Imperfectly Perfect

by A. E. Woodward

  I felt him rise from the bed, and listened to him shuffle towards the door.

  He paused as he reached for the doorknob, "I'm sorry that my timing is awful but at least now you know where I'm at."

  I lay there in bed for hours. Just crying and thinking, trying to make sense of what I was feeling. For the first time in my life I wished that I had a girlfriend to talk to. Too bad Ginger turned out to be a backstabbing skank. I tried to think of someone I could talk to. Obviously my sister and mother were a bad choice, since my admission of pain would only result in an 'I told you so'. I needed a good listener, and there were only a handful of those people in my life. Normally Shane would be the one I ran to in my time of need, but there was one other man who I placed on the same level as him.

  I picked up my iPhone and quickly punched in the familiar numbers. It rang twice before that familiar voice picked up and said, "Yello."

  "Hey Dad."

  "Hey Beauty. How are ya?"

  "Not so good, actually," I took a deep breath, "that's why I'm calling."

  "Oh, your mom told me about Bradley," he said, "but don't let that get you down Emma, you're stronger than that."

  I shook my head. Of course he would think that Bradley was still bothering me. "No it's not that Dad."

  "Well what's going on out there?"

  I tried to think of a way to say what I needed to, but I couldn't come up with anything better than, "Shane's in love with me."

  "And?" he questioned.

  "And, I'm upset. He's ruined our friendship! Things will never be the same between us."

  "Oh Emma," he chuckled.

  Was my father really laughing at me? This was a serious matter. "It's not funny Dad!"

  "You're right it's not, but the fact that you're acting like its some big surprise and betrayal is funny."

  I tried-albeit unsuccessfully-to process what he said, "What do you mean 'like it's some big surprise'?"

  "Emma, your mother and I have watched you and those boys grow up together. I may be a man but I'm an observant one, and I know that that boy has loved you for a long time."

  I started to stutter and attempt to argue, but Dad raised his voice and continued. "Now let me finish. You wanted my opinion, and I am going to give it to you. You see, you and Tyler have always been close and I know that he cares for you deeply but you'll always be like a little sister to him. Now Shane, that's another story. You may have started off just being buddies, but I knew he had it in for you the night of your senior prom."

  I walked over to my desk and grabbed the picture that had sat there for years. The three of us standing on my front porch dressed in our finest garb. Shane, Tyler, and I had all decided to go stag. That went over like a fart in church with the boys' girlfriends', but they had promised them unlimited dancing in exchange for us to go in a limo alone. I tried to recall the details of the night, but it seemed like a lifetime ago and nothing stuck out for me.

  "Senior prom? Really Dad?" I asked, "I think you're crazy."

  "You didn't see what I saw."

  My father was always so elusive and I wasn't in the mood, "Can you just get to the point already?"

  He cleared his throat, "The boys came to the house before you left in the limo? Remember?"

  "Yes, Dad."

  "Just checking. You were upstairs with your mom finishing getting ready. So the boys and I sat watching something on TV drinking Coke. We talked a bit, but mostly paid attention to the TV. Your mother rushed downstairs and said you were coming."

  I remembered that part clearly, I had been so annoyed with her for making such a fuss; she was forever making a big deal out of nothing.

  "From the corner of my eye," he continued his trip down memory lane, "I saw Shane stand up as I did. I was curious because it seemed strange that he would have such a response to your presence. So, I turned to look at him and saw that he was beaming with pride."

  By that point I was laughing, obviously Dad was just trying to make me feel better by making a joke out of the entire situation.

  "Oh my god Dad!" I cried, "you're stretching it aren't you?"

  "Jesus Christ, would you be quiet and let me finish!" I could hear the frustration in my father's voice and I knew he was being serious. "Now where was I? Oh right, the look on his face. So, when I noticed how he seemed to be so smitten, it sparked my interest. Maybe it was just a friend thing, I didn't know. I had never had female friends, so I turned to my left… expecting to see a similar look on Tyler's face. But you know what I saw?"

  "What?"

  "That boy hadn't even stood up. In fact he was still watching TV, didn't even seem to notice that you were in the room. That was just the first of many clues. Since then there have been other things I've noticed. He looks for subtle ways to touch you, his protectiveness, and the pebbles you didn't think I heard hitting your window. Whether or not he realized it, that boy has loved you for a long time."

  I hung up with my father a few minutes later. I had called him hoping to bring some peace to my whirling mind, yet after talking to him I seemed more confused than ever. I glanced down at the picture of Shane, Tyler, and myself at our senior prom and tried to remember details from the night more clearly.

  Maine. June 2002.

  The DJ picked up the microphone, announcing the last song for the evening. He instructed us to grab someone special and send the night out in style. I laughed to myself as I tied up my sneakers. Someone special? I was beginning to think that such a person didn't exist. I'd changed out of my dress as soon as Shane, Tyler and I had performed our new dance routine in front of the whole graduating class. It had been a hit of course. I could have done with a shower, but since that wasn't exactly an option I just threw on my jeans in preparation for the after party. The song began to play and I sat and watched my classmates hug each other tight; pretending that all this mattered.

  "Having fun, Scrooge?"

  I looked up to find Shane hovering over me grinning like a Cheshire cat.

  "As a matter of fact being a party pooper is a blast."

  "So you probably wouldn't want to dance with your best friend," he asked holding out his hand. "Would you?"

  I smiled as I put my hand in his, "I suppose I could make an exception." We walked out onto the dance floor as Boyz II Men boomed through the gym.

  "So where's Christy?" I asked.

  "She left."

  "Oh man, she must be pissed… she lives for this stuff."

  "Yeah, we fought whenever we were around each other tonight. Not coming in a limo with her really sent her off the deep end."

  "You guys having problems?" I questioned as we swayed awkwardly to the music.

  "Yeah," he answered, "have been for awhile."

  I felt bad that I had no idea, what a crappy friend I was. "I'm sorry buddy. Is there anything I can do to help?"

  "Well, maybe. She's convinced that you and I have a 'thing'.

  "A thing," I laughed.

  "I know," he continued, "it's ridiculous. She's jealous of our relationship, and she's always accusing me of being more in love with you than her."

  "So what do you want me to do?" I probed.

  "Could you talk to her? Try and explain it to her."

  While Christy and I had never had a stellar relationship, I at least had to try for Shane. "Sure thing."

  He leaned in and gave me a hug just as the song ended and the ugly florescent lights came on.

  "I knew I could count on you," he said. "She's meeting me at the bonfire, let's go."

  As Shane and I drove to the gravel pit, we talked about heading to NYU in a few months. The prospect of city life was exciting, and we couldn't wait to see what the future held for us. Tyler was already at the party with Bridgette and he was half in the bag. Christy was there too; her gorgeous black hair still fashioned in her prom-do. She sat next to the fire by herself. She looked miserable.

  Christy was not the girl that I pictured Shane to be with. I had always hoped that we would become fast
friends, but that wasn't the case. She was the "it" girl of Chesterfield High School; the Prom Queen, the Cheer Captain, and friends with everyone. Well, everyone except me.

  "I'll take care of this buddy."

  I patted Shane on the back as I pushed past him in order to join Christy on the log.

  "Have a good time tonight?" I asked taking a long haul from my beer.

  She gave me her best look of death, "Hardly."

  Christy obviously still had her panties in a bunch. I almost thought it would have been better for Shane to have just ridden to Prom with her. But it seemed like their problems were much deeper rooted. I obviously was not her favorite person.

  "Listen I know you don't like me all that much…."

  "You could say that," she cut off.

  Wow what a bitch! "Anyway, like I was saying. We may not be close, but can I talk to you girl to girl?"

  "Knock yourself out," she spat.

  "You need to understand that Shane and I are like brother and sister. We've been friends since we were 9. I'm not out to steal your man. In fact the idea of it kind of grosses me out."

  "It's not you I'm worried about."

  Now I was confused, Shane must have been way off about Christy's problem. Shane did have the tendency to be a bit of a flirt. There must have been another girl he had been chummy with. I tried backtracking, "Oh, Shane thought…."

  "You are so naïve," she mocked.

  "I'm not sure I'm following you Christy."

  "Let me lay it out there for you. I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about him. You don't see the way he looks at you, or hear the way he talks about you. You may think you're just friends, but he loves you more than he will ever love me; or anyone else for that matter."

  I looked at Christy as a tear ran down her cheek. She truly believed what she was saying.

  "Christy, he loves you. He wouldn't have asked me to talk to you if he didn't." I glanced across the pit at Shane talking to Tyler. We made eye contact for a moment and I made a desperate face. I obviously was not helping the "problem".

  She stood up. "Maybe he does, but it will never be enough. I'll never be you."

  And she walked off to join some of her friends on the other side of the gravel pit.

  I lifted myself from the log and walked slowly toward Tyler and Shane.

  "Well…?" he asked hopefully.

  "She's crazy."

  Shane laughed. "I'll go find her," he gave me a hug, "thanks for trying though."

  Shane and Christy had stayed together, struggling through their relationship for four years while we were at NYU. Shortly after graduation they had called it quits. I'd asked Shane what happened, but all I got was 'same old shit'. Had I been the reason? Had Shane really always loved me?

  I got off my bed and walked down the hallway. I needed more clarification. I had to talk to the only other person that I trusted with my life. I knocked on the door.

  "Come in."

  I opened the door, where Tyler was sprawled over his too small bed, reading a book. "Hey Em," he said as he propped himself up on his headboard, "what's up?"

  I shook my head, "I don't know Tyler." I closed the door and the tears streamed down my face.

  "He told you."

  I wanted to be shocked that I was the last to know, but I really wasn't all that surprised.

  I nodded. "I'm so confused." I plopped down on the bed next to him.

  Tyler threw his arm around my shoulder. "You want my opinion?"

  "Obviously, or I wouldn't have come to you."

  "Alright, let me break it down for you. I think Shane has always been in love with you."

  "That seems to be the general consensus," I breathed.

  "Yeah, but hear me out here," he continued, "I think he didn't want to be. I think he tried for years to push it aside, and it finally caught up with him. What do you think?"

  "I think I'm starting to believe that," I sighed

  "Alright, now how do YOU feel about it?"

  "I'm not sure. To be honest I was pretty pissed. But now… I don't know."

  "Alright, I'm going to lay it all out there for you," he said as he got up from his bed. I had known him for years but I never fully got accustomed to how big he was. If I didn't know what a teddy bear he could be, I would be scared having him tower over me.

  "Can you live without him?" he asked.

  I stared blankly back at Tyler. I was confused by this question and I wasn't one hundred percent sure how to answer.

  "Because Em I'll tell you now, if you decide that you don't want to be with him he won't be in your life anymore," Tyler spoke harshly. "This isn't like the little agreement we had-this is the real deal-he loves you."

  "Let's be honest here Em," he continued, "the only reason you and I were able to do what we did was because neither of us really cared. Even if things had gone wrong and our friendship got ruined, we would have been okay with that. We don't really need each other; not like you and Shane do."

  I shivered as I thought about how careless we had been. I had never given a second thought of my friendship with Tyler when we spent those nights tangled in the sheets. Tyler was right. We hadn't cared. The only thing we had taken into consideration during this time was protecting Shane and Rob, knowing that our actions would affect the dynamic of our whole friendship. We did our best at hiding our indiscretions by curbing our affections and making sure that we were always alone. When we called an end to things we made the conscious decision to never speak of it again; until now.

  "So my question Em is can you live without him?"

  I thought for a moment about life without Shane in it and it didn't take me long to realize that I couldn't do it. "No, I can't live without him."

  "I'm going to throw my two cents out there again and say that I think you need him more than he needs you. You may have never thought of him as more than your friend, but deep down you love him too. You're just scared."

  Tyler was right; I needed Shane more than anyone else. My heart pounded in my chest, as if reminding me of my feelings.

  "Why am I scared?" I asked, looking down at my hands, feeling totally confused and unsure of myself.

  "Because for once in your life, you might actually be happy," Tyler spoke softly, "and you won't be able to hide behind your rotten luck anymore."

  I thought back over the past few months and in that instant everything made sense to me. I could never understand why I cared so much about what Shane thought; why I would get so upset when he didn't approve of things. Most of all I couldn't shake the feeling that when I was with Bradley I always felt like something was missing. At that moment it all made sense to me; I had been searching for something I already had.

  "Wow," was all I could muster.

  "There you go." Tyler leaned in and touched his lips to my forehead. "Now get out of my room and get your life straight."

  The clock on my nightstand read 2:05am but I was wide awake, and just sitting on my bed in the dark. My heart was racing and thoughts were swirling through my head faster than I could even register them. I had left Tyler's room three hours ago, and I still couldn't wrap my mind around it. How had I-how had we-been so blind?

  I needed to talk to him, to tell him that I was sorry for being a jerk, to tell him I needed him. Most importantly I needed to tell him that I loved him too. Yet there I sat, frozen. I had known Shane for twenty years and had talked to him about everything but now at this pivotal moment in our relationship, I didn't know what to say.

  Nike had it right when they coined the phrase 'Just Do It'. It was like a band-aid that needed to be ripped off. My words needed to be spoken, before I lost the courage. I took a deep breath and stood up, slid my feet into my sheepskin slippers and walked out my door into the dark hallway. It was eerily silent throughout the condo, particularly for a Saturday night. I walked down the hallway, finally stopping in front of Shane's door. I reached out and quietly knocked; no answer. I knew he must have fallen asleep but I couldn't wait;
I had to say-or do-something now.

  I opened his door and through the darkness I saw him laying there sleeping, his chest rising and falling with each deep, drawn out breath. The moonlight was shining through the window, illuminating his familiar face. Perhaps it was the first time I allowed myself to see him or I maybe I had been too clouded within my own drama to notice, but he was absolutely beautiful. His unshaven face, a perfect balance between a rugged man and the sweet boy I'd always known, framed perfectly by his shaggy brown hair.

  I reached down and placed my hand softly upon his cheek, and that's when it really hit me. His smooth skin instantly warmed my hand, and my heart swelled. I ached knowing all that I had put him through.

  Right then, I knew that I loved him too. I always had, I had just been too blind to realize it.

  He woke as I dropped to my knees next to his bed, and I could see the confusion in his eyes; his beautiful blue eyes.

  "Emma?" he cleared his throat.

  "I'm sorry."

  "For what?" he questioned.

  "For ruining our friendship." I lifted the comforter and slid myself into his bed like I had so many times before, but this time it was different. This time I had an ulterior motive. I pressed my warm body against his, and I felt my skin set fire in response to his presence. I grabbed the back of his neck and, pulling his face to mine, kissed his lips softly. I swear I could hear his brain ticking, trying to figure out if he was awake or dreaming. I kissed him again, this time a little harder and urged him to respond. His lips parted as he took a deep, ragged breath, and then I felt them on mine. Tentatively, his hands explored my burning body, his touch soft yet hungry at the same time.

  He pulled back and smiled coyly, "Now that should have been our first kiss."

  I smiled as I remembered that drunken kiss so many months ago. "You're unbelievable," I muttered.

  His lips found mine again and slowly moved down my neck. I seized the opportunity to say the one thing I had came to this room to say. "I love you too, Shane."

  His hand caressed the side of my face as he gazed into my eyes. "I know. I just wondered how long I would have to wait for you to realize it."