Alive In Shadow: Living with dyslexia; an inspirational story

by Shishir Paudel

  Warden was just looking at us, smiling with an unusual look over his face– that was an awkward situation. He kept on staring with that creepy smile until I apologized to her promising to be her math tutor for months.

  Truly he knew how to make someone feel anxious.

  Shreya –she was quiet and shy one. There was unique softness in her voice. When she spoke it used to feel like someone was whispering rather than talking. I named her 'slow-motion' in admiration of her slow and soft voice. And every time when I called her that she gave me infuriated looks –it was kind of fascinating feeling to irritate her because there was a strange feeling of closeness.

  Few weeks later she got in relation with Bishal, who turned out to be a good mate. After that we got even closer –I started addressing her as sister–in–law. Every time when she used to hear that from me, an illuminating glow used to enlighten her beauty with a blush.

  Few days later after Bishal proposed Shreya, eruption of love spread throughout the hostel like an aroma of flower, flowing with the wind –infecting everyone with the desire to have someone special. Everyone started seeking for their loved–one.

  Meanwhile, Rudra, taking advantage of his luring skill got the permission to bring his Guitar inside the hostel compartment.

  Sabin was a drummer and he could drum from almost anything that usually made sound while knocking, softly. With Rudra’s Guitar and Sabin’s drumming skill, the hostel went musical.

  It became our daily routine to sing resting in our bedroom after dinner. Bishal was newly in relationship so lots of songs were to be love melodies –dedicated to him and Shreya. In expectation the voice will reach up to the girl’s compartment –we used to sing as loud as we could.

  ***

  It was a casual evening –after having dinner, Rudra was back to his guitar and Sabin was with the box and the wooden ply as his drum set. We started singing as usual, but after a while Sabin stopped drumming and he said –”Hey listen guys.”

  We all got quiet for a moment and focused over what he wanted us to hear…WE heard the girls singing right over us, they were singing the same song and in same rhythm.

  Hearing them, our excitement got on edge, drumming got louder as the vocal got higher –with more loudness and passion we joined back until a disagreeable sound ruined our melody –it was Mr. Ratan. Hurriedly we turned off the lights and rushed to our beds –acting as if we were asleep.

  “It’s night time, there are others in this community, some might be old, ill or tried as I am. Don’t disturb their sleep in name of your amusement, keep your voices down”, He yelled and went away.

  Next morning everyone was having the conversation about the music gala that had occurred last night. When you are trapped in a place for months with infinitesimal moment of happiness than you talk about those moments recurrently in anticipation to seize more pleasure from them.

  Girls were asking about the drummer and the singers –they sounded really interested and excited.

  Apurva came by my side along with Shreya, “Good morning Sohan, Hey! Were you singing yesterday?”, “Shreya and I had a bet” –they both smiled looking at each other.

  “Yes, I did” –I nodded.

  “Really, but I didn’t hear your voice” –Apurva gestured sadness over her face, lowering her smile

  “I was singing, mumbling actually, others are good singers, I didn’t want their tune to be ruined by me” –I smiled. “What about you, did you sing?”

  She smiled with a big YES.

  “When can I hear you, then Apurva? I love singers.”

  “Surely someday” –with the blush of smile she turned and moved.

  “So you love Singers, Really?” Shreya paused “Well, she has few albums out in market; you need not have to wait for someday to fall in love with this one” –Shreya mocked, after Apurva reached to a distance. That time I knew Apurva was an Artist.

  ***

  All was silent, dark outside –I was alone in Section 2 practicing trigonometry when I heard someone rushing up stairs. A shadow appeared growing closer till it vanished touching the light beam just near the door. I was able to see her clearly now, she was Apurva with wet eyes and in terror.

  “Sohan, I need your help.” –An unknown gloom was suppressing her voice.

  “Help? Hey what’s the matter? What is it?”– seeing her in rush I panicked too.

  “It’s Subhi, she is bleeding, badly.”

  I gave her my handkerchief, “Don’t worry I will do something.” I rushed to the Warden, down to the controller’s office asking for some cottons, bandages and betadine. For the first time, I was nervous while standing in front of him, didn’t know what I should say if he asks why I needed all that stuff, I was clueless.

  He looked at my hands; probably, he was searching for the wound. “Everything seems fine” –He said.

  “Oh! It’s not for me.”

  “Then?”, He queried.

  Felt like my sense of humor was switched off all of a sudden, I didn’t know what I should do or say. Quietness was also not an option for that time. So, I just went rapid saying whatever strike my mind. “Cottons are for Sabin –he said he might need it in shower to cover his ears –it’s sensitive to soap. And bandage –well Samir has his leg hurt and I think he has infection too, he was itching badly. They said not to tell anyone, I think they don’t want others to know their problems.”

  Confidently I looked into his eyes –there was appearance of suspicion but he said nothing –just passing me what I asked for. He gave me some antifungal ointment too in addition.

  I rushed to the top and passed it to Apurva.

  Next morning Apurva thanked me.

  “I didn’t do it for thank you, Apurva” –I was in rough mood recalling my home.

  “Why was it then? Is there anything you want Sohan?”

  “What can you give me Apurva? All my childhood I was alone and in that shadow of loneliness there was no god, no friends or a companion I found. My god is dead long ago and an evil might have taken his realm because every time when I asked for something good, I got nothing but sorrow in return.” I looked at her she was surprised and emotional. I even saw myself crying inside her eyes.

  “I don’t want anything from people, what can they give me? They can’t return me a childhood that every child desires to have; they can’t make it the happiest days of my life. They can’t take my past away from me, which hunts me every time when my eyes are closed. They can’t stop all those recalling nightmares. So what can you give me Apurva?” –I didn’t know why I was telling all that to her, she looked so puzzled and I thought I should stop there. “I just did it for friendship because I haven’t found one till this time, and now I have got you all. I’m ready to do everything that’s on my power in name of friendship.”

  She was quiet for a moment holding her pendent, in her neck –just studying me.

  “I can’t give you a god nor your childhood neither can I take your past away but I can try on making your present as the happiest moment of your life that can drive all the nightmares away and when you sleep, a smile glows in your face. I can give you my friendship, will you take it.”, she sounded so humbled.

  I was crying from inside but I didn’t show my tears, I just went away from there in lone to drop the burden off my heart. I was so weakened even to handle the emotion of care or love.

  Three

  With passing days Apurva and I were getting closer. I was seeing changes over her sentiment; she was more quiet and silent than she ever was. Her sweet smile had vanished and an unknown sadness was surrounding her. I had asked her many times– what was bothering her. But she didn’t answer, for days. She just preferred silence.

  But days later she broke her silence asking me if I could help.

  “What is it?”

  “It’s Samrat”

  Samrat was our hostel cook. He was principal’s eyes when Mr. Ratan was not around. All boys were close to him so was I. But still he was not
trustful and more to it he was a dick, complete jerk. He was troubling her for a relationship –it was a bad news. At that time he had some advantages and control over Mr. Ratan’s wits that he could use against her.

  Meanwhile, Bishal was in relation and Abhay and Rudra were also in move, so we thought we could be in a relationship too, that could force Samrat to back off –morally.

  I used to call Apurva as my sister before that but from that day she became my girlfriend. This wind of change was like a firecracker that cracked into everyone’s ears –except the teachers. Everyone asked how it occurred. It really was a shocking rumor for them.

  Samrat tried to poison the Warden’s mind but the Warden had different trust over me so he ignored Samrat’s attempt; then he came to me and verbalized for a long time. He tried to manipulate me but after all his worthless efforts he passed me a letter– letter written by Apurva herself.

  That letter was about her lost love, love that was in her childhood with a boy of different creed and how her parents felt about it. There was also a part where she was guilty – guilty that she was not able to give proper farewell to him while he was dying. His name was Abdul.

  I was confused with lots of question over my mind –not about her past but about the letter. Why it was necessary to be written and why was it with Samrat –many whys were bothering my mind.

  Burning in the flames of curiosity, instantly, I asked her about the letter at the study hour. “I wrote it weeks ago, it was a failure attempt to start a journal but I got empty so I threw those written pages along with garbage. Maybe he picked it from there.”– She replied.

  Well, she was my friend and there was no room for doubt. So I let that matter slide.

  In front of the class we were lovers and that made us closer when friends were around. We had learned a lot about each other by then. We started sharing time at study hours and even some free time.

  I liked many things about her, her eyes, her smile and most of all her voice –melodious.

  In study hour, whenever I used to have a headache, she used to sing for me. I used to sleep with her hand waving my hairs and her voice tinkling my ear. She was a medicine for my migraine; she was the shore for my loneliness. She used to say, I have a nice vocal too; all I needed was some practice over my pitch. She truly wanted me to sing and from that day I started singing –humming in fact.

  Life was a song and every song was a melody –with her. She was always there to inspire me –encourage actually.

  It was a stormy night; we all were together at the top floor inside the study hall. Sky was angry upon something as it was thundering and blasting in rage.

  Subhi was nearby –grabbing my hand, tightly, closing her eyes in fear and Shreya was also doing the same. I looked at Apurva, she was looking out in the sky, holding the pendent on her neck –her beauty was flashing with each thunderstorm.

  “Apurva, get in, aren’t you afraid?” Shreya said to her. Apurva looked at the pendent and she said “my goddess is with me, I have no reason to be afraid of” –she was enjoying the thunderstorm.

  Apurva –she was very religious and in many extents she was lucky too. She thought it was her god helping her every time. Her father was a trader, who used to trade the holy artifacts and possessions required for worshiping deity of different religion. Maybe that’s why divinity was in her blood.

  Four

  We three idiots were at the top floor looking at the market, outside the hostel periphery. Standing there, we used to gamble. The gamble game procedure was selecting a bike model and counting the bike that passes through the market over defined time, the maximum passing model wins.

  Samir’s eyes were somewhere else -Other than the bikes, he was looking at the girl in the neighborhood. Everyday Samir used to do some foolish act like waving hands, whistling, dancing and sometimes he even used to hold a hoarding board to seek her attention.

  Looking at his effort we used to laugh and mock him –there was nothing we could do or, he could, except getting upset. Finally, one day he stopped, thinking it was worthless –knowing he was being a dupe in front of us, he stopped. But a miracle took place that day she–herself came to visit him and few days later their story started.

  Samir was not really in love with her; he was just passing his time and taking some advantages. Every time she used to pass some packets of cigarettes and noodles for him. I used to be in a watch keeping eyes on Warden and Mr. Dines while Sabin and Samir used to catch the packets from the balcony.

  One day everything was as planned, she threw the noodle packet and Samir grasped it but it slept off –striking on the Warden’s head. Instantly after the drop, the Warden looked up and we hid ourselves, that was a close call and from that day, we stopped –The catching game.

  While you sleep together it’s obvious to kick someone mistakenly in sleep, likewise, when you spent months of time together it was obvious to have fight because of misunderstandings, and hostel was full of such fights.

  One day there was a clash between girls and boys about watching a show on Sunday break; boys were willing to watch an action or a horror movie while girls were wishing for Korean drama. Girls won the argument by their decibels and sweetness in front of the Warden, and boys felt downcast about it. The cause of unhappiness was not that we lost but it was because girls won the argument by their grace.

  It’s true that boys hate being defeated by girls. Our ego truly gets hurt when that happens –I’m ready to admit this fact.

  That night Abhay came up with an idea for seeking revenge –to end the misery of the defeat. “If we can’t enjoy the horror movie then we will enjoy their horror”, he simply proposed. Plan was to scare them.

  He went to his trunk and passed some makeup, powders, lipsticks and kohl, then he became our makeup artist. He glitter our faces, and covered us in white and black scarf.

  “I will take the lead and Bishal will be in watch” Rudra eagerly insisted.

  We all went to the girl’s compartment quietly. Ten ghosts were on the loose at that full moon. Abhay cut the power supply –light’s off and candles was sparkling.

  We were walking slowly and all of a sudden, Tina, five years little girl, screamed before we reached there and Mr. Ratan got out of his room.

  “Damn!!! –Princi is here today. .He was supposed to be in a vacation” –Samir panicked.

  We all rushed to our blocks and cleaned ourselves as much as we could. Warden called us all to gather near the garden in the middle of the compartment. Mr. Ratan came close swinging his long, thin, flexible rattan looking deeply into our eyes; making us fear his presence –scaring soul out of us. Sudden moment of quietness was all over the place as we were standing in horizontal line; every minute in that stand was like an agony in fear.

  Then he slowly examined our face, he placed his fingers in Abhay’s eyelids –taking the kohl out. He went to Rudra –cleaned his lipstick then he came to me –dusting the powder off my hair. And finally he went to Samir who was completely in makeup –he poured the water bucket over him.

  I cracked a laugh when Samir was having a shower with the water.

  Mr. Ratan striked me –swinging the bamboo right into my thigh, and I got dropped on my knees– in twinge.

  “Get up”– he raged.

  I was down with a foggy consciousness. The bamboo swung again sticking my left arm, and then to my right. I was paralyzed, but with little effort I stood up trembling. Head down, I was hiding my tears from all. Again there was that sound of bamboo swing cutting through the air ‘suaapp’ but this time I was not its victim.

  I looked to my side and Rudra was dropped. I felt his pain more than I felt mine; I shivered as his voice of ache flowed all over my body.

  I looked up towards the sky and I saw her standing outside the balcony, looking down towards my face, and reading my pain. Her eyes were crying along with me. I stopped my tears for her, and just looked at her –all the pain and fear were lost –smile masked my face.

  I
still remember her eyes– they were so deep, shinning and graceful when they held tears– sparkling, enlightening her beauty. Long gray hair, covered in a blue cotton hat –Her beauty got a new extant in her green outfit with red lips and that dimple on her cheeks when she sweetly smiled– it was the most pretty face that I had ever seen.

  Every time when I think about her I can’t stop thinking how beautiful she was that day.

  We were lovers– it was just a part of drama to tell others, but that night, I truly felt like I loved her and she loved me. There was no other reason for me to hold my tears after seeing her, as there was no reason for her to cry with me in my pain.

  While I saw tears on her eyes I saw my mother’s eyes watching at me when I was a child.

  Next day it was January 15– everyone was busy for the carnival. I grabbed her hand and took her to the top floor; I knew no one would be there. I locked her in the wall and I said –“I am getting serious about us nowadays and I don’t know what I should do.”

  She said nothing and just went down to join the others and I wandered alone at the top floor. When I got down, the Warden called me and he asked what I was doing up there. Samrat surely told him that. I said– “nothing.”

  The Warden kept his hand on my shoulder and he said –“you are the good lad; I prefer you among them all; that’s why I care for you Sohan. If there’s anything you want to speak about I’m here for you. Don’t let wrong rumors get into Mr. Ratan’s ears. It might be a trouble.”