Falcon Song: A love story

by Cross, Kristin

  Kennen drove the boat back down and said, “Yucky dipo!”

  Unfazed, Jason said, “That’s the old one.” He indicated the wadded diaper that sat beside them on the floor. “Where does it live?”

  Kate rolled her eyes. “In the diaper pail.” Kennen jumped up and he and Kate showed Jason how to put the smelly diaper into the garbage bag part of the pail and twist the top so it didn’t smell any more. Then she sprayed air freshener over the top of the two of them. “Just in case.”

  She went back out and Jason heard her mellow laugh as she walked back up the hall. He had no idea that a one year old kid could be this much fun. Or that a mother could be that sexy either one and he said to Kennen, “Hey, let’s go help Mommy, shall we?”

  “Yup!” Kennen jumped up and ran as fast as his miniature legs would carry him back to the kitchen and slammed himself into her leg as she stood at the sink.

  She glanced down, automatically wiped her hands on the towel she had tied around her waist and bent down and picked him up to put him on the kitchen counter. She began to tug his clothes back into place and tuck his under shirt back in. There seemed to be a problem and she finally had Kennen lay down flat and she undid the snaps on his minute overalls. “Okay, here’s the problem. We’re snapped up backwards.” She redid the snaps and set him down and he took off back down the hall. Kate smiled as she turned back to the vegetables she was washing. “Don’t worry; it took me weeks to learn to get his diaper on securely.”

  “Does he always go everywhere that fast?”

  “Only when he’s excited. There are times when he’ll watch an ant for half an hour. Then he’ll try to eat it. Do you still like cheese on your broccoli?”

  “Yes. I thought you hated broccoli.”

  “I do.” She dumped broccoli into a bowl and put some plastic wrap over it. “Parenthood makes you do strange things. I don’t want him to dislike it. It’s good for him.” She shrugged and Jason grinned at her.

  “You’re really cute as a mother.”

  She glanced over at him and said, “You haven’t seen me when I’m really tired. I’m not cute at two in the morning when he’s throwing up.”

  Jason leaned back against the counter and folded his arms. “I have seen you when you’re tired. You’re still cute. And you’re cute at two in the morning. And you’re not as cute, but there’s still something about you when you’re throwing up.”

  Kate rolled her eyes at him. “That’s gross, Jason.”

  “You’re the one who brought it up.”

  “I’m just trying to get the point across that he’s not all fun and games, Jase. I know you think you’re all the sudden going to be a dad now, but it’s harder than it seems.”

  “I am all the sudden a dad, no matter what I think. C’mon, Kate. Help me out here. I’ve known I was a parent for all of what? Two and a half hours. I know you’re not thrilled that I showed up here, but go with me on this for just a little while. At least consider forgiving me and burying the hatchet. For his sake.” His voice lowered as he pleaded softly, “This is a good day for me. Let me enjoy it.”

  She got quiet and it took him a minute to realize she was crying over the cheese she was slicing and he came over to her and put a hand on her shoulder and looked down into her face. “Don’t cry, baby. It’s going to be all right. I swear it is.”

  She shook her head and wiped at her tears with the back of her hand. “Jason, you don’t understand.”

  “So help me understand. And don’t wipe your tears with a knife in your hand. Y’all are gonna poke your eye out.”

  He’d been trying to make her laugh, and she did. And then he pulled her against him in a hug and whispered in a husky voice in her ear, “Kate, babe. It’s been a long time, and we’ve been through hell. But we’ve learned and grown and gotten stronger and better for it. And when it all comes down to it. We’re still just Jason and Kate. I haven’t seen you in almost two years and I can still tell what you’re thinking. I still know how to make you laugh. I still even know where you’re ticklish, so y’all had better straighten up and quit fighting me. Just let me help you. I promise I won’t screw up this time. Well, I may screw up, but it won’t be in such a colossal manner and it certainly won’t involve alcohol or other women. I’ve learned. I swear I have.”

  She shook her head against his chest. “You have no idea what I think anymore, Jason Falcon.”

  Putting a hand into the back of her hair, he tugged on it until she tipped her head back and looked up at him and he met her eyes and said seriously, “Yeah, I do, Kate. Right now, you’re wondering if it would be worth it to sell this house and disappear again, or if I’d come after you this time.” She looked up at him, startled and he knew he’d been right. That’s just what she’d been thinking. “The answers are no, and yes. Don’t run again. At least give me a chance. Just one. That’s all I ask. If I blow it, you can walk away and I’ll leave y’all both alone. I promise. And if you do decide to go anyway without giving me a chance, I’m coming after you this time. I’ll follow you two to the ends of the earth. So please don’t.” He leaned back into her ear and whispered, “Please don’t, Kate. Life is hell without you.”

  She snuggled into his chest and began to cry again and without raising her head, she said, “I can’t do it. I’ve sacrificed so much so he didn’t have to be fought over and have to deal with the parties and the groupies and the paparazzi and trashy standards. I can’t do that to him, Jason. He needs to be able to grow up and know that values and morals and fidelity are important and vital. He needs to be taught that good people don’t drink and carouse. He needs roots, Jason. Roots to be able to know who he is and what he’s capable of and how to reach his potential.”

  He pulled her closer and basked in the feel of her breath on his neck. “You’re right about all those things, Kate. But me being part of your lives doesn’t mean he can’t have that. I can help you teach him all those things. He does need roots, Kate. And that’s one thing he won’t have if y’all keep hiding. He’s got some grandparents who would love to be able to spend some time with him. He does need roots and I’ll help you provide those. But Kate, he needs roots and wings. You both do. You both need to be able to fly when you want to. You’re a Falcon too, Kate. You have been since you were sixteen.”

  Leaning his face against her temple, he breathed in the smell of her skin and fought the urge to kiss that soft spot between her eye brow and her hair and lost. With infinite gentleness, he kissed her tenderly. “Just one chance, Kate. Please. Just give me one chance.”

  She finally looked up and he began to drown in the indigo blue of her eyes. He wanted to kiss her mouth more than he’d ever wanted anything in his life, but he was afraid she’d freak out on him if he did. Then she glanced down at his mouth and swallowed hard and looked back up and he knew she wanted it as much as he did. He slowly began to lower his head, watching her eyes. If he saw fear there, he’d stop.

  He never saw it and finally, after what felt like days, his mouth took hers and he closed his eyes and lost himself in the feel of her mouth under his. Oh, but he’d dreamed of holding her and kissing her again like this. He wanted to melt in the tenderness of her mouth and never even consider coming up for air.

  At first, he kissed her so softly he could barely feel her emotion as she softly touched him back, and then slowly, he felt her remember how they used to be and when she finally leaned closer to him, he kissed her with all the pent up hope and need and fear and despair and every other myriad of emotions he’d been feeling for these two years and she met him half way. This was his soul mate. The other half of his life and without her his wings were tied. Broken. With her…

  He groaned and wrapped his arms around her like he’d dreamed of so many thousand times. With her, he could fly anywhere. She tasted just like she’d always tasted and it was the flavor of fantasy. The flavor of forever and always, all rolled in to one moment.

  He kissed her until his breath was coming in ragged g
asps and he wanted to breathe her right into his brain. Until he could feel her breathing match his own and her heartbeat through both of their shirts and he lost all track of time and there was nothing but her mouth under his and her body pressing close with almost a feeling of desperation. It was as if this was all a dream and they were afraid they’d wake up and it would disappear, so they needed to revel in it while they could before it was gone.

  Maybe if he kissed her like he wanted to, she’d begin to understand how it still was with him. That he worshipped her and that without her, life held no meaning or color or heat. Maybe if he kissed her with enough feeling she’d realize…

  Kennen grabbed his pant leg and pulled himself up and Jason knew he must have had hold of Kate’s too because the spell was broken and he could feel her back away emotionally. He groaned again and pulled her even closer as he finally released her mouth. “Kate.” His voice was so husky he almost didn’t recognize it as he put his face against her sweet smelling hair. She hid hers against him and drew a shuddering breath as he admitted, “I’ve dreamed of kissing you, Kate. I’ve dreamed of your taste. All these months and years, you’ve haunted me.”

  He still held her tightly and never wanted to let go, but Kennen began to pound on their legs with his little fists to get their attention and finally, Jason leaned down and picked the little boy up and lifted him into the circle of their arms. He sighed one more time. This was the way they were supposed to be. He was sure of it. He put a gentle finger under Kate’s chin to get her to look up at him and then he bent to kiss her one more time, more gently, but with out losing any of that same passion that arced between them.

  When he finally released her lips, he asked softly, “If I tell you one more time that I love you, Kate, will it freak you out?”

  He felt her shake her head and then nod and then she stilled and he looked down at her with a grin. “What did that mean?”

  She sighed and hid her face as she admitted, “Oh, Jason, I don’t even know. I’m so mixed up right now.”

  “Then I’m going to risk it.” He pulled her face up again. “I love you, Kate. I always have. I always will.” He leaned to kiss her and then gently kissed Kennen as well. “I love you both. And I always will.” He was just going to kiss her again, when they both sniffed at the same time and then quickly looked back toward the stove where smoke was rolling in clouds off her pan.

  As they looked, the pan burst into flames and she inhaled sharply and twisted Kennen away. Jason pushed them both away, turned off the stove, glanced around and then lunged for the fire extinguisher that hung on the wall just inside the door.

  Kate stumbled out the back door with the baby while Jason made sure the fire was out and then shoved the room’s windows open and headed out to where she was standing anxiously outside the door and he laughed and sprawled onto her back porch swing and then pulled the two of them down on top of him. “Now, there’s a first for us, Kate. I knew we were good kissers, but we’ve never spontaneously combusted!”

  She let out a laugh and smacked him as she coughed again. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I completely forgot what I was doing.”

  “You and me both, babe. “ Their eyes met and then she looked away. “I wouldn’t have remembered to breathe just now.” He reached and touched her mouth and she looked back up and this time he could see the fear and tried to back off and joke. “I’m just glad you’re an organized and prepared woman. I’m afraid your kitchen would have been toast, literally, without that fire extinguisher.”

  She sighed and he glanced down at her and saw that the laughter had died out of her eyes and he encouraged her. “Don’t babe. Don’t make that sound. At least for tonight let’s just smile and have hope.” She looked up at him and he saw that old familiar worry and leaned to kiss it away. “Have hope with me, Kate. If y’all can’t do it for me, then do it for Kennen. If there’s the slightest possibility he could have a stable, two parent home full of love, let’s try. We owe that to him. Children deserve to have two parents, who are married and committed to each other.” He patted the small dark head that lay on Kate’s chest as she lay against his

  That made her sigh again. “I’m sorry, Jason, but there is no way I can talk about marriage tonight. I haven’t even seen you in almost two years. And there was a reason for that.”

  He gently brushed across her cheek with the back of his hand. “Yes, but I know something that y’all don’t know, Katie Ree.”

  “And what is that?”

  He sat up and looked into her eyes. “That I’ve had more than enough of the glitz and I only want the flavor of Kate. I was stupid, Kate. I’ll be the first to admit that. I had lost my perspective on what was appropriate, but I was never wrong about being sure where you were concerned. Through this whole hellacious mess, that never changed. Even when I knew you were married to another man and I thought I’d lost you forever. I still knew I could never love someone else.”

  She searched his eyes and then looked away. “It’s still crazy to talk about marriage tonight. I’m sorry.

  Wrapping one of her curls around his finger, he said almost lazily, “You know what would be crazy, Kate? It would be crazy to finally find you and actually spend time with you without making absolutely sure you know I love you and want to marry you and be with you for the rest of eternity. That’s what would be crazy.”

  “But, Jason, you don’t even know me anymore. How can you say that?”

  At that, he sighed and leaned his head back against the top of the swing. “You, know, Kate. In some ways, you’re right. You’ve done some things that hit me out of the blue and I still can’t believe. I honestly never dreamed in a million years you would leave instead of telling me we were having a baby. I still can’t believe you would do that, even when now I know why you did. But I do know you, Kate. I know y’all better than your mother knows you. I know you nearly as well as God and Kennen know you. My brother Kennen. And you know what’s really cool?”

  He glanced down at her to see that she was looking up at him. “What’s really cool is, the more I know you, the more sure I am I adore you. Most people aren’t like that. Usually the more you know about someone, the less you like them. That whole familiarity breeds contempt thing. You’re not like that. With you it’s familiarity breeds undying love.”

  He glanced down at her and saw the laughter he’d missed so desperately and she teased him. “Those are terrible lyrics.”

  “Ah, well, you can’t always be brilliant. Are you sure I couldn’t interest you in dinner? I know a great steak and rib place not far from here. It smells like smoke too, but they do it on purpose. C’mon. I’ll treat you at your own joint.”

  “Oh, no. That’s all I need is for the staff to see you and Kennen together. I’d never stop the rumors. Let’s go somewhere more private with low lighting so anyone who sees us won’t know for sure if you’re that famous star or if that widow’s baby really looks that much like you.”

  “Do we know of a place like that nearby?”

  “The drive through at Jack in the Box.”

  Jason groaned. “Something tells me you’re going to be hard to date. Come on. We should feed him before he goes down for the night. Are we already too late?” He lifted her off of his lap and set her gently aside, got up and reached down to tenderly lift Kennen and then snuggle him close and kiss him as she shook her head.

  “I’ll get him a sippy cup of milk for his car seat. That way if we lose him he won’t be hungry all night.”

  Jason looked down at him as he offered Kate his other hand. “I can’t get over him. I can’t get over the fact that he is so perfect, and… I can’t get over just the fact that he is. Do you know what I mean?”

  He saw her get thoughtful for a moment and asked, “What?”

  She shrugged and turned to go into the house and he caught her hand. “I want to understand, Kate. I know I’ll never get to have those experiences, good and bad, but I deeply regret that. Both missing the good and making you shou
lder the bad alone. Tell me.”

  She hesitated and then said, “You just can not even imagine what it’s like to realize you’re expecting a baby and the dad is… Well, that you aren’t married and settled and committed. It brings a whole new meaning to not being able to get over that he is.”

  He gently cupped her cheek with his hand. “Do you ever think you’ll be able to forgive me, Kate?”

  “Oh, I forgave you. I forgave both of us. I had to face that he was coming because we both messed up. And I could understand why you were acting the way you were. Forgiving you wasn’t a problem. I just had to get through it. Being alone was the kicker. He was born premie in San Francisco the day my dad died. The closest person I knew was like eighteen hundred miles away. I had to have a C-section and it got infected. It was . . . It was… I just had to get through it.”

  He could hear the tears in her voice and saw them seeping into her eyes as she pulled away to go back into the house. He followed her, wishing there was some way he could go back and fix the terrible struggle he’d caused her to go through. Thinking about what she was describing made him feel horribly guilty and he wished they’d been together through these last months and years more than ever. The only thing he could do now was to try to make it up to her.

  With the sippy cup in hand, Kate turned on the exhaust fan to start getting rid of the smoke smell and then grabbed a soft blanket and a jacket for Kennen and headed out to her garage. “Is it okay if we take my car? That way we won’t have to move his car seat. It takes days to get it situated correctly.”

  “Your car’s fine. Just tell me what to do.”

  Once Kennen was safely buckled in, Kate propped his head comfortably with the blanket and then got back out of the back seat of her car and handed Jason her keys. “Would you drive?”

  He thought about that as he helped her into the passenger door and then came around, got in, adjusted the seat and buckled up. She was still the ultimate competent woman, but she had always wanted him to drive everything, from a motorcycle to a horse. She was funny that way.