My Very UnFairy Tale Life

by Anna Staniszewski

  “What am I supposed to do?” I wrote.

  Before Anthony could answer, Aunt Evie appeared in the doorway. She gasped at the sight of a gnome standing in the middle of her kitchen. Then she gasped again when she saw me.

  “Oh my.” Aunt Evie blinked a few times, her face growing pale. “Would anyone like some tea?” she asked. Then she wandered over to the stove and picked up the teapot, whistling to herself as if we weren’t even there.

  I turned to Anthony and pointed at the clipboard again.

  “We don’t have time to think about your mouth right now,” said Anthony. “You need to go back and complete your mission.”

  I couldn’t believe it. He had to be joking.

  “Don’t look at me like that,” said Anthony. “Your job was to rescue the prince, and you didn’t deliver. The Committee will be far from thrilled.”

  I didn’t care what the Committee thought. “I’m not going anywhere until I get my mouth back!” I scrawled on the clipboard.

  Anthony threw up his pudgy hands. “Why do you have to make everything so difficult? None of my other adventurers ever gave me so much trouble.”

  I held up the clipboard and pointed to the words I’d written before. “Fix this!” The words swam together as my eyes started filling with stupid tears. I wasn’t a crier. I’d never been a crier. But even I had my limits.

  “How many times do I have to say it, Jenny-girl? There’s nothing I can do!”

  The annoyed tone in Anthony’s voice only made things worse. I didn’t think I could hold my tears in a minute longer. The last thing I wanted was for Anthony to tell me I was being a baby.

  It was a low blow, I knew, but there was one sure-fire way to get rid of a gnome. I gripped the pen again and wrote in big, angry letters: “Leave me alone, you big, fat ELF!”

  Anthony sucked in his breath as he read the words. Then his normally pink cheeks flushed blood red and his nose turned purple. “How dare you?”

  I turned my face away as a pesky tear rolled down my cheek. I just wanted to be left alone.

  “Fine,” Anthony spat. “That’s what I get for rescuing you.” With an ear-splitting POP! he was gone.

  A moment later, Aunt Evie came up to me with a steaming cup of hot water. She took another look at my mouthless face and went pale all over again. “Oh my,” she said. “I forgot to put in a tea bag.” She turned and hurried into the pantry.

  I had to get it together. Crying was not only pointless but also really hard without a mouth. The stuffier my nose got, the tougher it was to breathe. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. There had to be some way to fix this.

  Aunt Evie emerged from the pantry, her mug now loaded with a dozen tea bags. She sat down at the kitchen table, still looking shaken.

  At that moment the doorbell rang. I was perfectly happy to ignore whoever was at the door until I heard Dr. Bradley call out: “Jenny, are you there?”

  The familiar sound of his voice made me feel a little better. He was a doctor, after all. Maybe he could do something to help.

  I opened the door a crack, expecting Dr. Bradley to be grinning back at me as usual. But his face was more serious than I’d ever seen it.

  “Oh dear,” he said. “I was afraid something like this might happen. I think it’s best if you come with me.”

  Chapter 7

  When I was safely inside Dr. Bradley’s house, he led me up the stairs and down a hallway I’d never been in before. He opened a large wooden door, revealing an enormous library. Unlike the rest of the doctor’s house, the library was clean and organized and totally junk-free.

  If I’d still had a mouth, I would’ve gasped at the glowing object in the center of the room.

  It was an enormous screen with my face plastered right in the middle of it. I watched myself blinking back at myself. It was disorienting. Around the main picture of my face were a few other images: Aunt Evie sipping her tea; Ribba and Crong hopping through a swamp; and Anthony stuffing his face with jelly beans.

  The screen wasn’t a TV or a monitor. It looked like a thin sheet of water with a reflection on it, almost like a vertical puddle. It hung in midair without wires or hooks or any other logical explanation. If I hadn’t spent the past three years around magic, I would have tried to explain the hanging puddle some other way. But I knew magic when I saw it, and clearly Dr. Bradley was the one using it.

  What was going on?

  “Do not be alarmed, Jenny,” said Dr. Bradley. “I know this comes as somewhat of a shock, and I probably should have told you sooner.”

  He adjusted his bow tie and motioned for me to sit. I made my way over to an antique couch, barely able to feel my legs under me. Dr. Bradley hobbled to a facing armchair and sat down, leaning his cane beside him. A wooden owl was perched on the shelf above the doctor’s head, its hollow eyes staring at me like it had never seen a mouthless girl before.

  “You see, Jenny, you have done a wonderful job with all of the adventures you were sent on, so there was no need for me to reveal my true identity to you. But now that you have been affected by the Silence spell, it’s time you learned the truth. My name really is Dr. Bradley, although I am a doctor of magic, not of medicine. I was an adventurer for many years before I retired and turned to the study of magic.”

  No way. The doctor had once been an adventurer? I’d wondered what other adventurers might be like and had hoped to meet some my own age one day. But I’d always imagined they’d be more like Indiana Jones than like Dr. Bradley.

  “I was hired by the Committee to ensure your safety. You are very important to them.” Dr. Bradley adjusted his glasses. “And you are very important to me, Jenny. So I ask that you please not be angry with me for not telling you this sooner.”

  I didn’t know what to think. Dr. Bradley had always been the nice old man down the street who never ran out of butterscotch pudding. But now that I thought about it, there were other odd things about Dr. Bradley besides his obsession with collecting junk. He almost never left his property, and he’d once admitted that I was his only visitor. None of the neighbors believed me when I told them someone lived in the doctor’s big old house.

  I sighed through my nose. I’d always liked and trusted Dr. Bradley. The fact that he was magical shouldn’t change that. He’d always helped me, and he seemed to want to help me now. I wished I could tell the doctor all this, but I had to make do with a few blinks and a nod.

  “I am glad you understand,” said Dr. Bradley. “Now, I am sure you are eager to get your features back to normal.”

  I nodded again. That was a serious understatement.

  “All right.” Dr. Bradley stood and limped over to one of the towering bookshelves. I eyed the books in awe. They looked ancient and mysterious, with titles in languages I didn’t recognize. Some of the books had a strange glow around them. Dr. Bradley scanned a few of the books and then pulled one of the glowing ones off the shelf.

  “Here we are,” he said. “You may want to close your eyes for a moment. It can be a bit bright at first.”

  I shook my head and kept my eyes open. Whatever was going to happen, I wanted to see it.

  Dr. Bradley cracked open the book. It flew out of his hands and landed on the floor. A blinding beam shot out of it, forming a column of colorful light. I squinted until the light dimmed and the colors started to turn into a hologram. It showed an ornate, carved door.

  “You see, Jenny,” said Dr. Bradley, “some books can transport you to other worlds.”

  I wished I could groan out loud, but I had to be satisfied with doing it internally. Books as doorways to other worlds? That was one of the cheesiest clichés I’d heard in my adventures. Was the Committee really just a bunch of teachers in disguise? The thought made me cringe.

  “The door you see leads into the Committee’s waiting room,” sai
d Dr. Bradley.

  I sat up. Was I finally going to meet the mysterious Committee?

  “Ordinarily the Committee stays hidden,” the doctor continued. “But when I saw what had happened, I sent a request on your behalf and asked the Committee members to help restore your mouth. They are the only ones with strong enough magic to do so.”

  I blinked my thanks. Then I pointed at the doctor, but he shook his head.

  “I am afraid I cannot go with you,” he said. “Only the person with a request for the Committee can go through the portal. Once you enter the waiting room, you will be in a magically protected area, and I will no longer be able to see you on my screen.” Dr. Bradley reached into his pocket and took out a cell phone the size of a house cat.

  “Here, take my phone with you. But make sure to turn off the ringer. The Committee has very particular rules about that sort of thing. To this day, they haven’t forgiven me for the time an alarm went off on my wristwatch. I’ve had to send a messenger to fetch my paychecks for the past ten years.”

  I shook my head to try to object. How was I supposed to use a phone when I had no mouth?

  “You won’t need to call anyone,” said Dr. Bradley, as if reading my mind. “After you have spoken with the Committee, the phone will allow me to locate you and bring you home.”

  I took the phone from Dr. Bradley—it weighed more than an extra large jar of peanut butter—and studied the different buttons until I found one that looked like the volume control. When I’d turned off the sound, I managed to jam the clunky phone in my pocket.

  “I suppose that’s all,” said the doctor. “Once you return, we can sit down and have a nice bowl of pudding.”

  I realized, suddenly, that it had been hours since I’d eaten. I didn’t feel hungry yet, but how long could I go mouthless before I starved to death? I turned to Dr. Bradley and made a few spooning-something-into-my-mouth gestures (or, at least, into where my mouth should have been).

  “As long as you are under the Silence spell, the magic will keep you from having to eat,” said Dr. Bradley. “But once your mouth returns, you will have a healthy appetite. I’ll make sure to have some nice prunes waiting for you.”

  I tried not to crinkle my nose in disgust.

  “Then we can figure out a way to get rid of that foul Klarr,” Dr. Bradley added.

  My disgust was replaced with clawing panic. I had faced a lot of scary bad guys in my adventures, like the Yelling Yeti and the Three-Headed Caterpillar. But none had been as frightening as Klarr; none had made me feel so helpless.

  I shook my head until my ears were about to fall off.

  Dr. Bradley studied me for a moment. “Do you mean that you won’t help defeat Klarr?”

  I nodded.

  “But the Committee is convinced you are the one for the task, and I must agree. You, my dear, are the most skilled adventurer we have seen in years. Only the most promising begin as young as you did. We chose you because you have great natural talent. That is why you will succeed where the others have failed.”

  I rolled my eyes. Clearly, I wasn’t as good as everyone said if Klarr could take my mouth away with a wave of his finger. Besides, why would I want to go running back to face him when he’d made four other adventurers vanish into thin air? The memory of Klarr’s laughing eyes flashed through my mind. The sorcerer had already paralyzed and silenced me; what other terrible things would he do if I had to face him a second time?

  “You know you can’t simply abandon an adventure,” said Dr. Bradley. “The rules say you must see it through until the end.”

  I didn’t care about the rules. I was never going anywhere near Klarr again.

  “Look at what that sorcerer has done to you and to thousands of other innocent souls! Will you really let that continue?”

  I looked away. Maybe it was selfish, but for once I didn’t want to be the one solving problems. Let someone else defeat Klarr. The League seemed capable of handling the situation on its own.

  Dr. Bradley’s usually bright eyes looked worried. “I had hoped I could count on you for this, Jenny. But it is your decision and I will respect it.” He cleared his throat. “Good luck,” he said as he escorted me to the portal.

  I tried to take a deep breath through my still-stuffy nose. Then I gave Dr. Bradley a parting nod and walked toward the doorway that led into another world.

  Chapter 8

  When I opened the heavy door, the first thing I noticed was silence. It was the quietest place I’d ever been. Nothing moved, not even the air.

  I was in a large waiting room with blindingly white walls and hard metal chairs. Everything smelled crisp and clean, like it had just been scrubbed with soap. I shuffled over to one of the chairs and sat down. On the opposite side of the room was another door, identical to the one I’d just come through. I was tempted to go peek to see where it led, but I didn’t want to get caught up in any more trouble. Instead, I tried not to think about my mouth being gone, which meant that was all I could think about.

  After a long time of sitting in absolute silence, I jumped as the second door opened with a drawn-out creak. I expected to see someone standing on the other side, but no one was there. I hesitated for a moment and then went toward it. The moment I stepped through, the door shut behind me.

  I was in an enormous hallway made entirely of white tile. It went on and on, almost like an optical illusion. I could just make out a teeny, tiny something at the end. My footsteps echoed on top of each other as I walked and walked and walked.

  Finally, I spotted a long table at the very end of the hall. At it sat four figures, all with the same gray hair, the same round faces, and the same beige sweaters. When I could almost see their faces, a loud voice called out, “Halt, please.”

  I stopped and stood like a statue.

  “Now please walk toward the red circle.”

  I scanned the floor until I spotted a painted red circle off to the right. I went over and stood in it.

  “Exactly in the center, please,” the voice said.

  Um, okay. I moved over until I was smack-dab in the middle of the circle.

  “Now count to ten and proceed to the yellow circle.”

  I tried to open my mouth to count, but of course that wouldn’t work. I settled for counting in my head. Then I went toward the yellow circle, off to the left, and stood perfectly in the center.

  “Now count to ten and proceed to the green circle.”

  Seriously? What was the point of all of this? Then I remembered what Dr. Bradley had said about the Committee having very particular rules. I didn’t want to make the Committee members mad before I got my mouth back.

  When I was standing in the exact center of the green circle, I studied the four figures seated in front of me. I’d been right in thinking they looked alike. In fact, it was as if someone had taken a plump, middle-aged woman with blue-gray hair and made three exact copies of her.

  “Welcome, Jennifer.” I couldn’t tell if only one of the women had spoken or if all four had. They all moved their mouths at the exact same time, but it only sounded like the voice of one person.

  I wanted to explain to them that no one called me by my full name. But, of course, I couldn’t say much of anything.

  “We are the Committee,” the women said. “Dr. Bradley sent you to us to reverse the effects of the Silence.”

  I nodded.

  “We are the only ones with the kind of magic required to undo the effects.”

  Apparently, the Committee liked to state the obvious.

  “Unfortunately, we cannot do so at this time.”

  Wait, what?

  “The paperwork has yet to go through.” The women all shook their heads in unison. “Once the appropriate papers have been stamped and signed, we will be able to reverse the spell.” The women reached ou
t and simultaneously rang four bells. “Next, please!” they called. Then they looked at me like they expected me to move along.

  No way. I crossed my arms in front of my chest. I’d come to get my mouth back, and I wasn’t going anywhere until that happened.

  The Committee looked at me, clearly confused. “We are finished here now.”

  I shook my head and stood my ground.

  “There is nothing we can do to help you. You must have the proper paperwork. There is no paperwork. Without paperwork, we cannot do anything.”

  Rage bubbled up inside me like melted cheese. After all the missions I’d been sent on, after all the cuts and bruises, the Committee was refusing to help me because something wasn’t stamped?

  I was about to lose it when a horrible, ear-piercing noise rang out. It sounded like a pack of wolves singing a love song. The Committee members gave me scalding glares while I tried to figure out where the howling was coming from. Then I realized it was the cell phone Dr. Bradley had given me. Oops. Apparently, I hadn’t turned the sound off after all.

  I tugged at the hulking phone, but it was much harder to get out of my pocket than in. I pulled and pulled until finally it flew out and landed on the floor. The caller ID flashed “Mum” for a second before the phone went silent.

  “Unacceptable!” the Committee shouted. “Unacceptable!”

  Before I could do anything, invisible hands pulled me into the air and dragged me back the way I’d come. No, I couldn’t go yet. Not until I had my mouth back! I struggled to get free, but whatever was holding me was incredibly strong.

  I was pulled back through the door and dumped onto the floor of the waiting room. Then everything was still. I jumped to my feet and tried to open the door, but it wouldn’t budge. I banged and pounded with my fists, but there was no answer.

  Exhausted, I sunk down into one of the chairs. I had officially won the Worst Day of the Year award.

  A moment later, I heard the door open on the opposite side of the room. I perked up, thinking Dr. Bradley had come for me. But it wasn’t the doctor.