Falcon Song: A love story

by Cross, Kristin

  Knowing the tears were coming, she stuffed the box back into her purse and hurried from the restroom. Nearly colliding with a woman in the aisle back to the entrance to the convenience store, she slowed and as she went to walk around her, the woman reached out a hand to Kate and asked, “Are you okay, miss? Y’all don’t look so good. You’re really pale.”

  Kate nodded woodenly, said, “I’m fine, thanks,” and walked on out.

  Once safely in her car she wanted to scream. Fine? She wasn’t fine! She was pregnant! Her. Katelyn Marie Birch was expecting a baby. She started the car up and pulled it to a parking space at the edge of the lot and turned it back off. Pregnant.

  The tears finally came with a rush and she leaned her head over her steering wheel, so overwhelmed she wondered if she could breathe. Pregnant. Feeling the tears drip onto her pants, she whispered, “Oh, Jason, what have we done?”

  While the tears streamed, emotions washed over her and thought after thought raged through her head until she thought it would explode. She was horrified, and then she felt guilty for not being happy for this baby’s sake and then she felt wonder that there was a child inside her very body and then guilt again for how it had gotten there. She dreaded having to tell Jason. Actually, she dreaded having to tell anyone and wondered how in the world she’d face anyone she ever knew again.

  The endless gamut went on until the tears finally slowed, her heart settled back to its usual pace and she was left with just what she’d started this trip with. A splitting headache, miserable nausea and her old friend, that tense, sickening anxious rock in her stomach.

  She got out of the car and took the box with its tiny earth shaking word pregnant and threw it in the garbage in front of the station and got back into the car with a heavy heart. She reached for her key with a sigh. Oh, Jason. What have we gotten ourselves into this time?

  As she headed back toward Wye she changed her mind and turned south. She knew she still wasn’t ready to face her mom, and church was so far out of the question it was almost ludicrous. She picked up her phone and dialed home. Her mom would still know something wasn’t right, but at least she wouldn’t worry and Kate could have some time to think this through better and finally let it soak in so she could figure out what she needed to do about it. It looked like another trip to Texas and one of those long talks with God.

  She was still a basket case at noon when she hit the state line, minimally better at two when she turned back north and at four, even knowing that Jason was home and probably wondering where she was didn’t make her feel like she could face anyone yet. Finally, at a little after seven thirty, she turned her phone back on. She needed to talk to Jason.

  Jason walked back to his car after talking to Kate’s mom in shock. Kate wasn’t here. Hadn’t been here all day. This was the first time in his life he’d come home from anywhere and Kate wasn’t there waiting. He got into his car and sat there, wondering what to do. Kate wasn’t here. He couldn’t even believe it. Why wouldn’t she be here? What had rocked her world to the point that she wasn’t here? That had never happened. Never.

  When he’d left two days ago, they’d been tight. He really thought they had. What had happened to change that? Something had to have happened or she would never have missed being here. It was too important to both of them. He knew it and she did too.

  He drove to his apartment with a heavy, heavy heart. Baby, where are you this time?

  He pulled in and got his bag out of the passenger seat and dragged into his house. Well, at least he could take a decent nap. He’d finally come down with Kate’s bug and he felt awful. Tossing the bag onto the floor beside his bed, he went back into the kitchen and popped two Tylenol. As sick as his stomach was, he didn’t think he could keep anything else down.

  Between thinking about Kate and having to hurl, he had only just barely gotten to sleep when she called, but he didn’t care. When she said she wanted to come see him, he agreed instantly, wondering what kind of mood she’d be in when she got here. She didn’t sound mad or even sad on the phone. He didn’t know what she sounded. He was just glad she’d called. He’d already thrown up four times this afternoon and felt positively horrible. He had to hand it to Kate. If she’d been feeling this rough, she hadn’t whined much.

  ***

  Jason didn’t answer his door and she let herself in to find him just about staggering out of the bathroom wearing cut off sweat pants and an ashen face. He looked about the same as she did and for just a second, she wondered if he somehow already knew about the baby. She approached him hesitantly and finally asked, “You okay?”

  He shook his head and groaned as he collapsed onto his couch with a sigh. “No. I finally got your bug and I feel awful. I’m being ten times more whiney than you ever were. Where have you been?”

  She came and knelt by the couch beside him, thinking, yeah, you definitely caught the same bug I have. If you only knew.

  He’d know soon enough. Granted she could figure out a way to break something this shocking to him. Instead, she gave him a sad smile and said, “Texas again. I needed another long talk with God. How long have you been sick?” He looked like he had something more like food poisoning than morning sickness.

  He looked positively wary as he asked, “Your head need clearing again?”

  “Yeah.” She laughed and it felt wonderful. That had to be the understatement of the millennium.

  Still wary, he hesitantly asked, “Was it something I did again?”

  She laughed again and then wondered if she was losing it, while he watched her with worried eyes. This understatement topped the last one. “Yeah, it was definitely something you did. I’m not mad or sad or whatever it is you’re paranoid about Jason. You can relax and just enjoy being ill. I’m not going to bite you.”

  He watched her for another minute and then closed his eyes. “Oh, good. What did I do? When you weren’t here I thought you must have been really upset about something and I thought I was in a lot of trouble.”

  She started to laugh again and it grew on her and she ended up totally busting up. She was definitely losing it. It was the biggest understatement of all, but it was absolutely not funny. Jason was watching her and she knew she was going to burst into tears and literally bit her lip to keep from totally dissolving right there in front of him. The only thing that saved her was that he had to get up and go throw up again. She felt terrible for him, but had never been so grateful for an interruption.

  By the time he was back, she had a thin shell of poise over her emotions and knew her feelings were far too raw to try to talk to Jason about this right now. She’d come here intending to, but there was just no way.

  He threw up two more times before finally drifting off on his couch, and she got up, covered him with a light blanket and let herself out. It was better this way. She needed to have whatever she was going to say to him better rehearsed in her mind anyway.

  Jason was terribly ill that day and most of the next and although she checked on him and spent several hours with him, she still hadn’t said anything to him by the time he and the rest of the band left on Tuesday for a five day road trip. At least he had finally started to feel better that morning before he left.

  She’d told him she wasn’t going to bite him, but he’d still watched her for those couple days as if wondering when she was going to blow. Even as he was kissing her goodbye, he was still more than a bit wary and Kate felt bad for not being able to put his mind more at ease. Not that telling him he was going to be a father would put his mind at ease, but at least he’d know why she had gone to Texas.

  Her mother had been watching her with that same quiet worry on her face and that next morning Kate sat down next to her at the breakfast table and between sips of orange juice, said, “Mom, there’s something I need to tell you.”

  Her mother almost looked relieved and Kate felt terrible. What she was going to tell her was going to be a horrible blow to this good, Christian woman and Kate dreaded even saying it
, but it had to be done. “I’m a… I’m… What I’m trying to say is, I’m uh, sort of going to have a baby.”

  Expecting tears, or even an outburst, Kate was totally taken aback as her mother said evenly, “I know, Kate. I was wondering when you’d figure it out. I assume that was what happened on Sunday.”

  Kate just stared at her open mouthed. “You knew? What do you mean you knew? How could you have known? I didn’t even know.”

  So blandly it was infuriating, her mother replied, “I know you pretty well, Kate. I worried about it from the very first. Then when you didn’t clue in to what was happening to your body, I worried about how you’d react to figuring it out. I’m glad you’re dealing with it. What did Jason say?”

  Kate looked at her plate. “I haven’t told him yet. He was so sick. And honestly, I don’t have a clue how to tell him. How do you tell someone something like this?”

  Finally tearing up, her mom shook her head. “We just do the best we can, Kate. That’s what we do in all of life. That’s what you’ll do with this baby. You’ll just do the best you can. How are you feeling this morning?”

  “Fine. Go figure. I can’t seem to see a pattern for why sometimes I’m sick as a dog and sometimes I’m perfect. Is there a trick to this?”

  “If there is, I never found it when I was expecting you and Kiersten.”

  Kate looked at her over the rim of her cup. “You were sick like this too?”

  Her mother shrugged and gave her a sad smile. “Sometimes. No rhyme or reason. It just came and went.”

  There were a million things Kate wanted to ask, but in a way, she just wanted to eat breakfast as usual and pretend like nothing had recently turned her world on its end. She opted for the latter until they were through eating and then she picked up her dishes and said with a sigh, “Wish me luck. I have to go tell Daddy. I’d honestly rather be horse whipped, but here goes.”

  Still mildly, her mother said, “He already knows, Kate. But still go talk to him. He needs you to and it’ll be better to get it over with and out in the open.”

  “Does Kiersten know as well?”

  “No. That one you’re going to have to tackle on your own.”

  Kate nodded, not sure whether she was glad Kiersten didn’t know or not. She walked back over to her mom and wrapped her arms around her. “Thanks for not freaking out, Mom. I’m sorry I messed up my life like this. You raised me better and I’m so sorry.”

  Her mother patted her back. “Life happens, Kate. I’m sorry too, but at least you’re not fifteen. Let’s just try to make the best of what started poorly. And being a mother is the best thing I ever did in my life. Hopefully it’ll be the same for you.”

  Kate met her eyes as tears filled her own. “Thanks, Mom. I guess in the emotional maelstrom of this, I’ve forgotten that having children with Jason is something I’ve dreamed of being able to do for years. It’s just a shame this isn’t the happy occasion I’d hoped it would be someday.”

  “It will be eventually. You’ll see. Do you think you’ll marry him now?”

  That was a question Kate had asked herself a thousand times and hadn’t come up with an answer yet. Haltingly she replied, “I suppose. It seems more backwards than ever as far as worrying about Jason having regrets, but now everything hinges on what’s best for the innocent baby who didn’t choose to have any of this happen to him or her or whatever it will be. And right now, I can’t seem to figure out what to wear to work, let alone deep, life altering questions.”

  Her mom smiled a minimal smile. “It’s only been a couple of days, Kate. Give it some time and it’ll come.”

  Chapter 8

  It had been eight days by the time Jason and the band arrived back in town on Sunday afternoon and Kate still didn’t have a clue about what she was going to do. Even though she usually couldn’t wait to see him when he got home, this time she almost dreaded it, knowing she had to rock his world like she would.

  When the van pulled into the parking lot of his complex, she was waiting for them, but she was saved from him knowing she was so uptight because he was too. Tensions were high in the Aerie neck of the woods. Jason and Cody and the others got out without even glancing at Kate and as Ryan, their keyboardist began to stalk toward his car, Jason called him back.

  He and Jason and Cody had a very quiet, but very tense short discussion that ended with Ryan almost stomping away and then turning to flip Jason and Cody off before continuing on to his car. Kate stood looking from one to the other, wondering what was up with this. Cody looked at her and smiled and shrugged and got back in the van with the last couple of guys and it headed out. Finally, Jason turned to her, still obviously tense and wrapped her in a tight hug. “Hi, Kate. Man, I’m glad to be home. How’ve you been?”

  How to answer that? Thunderstruck? Completely overwrought? Scared as hell? She settled for, “Fine.”, hoping he couldn’t tell she was being less than honest as upset as he was. “Rough trip?”

  He pulled away and shouldered his bag and began to walk toward his door. “No. The trip was fine. Concerts were great. We’ve just been having some trouble with Ryan. He keeps forgetting that Cody and I own this band. We finally just booted him, but it’s been coming for a while. He’s done a couple of things that were uh, lets just say inappropriate.” With his door unlocked, he pushed it open and then finally turned to her and kissed her and asked, “You okay? You sick again?”

  She turned away and went inside as she said, “No, I’m fine. I’m just tired. Have you eaten? Mom invited you to dinner.”

  He shook his head. “No, we didn’t eat, but I’m not up to visiting just now. You go on without me.”

  Kate felt like she’d been slapped, but he didn’t notice. Just walked toward his bedroom, set his bag inside and then went and began digging through his fridge.

  Hurt and unsure of how to take him, she obediently walked across his living room to his door. “I guess I’ll see you later then.”

  From inside the refrigerator, he mumbled something and she narrowed her eyes wondering what was up with him as she walked back out of the apartment she’d only walked into two minutes before, her eyes smarting from tears she was trying to force herself not to cry. At least since taking that awful pregnancy test, she knew why she was an emotional lunatic.

  Apparently she wasn’t going to be telling Jason about the baby tonight anyway.

  She was half way home when her phone rang, and she pulled over to answer it. It was Jason and she wondered what he wanted now as she said, “Hey, Jason.”

  “Kate, why did you leave?”

  “Jason, you told me to. Remember?”

  She could hear him sigh on the other end of the line. “If I did, I didn’t mean to. I thought we were going to do something. Hang out.”

  Evenly, she said, “We can do whatever you want, Jason. Just decide.”

  There was a long pause and then he said, “Maybe it’s just as well. I’m in a foul mood anyway. Go have dinner with your parents and we’ll get together tomorrow sometime.”

  Now Kate felt like she’d been slapped twice and finally said into the phone, “Okay. Whatever. Get some rest. Maybe you’ll feel better tomorrow. Take care.”

  “Take care? Not love you? What’s wrong, Kate? Are you mad at me?”

  Kate rolled her eyes. “No, Jason. I’m not mad at you. Just a touch afraid of you. I do love you and can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Have you done something I should be mad at you about?”

  She finally heard a smile in his voice. “Probably, I’m a terrible person sometimes, but I can’t think of anything right off hand. What time do you work tomorrow?”

  “I go in at two.”

  “Good. Can I have you at nine or ten in the morning?”

  “Sure. See you then. And Jason?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Straighten up. I hate it when I have to be mad at you.”

  “Yes ma’am.”

  “Love you.”

  “I love you too, Kate.”r />
  Kate had been joking with Jason about being mad at him, but that night while she was flipping through the channels, she happened on to one of those celebrity shows. She was only half paying attention while she folded clothes when she heard Jason’s name. Looking up in surprise, she was amazed to see a story about Jason and some nearly six foot tall super model. He was holding the door for her as she entered a swanky Chicago hotel.

  Kate was so shocked, she almost didn’t think to read the credits to find more information on the stories they had been highlighting that night. They listed a website and she got up and went in and booted up her lap top, all the time telling herself to keep an open mind. The story was, in and of itself, minimal, they were in effect trying to surmise if Jason Falcon, “the consummate up and coming bachelor” did have a thing going with the model. But there were more photos of Jason and other women. Lots of them. In lots of different situations. Most of them were the same type as the one of the super model. Him opening a door or standing by someone, but a couple were of Jason seated at a table with a woman or even with his arm around them.

  Kate thought back to the other day when she’d seen Jason at that party letting that other woman feed him. Were these all that same sort of deal? Happenstance photo opportunities where he used poor judgment? Or was Jason playing the “consummate bachelor” when he was on the road and away from her? And how was she to know if he was? Was stuff like this the reason he’d been so lackadaisical this afternoon. Her head was spinning again with what she was seeing on the screen in front of her.

  After spending several minutes wondering what was going on and feeling as if her heart was being squeezed into pieces, she finally plugged into her printer and hit the print button and then went to get her purse. She was going to see Cody. She knew he was loyal to Jason to the death, but she also knew he’d be as honest with her as he could if she asked him.

  She was a bit embarrassed to find Cody shirtless with a girl sitting on his couch when he opened the door, but she pressed on anyway. “Hey, Cody.”