Second Chances at the Log Fire Cabin

by Catherine Ferguson

  I laughed and it turned into a sob, at which point the nurse came and gently suggested to Mum it was time I had a nap.

  ‘Did Flo’s dad get me out?’ I asked, remembering the dark shape leaning over me.

  ‘He did. And your dad and I don’t know how we’ll ever be able to thank him enough.’ She’s smiling through her tears. ‘Now just you relax, my love, and I’ll bring Dad in to see you later.’

  ‘What about Billy? Does he know?’

  She nodded. ‘He’s desperate to see you but it’s close family only just now. I promise he’ll come in just as soon as he can.’

  I lay there after she’d gone, thinking I could bear any amount of pain now I knew that Gus was all right.

  And Billy would be coming to see me soon, I was sure.

  Billy was great. Once I was out of intensive care and back on the ward, he came in to cheer me up every day, usually bringing little gifts for me, like magazines and grapes and, once, a gorgeous bracelet with a little jade charm that he said was the colour of my eyes.

  He’d just started his course at Manchester University and I was missing him desperately. But he got the train back home every other weekend and I had no worries about our love surviving the separation. He’d be home for three whole weeks at Christmas and I planned to make it really special for us.

  I lived for Billy’s weekend visits – especially when the hard and often excruciatingly painful physiotherapy began. When I felt like giving up, it was the thought of Billy that kept me pushing forward.

  I was determined to work as hard as I could to get better. I knew I’d have to have skin grafts on my back, shoulder and right arm, but once they were done, I’d be able to get myself back to the way I was before the accident shattered everything. They were holding my place for me at the accountancy firm because, obviously, I’d missed the start date. But I knew I’d get there so I was determined not to worry and just work hard at the physio.

  Billy was making new friends and enjoying his course, and I was really pleased for him. One weekend in early November, he came home all excited about a trip away to Dubai he and his mates and their girlfriends were planning.

  ‘It’s next month,’ he said, glancing at his phone. ‘You’ll be okay by then, won’t you?’

  I gazed at him in dismay. ‘I don’t think so, Billy.’

  ‘Really?’ He put his phone down on the bedside cabinet and I saw he’d changed his screensaver to a group photo, presumably of people he socialised with at uni. ‘But I thought you were making good progress with the physio?’ He looked genuinely puzzled.

  ‘Well, yes, I am. But it’s going to take months, not weeks, before I’m able to do normal things again – like go away on holiday.’

  ‘Oh. Right.’

  He looked so disappointed. I reached for his hand. ‘We can go to Dubai ourselves, just me and you, once I’m better?’ I smiled. ‘I might even be able to treat you, once I’m earning on my accountancy course.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, of course.’ He shrugged, as if he wasn’t bothered either way.

  ‘So you don’t mind too much that we can’t go this time?’

  He shook his head. ‘You need to concentrate on getting better, Roxy. That’s the main thing right now.’

  I smiled and leaned over to kiss him. I was under no illusion at all that my road to recovery was going to be a slog. Thank goodness Billy understood.

  While he was away fetching coffee, I picked up his phone and looked at the screensaver photo. Billy was in the centre and, even though I’d never met them, I already recognised his new friends, Evan and Mark and their girlfriends, Rachel and Tilly, from photos Billy had shown me. There was a girl with long, strawberry blonde hair that I didn’t recognise, and I made a mental note to ask Billy about her.

  It was so frustrating only being able to see Billy every other weekend when he came back from uni – and always in hospital at that! But looking at that group shot just made me even more determined to get better soon.

  I smiled. It wouldn’t be too long before I’d actually be in those photos, with Billy and his new friends.

  It was a great incentive to keep working hard at my physio.

  With injuries like mine, if I didn’t exercise every day, I knew my body would start tightening up and I’d gradually lose my ability to move. So, despite the frequent pain and the frustration I felt at being confined to a hospital bed while the trees beyond the window turned the most glorious russet shades, I managed to stay fairly upbeat and positive.

  But there was one thing I was avoiding.

  I hadn’t asked to look at the burns on my back.

  I was used to the nurses changing the dressings every day, and I’d grown accustomed to the way my arm looked. But I knew that my back had taken the worst of the flames.

  Then one day, when they were unwrapping the bandages, I asked to see the full extent of the damage. The two nurses exchanged a doubtful glance so I said, ‘You know, I’ve got to see it some time, so it might as well be now.’ I honestly would have given Meryl Streep a run for her money the way I said it so casually. The nurses would never have guessed the turmoil I was in at the very thought.

  So I finally got to see. And immediately wished I hadn’t.

  My back, which had been smooth and unblemished, was now a horrific mass of scar tissue. The damage was all the way up to my shoulder blades and it snaked around my right shoulder and down my arm.

  I felt a whoosh of light-headedness and really thought I was going to faint.

  That was the moment I knew I’d been kidding myself. I was never, ever going to be the person I was before the accident. My body was broken. My carefree days were over.

  One of the nurses looked up at a movement behind me. Her face froze. ‘Billy,’ she said.

  My heart jolted in my chest. Oh God, I’d never have wanted him to see me like this – not without some warning. And not until the scars had at least had a chance to heal. But at least he knew how bad it was. He’d seen me at my worst and now we could move on …

  I didn’t turn round. Mainly because any movement really hurt and I always had to psyche myself up for it first. But Billy ducked out anyway while the nurses replaced the dressings and my loose nightgown. Then they left me and Billy came back in and sat down on the chair by the bed, staring down at the floor, his shoulders hunched, as if he was avoiding looking at me.

  I reached for his hand. ‘It’s okay, Billy. It looks worse than it is. Honestly. I can hardly feel it now.’ I was desperate to reassure him so he’d feel more at ease. ‘The skin grafts will take a while to heal but I’ll soon be back to normal.’

  He looked up and gave me a stiff smile. ‘Of course you will, Roxy.’

  Over the next few weeks, I found myself thinking a lot about a holiday with Billy, just the two of us. I figured if we booked it for early summer that would give me enough time to heal and start getting back to leading a normal life. Knowing Billy would be coming in to visit on the Saturday morning, I got Mum to bring in some holiday brochures so we could look through them together.

  I was feeling upbeat and excited when Billy walked onto the ward that morning. He helped me into a wheelchair and pushed me along to the communal lounge area that was conveniently empty.

  He settled me in a chair and sat down beside me.

  ‘I thought we could book a trip to Dubai for next year?’ I said, flicking eagerly through one of the brochures on my lap and showing him a hotel I’d picked out.

  He took it and looked at the page.

  ‘What do you think?’ I asked.

  He gave a vague nod and continued to stare at the brochure. I wondered if something had happened because he seemed distracted, as if he wasn’t even looking at the hotel.

  I took the brochure back. ‘Sorry, you’ve only just got here. There’s no rush. Have a think about it and when you come back in a couple of weeks, we can plan something, okay?’

  ‘I won’t be here in a fortnight.’ He mumbled this at the floor so
I almost didn’t catch it.

  ‘Oh?’ I glanced at him in surprise. ‘Is something happening at uni?’

  He swallowed and examined his nails before he finally raised his eyes to mine. ‘It’s the Dubai weekend?’

  My heart plummeted. He was still intending to go?

  Billy shrugged. ‘I’d already booked and paid for the flights. It would have been a shame to waste them,’ he said, rubbing his nose and looking strangely shifty.

  I thought about this and I quickly realised he was right.

  Of course I hated the thought of not being able to go on a Dubai adventure with Billy and his new friends – but it would only be this once.

  ‘Okay,’ I nodded slowly. ‘That makes sense. I can come the next time.’ I smiled and took his hand, feeling pleased for him after my initial shock. Spending every other weekend visiting me in hospital wasn’t exactly the excitement of the century. ‘You’ll have a great time, I’m sure.’

  Then something occurred to me. ‘What about my ticket? Is someone going in my place?’

  There was a beat of silence.

  ‘Erm … Natalie?’ he said.

  ‘Who’s Natalie?’

  ‘You know. Natalie? She’s the best mate of Evan’s girlfriend?’

  ‘Oh? I’ve never heard you mention a Natalie.’

  He frowned. ‘Really? I’m sure I told you about her.’ He flushed awkwardly.

  I shook my head. ‘You definitely didn’t. But it doesn’t matter.’

  I thought of the girl with strawberry blonde hair in Billy’s screensaver photo. Was that Natalie? Why had Billy never mentioned her? He was always talking about the other guys. So why not her? And why was he currently doing his best to avoid my eye?

  Panic stabbed me in the gut.

  But I told myself to stay calm. I was being over-sensitive. Billy loved me. We’d been crazy about each other ever since we got together two years ago.

  Then Billy heaved a sigh and said, ‘We need to talk, Roxy.’

  I glanced at him in alarm, my heart in my mouth.

  At last, he managed to look at me. ‘I’ve … been seeing Natalie. She’s fun and we get on. And it’s just – I don’t know – easy with her.’ He held out his arms as if it was all as bewildering to him, this turn of events, as it was to me.

  I stared at him, unable to believe what I was hearing.

  ‘Sorry, Roxy. I didn’t know how to tell you. But I think it’s for the best.’ He forced a smile. ‘You need time to recover. And I’ve got exams, so I can’t keep coming back at weekends. It’s much simpler if we just go our separate ways.’

  I swallowed. ‘How long have you been seeing this Natalie?’ I asked, my voice cracking.

  ‘Not long.’ He glanced down at his hands. ‘About a month.’

  ‘A month?’

  He shrugged, looking sheepish, but said nothing.

  ‘And it’s easy with her, is it?’ I gave a bitter laugh. ‘As opposed to really hard-going and boring with me because I went and got myself burned and I can’t move from this bloody hospital?’

  He frowned. ‘Now you’re just being melodramatic.’

  I stared at him incredulously, wondering if he ever truly loved me. If he did, surely he’d want to be with me now, to help me through the worst time of my life?

  Apparently, he didn’t.

  He wanted to fly off to Dubai with Natalie!

  ‘Couldn’t you have told me you were shagging someone else?’ I demanded. ‘Instead of letting me carry on thinking things were totally fine between us?’

  ‘I’m telling you now, Roxy,’ he mumbled.

  Tears started slipping down my face and I dashed them away angrily. ‘But how can you do this to me? To us? After all we’ve been to each other? Don’t you love me any more?’

  He gazed down at the floor, raking a hand slowly through his hair.

  Then it came to me in a flash.

  ‘It’s the burns, isn’t it? I don’t look the same as I used to, so you’ve gone off me. You don’t fancy me any more. But you obviously fancy Natalie!’ I grabbed his phone off the nearby table and it slipped from my shaking hand and skidded along the linoleum. ‘Is that her on your screensaver?’ I demanded, pointing as he went to pick it up. ‘I suppose it should have occurred to me to wonder why you don’t have a picture of me on there!’

  I broke down completely then and Billy tried to put his arm around me, but it hurt. I shrieked with the pain and he flinched away from me. And then I was shouting at him to get out and that I never wanted to see him again.

  He left without a word. And that’s when my whole world crumbled around me.

  I think I’d known all along that Billy wouldn’t be able to cope with the changed me; the damaged, scarred person I’d become after the fire.

  In the lonely, anguish-filled weeks and months that followed, I told myself I was glad Billy had gone. The last thing I wanted was to be with a man who pitied me and was revolted by my scars …

  Chapter 16

  I’m really quite nervous serving up my apple crumble cake, but to my enormous relief, no one laughs – not even Sophie! In fact, everyone seems to be fairly impressed.

  I pass around the jug of caramel sauce that I managed to make without a hitch, and the murmurs of pleasure are balm to my agitated soul.

  The best part is when Alex gives me a big wink when no one is watching. Well, I say that, but after I’ve stopped smiling at him, I glance at Jackson and I catch him studying me with an odd look on his face. He doesn’t look jealous exactly. If anything, he looks amused, as if he’s calculating how to turn my head in his direction instead of Alex’s …

  I groan inwardly. This whole situation with Jackson is way too complicated.

  After we’ve eaten dessert, which goes down surprisingly well, we all gather – with varying degrees of enthusiasm – in the living room for Sophie’s health and beauty book presentation.

  I’m quite interested to hear what she has to say. But unfortunately, she has a rather droning delivery that makes you listen more to the peculiar tone of her voice, rather than what she’s saying. Consequently, I start to drift off on the end of the sofa, and Poppy has to jerk me awake with her elbow.

  ‘So, a delicious juice of celery and broccoli makes the perfect start to everyone’s day!’ Sophie is saying. She holds up a pack of celery and a head of broccoli, as if she’s introducing us heathens to the green stuff for the very first time. ‘With perhaps a carrot for a touch of sweetness.’ She puts down the other veg and holds up a carrot – pinky finger in the air – with the smug smile of someone who always practises what she preaches.

  Poppy, who’s squashed next to me on the sofa, with Ryan and Clemmy on her other side, leans fractionally sideways and murmurs, ‘I know what I’d like to do with that carrot.’

  I snort and quickly turn it into a cough.

  Ruby, sitting cross-legged on the floor and hanging onto Sophie’s every word, turns and glares at me.

  ‘And if you must snack, try eating like a kid,’ says Sophie. ‘Think finger food such as carrot sticks and cherry tomatoes and melon cubes – all the stuff pre-schoolers have in their lunch boxes.’

  Ruby holds up her hand and Sophie smiles. ‘Yes, Ruby?’

  ‘I was just wondering. When you say it’s good to eat like a kid, do you mean it’s okay to go to McDonald’s for breakfast?’

  Ryan lets out a guffaw of laughter and Jed joins in.

  Sophie pointedly ignores the naughty boys at the back of the class and smiles patiently down at Ruby. ‘Well, no, Ruby. McDonald’s is mostly fast food. And fast food plays complete havoc with your digestive system. I really wouldn’t recommend it.’

  ‘Oh. Okay.’ Ruby turns and glares at everyone. ‘I was only asking.’

  I glance at Alex to see his reaction. He’s managing to keep a straight face. Jackson is studying his knees, trying not to smile, which would obviously annoy Sophie. He glances across at me and I look quickly away.

  I keep catc
hing him sneaking looks at me. It makes me feel bad because Sophie is sitting right there – but at the same time, my heart skips a beat every time. He was sitting opposite me at dinner, which made me feel really self-conscious and like my fingers had ballooned to the size of sausages so that I couldn’t use my knife and fork properly.

  After Sophie’s presentation, I tell Poppy I’m feeling shattered and head for my room, hoping to escape Jackson’s attentions. But just as I reach the top of the stairs, I hear my name and, when I turn, he’s taking the stairs two at a time to catch up with me.

  ‘Have you thought about what I said?’ he asks, laying his hand on my waist.

  I nod, my heart beating fast.

  ‘So what do you think? Have you missed me?’ he asks softly.

  ‘Of course.’ I swallow. ‘But this …’ I fling my arm out vaguely. ‘It’s all a bit sudden. I mean, I was starting to get over you and now …’

  He smiles. ‘And now?’

  We lock eyes and, suddenly, I’m finding breathing difficult. All the butterflies in the world have taken flight in my abdomen. Jackson could always make me feel like this. It feels so lovely and familiar and part of me longs to just throw myself into his arms.

  ‘Jackson? Are you up there?’ Sophie’s voice travels up the stairs.

  I’m expecting him to leave abruptly, but he just stands there, looking at me with this big wistful smile on his face. ‘I’ll be down in a minute,’ he calls at last.

  ‘Okay. Well, don’t be too long.’

  Her footsteps clack away down the hall and I breathe again.

  ‘You’re not free to be with me, Jackson,’ I point out. ‘What about Sophie?’

  He sighs. ‘I care about her, of course. But – well, you’re different, Roxy.’

  ‘Yes.’ I joke. ‘Three stone heavier with no dress sense whatsoever.’

  ‘But you’re so lovely. Everyone thinks so. And you’re very beautiful, in your own way.’

  ‘Right.’ I try not to be needled by his complete failure to contradict my neat summing up of the differences between Sophie and me. And to appreciate my banter. But then, this is actually a very romantic moment. Perhaps it’s not the time for jokes.