Undercover Lover

by Jerry Cole

  “Noted,” Morgan replied. “So, you’re not a fan of animals then? You wouldn’t want to have a pet?”

  “Honestly, I’m a dog person,” Jan said. “But Mom instilled in us pretty early that having a dog in a small apartment is kind of cruel, which I can’t help but agree with.”

  “Though she couldn’t say anything now,” Riley said.

  Jan laughed. “It’s not about that. So, if I did get a dog, it’d have to be somewhere with a yard and, like, a place that had trails and places to walk your dog and stuff.”

  Morgan cocked his head. “Doesn’t the city have that?”

  “Sure,” Riley said. “The problem is that, where we’re from, you have to take the metro to get there. Or you can go to the beach, as long as it’s not in early in the morning.”

  “What’s going on early in the morning?”

  “What’s going on early in the morning is that a bunch of crackheads meet there,” Jan replied. “Though it’s fine. I mean, as long as they keep to themselves. Riley always wanted to go jogging there in the morning, but, of course, I wasn’t going to let him do that by himself. It was so cold, though…”

  “Seriously,” Riley replied, rolling his eyes. “I can look after myself.”

  “Okay, whatever,” Jan said. “Can I get you something to drink, Morgan? I mean, you’ve…”

  Morgan shook his head. “No, I probably shouldn’t stay. I just wanted to talk to you, but it can wait. I didn’t realize you had family staying here with you.”

  “Like I said, it was a surprise,” Jan replied. “Why don’t we all go get dinner or something tomorrow? I mean, you guys are going to get to know each other eventually. And Riley wanted to meet all my homo-honeys. I don’t think that you count.”

  Morgan laughed, shaking his head. “What is that?”

  “You know, fruit flies,” Riley said. “Flame dames. Goldilocks. Fairy godmothers.”

  “Jesus, shut up,” Jan said.

  Morgan laughed again. “Is he okay?”

  “No, he’s obviously having a stroke,” Jan replied. “Apparently, it runs in the family.”

  Riley groaned. “I don’t understand what happened. You always used to hang out with such babes when you were in high school.”

  “Okay, first of all, you only thought that because you were a little kid,” Jan replied. “Secondly, I only hung out with them because I was having sex with their boyfriends.”

  Riley’s eyes widened. “I can’t believe you. All of those girls—”

  “Every single one,” Jan replied, grinning.

  Morgan laughed. “You never told me you were such a slut.”

  “Well, sweetheart,” Jan replied, biting his lower lip. “You never asked.”

  ***

  Jan didn’t want to leave Morgan and Riley alone. He didn’t want them to bond, because bonding meant they could talk about Jan, and that either one of them would find out stuff the other wasn’t supposed to know. That was why his heart dropped when Riley asked Morgan to stay and watch the movie with them. Now that he was staying, though, Jan was squeezed between the two of them as they talked about mundane shit and he didn’t think he ever had felt so happy. Riley had been right. They needed time to bond, without worrying about Trevor or about their mom. Jan had always known that Riley felt guilty about what had happened, though it made no sense to Jan. If Riley had been a couple of years older, things would have been a little easier for him, but they wouldn’t have been easy.

  “So,” Morgan said, leaning back and sipping on the soda Jan had offered him earlier. “What do you do, Riley? Jan mentioned something about you going to school?”

  “Yeah,” Riley replied. “I’m enrolled, actually, but I get to go to school on their dime because I’m going to be a doctor.”

  “Oh, battlefield doctor? That’s serious stuff,” Morgan said.

  “Yeah,” Riley said, shrugging his shoulders. “I mean, medicine has been a big part of my life for a while now. It wasn’t my first choice, but I couldn’t exactly ask Jan to put me through school for Fine Arts.”

  Jan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, you could have.”

  “See what I mean? The worst part is he would have said yes,” Riley replied.

  Jan opened his mouth to say something. As far as Morgan was concerned, Jan was a waiter looking for an internship. He needed to intercept somehow. Before he could say anything, though, Morgan was speaking, his gaze firmly on Jan. He smiled, too, which made Jan feel even worse. He probably thought that looking after Riley took a lot more effort than it actually did. “That’s really sweet.”

  “Thank you,” Jan replied, hoping desperately that he could change the topic. “But it’s not. No one should have to be something they don’t want to be. Right?”

  Riley chuckled. “The worst part is that he’ll do it with a smile on his face,” Riley replied, completely ignoring Jan. “And then when I try to do anything for him, he’ll be like, oh no, that’s totally unnecessary. He’s stubborn.”

  Morgan creased his brow, his smile widening. “Yeah, I’ve noticed that.”

  “Can you guys stop talking about me as if I’m not here? I’m right here,” Jan said, his cheeks red.

  “Sorry,” Riley replied. “It’s just, I think this is the first one of your boyfriends that you’ve ever introduced me to. And I want to help you, because again, out of your league.”

  “Thanks,” Jan said. “Maybe don’t help me, though?”

  “Am I embarrassing you? Best trip ever,” Riley replied, grinning.

  Jan groaned, which made Morgan laugh.

  “Don’t listen to him,” Jan said. “He has no idea what he’s talking about.”

  “Except I’m, like, the person who knows you best in the world,” Riley said. “So yeah, you’re right. I have no idea what I’m talking about.”

  “Well, for starters,” Jan said. “Morgan is definitely not the first one of my boyfriends I ever have introduced you to.”

  “He is, though,” Riley replied, tut-tutting. “Saying to Mom that you were happy to babysit me, and then bringing over one of your friends, who you blatantly were sleeping with, does not actually mean you introduced me to them.”

  “You knew?”

  “Yes,” Riley chuckled this time. “Yes, of course I knew. You weren’t as discreet as you thought.”

  Jan shook his head. “Yeah, actually… that explains a lot.”

  Morgan cocked his head. “It does?”

  “Yep,” Jan said. “I came out when I was about seventeen and the first person I came out to was Riley. Even though he was, I don’t know, twelve?”

  “Eleven,” Riley replied. “I was going to go get myself another drink, but I really want to hear you tell this story.”

  Jan shook his head. “I don’t—”

  “Please,” Morgan said. “I really want to hear it.”

  “Okay,” Jan said, exhaling. “So, I was seeing this guy. His name was Landon. He was someone I had met at school. He was really nice. We were both seniors and he was out. I was kind of out. Like, people knew I only went out with guys, but I never had declared it or anything. Anyway, he was gay and, against all odds, really popular. He was also part of my friend group. Do you remember him, Riley?”

  “Yeah,” Riley replied, nodding. “He always wore scarves, didn’t he? Like, those thin blue ones…”

  “Yep, that’s the one,” Jan said. “So, what happened was, we went out on a few dates and he invited me over to his house for dinner. It was really nice; his parents were lovely. He lived in a Brownstone.”

  Riley looked up at him. “He was rich? What was he doing in the Bronx?”

  “He’d got kicked out of prep,” Jan replied, shrugging his shoulders. “His siblings were still there. I don’t know how it worked. His mom was rich, his dad lived in the Bronx, and so he enrolled with his dad’s address. There was something sketchy going on there. All I know is that he didn’t want to go to school in the same district that his prep school was in.”


  “Private school,” Riley explained to Morgan. “Really fucking expensive. Prestigious, too. Feeder for the Ivy League.”

  “Right,” Jan said. “So, his family is really nice, which I thought would be weird because, obviously, I’m this public-school kid. But they’re, honestly, like, some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. I haven’t met his dad yet, and he tells me his dad is nice, too. So, he invites me to this dinner with his dad, his stepmom and his little sister. Now, of course, I’m going to do this, right? But, at that point, I will have had dinner with all of his family and he still hasn’t met any of mine. So, I need to invite him to dinner. I need to. I know that because he literally tells me that he won’t date anyone who isn’t out of the closet yet. I don’t think being half out of the closet counted, at least not as far as he was concerned. And he expected me to take him over to my house and introduce him as my boyfriend, not just as a friend. Which, really, was the least I could do.”

  “So, he decides to tell his eleven-year-old brother first,” Riley said, laughing.

  “Well, it wasn’t exactly an easy decision,” Jan said. “I always thought that Riley would be okay with it, but he was so young. I didn’t even know if he would know what it meant when I told him I was gay. I thought my mom probably knew but Trevor—that was harder. I still wanted Trevor to adopt me when I turned eighteen, and I was really worried he wouldn’t want to do it because I was gay.”

  “Which is ridiculous,” Riley added, raising his eyebrows. “Dad was awesome.”

  “Yeah, Trevor was great,” Jan said. “I just thought—I don’t know. I was scared. You know that my dad was terrible and it was the first time I ever felt like I had had one.”

  Morgan pursed his lips. “Like you had what?”

  “A father,” Jan said. “I know now that it was kind of stupid but, at the time, I was a scared teenager and there was nothing I wouldn’t have done to make sure Trevor wanted to be around me. Which was so stupid because, again, Trevor was great. So anyway, I decided the best way to approach this was to tell Riley. I can’t remember my logic, I think it was that if Riley was okay with it, then Trevor would be okay with it.”

  “But I was eleven,” Riley said, chuckling.

  “Right,” Jan said. “He was eleven. And I was an idiot. So, I cornered him one day and told him I was gay. He asked me what it meant, so I explained it to him. He said ‘Oh, okay.’ That was all he said.”

  Morgan cocked an eyebrow. “That’s it?”

  “Yup, that was also my reaction,” Jan said. “I don’t know what I expected. He was a kid. Of course he wasn’t going to think it was a big deal.”

  Riley smiled. “I never knew that was why you told me.”

  “Well, it wasn’t just that,” Jan said, twisting his lips. “If you hadn’t been okay with it, I think I would have been devastated. I guess I just never thought you wouldn’t. You looked up to me then.”

  “Yeah, things change,” Riley replied, winking at him.

  “Looking back, I can see you didn’t react poorly to it because you already knew. How long did you know? Before I came out?”

  Riley tilted his head and closed his eyes. “I’m not sure. I think I never thought you were into girls. It just seemed wrong that you would be…”

  “Well, I’m not,” Jan replied, shrugging. Then he glanced at Morgan, who looked so gorgeous sitting there, listening to Riley and Jan speaking to each other. “Obviously.”

  Morgan smiled. “That’s a sweet story.”

  “It’s just kind of silly,” Jan said. “I didn’t realize everyone knew.”

  “Okay,” Riley said. “I’m going to go get myself that drink now. Does anyone want anything from the kitchen?”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Morgan ended up staying the night. He hadn’t meant to do so, but after Jan offered him a drink and Riley kept topping it off, he was in no condition to drive himself home. He knew the next day at work would be hard, but he had just barged into Jan’s house and demanded his attention, something he knew he shouldn’t have done. It was, after all, incredibly impolite to show up at someone’s house unannounced when he could have easily communicated with him beforehand. And he had been so stupid about it, too. The moment he had seen Riley, every rational thought had flown out of his head. He had acted like a child. Even then, Jan had welcomed him into his home and introduced him to his family.

  Morgan knew he owed Jan one hell of an apology. Especially because he had drunk far too much and Jan had prompted him into bed, taken his shoes off, then the rest of his clothes. He put a blanket over him, then put a glass of water and a jar of painkillers on the nightstand next to him. Jan had slept over the blanket, his arm wrapped around Morgan. Morgan wasn’t sure what time he had joined him in bed, but it had to have been late, because Morgan opened his eyes and looked out the window and all the lights in the apartments nearby were already off. Jan closed the blinds, stripped, put his pajamas on and then went to bed. Morgan watched him in a haze, loving the fact that everything about the night seemed entirely domestic.

  It was certainly small and the shared bathroom that Jan pointed him to didn’t seem to be finished, but the shower worked, even though it took forever to get hot water. Morgan stopped thinking about Jan’s bathroom pretty soon when he realized he didn’t have anything to wear for work. He stepped into Jan’s bedroom and was about to say something to that effect when he noticed there were clothes on the bed and Jan was playing on his phone next to them.

  “Hey,” Jan said. “I realized you’d need clothes to go to work, and you don’t have any of your clothes here. These pants are a little big for me, but I think they might fit you. If they don’t, I have another pair. I also think one of these work shirts may be good. You have baby blue, dark red or this light yellow one. I think the light yellow would go best with your eyes.”

  Morgan held back a chuckle, but he smiled. “I don’t usually match my clothes to my eye color.”

  Jan looked away from his phone and up at Morgan. “Sorry. I’m overstepping, aren’t I?”

  “Not really,” Morgan said. “It just feels like you’re trying really hard to take care of me. And I’m not complaining.”

  Jan twisted his lips. “Sorry,” he said. “I guess… I mean, you came here to talk, right?”

  “Yeah,” Morgan replied. “Though I could have done that in so many ways. I’m sorry I was so shitty about it, I think I just let my insecurities get the best of me.”

  “It’s okay,” Jan said, shrugging his shoulders. “I understand. I’m not the easiest person in the world to be with.”

  Morgan cocked his head, creasing his brow. “What do you mean? You haven’t done anything wrong.”

  Jan laughed, but not like he normally did. “That you know of.”

  Morgan wasn’t sure what to make of that. He didn’t think Jan had done anything behind his back, not since the internship thing had happened, and even then, that had barely been a lie. Morgan had massively overreacted to that piece of information. That’s probably what Jan meant, he decided. He was just messing around with him. Morgan deserved that, so he bit his tongue and smiled back at Jan, whose expression softened.

  “I’m sorry if I did go overboard,” Jan said. “I just really don’t want you to get in trouble because of me. I’m starting to think I’m a bad influence.”

  “You’re not a bad influence,” Morgan replied. “You’re not. I’m just… okay, to be honest with you, it’s just been a long time since I’ve had a relationship. And it’s different with you, too…”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well,” Morgan said, walking over to Jan and sitting next to him on the edge of the bed. “My last serious relationship ended right before grad school.”

  “How serious was it? I mean, you’re only twenty-six...”

  “It was serious, Jan,” Morgan replied. “It was very serious. We were on the edge of getting engaged. But it turned out we didn’t want the same things after all, and the feeli
ngs we thought we had for each other—or, I don’t know, at least the feelings I thought I had for him—were maybe not what I thought they were.”

  Jan’s gaze shot toward him. “What do you mean?”

  “It’s kind of complicated,” Morgan said. “I think I wanted to love him a lot more than I did love him. If that makes sense.”

  “Yeah,” Jan said. “I think so.”

  Morgan waved his hand in front of his face. “Anyway,” he continued. “It’s different now. Because with you, I do feel all those things. And that scares me. But I expect that it’ll take a little time for both of us to adjust. I’m okay with that. I just hope that you are, too.”

  “I’m okay with it,” Jan replied. “I’m here for this.”

  “Good,” Morgan said. He looked down at Jan’s lips and kissed him softly on the mouth, stroking his cheek with the back of his hand. He broke off the kiss and smiled, still looking at Jan. “God, you’re gorgeous. I wish I could stay. Do you have work today?”

  “Nope,” Jan said. “I have a couple of days off to get ready for my interview.”

  “Oh, yeah,” Morgan replied. “I talked to Kimber about this. Hopefully you’ll be assigned to my department.”

  “Yeah,” Jan replied, looking down. “Hopefully.”

  Morgan cocked his head. “Hey, what’s wrong? I told you I would help.”

  Jan sighed. “I just hate that I feel like I’m taking advantage of you, that’s all. I told you. Again, I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

  “Asking me to recommend you to a job I think you’re going to be great at is hardly taking advantage of me, babe,” Morgan said. Jan was about to say something, but Morgan stopped him with another kiss. He broke it off and kissed him on the cheek this time. “Listen, let’s talk about this tonight. We’re obviously due for a big one, but I gotta head to work.”

  He jumped up and started to get dressed, grabbing the shirt that Jan had said matched his eyes. Morgan was loving the attention that Jan was giving him and he was going to do his best to play into that.

  “How long is your brother here for?”