Undercover Lover

by Jerry Cole

  “Yeah,” Jan said. “None of those things were your fault.”

  “Yes, thank you very much Mr. Psychiatrist,” Riley replied. Jan couldn’t see him, but he could tell he was rolling his eyes. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just, look, it’s high time we bond. As adults. Without worrying about shit. You can introduce me to your homo-honeys…”

  “For the record, I don’t call any of my friends that,” Jan replied, laughing. “Especially not my girlfriends.”

  “That’s what Martinez says gay guys call their female friends,” Riley said. “Did that bitch lie to me?”

  “Well, you’re getting warmer,” Jan said, laughing again. “Maybe I’m just too old to know what the younger generation is doing.”

  “Anyway,” Riley said. “You always can introduce me to your, um, girlfriends. And your boyfriend, if you have one.”

  Jan twisted his lips. “It’s complicated.”

  “Great,” Riley replied. “Why don’t you take me out to dinner and tell me all about it? Danbury is so fucking far away and there was no food on the plane.”

  “Fine,” Morgan said. “Didn’t Mom ever tell you not to swear?”

  “I’ve already forgotten mostly everything that she ever said to me,” Riley said. “Except maybe ‘my arm tingles’.”

  Jan laughed again. “You’re the worst.”

  “You love me,” Riley said. “Can you pick me up or do you want to meet somewhere?”

  “No, stay put,” Jan replied. “I’ll meet you at the airport. We can choose where to go from there. There’s no good Thai food here, just so you know.”

  Riley tutted. “I’m used to shit food, dude. I’ll live until I get back to civilization. This airport is the size of the barracks back at school.”

  Jan laughed again. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

  “Okay,” Riley said. “Just to—I mean, you’re happy I’m here, right? Because I can always—”

  “No, don’t be stupid,” Jan said. “You know I’m not good with surprises. Of course I’m happy to see you. Like I said, stay put.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  After Morgan was done with dinner, the one he ate after going home from the gym, which he drove to straight after work, he normally watched a movie or read a book and went to bed. Every few days, he’d speak to his family over their webcams, but his parents were on a cruise, his little brother was on tour, and his sister didn’t have him on schedule until Thursday. Normally, Morgan wouldn’t have minded. He liked his life like this almost all the time. At least he had liked his life like this beforehand. If he ever got lonely, he could always turn to an app on his phone or the nearest gay club. Hooking up always had been easy for him. This entire situation, though, this was new. This was something he didn’t know how to handle. Even David had never been this complicated, and his relationship with David had never been simple, even in the best of times.

  He didn’t even know if what he had with Jan was comparable to that. Sure, he wanted something similar with Jan. He wanted the long-term thing, he wanted to walk in after work to find Jan cooking in tight-fitting jeans that hugged his figure. He wanted to surprise Jan with flowers every now and then, sending them to work and to their apartment, because that’s what it would be. He wanted to ask Jan how his day was and get a full recount of everything that had happened, no matter how mundane it was. Yet, he still didn’t know if he even could call Jan his boyfriend and Sam had been right. That was the least he needed to know. He thought about calling him, but that didn’t seem like enough. He needed to have this conversation face-to-face and he didn’t think he could wait until their next date, whenever that was supposed to happen. He needed to know now. He realized it wouldn’t do anything to make him seem less intense but he didn’t care. He threw on some jeans and the shirt that was closest to him, and made his way down to his car.

  On the way there, he started to think this might not be such a good idea. The more rational part of himself was screaming at him, telling him that he needed to chill out, that being this clingy wasn’t attractive. The less rational part of himself—the one that was already helplessly obsessed with Jan—was telling him it didn’t matter, that he needed to know. That it was only fair if they both knew where they stood. The conversation didn’t even have to take long, it just could be short and reassuring. Or short and crushing, he supposed, though he didn’t particularly want to think about that possibility.

  He gripped the steering wheel tightly as he arrived at Jan’s building. There was no parking available, obviously, so he had to circle around the block several times until he found someone pulling out of their parking spot. The extra time only allowed for more self-doubt to come up, eroding his determination.

  What was he doing? This wasn’t like him. He didn’t just jump in the car and go to his lovers’ houses without talking to them first. The idea of that was crazy, ridiculous and reeked of stalking. If Jan wanted to see him, then Jan would make sure Morgan knew he wanted to see him. And it only had been a day since they’d had their date under the stars, in that field. Jan had looked so fucking sexy then, Morgan thought, as his mouth watered. He shook his head, but pulled into the parking space and put his car in park. He still could put the car in gear, go home and forget about this madness. No one needed to know he was here. But then all he would be able to think about was Jan and what Jan thought they were, and he didn’t know if he could deal with that either.

  He rolled his eyes. He hated this. He hated that Jan basically had turned him into a helpless teenager again. Morgan was an adult. He had a Roth IRA and a 401k and an investment portfolio. The last thing he needed to worry about was what some guy thought about him.

  He sighed, banged his head against the headrest of the driver’s seat, and opened the door of his car slightly. Before he climbed out, though, he got an idea. He grabbed his phone out of the cradle it sat on and texted Jan.

  ‘Hey. Are you around?’

  He read it a few times, wondering if Jan could think it meant anything other than it did, then he clicked the arrow button that was supposed to send it. He regretted it almost immediately. The message said it was sent, then delivered. Then it said it was read. Morgan kept staring at his phone for what felt like hours, but couldn’t have been more than a few minutes, maybe even a few seconds. Morgan swallowed. He knew there were dozens of reasons why Jan might not be answering his message, but none of them felt right. Maybe he didn’t take it nearly as seriously as Morgan himself did, and if that was the case, Morgan needed to know that as soon as possible. He didn’t want to keep postponing his plan to have a family, which now was clearer than ever, and if he had to get over Jan first, he thought that it might take him forever.

  His sister had been wrong about how long it took a person to get over someone. The thought that Jan might not want to be with Morgan felt as real and present as a deep scratch across his skin, one from which he was sure he never would recover. He needed to know. He needed to. There was no way he just could sit there in his car and torture himself like this.

  He had to know.

  He got out of his car, slammed the door behind him, and walked toward the building. The night was cold and he wished he had bundled up more, he just hadn’t anticipated he would park that far away from Jan’s building. He hugged himself to keep some warmth in as he walked briskly toward the building.

  Morgan sighed. Jan had given him his apartment number, it was somewhere in their messages, but Morgan wasn’t sure how far up he had to scroll to find Jan’s details, and he was sure that reading their conversation right then would be difficult. Seeing how adorable Jan was most of the time, how charismatic and funny and ready to flirt he was, was probably just going to make Morgan feel even more scared. It didn’t matter, though. He had to do it. He couldn’t exactly randomly knock on the doors of hundreds of people’s apartments and expect that Jan would answer the door. He had a roommate, too. So, for all he knew, it might be the right apartment and Morgan just never would kn
ow. He waited until he was in front of the building to open the conversation, though. He thought it might be too hard otherwise.

  ***

  It turned out Jan lived on the eleventh floor, in a unit called 11AN. Morgan wondered what kind of numbering system that was, but he didn’t have that much time to question it. The elevator came as soon as it was called, and he didn’t have to buzz anyone to let him in. Morgan thought it had to be a very safe neighborhood to allow for something like this. The elevators, however, were old. Half the back was covered by a mirror, which recently had been cleaned. Morgan almost winced at his reflection. There were bags under his eyes, and he looked paler than usual. He hadn’t bothered to put any of his earrings back in, even after he had been to the gym, so even his ears looked foreign. He stared at himself, obviously more taken aback than he had realized, when the elevator pinged and opened to the eleventh floor. Morgan shook his head. This was obviously a bad idea, but he already had come this far. It would be stupid just to turn back.

  He stepped out of the elevator into the long hallway and looked around at the numbers. Before he could change his mind, his gaze settled on 11AN. He sighed, crossed the small space and knocked on the door without using the little brass knocker. He thought he couldn’t hear anyone inside, but soon there was shuffling and Jan was standing in front of him. He was wearing a white T-shirt that clung to his body, black pajama pants, and no shoes. And behind him, sitting on the sofa, there was a man, younger than him, wearing something quite similar.

  Morgan’s eyes widened. He thought it might be Jan’s roommate, until the man, who was obviously quite good-looking, though Morgan couldn’t see him that well, shouted out. “Come back here. I’ve been dying to see this movie with you.”

  Morgan’s mouth fell open. “Wow.”

  Jan’s creased his brows, confusion written on his face. “Wha—”

  “I don’t know what I expected,” Morgan said, his gaze darting between Jan and his good-looking guest. “But it definitely wasn’t this.”

  Jan followed Morgan’s gaze. “It’s not what you think.”

  “It’s not?” Morgan replied.

  “No, it isn’t,” Jan said. “He’s my—”

  Morgan held up his hand. “I don’t care what he is. Look, I know we’ve only been on two dates, and that things got kind of intense between us very quickly. I guess I just thought they meant as much to you as they did to me, but I was obviously wrong. Which is fine. Honestly, I’m just glad I found about it now.”

  With that, Morgan turned around and started walking away. Jan bolted out of his apartment, running behind him. “No,” he said. “It’s not what you think, I swear.”

  “What I think is that you wouldn’t even let me come to your apartment, but you have someone else there,” Morgan replied, his voice breaking. “Fuck. And I liked you, too.”

  “No,” Jan said, a smile on his face. “Seriously, Morgan. This is a misunderstanding. Would you just hear me out, please?”

  “I don’t know what you could possibly say that would make this okay,” Morgan spat back at him, his eyes narrowed. He was furious, betrayed, hurt. He couldn’t even blink, because he was sure that if he did, he was going to cry. The last thing he wanted to was cry in front of Jan. Not after what just had happened.

  Jan’s smile turned into a grin. “What if I told you that was my brother?”

  Morgan frowned. “What? But that makes no sense—”

  “Yeah, I know,” Jan said. “My stepdad was Mexican.”

  “But you told me his name was Trevor,” Morgan replied, his voice trembling. “If you’re trying to trick me—”

  “What? You’ve never heard of Mexicans named Trevor?”

  Morgan frowned, his hands balled up and at his sides. “If you’re fucking with me…”

  “His name was Trevor,” Jan replied, putting his hand on Morgan’s arm and squeezing it. Morgan wasn’t sure if he should let Jan reassure him, or if he should shake him off. “That was the name he took when he came here, when he was in his teens. The name his parents gave him was Dario, but he went by Trevor because he thought people would take him more seriously. He felt more like a Trevor than a Dario anyway. I think only my grandma called him that after his dad died.”

  “So that’s why—”

  “Why Riley is brown and I’m not, yeah,” Jan replied.

  Morgan shook his head. Even if Jan was telling the truth, he knew this had been a bad idea. He shouldn’t have come here unannounced, regardless of who Jan’s guest on the sofa was.

  “It’s a good story, but—”

  Jan looked up at him. “Morgan, for fuck’s sake. It’s not a fucking story. That man, that’s my little brother.”

  “Okay,” Morgan said, looking away from him. “Well, I better—”

  “Fuck,” Jan said. “This wasn’t how I planned this. Okay, come here.”

  “Come where?”

  It was Jan’s turn to look away from him. “You were going to meet my brother eventually, weren’t you? So pop in. Say hello. I promise you, that’s Riley. That’s why he’s wearing my clothes, he forgot to pack his pajamas.”

  “What?”

  “Seriously,” Jan said. “Look, if you’re not going to believe me, then I can prove it to you. Come in.”

  Morgan frowned. “I wouldn’t want to impose.”

  What he said sounded stupid enough when it came out of his mouth, but when Jan started to laugh, it didn’t just seem stupid. It seemed preposterous.

  “Fine,” Morgan said, smiling.

  “I mean,” Jan replied, licking his lips. “It’s not like you have anything to lose.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Jan didn’t like surprises. It felt as though every surprise in his life had been a bad one, though he supposed that was just the way it felt because the magnitude of the bad surprises seemed to dwarf that of the good ones. Now he had two potentially good ones, both in his apartment building, and he felt sick. Morgan didn’t know the truth about him. He couldn’t know. He had wanted to explain everything to Riley, but he had thought that he had enough time. He hadn’t planned on ever introducing Morgan to him, but he knew that if it ever happened, Riley would have no problem keeping his secret. The problem was Riley had no idea he had a secret to keep. There was also the fact that if he knew his brother—and he did—Riley would be able to tell that Jan really liked Morgan. Which would make him a bigger proponent of them ending up together, which would make it even harder when the two of them broke up, which was bound to happen sooner or later. Probably sooner rather than later.

  He tried swallowing his anxiety as he pulled Morgan along with him. He didn’t want to worry too much about it, but he knew if he thought about it for too long, any of the courage he had seemed to pull out of nowhere would disappear into thin air. It was a good thing Morgan was following along, too, because he didn’t think he had it in him to try convincing him that he should come along with him again. If he didn’t want to, then maybe it was a good thing. Maybe Jan should have let him believe the person hanging out at his apartment wasn’t his brother, but rather another lover. That would at least solve one of his problems.

  But he didn’t want that. The idea that Morgan thought there was another man sitting on his sofa, one who had taken his place, it didn’t just scare him, it terrified him. It made him feel sick to his stomach. It made him dizzy. It made him want to cover Morgan’s face with kisses and then his entire body, until he was kneeling in front of him, his head on his lap, trying to make Morgan see there was nothing going on between Jan and anyone else. Trying to make Morgan see he belonged to him and only to him.

  So the risk was worth it. Even if it was making him dizzy.

  Walking back to his apartment felt like it was taking forever, like the hallway itself wanted to stop him from making it that far. If he had believed in signs, maybe he would have taken this as one, he thought to himself. But soon they were standing in his living room, Morgan looking tired, Riley looking confuse
d, and Jan himself probably looking terrified.

  “Hey, kid,” he said. “This is my… this is Morgan.”

  “Nice to meet you, sir,” Riley said, instantly jumping to his feet and grabbing Morgan’s hand. Riley had a great handshake, he always had, but the military had made it better. Jan knew it would impress Morgan. Having Riley call him “sir” probably would not impress him nearly as much.

  Morgan laughed, though. “Please don’t call me ‘sir’. My name’s Morgan. I assume you’re Riley?”

  “Yup,” Riley said. “I’m sorry to say I haven’t had the pleasure of hearing about you.”

  “Only because he just got here,” Jan jumped in. “He didn’t tell me about his furlough until he literally showed up at the airport, and we only get to speak to each other a few times a month. You know, like, really speak to each other. Otherwise, I totally would have told him about you.”

  Riley’s eyes widened. “Is this your boyfriend?”

  Morgan and Jan looked at each other. Jan swallowed, his voice shaky, when he finally replied. “Yeah,” he said, shrugging his shoulder. “I mean, I guess so.”

  “Damn, dude,” Riley said. “Good job. He’s way out of your league.”

  “Shut up, Riley,” Jan said, looking away from him.

  Morgan laughed. “I’m not,” he said. “Though I appreciate you saying that.”

  “Anyway, yeah,” Jan said. “We’re watching this movie, Dragon Fight Three. Riley really wanted to watch it, but it’s probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.”

  “Hey, I take offense to that,” Riley replied. “It’s not the worst you’ve ever seen. Dragon Fight Two was a masterful study of modern cinema.”

  “Actually, that was really terrible, too,” Jan replied. “Sit down, Morgan. If there’s a cat in your way, shove her out. She’s my roommate’s cat and she’s as much of an asshole as he is.”