My Very UnFairy Tale Life

by Anna Staniszewski

  “I can’t do much,” she said with a modest shrug. “Just a little spell here and there. Before this, I just worked at a salon.”

  “A salon?” I repeated. “You mean like a place where animals get their fur curled?”

  “Of course not!” said Ribba. “Curls are so out of style right now. These days everyone wants their fur crimped for that carefree llama look.”

  Wow. This place just kept getting weirder. “And the League has actually been trying to stand up to this Klarr guy?” I asked.

  Crong nodded. “As much as we can. Of course, none of us are adventurers like you.”

  “But you’re magical!” I said. “I can’t even make a coin disappear. You all just need to work together.” The frogs stared at me. Clearly, in their eyes, an adventurer was a hero, no matter what skills she did or didn’t have. “There’s no I in team!” I tried again. The minute the words were out of my mouth, I groaned. Maybe the Committee had implanted some kind of chip in my brain that made corny sayings pop into my head.

  “Actually, we spell things a little differently here,” said Crong. “In our kingdom team does have an i. And a silent x.”

  I shook my head. “Never mind.”

  Still, I had to admit I was impressed that the creatures had managed to organize themselves into a league at all. In most worlds I’d visited, the inhabitants just used their magic for simple things like boiling water. None of them ever thought to band together and try to take control of their own kingdoms. Instead, they begged for help from the Committee, who then sent Anthony barging into my room practically every day.

  “So why does this Klarr guy hate mouths so much?” I asked.

  “Everyone thinks it’s because the sorcerer was born without a mouth, so the sight of them makes him totally crazy,” said Ribba.

  “Does that mean no one in Klarr’s kingdom has a mouth either?”

  “He has allowed some of his servants to keep theirs,” Crong said. “It is how he ensures their loyalty. But the rest have been affected just as the creatures of Speak have.”

  That meant Klarr was the worst kind of bad guy: he’d do anything to anyone, even harming those who were loyal to him. This mission was starting to sound harder and harder.

  “Does Klarr control all of Speak?” I asked.

  “Yes,” said Crong. “His soldiers defeated Queen Ewe’s army years ago. But the sorcerer remains in the kingdom of Klarr.” He pointed to the stone wall I’d spotted earlier. It stretched all the way across the horizon, dividing Klarr’s kingdom from the kingdom of Speak. When I squinted, I could just make out some towers beyond it. They had to be really tall to be visible from so far away.

  “Klarr named his own kingdom after himself?” I shook my head in disgust. Why did all bad guys have to be so self-centered? If I had a kingdom, I wouldn’t go and name it Jennyland. “You said other adventurers have been sent to find the prince. What happened to them?”

  Crong lowered his eyes. “Four of them were sent.”

  “They all disappeared,” Ribba added in an ominous tone.

  Hearing that didn’t exactly make me feel brave. But there was no point in standing around and psyching myself out. Princes didn’t rescue themselves, did they?

  “Well, I guess we should get going,” I said, aiming my feet at the faraway castle in the kingdom of Klarr. After a moment I realized the frogs weren’t following me. “What?”

  “Are you suggesting that we walk, Mistress?” asked Crong.

  “Yeah, why not?”

  “I guess we could do that,” said Ribba, as if it was the last thing on earth—or wherever we were—that she would want to do.

  “Okay, then what do you suggest?” I asked, trying not to sound annoyed. They had come to me for help, after all. Didn’t that mean I was in charge?

  “We could use our magic to transport us there, Mistress,” offered Crong. “Then our journey would be quite swift.”

  “Oh.” Once again I was impressed that these creatures actually knew how to use their magical abilities for something useful. That just proved my point that the kingdom of Speak didn’t need my help. They had enough magic to fix their own problems.

  The frogs got into position on my shoulders. Pop!

  This time the journey was much faster. Within seconds, we were a few feet away from a castle so big that I couldn’t believe it was real. Even the ivy climbing up the stone walls was prehistorically gigantic. The exterior wall curved away from us in both directions, so the castle seemed to be shaped like a circle. In front of the hulking main door were four huge statues of dancing circus bears.

  “This place is enormous!” I said. Then I saw something fly out from behind one of the giant castle towers. “Get down!” I barely had time to scream before we were attacked by the biggest, scariest monster I’d ever seen.

  Chapter 5

  My hair whipped around my head as the monster flew past. With its shimmering wings and silvery, round body, it looked like a cross between a dragonfly and a submarine.

  “Halga, you bewitching ogre!” I heard Crong cry from somewhere nearby.

  “What are you doing?” I whispered, realizing both frogs were standing in plain sight. “Get down!”

  “No need to fear, Mistress,” said Crong. “Halga is an old friend.”

  The ground shook under us. I looked up to see the beast landing nearby on two elephant-like rear legs. Her head reminded me of a silver ant’s, but the center of her back was lined with what looked like dinosaur spikes. As I stared up at her narrow face, I could swear the monster was wearing glittery eye shadow around her buggy eyes.

  “Crong, is that you?” the beast asked in a booming voice.

  “It is indeed!” said Crong. “Is guarding castles how you’re keeping busy these days?”

  Halga shrugged her giant, silver shoulders, her wings fluttering behind her. “Not many job openings for washed-up actresses,” she said.

  I dared to raise my head a little higher as Crong hopped to the beast and gave her giant toe a big hug. “Is it really safe?” I asked Ribba.

  Ribba flicked her tongue. “Halga’s pretty harmless, even though she could use some serious makeup tips. But Crong can’t control himself around her. He’s the one you need to keep an eye on.”

  I watched as Crong tried to tickle Halga’s enormous foot. The beast let out a giggle, sending out a gust of wind that made my head snap back. Then Crong waved his froggy legs around and—poof!—a sparkling rock appeared.

  “It’s beautiful!” cried Halga, scooping the rock up with one of her front claws. Her nails were covered with sparkly polish. “And so shiny!”

  Ribba hopped onto my shoulder, her green lips pressed together. “They used to be a couple back in their theater days,” she said. “But after Crong joined the League, they were always on different sides of the kingdom. He still talks about her all the time.”

  I couldn’t stop staring at the couple. It was the weirdest pairing I’d ever seen. One misstep from Halga, and Crong would be crushed.

  Then an angry horn sounded nearby, snapping me back to reality. “Crong!” I called.

  The frog held up one of his tiny hands as if putting Halga on hold and then hopped to my side. “Yes, Mistress?”

  “Now that we’re at the castle, how do we get to the dungeon?” Besides the oversized wooden door, there didn’t seem to be another way in. I couldn’t even see any windows.

  “I was just discussing strategy with Halga,” he said. “She has no loyalty to Klarr, you may be sure. She will see to it that we get inside safely.”

  “Good. Then we’d better go now. I don’t know what that horn was, and I don’t want to find out.”

  “Halga has informed me there is an entrance nearby that will lead us straight to the dungeon.” He pointed in the direction of one of the
towers. Now that we were up close, I realized the towers’ roofs were covered in red-and-yellow-striped fabric. Klarr certainly had some interesting decorating ideas.

  “How many guards will there be in the dungeon?” I asked.

  “Most likely dozens,” said Crong, “but fear not. With our magic and your, er, adventurousness, we should have no troubles. Halga will guard the entrance from the outside so that we will not be followed.” He gazed lovingly at the beast.

  “All right. Let’s go.”

  We went around the castle, weaving our way through enormous bushes and trees until finally we came to the dungeon entrance. It was little more than a big hole in the wall with stairs leading down from it. Crong and Ribba hopped in first. Then it was my turn to go through the door.

  The stairs seemed to go on forever, and I had to look down the entire time to keep from stumbling on the uneven steps. By the time we finally saw a light below, my neck was aching from being bent at the same angle for so long.

  I gave the frogs a signal, and together we burst through the doorway at the bottom of the steps. We found ourselves facing three oversized guinea pigs dressed in shiny armor. I could just imagine how thrilled Aunt Evie would be to meet guinea pigs that stood on their hind legs and were nearly as tall as I was.

  The guards scrambled to clap small, flat plates of metal over their furry mouths and secure them in place with rubber bands. Since Klarr hated mouths, I figured the masks were part of the guards’ uniforms.

  “What are you doing in here?” asked one of the guards, his voice muffled by the metal plate.

  “Why do you have mouths?” asked another.

  “Have you come to hurt us?” asked the third as he cowered behind the first two.

  “To answer your questions,” said Crong, “we are here to rescue one of your prisoners. We have mouths because we were unaffected by the Silence. And if you do not let us pass, we will be forced to hurt you.”

  The guards looked terrified for a moment. Then they all let out high-pitched squeals and started trying to scamper away on all four legs. But since they were all running in different directions, they only managed to crash into each other. Then they began to apologize.

  “I didn’t see you there.”

  “No, it was my fault.”

  “Is my nose bleeding?”

  The first two guards crowded around the third and peered at his pink nose. They had completely forgotten about us.

  I could have watched this circus for hours, but I knew it was only a matter of time before more guards came. We couldn’t count on them all being clueless.

  “Crong,” I whispered, “can you conjure some rope and tie the guards up?”

  The frog seemed uncertain for a moment. Then his green face took on a determined look. He waved his tiny arms around until there was a soft poof! and a thick rope appeared in front of him. Carefully, Crong conducted the rope through the air so it flew toward the guinea pigs and circled around them. In a minute, all three were tied tightly together.

  “Hey!” one of the guards said, finally realizing what was happening.

  “You tricked us,” said another.

  “Why would you do that?” asked the third.

  “Sorry,” I said. “We’re on a mission.”

  We went down the stone corridor, leaving the guards’ pathetic squeals behind. As we went deeper into the dungeon, it got colder and gloomier. I couldn’t imagine the prince, or anyone else, having to live here. A few feet away from the first set of prison cells, I spotted a bunch of keys hanging on the wall.

  “Well, that’s lucky. Seems they’re not too big on security here,” I said. “Let’s split up.”

  “But how will you know what the prince looks like?” said Ribba.

  “He’s a mouthless lamb, right?” I said as I handed out the keys. “I think I’ll be okay.”

  Crong and Ribba headed down one hallway, the keys in their mouths. I ran down another corridor, unlocking door after door. Dozens of startled eyes stared back at me through the bars, most of them belonging to various mouthless animals.

  Finally, I came to the end of the hall, but there was no sign of the prince. I backtracked and headed down another hallway. At the end was a mouthless boy around my age. Not having a mouth looked even stranger on a human than it did on an animal.

  “It’s okay,” I told him. “We’re getting you out of here.”

  I was just about to unlock his cell door when a horn sounded from down the hall. I whirled around to see Ribba and Crong hopping toward me. A huge, hooded figure was on their heels.

  “Mistress, it’s Klarr!” said Crong. He turned and shot a beam of light out of his tiny hand, but the sorcerer waved his meaty arm and the beam hit the wall instead.

  “Let’s get out of here!” I cried as Crong raced to catch up with Ribba.

  The two frogs leaped into the air. I braced myself as they sailed onto my shoulders.

  The hooded figure was getting closer and closer. He was massive but surprisingly graceful for his size. The hood fell back, and I caught a glimpse of Klarr’s face. I couldn’t help it: I screamed.

  Until that moment, I’d had no clue that Klarr was a clown. But he wasn’t just a clown. He was the most terrifying clown I’d ever seen.

  His face was painted white; his eyes were outlined with every color of the rainbow; and his curly wig was blood red. Where his mouth should have been was a set of drawn-on lips. They were grinning.

  The floor shook under my feet as Klarr’s big red shoes clopped toward me. I couldn’t look away from his painted face as he drew closer and closer and closer.

  Pop!

  I waited to feel myself being pulled out of the world. But instead, the frogs disappeared. And I was left all alone to face Klarr.

  The sorcerer came to a stop in front of me and reached out his white-gloved hand. I tried to back up, but I couldn’t move. My entire body was frozen.

  Klarr twisted his fingers, and I gasped as I felt a horrible churning inside of me. My stomach was being wrung out like wet laundry.

  “What do you want?” I cried.

  Klarr’s painted smile only grew wider.

  “Let me go or I’ll—” I couldn’t think of a single threat. I couldn’t even think of something cheesy to say. All I could do was stare into the sorcerer’s laughing eyes.

  Klarr took one more step toward me. I shrieked in pain as he gave my insides another fierce twist.

  “Anthony!” I screamed. “Anthony, help me!”

  Pop!

  I could have cried with relief as Anthony appeared behind Klarr.

  “Hey, circus freak!” he called.

  Klarr whipped around and focused his attention on Anthony. The sorcerer was easily three times his size.

  “Why so glum?” said Anthony with one of his big belly laughs as the sorcerer charged toward him.

  I held my breath, afraid that Anthony didn’t stand a chance. But suddenly, Klarr froze and grabbed his head as if he was in pain.

  Anthony’s face lit up. “I know what you need!” He held up his hand and snapped his fingers. A flood of circus peanuts rained down from the ceiling, covering Klarr in a mound of orange.

  Anthony trotted over to me. The minute he touched my shoulder, the pain disappeared and I could move again.

  “Let’s go!” I said. The pile of circus peanuts wouldn’t hold Klarr for long.

  “Agreed, Jenny-girl.”

  I grabbed on to Anthony’s arm just as one of Klarr’s giant hands emerged from the circus peanuts. A beam of rainbow-colored light burst from his fingertips and fired straight at me.

  Pop!

  I was ripped out of one world, twisted around, and tossed into another. It took me a second to realize the cold, hard surface under me was my kitchen floor
.

  “Well, that wasn’t so hard,” said Anthony.

  “Speak for yourself,” I shot back. Or at least that’s what I would have said if I’d still had a mouth.

  Chapter 6

  “Oh my,” said Anthony as he helped me off the kitchen floor. “To be honest, Jenny-girl, that’s not a good look for you.”

  My fingers flew to my face, feeling the horrifyingly smooth spot where my mouth should have been. I grabbed a spoon off the kitchen table and held it up with a shaking hand. An upside-down, mouthless face stared back at me.

  I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t—I couldn’t make any sound at all! I turned back to Anthony and threw the spoon on the floor.

  “What’s the matter?” he said.

  I couldn’t believe it. Was he not seeing what I was seeing? I pointed at my mouth, or lack thereof.

  Anthony studied me, his orange eyebrows crinkling. “Do you mean your mouth?” he said finally.

  I jumped up and down, as if we were playing the worst game of charades ever.

  “Didn’t I warn you that might happen?” he said as a box of chocolate-covered raisins appeared in his hands.

  I shook my head. I would have remembered a conversation about the possibility of my mouth disappearing.

  “Huh,” said Anthony, popping some candy in his mouth. “I could have sworn I went over the risks with you before we left for your adventure.”

  My patience had run out. I stomped over to Anthony and snatched the box of raisins out of his hand. Then I tossed it across the room, where it hit the wall and landed on the floor.

  “Hey!” said Anthony. “I was eating those.”

  The hurt look on his face just made me angrier. Did he really not care that my mouth was gone? Was candy all he ever thought about?

  I grabbed my aunt’s clipboard from the kitchen table and started scrawling furiously. “Fix this!” I wrote.

  “I would if I could, Jenny-girl,” said Anthony. “But that would take magic that’s way beyond me.”