If I Could Stay

by Annette K. Larsen

  I chuckled, wishing that I could take more time to really appreciate the message, but I had left the phone on longer than usual and I needed to finish up. I called to leave another message, wondering vaguely what he would think when he received two for the price of one.

  It beeped and I said the first thing that came to mind.

  “I’m not upset that you hate my father. I get it. Sometimes I wish I felt nothing but hate for him. It would be less complicated that way.” I picked at the seam of my jeans. “My life really was messed up. I never told you, but my first kiss was with a guy who had been planted in my life by my father’s biggest rival.” A disgusted laugh escaped my lips, full of self-deprecation. I rubbed my forehead. “That’s still just as humiliating to think about as when it happened. And as terrifying. He killed my mother and then sent a guy to…I don’t know, win me over?” What would have happened if my father hadn’t found out and warned me away from Russo’s fake FBI friends? That’s one of the reasons I couldn’t hate him all the way. “So if you were interested in getting some insight as to why relationships terrify me, there you go.” I cleared my throat, feeling suddenly awkward and unsure. “Now I’m the one wishing I could erase a message. And just so you know, I really wish we didn’t have to do this whole message thing, that we could just talk, but I—” How could I explain the paranoia without sounding completely nutty? “I just can’t. It would be too easy to stay on the phone for a long time. I wouldn’t ever want to hang up.” It was time to wrap it up. “I’ve got to go. The phone’s been on too long. I miss you, too.”

  I pulled the battery and then headed inside before stopping myself. I had almost forgotten to check for any messages from Renee. Digging around in my purse produced the correct phone and I went through the motions to discover that there were no messages from her, as usual.

  I disconnected the battery and slipped the phone back into my purse and took a deep breath to center myself before going back inside.

  Dinner was good, but it wasn’t until we were leaving and a guy in dark sunglasses looked at me for longer than was comfortable that I realized my mistake. My cell phones had pinged the towers around here and then I’d stayed in the same place. Sure, the likelihood of anyone actually tracking me was pretty small, but the chance existed. That’s why I had rules and procedures. That’s why I went through all this ridiculousness. I was supposed to leave right after I pulled the batteries. How was it that I was so mixed up that I had forgotten?

  I tucked my chin into my chest and fiddled with my hair, blocking my face as best I could until we all climbed into the suburban. As we pulled away, the man was still standing just outside the restaurant doors. It wasn’t until we were halfway home that I stopped looking for a tail.

  16

  NOVEMBER

  My paranoia kicked up an extra notch for the next week, but then settled down. If the guy at the restaurant really had been looking for me, they would have done something about it. However, that scare resulted in a determination to get a better handle on my situation. Maybe I needed to change up my routine, go somewhere other than Phoenix. Or maybe I should just give in to the inevitable and throw out my phone. After all, what was I accomplishing by keeping in touch with Jack? Yes, I loved it. I loved getting to know him better. I loved the connection to someone who knew my name, knew my situation. But what was our relationship going to look like a year down the road? This was all we’d ever have, and while I might be okay with that, did I really want to foist those limitations on Jack? Was that fair to him?

  By the same token, was it fair for me to cut off contact without asking him what he wanted? No, it really wasn’t. I didn’t want to fall into the trap of making a decision for someone else “for their own good.” I knew too well what it felt like to be the person on the receiving end of that.

  All I could control was me. So I’d have to be better, more aware, more careful.

  A full five weeks had passed since the game. I’d held out a week longer than usual, thinking maybe the change in time would somehow make me safer. I left early morning on a Sunday and went west of the city to keep some distance from Tempe and the ASU campus.

  The weather was gorgeous, but I didn’t go to a park, instead choosing some common ground in the middle of a subdivision. I sat on the ground, staring at the phone in one hand and the battery in the other as I thought through the last messages I’d left. I’d told him about Sam. I’d never told anyone that story. This would be interesting.

  I checked to be sure I was alone, and then put the battery in, my heart leaping into my throat the second I saw the waiting message.

  “So, I kissed you before you left.” My cheeks flamed to life at his blunt reminder. “Yup, I’m going to go there. I kissed you, and it wasn’t because I was trying to get anything from you. I just wanted to.” If I’d still had grand ideas of cutting off ties for his own good, they’d be out the window. “I hope you know that, because it was incredible, and I’d like to make it happen again. So, fair warning: that’s what I’m going to try to do. I’m going to do whatever I can to change this screwy situation we’ve found ourselves in so that I don’t have to spend the rest of my life waiting for my phone to ring and not answering it. Just thought you should know.” I was freaking out, elated, frustrated, and guilty. “How’s your day going?” he continued casually, as though he hadn’t just told me he was on a mission to kiss me again. “Got any fun plans for Thanksgiving, or are you lying low? Maybe you worship at the altar of black Friday, is that it? You get up at three a.m. and wait in the parking lot of the mall, anticipating the moment when the doors open?” He paused dramatically. “Yeah, I didn’t think so. My plan is to take a little trip. It’s actually a celebration trip because I’ve been made a detective.” He pulled the phone away from his mouth or covered the speaker, muffling his voice as he did a fairly good impression of a crowd going wild. He was such a nerd. I loved it. “So I’m heading to the Powderhorn resort near Grand Junction for the last week of November. The entire week, just me and the slopes. Being made detective was actually the main reason I moved. The guys in Cameron are pretty set in their ways, so advancement wasn’t going to be an option any time soon. So this feels like a pretty big deal.” His voice lowered. “Maybe I can make more of a difference this way. Wish me luck.”

  I squealed, feeling all girly and fluttery. Good thing there was no one around to witness my teen girl impression. How could he do that? How could one freaking phone message get under my skin and set it on fire and make me miss him and want him so bad that I was tempted to abandon my rules and find some way to be in the same place as him? How could he make me want to throw aside all of my precautions and risk everything? It wasn’t fair. It was dangerous. But it felt so good. I called him back and waited for the beep.

  “Hey, Jack. Um.” I gave an uneasy chuckle. “I’m not sure where to start. You really know how to drop a bomb on a girl.” I scrunched my face and kneaded my eye with the back of my hand. The man made me nervous from seven hundred miles away. Time to be brave. “So, here we go. This is my attempt to match your honesty. I fully support your goal of having a repeat of…” I couldn’t bring myself to say the word kiss. What was I? Thirteen? “Of what happened before I left. Because it was good, and…I’d like it to happen again.” I pressed my hand to my flaming cheek. “I don’t know how we could make it happen, but you never know. Maybe my dad will decide to move his business to Europe or something.” That would be the day. “So, plans. You asked about Thanksgiving plans. No, I will not be doing black Friday. I don’t see the appeal. As for what I will be doing, that’s undecided. Though I imagine my friends down the hall will try to include me in their plans, so they’ll probably cart me off somewhere festive and shove cranberry sauce and stuffing at me. They’re a lot of fun, so if I do go with them, I’m sure it will be great.” I thought over what else he had mentioned. “Oh, and have fun skiing. That sounds awesome. Congrats on becoming a detective. I’m proud of you, and I hope you got a trophy
or something, cause you deserve it. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were going for a promotion. Even so, I have all the faith in the world that you’ll do great with it. Don’t get lost in all that Colorado snow, Officer Trent. Bye.”

  I pulled the battery right away, checked Renee’s phone as quickly as I could, and then jumped back in my car.

  Something did need to change, but maybe doing something spontaneous and unexpected would be just as effective as sticking to my rules. As I jumped onto the highway to head back to Flagstaff, his after-Thanksgiving skiing plans kept knocking on the side of my head. What was the name of the resort? I couldn’t remember it, and on a whim I pulled off the freeway, stopped at a gas station, and reattached my battery so I could listen to his message again. Powderhorn. I wrote it down, disconnected the battery, and got back on the road.

  What I would do with that information, I hadn’t decided. It just felt important that I know. In case…I didn’t even want to think it out loud, because it was ridiculous and risky and possibly completely stupid of me. But his cloak-and-dagger get-together idea had lodged in my brain. I knew when and where he was going to be, and he’d said he would be by himself. Just him and the slopes.

  And possibly me?

  ***

  Concentrating in school was difficult. Even though I knew I shouldn’t, I couldn’t help but plan a trip to Colorado. Powderhorn resort was near Grand Junction. Jack’s drive would be less than four hours, but mine would be a solid eight.

  Too bad flying wasn’t an option for me. Regardless of how good Milo’s IDs were, I wasn’t willing to risk being caught on airport surveillance and recognized. Besides, I was used to driving. It would be nice to drive hours on end for a reason other than fleeing my father.

  I lost count of the number of times I changed my mind. One day the trip was on, the next it was off. Whether or not I actually went would likely be determined the Saturday after Thanksgiving, when I planned to leave. If I left.

  Nina and Charlie invited me to spend Thanksgiving with them at their grandparents’ house down in Sedona. Their parents, brother, and an aunt and uncle would be in attendance as well. I happily tagged along, bringing pies and taking the chance to soak up the warmth. During the drive down, I had pretty well determined that I absolutely should not go to Colorado, but as I spent time with my friends’ family, watching them interact, seeing how comfortable they were, how loved…

  There was joy there. So much joy among that family that it hurt at the same time as it made me smile. I was genuinely happy for them, and incredibly jealous. I wanted to see Jack. Maybe it was the only time it would happen. Maybe it would be a quick hello before a permanent goodbye, but I wanted so much to be around someone who might—maybe—love me, and this might be my only chance.

  We stayed through Friday evening, and then the girls and I departed Sedona amid a flurry of kisses and hugs, a cooler full of leftovers foisted on us, and an invitation to come back for Christmas.

  I napped on the way home, thanked Nina and Charlie for a great couple of days when we got back, and then went into my apartment to pack. I was going to Powderhorn resort in Colorado.

  ***

  DECEMBER

  “Confession,” Jack’s voice said over the line as I stood outside my car in the abandoned parking lot of a high school. “I’m pathetic. Just thought I’d admit that out loud. I kept looking for you. At the resort—the ski resort—the one I told you about. I thought maybe you’d be there, which is crazy and self-centered and I’m not saying it to make you feel bad. I hope that’s not…that’s not how I mean it. I just…I wanted to tell you because with how little we get to talk, I need you to know how much I look forward to it—how much I look forward to any chance I have to talk with you—and so I thought maybe there was a chance that you’d be there too. Even though I have no idea where you are. You could be in Florida for all I know.” I could hear his frustration. “And I knew I was being crazy and unrealistic, but that didn’t keep me from looking for you, in the lodge, on the slopes—do you know how hard it is to recognize people in snow gear? I don’t even know what color your hair is.” He laughed in a way that made me sad. “Anyway, moving on to other topics. I hope you had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was nice, though my mom is still accusing me of keeping secrets from her. And I am, but still, you’d think she’d trust her little boy more than that.” His voice was lighter, but still lacked his usual humor. “I’m still working on a way to kiss you again. If I have to bust down your dad’s door myself, I’ll do it, because this updated version of snail mail that we’re doing is not cutting it for me. Stay safe, Angel.”

  I leaned back against the car door, my heart hurting. The disappointment in his voice, in his words…it was hard to believe. I’d never had someone who wanted to be a part of my life in that way. I called him back.

  “You’re not pathetic. At all.” I paced outside my car, unable to sit still. “In fact, I was going to come to the resort. I was going to go look for you. Crazy, right? I packed up my car and I was headed in that direction, and then my car slid.” I shut my eyes, remembering how I’d sat there in shock as memories of being stranded on that Missouri highway had pummeled me. The cold, the fear, the endless walking. “I hadn’t even left town and when I turned a corner, my car did a one-eighty and landed in the gutter facing the wrong way. And I freaked out. I was about to go driving in Colorado in late November, and I realized how stupid that was. I couldn’t. I wanted to so badly, Jack. I did, but I couldn’t.” I kicked a pebble along the asphalt. “Honestly, I’m impressed you’ve stuck it out this long, cause this is like slow torture for me, but at least I understand why I’m doing it.” I gestured toward myself even though there was no one around to see it. “You, on the other hand. You have a life and a family. You’re a cop!” The voice echoed in the still air around me, and I made a decision. “You are a cop, and maybe I should start taking advantage of that.” My mind spun for a few seconds, thinking of all the things I knew, of how much I wanted my father to be taken down. “Jack, there is a man in the CIA whose name in Joseph Hilmida. He works for my father. I don’t know what position he holds, but I saw him at a press conference years ago and recognized him from the many times he had visited my house.” I took a deep breath, a little shocked that I had let myself trust him with this. “Maybe you can use that. Maybe you have the connections, I don’t know. I’m just so tired of my father ruining lives, and I’m not just talking about mine. He has ruined so many lives.” I opened my door and climbed in. “Maybe there’s other stuff I know. I’ll have to think about it. Mostly I just know fake names, but if I think of anything that’s real, I’ll let you know. Maybe we can do something. Wouldn’t that be crazy?” I started the car. “Good luck, Jack.”

  17

  JANUARY

  I was grateful to escape Flagstaff in January. There hadn’t been fresh snowfall in about a week, and the roads were lined in gross gray slush. They didn’t use salt, instead using cinders to get traction on the roads. Good for preventing rust, but not so good for keeping things pretty. So at the moment, my beautiful town was really cold and fairly ugly.

  By the time I got forty-five minutes south, I was able to peel out of my winter clothes. When I got to Phoenix, I happily got out of the car to enjoy the mild weather. The Valley of the Sun in the middle of winter had its perks.

  No messages from Renee on that phone.

  Two from Jack. My heart jumped, hoping that was a good thing.

  “Angel, you beautiful, beautiful, beautiful human being.” Now that was a proper greeting. “That name you gave me, Joseph Hilmida. That’s good intel.” He sounded hyped up on something. “That’s very good intel, and it’s useful, and it’s going to keep being useful, and I would love to tell you how, but I can’t.” I could practically hear him biting his tongue. “Anyway, I’m hoping you might have been able to remember a couple other names. Even if they aren’t big names. Did you know his lawyers? Did he have local cops on the take? Let me know. T
his is a good thing, Lei—Angel.” He went silent for a moment. “Sorry about that. I have to go, but I’m hoping to have some good news in a few days. Be safe, okay? I know I say that all the time, but it’s still the most important thing. Bye.”

  I tapped to listen to the second message.

  “I forgot to tell you how much your last message meant to me. Seriously, the fact that you trusted me enough to confide in me is a huge deal. It almost makes up for the fact that you weren’t able to magically appear in Colorado. Which, by the way, I think you made the right call. I hate to think what kind of trouble you might have ended up in if you’d tried to come. And we’re going to figure it out. I really believe that. Merry Christmas.”

  The message ended, so I pushed the call back button and waited for the beep.

  “I hope you had a good Christmas. Mine was…” I tried to think of how to honestly describe it. “It was fun and sad and…” I sighed. “Beautiful and depressing.” I let out a sad laugh. “I think that’s how holidays will always be for me. Especially if I keep hanging out with Nina and Charlie. Which is short for Charlotte, by the way. They have family. A lot of it. And they’ve taken me in and it’s hard for me to…accept it? Believe they want me around? I don’t know what it is. Anyway. I’m really glad the name was helpful. And don’t worry, I’m still just as paranoid as ever. I’ve been trying to think of more I could tell you, but the only thing that might be something is a cop from New York City. His name is Silas. My dad calls him his ‘recovery specialist.’ And I’m fairly certain I’m one of the things he’s been trying to recover.” I wrapped my free arm around me, uncomfortable with the thought of Silas hunting me down. “Lucky me, right?” I cleared my throat and shook off my discomfort. “That’s all I can think of for now. Hope it helps. Bye, Jack.”