Alive In Shadow: Living with dyslexia; an inspirational story

by Shishir Paudel

  That evening, in study room, Apurva came and sat by my side and she said what if we truly get in a relationship. Subhi heard Apurva saying all of that from behind. She was a gossip queen so it didn’t take time for the rumor of Apurva proposing me to spread.

  That night I was happy and I was dreaming lots of dreams until Lok came along and he quake my bed. Samrat had sent him to frighten me but that didn’t work because I was defended by others.

  Next morning we went to Samrat’s bed and covering his face by his blanket and knocked him out. From that day he stopped troubling –he stopped messing with me and she was finally free from his terror.

  The blanket act not just stopped his terror; it also started a new trend –trend of amusement, where every time someone used to get victimized while others seek fun. It was like a game of hide -and- seeks, not actually.

  We used to hide until the prey got in and once he was in, we used to cover him by the blanket, blindfolding him and once he got blindfolded, everyone used to bang him and run away, leaving no trace of who were involved in attack. It was for fun.

  I was victimized too, for many times. Sometimes, it was painful but it was fun because it was the time with friends that stick to my memories till today –making me smile.

  One day mistakenly we covered the Warden when he came into our compartment. As the blanket was on, he yelled instantly. Hearing his voice we all rushed to the top.

  Really, we were naïve yet we were we.

  Five

  It was Bishal’s birthday...

  He ordered whiskey inside the hostel –secretly. It was forbidden but Samrat was corrupted which made it available. I hadn’t drunk before –it was my first experience but it was not that bad as people used to say. Maybe that’s because I had tasted more horrible medicines than that.

  It was my first drink which made me seduced –quickly. My throat felt burning until I started hallucinating as my senses were altered. Taking the advantage –someone took a piece of glass and injured me –my arms. I started bleeding. I was able to see the flow of blood from my arms to my fingers, then the drop on the floor –I was hearing the blood drops, but it was painless. I fell into a deep sleep.

  In the morning after I woke up, I found my hand covered in bandage. Sabin was near watching over me in anger; I knew what he was thinking so I didn’t question his rage. I just said “I don’t know who did this.”

  I went to the dining hall– everyone was quiet. They were just staring at me like they hadn’t ever seen me before. I searched for Apurva but she wasn’t there, she didn’t take her breakfast that day. In the study hall, I went to Shreya and asked her where she might be. For a moment Shreya stayed quiet. Then she passed a piece of paper.

  It was a letter written by Apurva –it was not ink she used –It was a letter written by blood –her blood I presumed. “I never want you to hurt yourself, but if you do so then I will be hurt too. I don’t know what made you to do this madness but I do know if you did it again, then I will bleed more than you do –Love Apurva”

  I looked at Shreya for a while without saying anything– rolling that letter in my hand. There was a tear as my heart was crying, there was hatred as I was responsible for all. She was hurt because of me. She bled and I did nothing– just furnish her more pain. "Truly I can only give pain and sorrow to them who care for me."

  I was thoughtless… completely blank. After a while –‘why did she do this?’– A question raised on my head.

  Shreya showed me my wound and she said, “There was a letter last night at our compartment door by your name. It was by you –written by your blood and your wound proves it.”

  “It’s true, I was injured last night but I never wrote any letter or went to the girl’s compartment. This wound was also not intentional” –I said.

  Shreya looked at me; she was as surprised as I was. She didn’t have a word to say. “Please tell her that I’m sorry and I didn’t do anything”–I said and walked away.

  Whole day that letter and her blood scratched some part of my heart. I was silent all day remembering those days that were left behind –days where I was the reason of sorrow for those who really cared for me and yet again I was becoming the one.

  In the evening, Apurva came to the study room. Whole day she was invisible. She came close and asked if she could shift to the corner.

  We sat together quietly for a while, like we both were waiting for each other to start the conversation.

  “Are you hurt?” –I asked

  She said nothing–still, she was quiet…

  Then I held her hand –tried to fold the sleeves up, searching for her wound. She pulled her hand –covering the sleeve, she took it to the corner, where it was hard for me to reach.

  “I’m sorry” –I said.

  She was just quiet and sobbing. Her silence was tearing me apart, I was about to cry with her but whole class was there so I stopped myself.

  Then she placed her head over my shoulder and she said, “Sohan you’re the second person after my father whom I truly respect from my heart. I don’t want this respect to be crashed by any reason. For me, you are as my family, and I can’t see you in pain. Promise me that you will never do any reckless things again. You told me that you don’t have a god but I want you to believe in my deity as yours. It always will be with us, helping and making us strong together as one”

  I was just a boy until that day. Lad that was childish, foolish, useless and immature in many senses but that day she made me a man– a man that was as respectful as her father. Man that she saw with some potential. Man with whom she wanted to be, man that will hold her after her father as a part of her life and family. Truly that day I felt like a man for her.

  Few days later my parents came for a visit and I introduced them to all of my friends– but especially to her. Apurva and my mother chatted for a while and my father was busy having conversations with the boys.

  After my parents went back home, Rudra said– “your dad truly cares for you Sohan, you are lucky mate– to have such a wonderful father.” I knew he was right that night, my father does love and care for me more than himself, more than one can ever imagine but still, something used to pin somewhere– an unknown sorrow which used to make him far even after knowing that he loves me and I love him too.

  That day, I just dreamed about my father –the whole night.

  Six

  It was a warm Sunday morning. All were busy –playing and chatting with each other. Some were fighting for checker board, some were completely merged into ping pong and Apurva –she was sitting under the litchi tree.

  We three idiots were on the balcony counting the bikes at the market. I was holding a letter –a love poetry actually that I wrote for her.

  I was waiting for a right moment to pass the letter from the balcony to the litchi tree. Samir won the bike count, in excitation he started dancing, giving me a push –accidently. With his push I lost the grip and the letter fell off –dropping over the Warden. "Him again".

  That day, at the first hour of lunch he came to the dining hall with the letter in his hand. “I have a poem to share; it is from rat to his rabbit” –he said.

  I was nervous but there was an unknown feeling of joy or something– felt like I was blushing –I was nervous, yet feeling shy at the same time smiling too. All sorts of mix feelings were emerging.

  'There’s a different feeling that I get when you are around.

  My imaginations gets wings and I feel as lifted from the ground.

  Your voice not just tingle my ear it gets somewhere deep down.

  In the deepness of my heart where no one can ever be found.

  You’re my rabbit, yes you are.

  I love your smile as much as I love the way you are. I love your eyes when they hold a drop of tear which sparkles with the bit of kohl around.

  That green outfit of yours came every night in my dream, where you stand at the balcony just looking at me down.

  Yes you are my rabbit
, and I wish to be a carrot that you will always bite.

  But you call me a rat, well I am fine to be your rat until you are mine'

  -As he stopped; laughter cracked all over and everyone started evaluating each other wandering who wrote those silly words and for whom.

  That day in the study room Shreya was singing while I was just resting –resting my head over her lap making her my pillow –admiring her voice, it was soft and peaceful.

  “What’s up Rat’s?” –Subhi got in.

  “Don’t you start again, Subhi”

  “Why not Rat?”

  Apurva was in the other corner. Subhi went to her – “how’s our rabbit doing today?”

  “Stop it” –Apurva blushed.

  “It was really a sweet poem actually” –Shreya said waving my hair. “I didn’t know that you were a poet. Will you write anything for me?”

  “Naa! I’m no poet”

  “I will be happy if you write, not just for me but for your own pleasure. I knew you have problems with words and I want you to make that weakness your strength. You might fail once or twice but you will do well –I have faith in you and in my god. He will guide you too. And I will be always there being your first reader” –Apurva simply smiled.

  After that day…every time when I wrote something –Apurva turned it into a melody with her singing skill. Hearing to her, resting on the warmth of her lap –all the loneliness, all the pain used to drift apart.

  There was a different tempo in her voice, range that used to touch your heart and have you desire for more. She was truly a professional singer.

  'Her voice is a melody, melody that is pure and emotional.

  Her hands are of mystery; mysterious are her eyes on kohl.

  There is a different sensation when she moved her hair to a side.

  I get different way of happiness when she smiled

  She smiles…'

  Seven

  Life is a pail of moments where each moment holds a story, living these stories I am a character and whoever stand by my side reading me, over their mind with their own perception are the readers. I guess that’s why it’s logical to say there is a drama in each step, and each drama is evaluated differently according to the reader’s potential and what they perceive.

  Likewise, I had my own perception –perspective of seeing the occurring events on my own way. For me –My childhood was full of humiliation and grief, concluded from what I had been through. But the hostel days were turning as the greatest moments that time gave to me.

  But as it is said, nothing lasts for long –I was happy, but that happiness got suppressed somewhere by the embarrassment that came along with Gynecomastia. Dyslexia was there too but it didn’t matter much at that time.

  I was a teen with sort of abnormal chest; it felt like I was a girl at the starting point of her menstruation cycle. My chests were like they were on the stage of enlargement. There was a different softness –as if it was filled with fat or edema. Pectoral muscles were like they were never there.

  The differences over my chest were noticeable –anyone would feel the difference even if they touched there, accidently. It was embarrassing –if you know what I mean.

  That’s why I tried hiding it from all as much as possible. I was ashamed while I had to change dress –in front of all boys.

  Sabin knew I had a problem and he always supported me. He helped me –doing as much as he could. He taught me different workouts so that I could remove my chest fat and regain muscles. Truly, he was there for me and it meant a lot.

  After the combat of the first encounter –Sabin and I, we never got into a fight. We didn’t even have any misunderstanding or ego problems too.

  I remember one day we were in our compartment –Samir and Sabin were making the axiom for our gang of 3 idiots. I was bored thinking about the axiom so I wanted to do something annoying and stupid.

  I kept the pen aside and started jabbing. Sabin was irritated, he was roaring, demanding me keep quiet but I continued the fun until he chased me in rage of irritation.

  I ran towards the open door, pulling the door towards the lock, and I jumped down stairs.

  Bang!!!... I heard the sound.

  I remembered Sabin was right behind me –chasing. I rushed back upstairs –Sabin was on the floor. The door had knocked him right in his face injuring him badly. His glasses were crashed and his eyes were swollen.

  Karna rushed to me and snatched my neck; my eyes were just locked at Sabin being –senseless. Samir came forward –freed me from Karna’s grip and pushed me out of the door in anger.

  I rushed to the kitchen and I got some ice for Sabin.

  He was on his bed; I hugged him –apologizing for stupidity. It was not intentional but still he was hurt a lot.

  I wrapped the ice pack in small piece of cloth and started massaging it to his face –slowly and gently. It took about an hour for him to get better, as his eyes were healing; he was also melting with ice. At last, he forgave me saying– “My eyes were already narrow like Chinese but now it’s even narrowed because of you, idiot” and he laughed.

  Hearing us laughing, Bishal got in. “After all that happened, we thought we would be able to see some action but you will never fight, will you? GAYs.”– gesturing us, he crossed to the next room.

  After hearing the word gay, Sabin and I looked at each other for an instant. I gave the ice pack on his hand, “I’m going for science lessons you take rest “–I said and got out –Awkward…

  ***

  It was the day for love –14th Feb –first valentine morning of my life. Sun was just about to rise through the mountains while we were in the study room –with a ruthless tutor in his job. Class ran for an hour and then the tea break started. Everyone went down towards the dining hall but I held her hand and stopped her –making her to stay.

  There was no one else besides me and Apurva; I held her hand and pulled her near to me. Eye to eye, chest to chest we were never that close before –close and nervous feeling each other’s breath and pounding heart. I had never kissed a girl before –neither was I that close to anyone. Everything was just stopped, except time.

  Eyes got close, lips touched lips. Then it was over –just a touch but at that time it was more than a kiss.

  Few days later, it was her birthday and her parents had come to give her a visit. That was the day when she introduced me to them –just as a regular friend. As we were chatting further it felt like her mother had already got the clue about us whereas, her father was oblivious. Day got darker and they left the hostel compartment leaving behind the unbounded love for her.

  As the astounding day was over with the fallen sun, marvelous night took its place with the bright moon in the clear sky. That night Sanat, one of my classmate and I went to the top floor at 12 O’clock –sharp.

  Swantina, his girlfriend had her birthday too. We four held the knife together, cutting the cake. Probably, that was the best cake that I ever tasted. Undoubtedly, that was the best night of my teenage. Everything was amazing, simply Amazing.

  Eight

  The board exams were about to start. Climax was ahead and the reason that boarded us for entire year imprisoning through those harsh rules and regulations were all for that particular time. When that reason gets over so will the hostel days –and all knew about it. It was the full stop to all and in that scenario many decided to put a stop to their relationship too.

  As the exams were at stake, nervousness and stress embraced everyone as many were declining. With the ending days on its way –Shreya and Bishal got into a war leading to break up. Few days later Sanat and Swantina were also at the end point of their relation and as for Samir, he never loved that girl from the neighborhood –as his needs were ended so was his love.

  The exam ended and everyone returned back home.

  That was the moment that time gave to me and I was determined to seize every bit of time that was on my hand. And finally all was up to something; I got a portion of s
uccess as I become one of the top scholars of the class.

  All my childhood I spent crying in humiliation and failure but at that time, it felt like all those days were gone –there was something I had achieved –something finally.

  ‘That day I made my father proud. All those pain that I put him through were forgotten’ –that’s what I thought it would be. But it was not like that, he was proud –I supposed, but he never showed.

  All I wanted that time was my father to put his hands over my shoulder and tell me I have done well and he is proud of that but he didn’t say anything– he just wished for more.

  …Disappointment…

  He wished for more and I devoted myself to give him more –hoping maybe one day he will finally say how proud he is –even for a second in time.

  I tried as much as I could –I achieved as much as it deserved but neither of my achievements satisfied him and I stopped trying further. I stopped hoping…

  After the result publication everyone was separated, whereas, many were disappearing with time. Sabin was there for few days but he also got busy on his father’s workshop, and Apurva was with her family at her house.

  ***

  One day…I rushed to Apurva’s house to give her a visit; with an uncontrolled sentiments and heartbeat, my emotions were strutted. I knocked on her door as the sound of my heart beat was knocking me out. It was silent and really amazing moment, I was in fear. I was in joy. I was in rush and it was more beautiful feeling because I was in love. With a mix sensation circulating all over my pounding heart I called her name– “Apurva, Apurva” while standing at her door.

  I heard a sound of someone running towards the door. I knew it was her as I knew the sound of her footsteps. She opened the door and there she was– standing in front of me. Even after such long months of time she wasn’t changed a bit; still she was as beautiful as she was before– My rabbit.