Imperfectly Perfect

by A. E. Woodward

  I couldn't believe everything that had happened over the last 24 hours had led me here. I was actually considering having a complete strangers' baby. It was crazy. Or maybe it was the reason I had arrived at this fork in the road. As crazy as I was feeling, I could kind of picture it all in my head.

  The guys and I would shop for baby gear. We'd put together a crib. The four of us would huddle around a beautiful baby who had my eyes and a mysterious smile. I was beginning to think that I could have the best of both worlds. Could I really have a family, all without having to leave my boys?

  "In Vitro? Like, as in you and some guys stuff?" he questioned, "A baby."

  "What do you think Shane?" I asked, hoping for his approval. I had been without him for long enough, and I needed him back on my side.

  "If it's what you want Em, then we'll be there for you. You know that."

  I took a deep breath. My mind was made up. "I'm going to do it."

  I couldn't believe it. I was really going to go through with this. I looked around the waiting room at the women. They were there with their husbands, fiancés, and boyfriends. Some were noticeably pregnant, whilst others looked particularly sullen. Surprisingly, when I looked at those women, with their supportive partners, I didn't feel sad-at least not for myself-but for them maybe. They had one person to support them during their journey here at the Cedars Fertility Clinic. I had three. I was the lucky one.

  It had all happened relatively fast. I called the clinic the day I returned from meeting my niece. I had to before I convinced myself I was crazy. I figured the faster I moved forward with the plan, the less time I would have to back out. But, strangely enough, since starting the process I hadn't had one negative thought about the whole thing.

  It was as if it was all meant to be. They had had a cancellation and were able to fit me in the next week. They started with a bunch of standard fertility tests before we moved forward with anything; basically making sure that I was a viable candidate for IVF.

  So there we were, all four of us, waiting to get the results of my tests. The guys were supportive, willing to do whatever made me happy. Once I was given the all-clear, I would be able to move forward with the drugs and selecting a donor and it was possible that I could be pregnant within 6 weeks time.

  "Emma Sloan."

  We all stood as the nurse called my name. I chuckled to myself seeing her eyes grow wide. I was sure seeing a woman with not one, but three men accompanying her to appointments was not something she saw every day.

  "Umm, follow me," she said as she turned and led us down the hallway to a swanky looking office. IVF was not cheap, and the Dr's office reflected that with its incredible elegance.

  "Right in here," she motioned, "I'll go grab some extra chairs for you."

  Shane mumbled a quiet thank you as we walked in.

  She returned quickly with two more chairs. "Dr. Rodriquez will be with you shortly."

  "Nervous?" Tyler asked as he shifted to get comfortable in his seat.

  "Actually I'm not."

  "Good," Shane spoke as he thumbed through a magazine from the rack in the corner of the office.

  "Well hello Ms. Sloan," we all turned our heads as Dr. Rodriquez walked into the room, "I see you're in good company again today."

  "Sure am." I watched him take a seat behind his desk. He huffed as he opened my chart, quickly thumbing through its contents and bringing himself up to speed on my situation.

  "So what's the verdict?" I asked, feeling the butterflies make their presence known.

  "Well Ms. Sloan. I'm afraid it's not what we hoped."

  I immediately felt sick. Bile began rising. It was every woman's worst nightmare come true.

  "Basically," he continued, "your eggs are fairly good-in fact they're great-but the problem lies within your uterus. You see you have fibroids," he took a piece of paper and drew a quick and simplistic doodle of my reproductive system, "and this can make implantation of an egg practically impossible. Basically, you have eggs that can get pregnant, but the chances of the embryo being able to burrow and connect to your uterus properly are slim due to the fibroids."

  I felt my eyes well up with tears, "So what does that mean?"

  "It means, we can try In Vitro-if that's what you really want-but I wouldn't want you to just be throwing your money away Ms. Sloan, so I wouldn't recommend going through with it without treating the fibroids first. Once we have that situation sorted, we can re-evaluate."

  "How long would that take?"

  "Effective treatment, with medication and possibly surgery, would take about a year."

  A single tear slid down my cheek as I realized I was running out of time.

  It was official. I was barren. My hopes and dreams had been dashed, and all within five minutes; surely that had to be some sort of record? All that nonsense I had been telling myself that 'everything happens for a reason', was bullshit.

  I felt like I should be in a cage somewhere in the middle of Times Square so people could point and laugh at me. I had been cheated yet again. I found out that the probability of me ever being able to have children was miniscule. Things couldn't get worse.

  Famous last words.

  I was sitting on the couch with my old friends Ben and Jerry. I had been alone since the guys left earlier that morning and vanished. They were trying to be subtle and give me some space, but I loathed being alone with myself. I had changed over the last nine months and I hated who I had become. I just needed for things to go back to normal; just me and my guys, living it up in NYC. I assumed that they had made themselves scarce because couldn't handle the drama I had created in the condo. Life definitely wasn't going so good for me, but it wasn't anything a little ice cream and mindless reality TV couldn't fix.

  I nearly jumped out of my skin when there was a knock on the door. I shoved the spoon into my ice cream and went to answer, wondering who it could be. We never had visitors-since we didn't have many friends outside the four of us-and usually my doorman called up to see if we were taking guests. I quickly checked myself in the full-length mirror next to the front door. Why I bothered I didn't know, because I knew I looked like a mess. I hadn't showered and my skin was slick with grease from my recent junk food intake. My hair was a mess thrown onto the top of my head. But I didn't really care… until I opened the door.

  "Bradley."

  I wanted nothing more than to slam the door shut in his face, but I couldn't seem to muster the strength. I blamed his damned good looks. Even though he had put me through hell, I still wanted to jump his bones.

  "Before you slam the door," he spoke quickly, "please talk to me Emma. I can't stop thinking about you. "

  "I have nothing to say to you Bradley," I turned away and plopped back on to the couch and scooped a spoonful of ice cream in my mouth, "but if it will make you feel better, by all means come in and add to the dirty laundry pile called my life."

  He stepped into the entry and closed the door behind him.

  "There's no excuse for what I did to you," he started.

  "But you're going to try and give me one," I interrupted, "aren't you."

  "It's not an excuse," he argued, "I truly cared about you Emma. I felt things for you that I have never felt for any other woman and that's why I'm here."

  I rolled my eyes and blew him off.

  "I'm serious Em," he pleaded, "you need to understand."

  "Don't call me that," now I was pissed. "YOU don't have the right to call me that!"

  He hung his head and crammed his hands in his pockets while he stood in front of me. I couldn't help but notice how vulnerable and young he looked.

  "Of course I don't have the right to call you that," he lifted his eyes and stared directly into mine, "that's just another thing reserved for 'your boys'."

  "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I yelled.

  "I know that I truly loved you but I don't really know how you felt about me. Sure you said you loved me, but you were never there for me. You we
re always someplace else, even when you were with me. Being with me was never enough, was it?"

  While I wanted to punch him in the face for blaming me for his infidelity, I couldn't help but feel bad at the same time. Because deep down I knew he was right. Every time I felt like things were finally looking up for me, there had always been that nagging feeling that something was missing.

  "That's fine," he said, "I'll take your silence as a yes. You loved the idea of me Emma and that's all our relationship was, an idea and a way to get your family off your back. Your heart never belonged to me. It belongs to someone else, and it always did."

  Bradley sure knew how to spin his words, because in a matter of minutes he had officially turned everything that went wrong in our relationship onto me. I started to clap mockingly.

  "Bravo Bradley, Bravo," I stood from the couch and walked towards the door. "I bet you almost have yourself convinced of that, but I've got news for you; there is nobody else. Unlike you, I know how to be faithful," I opened the door and motioned for him to exit, "now if you don't mind I have ice cream to eat and shit to watch."

  By now Bradley was flushed with anger. Obviously he wasn't taking kindly to my harsh dose of reality. But the fact of the matter was that he was the cheating snake and I wasn't about to let him make me feel bad about it.

  "I feel bad for you Emma," he seethed while he walked through the front door, "I hope that someday, somebody can teach you how to love."

  "Goodbye Bradley!" And with that I slammed the door shut.

  The nerve of the prick! Walking into my house, blaming his infidelity on what? A mysterious person that already held my heart? Please. I was lucky to find one decent person to date, there was absolutely no way I would ever be able to multitask like that. I continued to bitch to myself as I sat back in front of The Real World episode I'd been watching when his words finally hit me. I knew what he had been trying to say, it was the same thing my sister had accused me of for years.

  My mom and Liz had always referred to me as being emotionally unavailable; which was precisely what Bradley was accusing me of, only he took it a step further. Apparently somebody else already held the key to my heart, but whom? And where the hell was he?

  The guys and I were on our way back from the gym. They sensed that I needed a good workout, but thankfully didn't press for any details. I was glad to get out of the condo. I wasn't ready to be face to face with Emma.

  "Thanks again guys," I said while we climbed the stairs to the condo.

  "No problem..." Tyler's words trailed off when we saw Bradley.

  I stopped in my tracks and my eyes met his. He made eye contact and shot me that smug smile of his. I stood there, watching him, frozen with disbelief. I felt a hand rest on my shoulder as my eyes glazed over. I turned and faced Tyler, my eyes wide with anger.

  "Maybe it's not what it looks like," he offered.

  I wasn't buying it. I took off, skipping the few remaining stairs to our floor and burst into the condo. Emma was sitting on the futon. Obviously startled, she turned her attention from the TV to me.

  "What the hell was that?" I asked as Tyler and Rob joined us.

  "Shane, don't," Tyler pleaded.

  I whipped around to face my friend, "You stay the fuck out of this." I immediately turned my attention back to Emma. I was enraged with jealousy, and I hated the feeling but I had to know "Why the hell was he leaving my condo?"

  "It's none of your goddamned business," Emma stood and brushed past me towards the kitchen. I watched her throw her ice cream container into the trash.

  "I can't believe you're that stupid," I fumed, "I thought I knew you better than that."

  "Well that makes two of us," she pushed past me again taking off up the stairs to her room.

  She paused about half way up and turned back towards me. Our eyes locked, and my heart skipped a beat, as I noticed the hurt in her eyes. She had been through so much and I wasn't helping. I had made another mistake, and all I was doing was pushing her away.

  "Em, I'm sorry," I called after her.

  "Don't bother Shane," she spoke softly as a tear ran down her face, "I'm not stupid. And for your information he wasn't here to try to get back together with me, but thanks for the support. If anybody needs me, I'll be in my room, wallowing in self-pity."

  I watched as she turned to continue up the stairs. I slumped as she slammed the door to her bedroom. I had royally fucked things up at this point. I felt like a jackass and flopped onto the futon.

  "Okay, that's it!" Rob yelled.

  I jumped as the front door slammed shut behind me.

  "I've had enough of this bullshit," he continued, "either you go tell that girl why you've been such a jackass for the past eight months or I will!"

  "He's right Shane," Tyler added, "the hostility here has got to end...like now."

  They were right, I needed to come clean. Our friendship was already crumbling because of my secret feelings. Besides at that point I had nothing else to lose, because I feared that our friendship was already lost.

  "Knock, Knock." he offered, quietly opening the door.

  I stayed lying on my bed, looking towards the wall. "Hey Shane."

  "Can I come in?"

  I could hear the hesitation in his voice.

  "Sure."

  I listened to him close the door behind him. He took a deep breath before shuffling towards me on my bed.

  I felt him sit down on the edge. Even though we fought more than anything else lately, I felt better just knowing that he was there; like I always did. We stayed that way, me gazing at the wall and him sitting on the edge of my bed looking at the door. It seemed as if there was nothing left to be said and that petrified me. Something had happened to us and I couldn't take it anymore.

  "I love you Em," he spoke softly.

  The tears started streaming down my face, pooling onto my pillow. "I know you do Shane," I said rolling over so that I was facing his back. He continued staring at the door. "I love you too. I don't want to fight with you...

  "No," he interrupted, "I mean it. He turned his head, just enough so that his eyes finally locked upon mine. "I love you."

  "What are you saying?" I asked. It felt stupid saying it, but it was the only thing I could think of at the moment; I was truly confused.

  He turned away from me as I propped myself up. I grabbed his shoulder to turn him back towards me. I was always able to understand him better when I could get a look at his face. I knew all of his looks like the back of my hand; confusion, anger, hate, sadness, empathy, joking. But none of these looks were on his face at that moment.

  I had been so wrapped up in my own life that I hadn't taken the time to really notice before but it was as if he looked tormented, possibly even in pain. I had seen this look daily over and over for months. I had attributed it to work, but in reality I believed I had been the one tormenting him. I felt my stomach lurch.

  "I'm trying to say that things have changed for me Em," he stood up from the bed and began pacing anxiously. "I love you. I love you more than I even understand. I don't know why it took me all these years to realize it, but I do. I hate that you're hurting, and I know that this really isn't the best time but these past few months have been hell for me. I just wanted you to be happy, to have everything that you wanted; but at the same time I wanted you to be mine."

  He walked back towards me and knelt down in front of my bed, "I still want you to be mine."

  Dizzy, I sat up and put my head in between my knees. Sensing I was beginning to lose it, he continued talking in an attempt to calm me down.

  "I...when..." he stopped to take a deep breath, "when you went home for you parent's anniversary. You called me, remember?"

  I nodded gently, trying to prevent the dizziness from returning.

  "You were so upset. I listened to you cry yourself to sleep, and while you slept I realized that I loved you. I realized that I loved you more than I had been telling myself all these years. I planned on telling you
when you got home, but you had already made up your mind. It always comes back to you and me Emma, it's always been you and I and I know you feel it too."

  In that instant, I was confused and blindsided, but mostly I was angry. I thought back to last few months and the trouble Shane and I had experienced in our friendship and it all made sense.

  "Get out." I rolled and turned my tear soaked face back to the wall.

  "Em...don't," he pleaded as he lightly touched my back.

  I shrugged him away. Shane was my best friend and I couldn't help but feel betrayed, hurt, and scared.

  "Why now?" I questioned, "why?"

  "I'm tired of trying to be perfect to keep from letting you down. It gets old ignoring the elephant in the room." His words were harsh and full of honesty. "Besides," he continued, "better late than never, right? I guess, I just needed you to know, and to understand why I've acted the way I have."

  "You realize that this changes everything Shane," I wiped the tears from my eyes as I spoke, "things will never be the same for us again."

  "Things haven't been the same for me for awhile now Em. And to be honest, it can't get much worse. I'm tired of fighting with you," he sighed. "I know that I can't make you love me, but you just need to understand."

  "Understand what?" I seethed as I looked towards him again.

  "You need to understand why I just can't be your friend anymore," he said, "because you can't have the best of both worlds."

  I felt my face flush. "All I needed was your support, I didn't need this. My life is shit, and you keep piling it on!" I felt the anger rising within myself. I was so hurt and betrayed. "Jesus Christ! You just need to get out of my room...NOW!" I yelled. I cringed watching the color leave his face and his jaw tighten. I couldn't stand to look at the hurt in his face any longer so I flipped back onto my bed and stared at the wall.

  "I'm sorry Em," he said, "I agree that my timing is shit and maybe I should have told you sooner, but you needed to know. I can't change the past or how I feel, trust me I've tried. I hate that I love you."