If I Could Stay

by Annette K. Larsen

  15

  BEING BACK IN school helped me gain a sense of freedom and normalcy, like I was becoming more recognizable simply because I was doing something I wanted to do. Or maybe it was because someone was actually getting to know the real me. It made me happy, and that was a little terrifying because it meant I had something to lose.

  Still, I beat back the fear and tried to really live my life. During the third week of classes, I was late to biology, and at the end, when it was clear that I had missed the explanation for the homework we’d been assigned, I decided to ask another student instead of the teacher. Because I was brave like that.

  I turned to my right and said, “Hi” a little too loudly. I think I scared the guy sitting there, who had been busy putting his books away.

  He looked up with raised eyebrows and then sat up a little straighter and looked me over. It had been a while since someone had checked me out so blatantly, but I tried not to squirm. “Hey,” he said, leaning forward with a cocky smile.

  Okay. Not what I had anticipated. Maybe I should have asked a girl, but it was too late now. “I didn’t hear him explain the homework. Can you give me a rundown?”

  “Oh. Sure.” He pulled a folder out and gave me the pertinent details.

  “Thanks.” I was relieved, both that I had accomplished my goal and that his shmoozy vibe hadn’t continued through the interaction. I grabbed my bag and gave him a grateful smile in departure.

  See? I can do this. I can be normal.

  I jogged down the steps and was cutting across the lawn when a hand landed on my shoulder, trying to bring me to a halt. Instead, I dropped that shoulder back and spun the rest of my body until I was able to grab his hand and the back of his elbow, locking both joints then twisting his arm back to bring him to his knees and then down on his stomach. I knelt on the back of his shoulder to keep him down.

  “What the—ah!” he complained as I put a little more pressure on.

  As I studied his face, which was twisted in pain, I realized it was the guy I had asked about homework.

  Crap.

  I let him go and pushed to my feet. “Sorry. You okay? I thought you—I didn’t realize—” I made myself shut up as I rubbed my hands on the sides of my pants, my cheeks flaming in embarrassment as he awkwardly climbed to his own feet while looking at me with a she-be-crazy expression.

  “What was that?” he asked, and I couldn’t tell if he was more upset, impressed, or bewildered.

  My arms folded over my chest as I looked away, annoyed at myself. “You startled me,” was my pathetic excuse.

  “So you went all ninja on me?”

  I shrugged and adjusted my backpack. “Was there something you needed?”

  “I was going to see if you wanted to hang out sometime, but maybe that’s not a good idea.” His one raised eyebrow mocked me.

  “Yeah, you’re probably right,” I was quick to agree. “See you around.”

  Awkward exit, stage left.

  I was a nutcase.

  Biology was going to be super fun from now on. Mr. Homework would probably tell a bunch of people about my freak-out. Or maybe not. It didn’t exactly paint him in a macho light, so maybe he would keep it to himself.

  I could hope.

  When I made it home that evening, I was just unlocking my door when my phone dinged with a text. I knew it was either Nina or Charlotte before I even looked. They were the only ones who ever texted me. The message told me that movie night would start at nine and I was in charge of bringing pie.

  I chuckled to myself, dropped my backpack inside, and headed for my car. Pie wasn’t really my thing, but the sisters both loved it and I was happy to feed their addiction with store-bought offerings. What I had told Jack was true: I did need people who were willing to invade my space. Nina and Charlie had done a good job of pushing past my walls over the past several months. They never bothered to seek any sort of permission to be part of my life; they just assumed they could be. They told me where to be and at what time, and ordered me to bring pie. It reminded me of the way that Jack had pushed into my life.

  Eating dinner would be pointless. I knew the sisters would have so much food that I would go away bemoaning the amount I’d eaten, even without dinner. So after returning home and stashing the pies in the fridge, I worked on my homework and ran through a few violin pieces before heading over to their apartment.

  I kicked on the door since my hands were full.

  Charlie opened the door and squealed while giving me an overenthusiastic hug that threatened to knock the pies out of my hands. “Sage is here!” she announced to I don’t know who, and then she pulled back. “Have I ever told you how much I love your punctuality?” She didn’t wait for me to answer before pulling me inside and shutting the door. “Nina, Sage is here!” she hollered in the direction of the hall.

  Nina stuck her head out into the hallway, the curling iron caught up in her hair. “I’m shocked,” she deadpanned, and I snorted.

  “What’s with the curling iron?” I asked.

  Nina shrugged and ducked back into the bathroom. I turned to Charlie for an answer instead.

  “She just wants to look more like me.” She grabbed a chunk of her hair and gave it a dramatic toss over her shoulder.

  “Don’t we all?” I said while grabbing a handful of chips. “So what are we watching?”

  “Um,” Charlie hedged while opening a container of guacamole, “I’m not sure yet.”

  I scrunched my brow. That was odd. They always knew what they wanted to watch. I scanned the counter, noting that their spread of food was even more outrageous than usual. “You’re going to end up throwing half of this out.”

  “Nah, it will get eaten.”

  “By who?”

  She gave me a cheesy grin that I didn’t trust and went to open the fridge.

  My internal scheme alarm went off. “Charlie,” I said in my warning voice. “Who’s going to eat all this food?”

  “There might be a couple other people joining us,” she said from inside the fridge.

  “Aw, crap. Charlie!”

  She stood up straight and gave me wide, innocent eyes. “What?” I swear she was an evil fairy in another life.

  I collapsed onto a barstool and said in my whiniest voice, “I don’t wanna be set up.”

  “It’s not a setup.”

  “B.S.” I got up and stalked down the hallway, making Nina jump when I appeared in the bathroom doorway. “Did Charlie set me up?”

  “Yup.”

  “I’m leaving.”

  When I went into the main room, I didn’t see my keys on the counter where I had left them.

  “Where are my keys?” I asked Charlie. “I’m going home.”

  “Are you going to change into something nicer?”

  “No. Why?” I looked down at myself, pretty certain I should be offended. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”

  “Nothing! You look adorable. But if that’s not why you’re leaving, then I’m afraid you can’t have your keys.” She shrugged and gave me an aw-shucks face.

  I glared.

  The doorbell rang.

  Charlie gave two little frighteningly perky claps and rounded the counter to answer the door. I walked around to where she had been standing and sat down on the ground in front of the dishwasher where I was hidden from the view of anyone at the front door.

  I listened as Charlie welcomed several guys. Either three or four, I couldn’t be sure. I hoped it was four—then at least we would have odd numbers. Not that it mattered. I would sit here until Charlie coughed up my keys.

  Charlie leaned around the counter and glared at me. “What are you doing?” she said in a fierce whisper.

  “I am protesting being set up.” I didn’t glare, instead deciding to go with the unflappable approach. I would sit in protest, and nothing she did would rile me. They could carry on and have their movie night and I would sit here in silence.

  Not even the feet that walked i
nto my view, which clearly belonged to a guy, would move me from this spot. I didn’t care if they thought I was weird.

  “So, we meet again,” the owner of the feet declared.

  Looking up, I saw his face and my unflappability disintegrated. It was the homework guy.

  I heaved an internal groan. Did it have to be him? Of all people? Really?

  He raised an eyebrow as he studied my position on the floor. “You looking for something?”

  My eyes cut over to Charlie. “My keys.”

  She waved off my murderous glare. “I’m sure we’ll find them by the end of the night. Brandon, why don’t you help Sage to her feet?”

  He stepped forward and offered a hand, which I took, letting him pull me up. I had lost the fight, but I didn’t have to be happy about it. I dusted off the seat of my pants then crossed my arms, going for the closed-off stance that would discourage anyone from thinking they needed to be friendly.

  “So, it’s Sage?” Homework Guy, AKA Brandon, asked.

  “Yeah.” I slid away from him and grabbed a paper plate. Maybe I shouldn’t be quite so rude, but the recollection of our earlier encounter was just so awkward.

  Luckily, he backed off a little, and Charlie introduced me to the other guys. Good, there were four.

  The evening ended up being not terrible. Once we stuck in the action movie that the guys had brought along, it was pretty easy to tune everyone out. I had purposefully chosen the one lone chair in the room, unwilling to deal with the couch seating situation.

  Brandon was pretty nice, though a little loud for my taste. The four guys were all roommates. Matt and David were brothers who both had a thing for Charlie, but she was oblivious. Josh was the fourth roommate, and he was the reason Nina had curled her hair. I had to hide a smile behind my hand several times as I watched Nina get her flirt on. She had wisely chosen to stop defending her ex and was happily taking pre-law classes, so it was good to see her getting back in the saddle again.

  Brandon never mentioned my ninja demonstration, and in fact seemed pretty determined to act like we were already friends. It left me more than a little confused, because what guy tries to pursue a girl after she laid him out flat? Maybe he saw me as a challenge. I sure hoped not, because that would get on my nerves mighty quick.

  Charlie was nice enough to relinquish my keys after the movie, and to show my appreciation, I stayed and socialized for a full half-hour before taking my leave.

  I also took my pie with me. Charlie didn’t deserve my leftover pie.

  ***

  OCTOBER

  Fall set in, and for all the glories of summer in Flagstaff, it was clear that winter was going to kick my butt. I took a shopping trip to get myself decked out with winter gear, and did my best to call upon my NYC roots and be less of a wuss.

  You’d think I would appreciate Phoenix more, since it was so warm, but it wasn’t the same. The dry heat made me feel like it was sucking out my soul. Louisiana humidity may have made me think I was drowning on the air, but at least it had pretty green scenery. Still, there was a very small part of me that was fond of Phoenix, because that’s where I got to listen to Jack’s messages.

  So when Nina and Charlie dropped by my apartment and suggested that we go down to see the NAU vs. ASU game, I agreed. I wasn’t exactly a sports fan, but being at an actual game would be fun, especially since I would be supporting the college I was attending. Very normal of me.

  “What time do we need to leave?” I asked.

  “The game starts at two,” Nina answered, stealing an apple off my countertop. “So the guys are picking us up at ten to give us plenty of time.”

  I should have known. “What guys?” I asked, knowing I wouldn’t like the answer, whatever it was.

  “The usual guys,” Charlie answered, since Nina had just bitten into her apple. “Matt and his crew.” It didn’t escape my notice that the only one she named was Matt. Apparently she’d picked her favorite brother. Poor Dave. “Remember to wear school colors and I promise it will be a lot of fun.” She headed toward the door and Nina followed behind, giving me a little wave.

  “Are we taking Dave’s Suburban?” Please say yes. It would be less awkward if we were all in one car instead of divided into smaller contingencies.

  “Yeah. Do you get carsick?” Charlie asked as she opened the door.

  “Nope.”

  “Good, then you can sit in back with Brandon.”

  I looked for something to throw at her, but she was already gone.

  ***

  As luck would have it, Brandon was prone to carsickness, so he sat up front with Dave. Charlie and Matt sat in back, and I got to share the middle bench with Nina and Josh.

  Being in a big car with a bunch of rowdy college kids ended up being fun. It surprised me that I was able to relax and enjoy myself, the two-and-a-half-hour drive to Tempe going by quickly and with a lot less weirdness than I had expected.

  The game was long. That shouldn’t have surprised me. I knew football games usually lasted three or four hours, but knowing it and sitting through the whole game were two different things. Luckily, watching Charlie and Nina with the guys was even more entertaining than the game. At the beginning of the fourth quarter, everyone started talking about going out to dinner afterwards. I was relieved we’d be staying in town after the game. I had planned on checking my voicemail while at the game, but there was nowhere I had found that would be private enough.

  When the fourth quarter was halfway over and it was clear that NAU was going to lose, we decided to beat the rush and left early.

  My eagerness to check my phone left my body humming with nervous energy, and Brandon gave me an odd look as we entered the restaurant and settled in our seats. “You okay?” he asked. “You look like you’re…in withdrawal or something. Do you need to go smoke?”

  I laughed at that. I couldn’t help it, because the description was just a little too appropriate. He had tried to sound casual, but I could tell he was a bit horrified at the thought of me smoking. “No, I’m not hiding a habit, I promise.” Then, since I was going to have to explain my absence anyway—“But there is a call that I have to make, so when we order and I excuse myself, I promise I’m not sneaking off for a cigarette break, okay?” I put my hand on his arm to reassure him.

  He grinned at the contact and I realized that my excitement over hearing from Jack was making me overly friendly. I withdrew my hand, cleared my throat and concentrated on my menu.

  Everyone was hungry enough that as soon as our server showed up, we were ready and willing to put our orders in, which meant I was able to grab my purse and excuse myself. I left the restaurant and went around the side to avoid any prying eyes or ears.

  My grin stretched from ear to ear as I saw that there were two messages waiting for me.

  His voice was surprisingly unsure. “Tell me more about these friends from your building. Are they girl friends or guy friends? And if they’re guy friends, can you go ahead and lie to me and tell me they’re girl friends? Because I’m a Neanderthal and…I’m really wishing I could delete this message.” He let out a ragged sigh. “Sorry. I miss you. I’ve been purposefully swamping myself in work, and while the captain seems mildly impressed, it’s wearing me down. If only a vacation were an option.” He paused and let out a self-deprecating laugh. “I have this scenario in my head where you and I figure out some way to meet up somewhere on the down low. Very cloak and dagger. But I know you’d never go for that, and it’s probably a bad idea. So…that’s my depressing daydream! How’s your day going?” He asked with false cheer. “Mine’s going…super great.” His discomfort was obvious. “Clearly I should have waited until I was in a better frame of mind to call you. Maybe I’ll call back in a few days and try to redeem myself. I hope you appreciate that I only leave you one message each time. You know, for the most part. Wow, I’ve really gone off on a tangent here, haven’t I? I quit. I miss you. I’ll try again in a couple days.”

  I laughed
out loud and decided that that message deserved its own response. Instead of listening to his next voicemail, I dialed his number so I could respond, pulling my feet up and tucking them under me as I waited for the beep.

  “That may be the best message I’ve ever received,” I said to his voicemail. “I haven’t listened to the second one yet, because I wanted to respond to that first one.” I tried to stop smiling. It didn’t work. “You’re hilarious. I’m glad you didn’t wait until you were in a better frame of mind to call me. The rambling was priceless, and yes, my friends are girl friends.” I thought about mentioning the cohort of boys I was currently with, but really there was nothing to tell. “I’m not going to lie, your cloak and dagger plan is tempting, but I could never do it. It would be too risky for you.” And I couldn’t let him put himself in danger because of me. “Okay. I’m listening to the other message now. But I doubt it will live up to that first one.”

  I hung up and quickly tapped on his second voicemail.

  “Attempt number two,” he said with the enthusiasm of an announcer. “You said you were going to start violin lessons, or classes? Have you been playing more with an orchestra? Maybe you can tell me what pieces you’re playing. Then I can download them and pretend it’s you.” A door opened and then shut. “I’m glad you’re getting to know people. They’re lucky.” There were a couple thumps, which I imagined were bags that he was putting down. “So, is there any chance you’d consider letting me answer the phone when you call? It’s more than a little bit torturous to not answer every time your name comes up. And no, it’s not your real name. I keep telling myself that it’s like being back in the old days when people had to write letters to keep in touch and they took a long time to get to the other person. Yeah, the old days suck.” I laughed and pressed my knuckles against my smiling mouth. “I hate your father.” There was a beat of silence. “Wow, that sounds terrible. I’m glad there was no one around to hear that. I hope that doesn’t offend you. It doesn’t, does it? I can’t imagine it would, but now I’m all worried because what guy in their right mind tells a girl he likes that he hates her father?” He heaved a sigh. “Attempt number two: failed. Abort! Abort!” I could tell he was frustrated with himself, but I was grinning. “Stay safe. Call me back.”