it his place to tell him? Or should he stay out of their business?

  “Everything.” Howard pressed his lips into a tight smile. “It’s been a long road, and I think she’s finally in a place where she can allow herself to be happy.”

  “Well, that’s good.” He wondered what that must feel like. “I’m happy for her. For both of you.”

  “She wants you to be happy, too.” Howard rose, patted Johnny on the shoulder and headed back upstairs.

  * * * *

  “You’re up.” Mom, or Rose, as she was now going by, was waiting for him in the kitchen. “I’ll put on a fresh pot of coffee.”

  “Thanks.” Johnny had planned on leaving early in the morning, but he couldn’t manage to fall asleep until about three in the morning. He’d been thinking about his mother. About Alice. Both women claimed to love him. Yet they’d let him go. Both women kept their child from his father. But while Alice had sold herself in marriage, his mother simply sold her body.

  “I wish we had more time together.” She set a plate of bacon and eggs in front of him. “I’d like to know more about my grandson.”

  “He’s a terrific kid.” Johnny swallowed a lump of eggs. Then he pulled his cell out of his pocket. “Here’s a picture of him.”

  “He’s beautiful.” Rose didn’t hide the tears glistening in her eyes. “He looks so much like you when you were young.”

  “You think so?” Johnny wondered if Alice had known all along, or if she truly didn’t know until she’d seen the two of them together.

  “It’s the eyes.” She indicated one of the pictures he’d taken when they were at the ballpark together. “Not just the color, but the shape and the warmth. And he’s got your smile, too.”

  “It makes me wonder how she could have thought he could be Mel’s child.” Johnny drained his coffee, the bitter taste lingering, like his feelings toward Mel.

  “A woman can convince herself of almost anything,” She handed him the phone, as if the memories they’d missed out on were too much. “She can convince herself of anything if she thinks she’s protecting those she loves.”

  “Why would she need to protect Zach from me?”

  “Maybe she was protecting him from me.” She stood, cleared Johnny’s plate even though he wasn’t quite finished. “Or maybe she was protecting you.”

  “That’s bullshit.” He’d never sworn in front of her before. “She said the same thing when she left me. That she wanted me to start my career without any distractions. She wanted me to be able to focus on getting to the majors without having to worry about keeping her happy.”

  “Were you ready to be a father then?”

  “No. But that’s not the point.” Johnny cleared the rest of the table, setting his coffee cup in the top rack of the dishwasher. “Were you ready to be a mother when you had me?”

  “No, of course not. But it’s different for women.” She turned to face him. To meet him eye to eye. “We don’t have a choice.”

  “Yeah, well I wasn’t given a choice either.” He hated the fact that he was taking this out on her. But Alice wasn’t here. If she had been, he would have ended up in bed with her rather than face the emotions she stirred in him. “I wish she would have told me sooner. At least she could have told me when Mel died.”

  “Would that have made a difference?”

  “No. Not really.” Johnny would have still felt betrayed. “But at least I would have had those years. Even if I was on the other side of the country.”

  That would have been tough. Johnny had just signed his first big contract. She would have worried he’d assume she was only contacting him because he was suddenly rich. He’d also started a tentative relationship with a woman in his building. One of two failed attempts at getting over Alice. And Zach would have been too young to understand why his first “Daddy” was gone and a new “Daddy” could only see him during the winter.

  “Shit.” Johnny shook his head, realizing she might have had good reason to keep i
t from him a little longer. “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear.” She put her arm around his waist and leaned against him. “Even when you were fifteen. You were the only person I knew who respected me like that.”

  “I’m sorry. Not that I respected you, but that no one else did.”

  “Howard does.” Rose patted his shoulder and finished cleaning up. “He’s a good man.”

  “I’m glad.”

  “You’re a good man, Johnny. A very good man.” She sniffled and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “I’ve always been so proud of you.”

  “Really?”

  “I guess I never told you enough. I was proud of you. I guess I just figured that didn’t mean a lot…” She swallowed the emotion in her voice. “Coming from someone like me.”

  “You’re still my mother.”

  “Yes. Even though you deserved better.”

  “You did your best.” Johnny understood that now. And he was beginning to understand why Alice had made the choices she’d made.

  * * * *

  Zach didn’t get too far behind after missing half a day of school. Just extra math, but that was no big deal. Especially since Ashley said she’d help him with it if he got stuck. She gave him her number and took his. Said she’d text him later.

  He’d already texted back and forth with Johnny a couple of times. He’d made it to his mother’s house in Vegas and was on his way to Arizona. He’d check into his hotel tonight and then he’d have all day tomorrow to settle in.

  He should hear about the test by then, too.

  But Zach wasn’t worried. The more he thought about it, the more he was sure Johnny was his real dad and the only thing left to do was get him and his mom back together. For good.

  “Do you have a lot of homework?” Mom came home while he was getting a snack.

  “Not too bad.” He shrugged. “A little more than normal, but it was worth it. I’m glad I got to say goodbye to Johnny.”

  “Me too.” She gave him a dopey smile. “I think it meant a lot to him, too.”

  “I’m just not sure what I should call him.” Zach looked down at the sandwich he’d made. Peanut butter and jelly on whole wheat. “It seems weird to call him Johnny, but I’m not sure if he wants me to call him Dad yet.”

  “The good news is, you’ve got plenty of time to figure it out.” She patted him on the shoulder and grabbed the milk for him.

  “I guess.” He took a glass from the cupboard and filled it to the top. “Maybe it would feel more natural if you two were, like, married.”

  “Oh, really?” She had that tone, like she thought he was getting a little too big for his britches. “You think Johnny and I should get married.”

  “Yes. Definitely.” Zach took a bite of his sandwich and washed it down with a gulp of cold milk. “But not just because of me. I mean, it’s obvious you two like each other. A lot.”

  “Yes. We do. But…” She put the container back in the fridge, because he’d forgot.

  “And if you’re going to sleep together, you should be married.” Isn’t that what she’d always said? That people shouldn’t have sex unless they were married. Or was that what she thought she should say when they watched movies or TV shows that showed people having casual sex?

  “Is that so?” Her voice sounded a little like she’d sucked on a helium balloon. “Is that the only reason to get married?”

  “No. I mean, you guys love each other. And we should be a family.”

  “Sounds like you have it all figured out.” She sat down at the kitchen table. “Or have the two of you been conspiring?”

  She pointed to his phone, which lay on the table next to his binder.

  “No. I mean, not really. Just you know, we talked a little.” He felt his cheeks get warm. “I told him that I’m good with the two of you being together.”

  “Well, that’s…” She leaned back in her chair, closing her eyes like she was thinking about how to finish what she wanted to say. “That’s one less thing to worry about, I guess.”

  “What are you worried about?”

  “I don’t want to hurt him any more than I already have.”

  “So don’t.”

  “I wish it were that simple.” She sounded like there was something else going on. Something that meant they might not make it.

  “So why do you think you’re going to hurt him? You wouldn’t cheat on him, right?”

  “No. But I guess I feel like I already have. Even though we weren’t together when I married your…when I married Mel.”

  “If it bothered him so much, he wouldn’t have gotten back together with you.” Why did grownups have to make everything so complicated?

  “Maybe.” She was still worried though.

  “You should tell him you love him. Tell him you want to be with him.”

  “He’s in Arizona.” She shook her head. “I’m here.”

  “So. Go down there. We’ve always talked about going to spring training someday. You should totally go this year.”

  “You have school.” She was stalling. Looking for excuses.

  “Go without me.”

  “Really?” She smiled at him. “It’s that important to you, you’d have me go to spring training without you?”

  “Well, yeah.” Why was she making such a big deal about this? “I mean, if you guys get married we’ll be able to go down there anytime.”

  “What if this is Johnny’s last season?”

  He hadn’t thought about that.

  “No big deal.” He shrugged. If it was, then it would just mean Johnny would need a reason to stay in San Francisco. She needed to give him a reason to stay.

  19

  Johnny checked into his hotel room and collapsed on the bed after a long, hot shower. He slept a full eight hours and woke feeling refreshed and eager to start the season.

  Zach had texted him a few times. He was up to something. Trying to make sure Johnny didn’t forget about them. But Johnny was proud of the boy. His son. The concept was becoming more and more real, and more and more satisfying as the days went by. He couldn’t wait to get the official confirmation.

  Bryce Baxter had also been in touch. He’d come down early, to report along with the pitchers and catchers and injured players. He was staying in the same hotel and had even arranged to get a room on the same floor. Johnny was actually glad to have a friend around to keep him loose. And after the way he’d convinced that reporter to back off on his relationship with Zach, Johnny figured he owed him one. They’d planned on meeting for dinner and a couple of beers on their last night of the offseason.

  Having an extra day meant Johnny could take a leisurely swim before lunch and a light workout. He’d checked his phone several times, but still hadn’t received the email confirming the test results. If he didn’t get it today, he’d have to go the whole weekend not knowing.

  Really, it didn’t matter. Just a formality. He knew without a doubt that Zach was his son.

  Maybe with the official results, he’d finally be able to forgive Mel for taking Alice away from him. He could forgive him now, but he would’ve liked to thank him for taking care of his son. The fact that Zach was happy, healthy and so well-adjusted was a testament to the kind of early childhood he’d been able to have, thanks to Mel.

  It also helped him let go of his jealousy of Mel’s relationship with Alice now that he realized she hadn’t been able to get over Johnny any more than he’d been able to forget her.

  He repeated his mantra in an effort to clear his head. To focus on the job ahead of him.

  This was going to be a good season. His best ever. He could feel it. Deep in his core. This was the year he’d finally prove to himself that he was for real. That the awards he’d won weren’t a fluke. That he hadn’t just been lucky—or worse, everyone felt sorry for him so they let him win. Yeah, they let him win one hundred and forty-five times, versus a hundred and twenty-two losses.

  He
was feeling so optimistic about the upcoming season, he almost wanted to ask Bryce to invite his reporter friend along to dinner with them. Almost.

  Johnny grabbed his phone, but didn’t check for messages as he headed down to the hotel’s restaurant where he would meet Bryce. An early meal, and hopefully another good night’s sleep would be all he needed to be ready to report for duty first thing tomorrow.

  “Yo, Johnny.” Bryce was seated at the bar, already working on a beer when Johnny arrived. “Glad you could make it.”

  “Me, too.” Johnny slid onto the barstool next to Bryce and indicated to the bartender that he’d take whatever Bryce was having.

  “Man, can you feel it? This year is going to be something special.” Bryce tried to pay for Johnny’s drink, but Johnny shook him off. He reached for his wallet and tossed his phone on the bar next to it.

  There was an email. Just waiting for him to open it.

  He took a long pull on his beer before clicking on the icon.

  He read the report. Blinked. Twice. And read it again.

  It couldn’t be. But there it was in PDF form. The results of the DNA test were negative.

  Negative.

  Zach wasn’t his son after all.

  The air sucked out of his lungs like he’d been sucker punched. His vision clouded and he worried he might be sick right there on the bar.

  He gulped down the rest of his beer and then knocked over the bottle in his attempt to set in on the bar. He stood, a little wobbly, as if he’d had several drinks instead of just the one. He staggered toward the men’s room.

  Once there, he had no idea why he didn’t just bolt for his room. The wave of nausea passed and he splashed cold water on his face.

  “Hey, bro. What’s the matter?” Bryce had followed him.

  Johnny couldn’t decide if he was grateful or pissed that he wasn’t alone right now.

  “I’m fine.” Johnny got himself under control. Focus. Breathe. Let it go.

  “Okay. Let’s eat, then.” Bryce patted him on the shoulder and kept his hand there as they walked back to the restaurant.

  “Right.” Whether Zach was his kid or not, Johnny needed to keep his strength up. He had a job to do. And once again, that was all he had.