My Very UnFairy Tale Life

by Anna Staniszewski

  I would just have to find some other way to fit in, I decided. Would it be wrong to crack open my treasure chests and pay kids in gold pieces to be friends with me?

  As the bus sputtered through my neighborhood, my glazed-over eyes suddenly widened in disbelief. I leaned forward and stared out the window.

  Dr. Bradley’s house, always dark and gloomy, suddenly looked bright and cheerful. The trash piles were gone, and someone had painted the door and shutters lollipop pink. A gardener was ripping out tangled weeds and replacing them with tulips.

  The moment the bus came to a stop, I raced down the street.

  “What are you doing?” I yelled at the startled gardener.

  “Just got hired to clean this place up a bit,” he said. “Before the new people move in next week.”

  “What people?” The feeling developing in my stomach was almost as sickening as the new door color.

  “I don’t know,” the man answered with a friendly smile. “But I hear they have kids. Maybe you’ll have some new friends in the neighborhood.”

  My knees went wobbly.

  “You okay?” the gardener asked.

  “No,” I said. Then I turned and fled back down the street.

  What had I expected? That Dr. Bradley would keep secretly living in the house and watching over me?

  I stopped in mid-step. That’s exactly what I’d thought. As much as I wanted to pretend I was happy with Dr. Bradley out of my life, a part of me hadn’t believed he was really gone. But now there was no denying it. Some happy, bubbly family would be coming to take over his house, and I would have to watch them all pile into their minivan, decked out in “I heart mini-golf” T-shirts.

  The thought made my feet start up again. I went faster and faster until I was almost running. I unlocked the front door of Aunt Evie’s house and threw it open, ready to bolt up the stairs and fling myself onto my bed.

  But Aunt Evie was standing in the hallway, an iguana cradled in her arms. “Jenny,” she said in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

  I slammed the door shut behind me. “I live here, remember?”

  “Well, of course, you live here,” said Aunt Evie. “Where’s Prince?”

  “Off with his friends.”

  “Oh good.” She smiled. “He’s a sweet boy. He deserves nice friends.”

  “And I don’t?” The words were like venom coming out of my mouth.

  “What do you mean?” asked Aunt Evie. “You have friends. What about those girls who came by last week?”

  “They’re not my friends anymore, thanks to you. If you hadn’t told them the truth about my parents, they wouldn’t hate me right now.”

  Aunt Evie blinked. “What was I supposed to tell them?”

  “I don’t know! But you ruined everything!”

  “I’m sorry…I had no idea.”

  “Of course you didn’t, because you don’t know anything about me. You care more about Prince than you do about me!”

  Aunt Evie’s mouth fell open. “That’s not true.”

  “Don’t even try to deny it!” I said. “You wish I was more like him but I’m not, and there’s nothing I can do about it.” I pushed past Aunt Evie and darted up the stairs. I slammed my bedroom door shut and threw myself on the bed. Before I knew it, I was sobbing uncontrollably for the first time in years. The last time had been on the day Aunt Evie had come to get me from school and tell me that my parents were missing. I felt just as alone as I had that day…and just as hopeless.

  •••

  That evening, as I lay spread out on my bed tossing my pink mini-golf ball up in the air, there was a gentle knock on the door. I’d been locked up in my room ever since the fight with Aunt Evie. I wasn’t mad anymore, just tired and sad and hungry.

  “Jenny?” Prince Lamb’s voice came through the door. “Can I come in?”

  As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t hide forever. “Okay.”

  The door creaked open, and the prince popped his head in. He took a few hesitant steps into my room, like he was afraid I’d claw his face off.

  “It’s all right,” I said, putting the mini-golf ball on my nightstand. “Sit down.”

  Prince Lamb perched on the edge of my bed and gave me a sympathetic smile. “Are you all right?” he asked.

  “I guess. Aunt Evie probably told you what I said to her.”

  “She didn’t go into details, but she seemed rather upset.”

  I wouldn’t have been surprised if my aunt hated me for what I’d said. Yes, Aunt Evie could be distracted, but she did the best she could. It wasn’t fair for me to yell at her like that.

  “What happened?” asked Prince Lamb.

  “I don’t know. I guess I was just fed up with everything.”

  “Like what?”

  I thought for a minute, trying to find a way to explain. “Well, when I first became an adventurer, I thought my life would be great. But then things didn’t turn out the way I wanted. So I thought becoming an average girl was the solution. But that didn’t work out either. I’m just not good at being anything, I guess.”

  “That’s not true,” said Prince Lamb. “You’re good at everything.”

  “Um, hardly.” My only talent these days seemed to be messing things up.

  “Jenny, you’re one of the bravest creatures I know. And you’re good at solving problems.”

  “Maybe other people’s, but not my own.”

  “What sorts of problems?” said the prince.

  I pulled my knees up to my chest. “Like the fact that no one likes me,” I said. “Don’t even try to deny it. I’ve lived in the same house as Aunt Evie for years, and I think she’s talked to you more in the past few days than she’s ever talked to me.”

  “If that’s true, it’s not because she likes me better,” said Prince Lamb, shaking his head.

  “Yes, it is. You’re just likeable.”

  Prince Lamb laughed. “Trust me, it’s all an act. If you wanted to, you could do it too.”

  “How?”

  “Well, your aunt’s not comfortable around people. I could see that when I first met her. But she loves animals, so I asked her about them.”

  “I don’t know anything about animals,” I said.

  “And your aunt doesn’t know anything about being an adventurer or being a twelve-year-old girl. But that doesn’t mean you can never speak to each other. You just have to meet somewhere in the middle. Ask her questions. Take some time to familiarize yourself with her interests.”

  “You sound like an advice column.”

  Prince Lamb laughed again and pushed up his shirt sleeves. “Ribba did have me read a few of those as part of my makeover. But this isn’t something I learned from a magazine. It’s what I’ve had to do my entire life as a prince.”

  Could he possibly be right? For years I’d been afraid that the real reason Aunt Evie didn’t know how to talk to me was because she didn’t like me. What if she saw me as a burden her brother had dumped on her? But maybe Aunt Evie just had no idea how to relate to a girl like me.

  “I guess I could try to take an interest in her patients a little more,” I said. “As long as they don’t try to pee on me.”

  “I think that sounds reasonable,” said Prince Lamb, getting to his feet. “Your aunt had some work to finish up tonight, but she left dinner out for you in case you’re hungry.”

  I stood up, surprised at my sudden urge to hug him. I guess we really were friends. “Thanks,” I said. “For everything.”

  “That’s what friends are for,” said Prince Lamb with a cheesy smile.

  “Hey, I’m the one who’s supposed to say stuff like that!” I said, jokingly elbowing his side.

  “Hmm,” said Prince Lamb, pretending to think it over. “Maybe
I should become an adventurer.”

  I couldn’t help laughing as I followed Prince Lamb down the stairs. “Don’t let Anthony hear you say that. He’ll come whisk you away!”

  I tried to laugh again, but thinking about Anthony made something stab at my chest. Missing him and Dr. Bradley was pointless. Yes, they’d been big parts of my life for years, but all that was over now. It was time to finally move on.

  Chapter 17

  The next morning, I found my aunt sitting at the kitchen table and stirring a plate-sized cup of tea.

  “Good morning,” I said softly.

  “Hello, dear,” said Aunt Evie, peering down into her teacup. I knew she didn’t want to look me in the eyes for fear that I’d start another fight. That was what animals did to avoid conflict.

  “Where’s Prince?” I asked.

  “He left early, said he had some things to do. He didn’t even want breakfast, but I gave him a few dog biscuits to take with him.”

  “Oh good.” I sat down at the table. Apologies weren’t really my thing, but this one needed to be done. “Aunt Evie, I’m really sorry about what I said yesterday. I didn’t mean it.”

  “It’s all right,” she said, stirring her tea again. “I know things haven’t been easy for you.”

  “But that’s not an excuse for me to take it out on you.”

  Aunt Evie let out a long sigh and looked up at me. “Don’t worry, dear. It’s water under the fishbowl.” She smiled sadly. “You know, you are so much like your father. He was always so determined, just charging through life, never afraid of anything. But sometimes that made him feel a bit lonely.”

  “Really?” It was rare for my aunt to talk about either of my parents. I think bringing them up made her even sadder than it made me.

  “Oh yes,” said Aunt Evie. “And he was never very fond of my animals.”

  I glanced down at the duck waddling through the kitchen. “It’s not that I’m not fond of them,” I said. “I just don’t really know what to do with them.”

  “Animals are easy!” said Aunt Evie. “Ducks, for example, only want to be tickled.” She reached out and tickled under the duck’s bill. It let out an angry quack, and Aunt Evie giggled. “See?”

  “Are you sure they like that?” I said as the duck hurried out of the kitchen.

  “Oh yes, almost as much as they like eating peanut butter.”

  “I’ll have to remember that.” I glanced at the clock. “I guess I should get going.”

  “Okay, dear,” said Aunt Evie, giving me another smile. “Have fun with the other chicks.”

  “Thanks, Aunt Evie.” I bent down and gave my aunt a kiss on the cheek for the first time in ages. “I’ll try.”

  •••

  At lunch that day, I sat with Prince Lamb and his friends and attempted to laugh at their jokes. But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t find squirting ketchup up someone else’s nose funny.

  Finally, I gave up and started spinning my pink mini-golf ball on top of the table. Watching it go around and around reminded me of the way it felt to travel between worlds. Funny how I’d always hated that feeling, and now I kind of missed it.

  I realized the boys at the table were glaring at me for making so much noise with the ball. “Sorry,” I said, slipping it back in my pocket.

  I glanced across the cafeteria at Trish and Melissa. If I could manage to have an actual conversation with Aunt Evie, maybe I could patch things up with my ex-best friends too.

  I got up and went over to where Trish and Melissa were hunched over a gossip magazine, pointing and giggling. “Hi, guys,” I said.

  “What do you want?” said Trish, glaring up at me.

  “I know I already apologized for lying to you, but I wanted a chance to explain what happened.” Neither of them said anything, so I kept talking. “It’s just that I was embarrassed by how weird my family is, and I didn’t want anyone to find out the truth. I felt really bad lying to you. I promise I will never do it again.”

  Trish and Melissa exchanged looks. Then they huddled together and whispered for a minute.

  “Okay, we’ll forgive you on one condition,” said Melissa.

  “You have to fix us up with Prince Lamb,” said Trish.

  I stared at them. “Both of you?”

  “That’s right,” they said in unison.

  They had to be kidding. My friends might have changed over the years, but they hadn’t completely lost their minds. Had they? “But you can’t both date him,” I finally said.

  “Why not?” Trish demanded.

  “What’s wrong with us?” said Melissa.

  “Nothing. It’s just—”

  “It’s my hair, isn’t it?” said Trish, running her hand over her perfect curls.

  “What? No!”

  “Then what?” said Melissa. She gasped. “Did you tell him about my mole?”

  “What mole?” But I didn’t hear the answer because just then a loud Pop! echoed throughout the cafeteria.

  I whirled around, praying it had just been a giant balloon exploding. But the sight of two oversized frogs in capes confirmed my fears.

  Everyone watched as the two frogs hopped across the cafeteria, their necks bulging and their mouths calling: “Mistress Jenny? Mistress Jenny? Are you here?”

  “What are those?” a girl shrieked.

  “Evil alien frogs!” someone else cried.

  Without thinking, I whipped off my backpack, scooped up the two frogs, and dumped them inside. Then I practically ran for the door. “Have to go fix these windup toys,” I said loudly as all eyes in the cafeteria focused on me. “Aren’t they so lifelike?”

  I darted through the hallway and into an empty classroom. When I opened the bag, the two frogs leaped out.

  “Are you two crazy?” I cried. “Do you want the Committee to turn everyone in my school into mindless zombies?”

  “Mistress, we’ve been looking for you everywhere,” said Crong. “You and the prince are in grave danger!”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “We don’t have a lot of time,” said Ribba. “He could be listening.”

  “Who?”

  “Klarr!” the frogs said in unison.

  “What? He’s here?” I spun around, expecting to see the sorcerer’s laughing eyes staring back at me. No one was there. Still, I had the crazy urge to dive under one of the desks and stay there forever.

  “We got word that he discovered Prince Lamb was sent to your world,” said Crong. “It will only be a matter of time before Klarr tries to kidnap him again.”

  “I just saw Prince Lamb,” I said. “But we should go check on him.” Before I could move a muscle, a chorus of screams echoed in the hallway.

  “A monster!” someone cried out. “There’s a flying monster attacking the school!”

  I almost laughed. Of course there was. Why wouldn’t there be? I grabbed one of the frogs in each hand and darted toward the cafeteria. Most of the students were pressed up against the windows, staring at whatever was outside.

  “Go find the prince,” I whispered to Ribba before putting her down on the floor. Then, still holding Crong, I pushed through the crowd and out onto the athletic field behind the school.

  It was true that there was a monster, but it wasn’t exactly attacking the school.

  “Halga!” Crong said with a gasp.

  I stopped in the middle of the field and watched as Halga circled high above us. Her wings reflected the sunlight like two giant mirrors. She looked terrifying from the ground as she wove in and out of the clouds. Then Halga’s voice came down from the sky.

  “Crong, we have to talk about this! It’s not what you think!”

  Crong jumped out of my hand and started to hop away in a huff. />
  Meanwhile, my classmates were running for their lives. Even some of the teachers were hiding under picnic tables. I didn’t know how the Committee would deal with this, but I had to get Halga out of sight before the entire town saw her.

  “Crong!” I said. “Get back here.”

  The frog turned around and shook his head. “I am not speaking to that beast.”

  “If you don’t get her to come down, this entire place is going to get dosed with memory dust.”

  “That is not my concern,” he said. “I am not the one making a scene.”

  “Crong, it’s just a misunderstanding! I would never do that to you,” called Halga.

  “Do what?” I asked the frog. “Why are you mad at her?”

  Crong crossed his tiny arms in front of his chest. “I saw her making eyes at one of the guards in the dungeon. I never thought she’d be drawn to a suit of armor, no matter how shiny it was!”

  “Do you mean one of Klarr’s guinea-pig guards?” I asked, choking down a laugh. “I don’t think anyone could be crazy enough to be interested in one of them.”

  “That’s not what it looked like,” said Crong, turning away.

  As Halga flew past again, I wanted to scream. After everything I’d done to try to make my life ordinary again, it was all falling apart in one day. But I couldn’t just stand by and watch things spiral even more out of control.

  “Crong,” I said. “Can you make something to magnify my voice, so Halga can hear me?”

  “I can try.” He waved his green hands. Instantly, I felt my throat tingling.

  “Hello?” My voice rang out across the entire field as if it were coming out of a speaker. Every pair of eyes focused on me. Even the kids still inside the school turned to stare at me through the windows. “Halga,” I called up to the sky. “You have to come down.”