Open Spaces

by Barbara Winkes

  * * * *

  The last time, Summer had packed clothes and toiletry for an overnight stay, into an oversized purse to make it less obtrusive.

  Last week, she had hoped to come up with a brilliant idea to explain to DeeDee why she couldn’t go to that party. Everything had happened at a pace that had her winded, still, already, her own bed felt too big and lonely.

  “Pathetic,” she said out loud, but that didn’t make it any less true.

  She surveyed her spotless desk. Everything was cleaned up and ready for the next week.

  Lauren knocked on her door at precisely 2:00 p.m., and Summer pulled her inside for a proper greeting before she locked it behind them. She was well aware of the looks following them when they walked along the hallway. Some of her colleagues and students might even have recognized Lauren; either way, they seemed impressed.

  I know what you mean.

  Next, for the harder part.

  “You don’t have to come in,” she reminded Lauren when they pulled into the parking lot of the home. “I just need to check in, make sure she’s okay.”

  “Is it all right if I come with you?” Lauren asked softly. “Is it going to be confusing for her?”

  Summer wished she knew. “It’s all right,” she said, hoping she wasn’t making a big mistake.

  Connie Philips was still the kind and loving person Summer had grown up with. They lived in different timelines now, with memories of each other that didn’t come together in the present. A part of Summer was afraid if she dared to live her life, take all the opportunities it presented her with, they’d be drifting even further apart. Summer knew this fear was hardly rational. How much farther apart could they be?

  Lauren stayed in the background, friendly, respectful, a presence more supportive than Summer could have ever imagined. It was a sunny day, warm enough for them to sit out in the backyard with a cup of coffee. Connie was always happy to have visitors, and share stories of a time long gone. Lately, she’d been talking about Summer’s father a lot, which brought up another quality of grief. Not so for Connie, for whom those conversations could have taken place minutes ago.

  Summer was grateful for the kind and dedicated staff, and the atmosphere they created for the patients. She had wrestled with this decision long and hard, and in the end, found there was no alternative. Maybe there would have been. Maybe she should have—

  “Are you two together?” Connie asked when Lauren had excused herself to the restroom.

  The question, like most conversation, came out of the blue. Its content might mean nothing, but still, Summer cherished it like a ray of sun breaking through the clouds, a small victory even if it wasn’t.

  “I think so,” she said, careful.

  “What a beautiful woman. She looks like an actress,” her mother said. “Your Dad would like her too. Maybe you could bring her to dinner some time.”

  “I’ll make sure she does. Thank you so much, Mrs. Philips.” Lauren had returned to their table, smiling as if there was nothing odd about the situation, and maybe she was right.

  “Would you two be up for a little walk?” Lauren continued. “I saw there’s a park behind the house.”

  When they shared a smile, Summer imagined there was real recognition on her mother’s face.

  It’s true, I am your daughter, a lesbian, and a pretty happy one these days. Connie. Mom.

  Their visit continued, quiet and blessedly uneventful until it was time to say goodbye.

  “This is a great place,” Lauren said.

  “It is,” Connie agreed. “I just wish my daughter could visit me more often. She’s very busy in college,” she told Summer who forced herself to keep the smile in place until she and Lauren were back in the car.

  “I’m so sorry,” was all the warning she could give her, before the tears came. Lauren didn’t appear fazed by her meltdown in any way, pulled her close and held her for as long as Summer needed to adjust to reality once more.

  * * * *

  “I can’t believe the patience you have,” Summer said with a mix of frustration and awe. “How did you not run yet?”

  “Let’s see. I wanted to meet your mom. You were understandably upset, so we stayed a little while…”

  …and you have no idea you just broke my heart, do you?

  “I have to admit my stomach is not so patient. Would you mind if we stopped for dinner on the way?” Lauren asked.

  “No, not at all. You know,” Summer said, keeping her gaze straight ahead, “I kept her home as long as I could. When she started wandering away, I couldn’t take the risk.”

  “You don’t have to explain.”

  “I know, but I want to. Anyway, you have an idea now—and you still want to spend the weekend with me, after I bawled all over you?”

  “I might choose different words,” Lauren said, “but basically, that sums it up. I’m glad you let me come with you.” She was choosing her words carefully, a relief to Summer who had heard it all before, pity, well-meant advice, insensitive questions. It confirmed what her intuition had told her about Lauren right away.

  “I still tell her things all the time, about my life, even though she doesn’t know who I am most of the time.”

  “I can’t even imagine what that’s like,” Lauren said quietly. “She seemed to notice…about us though.”

  Summer couldn’t help but feel thrilled Lauren had seen it too. The last real conversation she and Connie had had on the subject had been many years ago. “My parents were both great about it when I came out. In fact, Mom kind of knew before I did. I had a boyfriend at sixteen, the kindest and most understanding guy you can imagine, but I kept spending more and more time with his sister…who was straight, of course. One day, Mom took me aside and asked if I realized what was going on.”

  “What happened?”

  “I broke up with him. It was a little awkward for a while, but we both found someone else. It’s hard to believe that I once thought of this as difficult, a problem. I had no idea,” Summer said ruefully.

  “Well, you’re in for a little break now,” Lauren said after a moment of letting Summer’s words sink in. “I hope you’ll like the place. I’m sorry I didn’t get to send you those pictures though.”

  At the next red light, they entwined their fingers.

  “I guess I trust you that much.” It was all that needed to be said at that moment.

  * * * *

  “Too bad it’s getting chilly already,” Lauren commented as they walked up to the beachfront property. “You can still take nice walks at this time of year, but swimming will be out of the question. There’s a hot tub though.”

  The latter elicited an audible gasp from her companion.

  “You come here often?” Summer asked. Behind her questions, there was a multitude of others Lauren was well aware of.

  “Not to this particular place, no. Would that bother you?”

  “No.” Summer shook her head. “I admit I am curious about some things…but I suppose we covered enough heavy issues for today.”

  Lauren unlocked the door, and they walked inside the one-level house into the living room area, an open floor plan with a kitchen and dining area adjacent.

  “You can ask, you know. There’s no big story. I guess I can be…difficult? So you’re warned now.”

  “For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re difficult. I just…I like being with you.”

  “Same here.” Lauren cleared her throat, a bit self-conscious at the emotion apparent in her tone. “Okay, you’re right, enough with the tough subjects. How about a hot shower, and then we get comfortable?”

  Summer smiled. “How about we save some water too?”

  It was a suggestion too good to refuse, especially after further inspection of their home for the weekend.

  It had started to rain, yet the view of the ocean from the cozy bedroom was worthwhile. Lauren thought to herself she wouldn’t mind if they had to stay in all weekend either.

  T
he bathroom was a luxurious space with a tub, double sinks, and the shower with a small bench built into the tiled wall, and a rainforest shower head.

  “Wow. Just how much are we paying for this place?” Summer wondered out loud.

  “It’s paid for,” Lauren said lightly, hoping this would be the end of the subject. “Don’t worry about it.”

  “That kinda makes me worry.”

  “Don’t. I’ve been looking forward to having you all to myself.”

  “You’ve had me all to yourself so far,” Summer said, amused.

  “It was still a long wait from Tuesday.” Lauren started unbuttoning Summer’s blouse, sliding it from her shoulders. “Too long.”

  Summer returned her kiss with equal impatience and passion, then she moved her head to expose her neck as if she knew Lauren planned to go there next. In little time, they had learned some of each other’s preferences. Well, most of them, actually, she assumed. Bit by bit, their clothes ended up on the floor in an untidy heap, and they were finally naked under the warm, relaxing shower spray.

  “I feel like I should ask you about your job more,” Summer said, laughing a little. “I hope you know it’s not because I’m not interested. I seem to have a one track mind lately. It’s all your fault.”

  Lauren couldn’t suppress the contented sigh at the feel of Summer’s hands exploring her body, slick with the coconut shower gel. Discussing a day at the office was the last thing on her mind.

  “I’m not sorry,” she murmured, enjoying the warm glide of Summer’s fingers over her, into her, all under the water cascading over them. “Besides…” The word came out in a gasp as her body tightened around the invading digits. “You’re not the only one…with the one track mind.” She was ready to let go and leave it up to chance if she’d really be able to stay upright through all of it, but Summer had other plans, obviously. Bereft of the touch, she stood, trembling, waiting.

  Summer grabbed a towel and put it on the floor in front of her before she went to her knees in a slow, sexy move.

  “Sit,” she said softly, a command more than a suggestion. Lauren was more than happy to comply as she leaned back against the smooth cold tile, letting Summer handle her body to both their satisfaction, one foot on the floor, one up on the tiled bench. Lauren had little time to concern herself with any remaining inhibitions, if there were any, at making herself completely open and vulnerable to the woman at her feet. She caught a glimpse at their reflection in the glass doors, slightly amused at her voyeuristic moment, but very much turned on. It wasn’t the most comfortable position. Lauren wasn’t complaining either, because every breath brought an amazing, unreal climax further into reach. Those last moments seemed to stretch unbearably. Finally, the intimate touch of Summer’s mouth and fingers brought her there, her own hands curling around the edge of the bench.

  Wave after wave of pleasure, she succumbed, feeling the aftershocks even after her body went still. Summer turned off the water before she sat next to her.

  “Hey. You’re in there?” she asked affectionately, laying a hand on Lauren’s thigh.

  “Barely.” Lauren chuckled, still out of breath. “I knew the weekend was going to be good. I’m not sure I was prepared for it to be this good. Please, take it as a compliment. This would be a good moment to lie down for a bit, don’t you think?”

  * * * *

  They did go to bed, though there wasn’t a lot of rest. That part came later, in the hot tub, with a glass of champagne. There was something about this setting that made Summer fear she had stumbled into a fantasy that could be taken away from her any moment.

  Lauren was unlike anyone she’d ever met. If difficult looked like this, Summer would take it gladly, and not just because she was finally getting a break from a life that someone else seemed to have mapped out for her. She didn’t mind having her cell phone close for emergencies, always. Maybe DeeDee had been right, and she had created much of the problem herself, but she’d been so tired of investing in a relationship and learning the other person didn’t.

  This, whatever it was she had with Lauren, it felt different, as if they’d both known from the beginning what they were in for, and were all right with it. After a week, Summer wasn’t sure if that was still true. She didn’t want it to be over. She didn’t want it to be just about the amazing sex they had. She was falling for Lauren so hard Summer was scared of where she might end up.

  “After this, I’m kind of anxious about taking you to my apartment,” she said. “It’s not exactly spacious.” –or what you’re used to, she added in her mind.

  “Space is not a problem,” Lauren said, leaning back with her eyes closed, her expression serene and relaxed. “You could just move in with me. I’ve got space.”

  “What? Don’t joke about things like that.” Summer stopped herself, not wanting to reveal that those casual words had hit home with her. It was one thing not to have expectations when you were used to being alone. If this ended, nothing would actually feel like nothing, and it would hurt.

  Lauren held her gaze, unfazed. “Okay, it might be a little early for that, but I can assure you, I’m not joking. I believe that you don’t need a year, or ten, to figure out whether you fit together, especially at our age. I’m talking about me here, not you.”

  “I’m not that young. In fact, I’m raising the average age of TAs by more than I like. Graduation day can’t come soon enough. You don’t know a lot about me. Everything happened so fast.”

  “I know what I feel,” Lauren said, patient and confident. Summer realized that sooner than expected, they were coming to a crossroad, the need to decide whether they were ready for a real commitment, or what the alternatives were. “I think you do too.”

  “Yes.” Summer saw no reason in denying. “Still, I’m afraid you might get tired of the cell phone on the bedside table, or the regular appointments. I’ve been there before.”

  “You said you trust me, remember?” Lauren’s words were without scorn. “I guess you’ll have to continue to do that. I hope you will. I understand you have responsibilities. We’re both busy. That doesn’t mean it can’t work out in the long run. I’d like you to meet my family. Would you come with me to my Dad’s birthday party?”

  “That’s a private thing...”

  “Yeah, so? I met your mom. Now it’s your turn.”

  “I’d love to, but are you sure everyone will be okay with it?”

  “Are you kidding me?” Lauren laughed. “They’ll be so glad someone’s brave enough to take a chance on me. Don’t worry. My brother’s got two kids. Hannah is four, and Matthew a little over a year. They are usually the center of attention, regardless of whose birthday it is.”

  “Okay then.” Summer wasn’t fooling herself. She was going to obsess about this occasion, what to wear, what to say. For the moment, she wanted to be happy that Lauren wanted her there, and what it meant. Maybe stopping to think wasn’t always the right, adult thing. Maybe it was all right to trust this time.

  * * * *

  Between long walks on the beach when the sun came out the next day, conversations, shared meals and more sex, Summer contemplated the idea of an every day life with Lauren.

  “I could pay you rent. I could make other contributions.”

  The smile playing over Lauren’s lips told her she was thinking of ways that weren’t entirely appropriate to discuss in public. They had retreated to the small café when another rain shower started.

  “By which I meant…cook? You said you don’t enjoy it. I wish I had your kitchen. It’s gorgeous.”

  “I think I enjoy it a whole lot more with you in it.” That sounded somehow ambiguous too. If they both had a one track mind, her body was definitely enjoying it.

  “I guess that’s not a problem.”

  There was no problem, really. People started relationships like that all the time, didn’t they? It was hard enough to meet someone, let alone someone you felt comfortable with in every way. They might not move in togeth
er next week, but there was something there to build on.

  “I would like to go back to the museum too, see all of it in a sober state. I’d like to see more of your work.” Summer blushed, a bit self-conscious when she admitted, “I looked you up on the internet after…the first night. I’m sorry, I had no idea you were pretty well-known.”

  “That’s fine.” Lauren shrugged. “People think they know a lot about me. I thought the magazine cover was pretty horrible. They nearly photoshopped me to death in it. Same old story. You’re a woman, people think it matters a whole lot what you look like.”

  “I thought the cover was okay, but you’re a lot more beautiful in person.” About this statement, she didn’t feel self-conscious at all.

  Lauren did, even though she seemed pleased with the compliment. “Flattery. Thank you.”

  “Will that get me anywhere?”

  “I think you pretty much know the answer to that.” Lauren opened her wallet and tossed a bill on the table. “It doesn’t look like the weather’s going to get any better. Let’s make ourselves comfortable at home.”

  The cell phone didn’t ring, which meant everything was okay back at Connie’s. It wasn’t what kept Summer awake that night, as she pondered the past week, the past hours, and their future plans. She couldn’t keep her hands off Lauren, and without a doubt, the same was true vice versa. She truly had never desired anyone like this. Even now, the remembered pleasure caused a jolt of heat.

  They enjoyed each other’s company, that much was for sure, but there were tests soon to come. Friends, family. Connie might not remember she ever saw Lauren, if they were to meet again. Summer had yet to find her way around Lauren’s circles.

  “You’re not worried about that party already?” Lauren asked sleepily, turning to her. “It will be fine. I swear.”

  “We never had a real date,” Summer mused. “I mean…just go out, get to know each other.”

  “I know a lot about you. I know that little sound you make when…” Summer jumped when Lauren’s fingers slipped under the covers, tickling her. “Like that exactly—and others.”

  “I think you are amazing. I just wonder sometimes if we have that much in common besides…”