He returns a few minutes later and places the baby monitor on the coffee table. Then to my heart’s horror, he sits down beside me.
“She’s out,” he mutters.
I clear my throat. “What are you doing here, Seb?”
He ignores my question. “What was this doing on the bathroom floor?” He holds up the charm bracelet I tossed at the wall after I’d found out he’d left. I don’t answer him. He can figure that out on his own.
He sighs, running a hand through his hair.
“Honestly?” He shakes his head. “I’m here because it’s the only thing that feels right; the only thing I can do. You can’t ignore me, Liv.”
I frown, knowing all too well I can’t ignore him. He’s embedded deep.
He continues, “I can’t let you give up on us, not when you’ve become the very air I breathe.” He leans closer. “You’re mine, and I’m yours. I know I fucked up, but I’m not going anywhere again.” His resoluteness is both annoying and insanely sexy. It doesn’t erase what happened or how I feel, though.
“I told you I don’t know if I can do this anymore,” I whisper and avert my gaze to the couch cushion between us. He moves until there’s no space left between our legs, his hand gently finding its way to the side of my face as his fingers delve into my hair. I raise my gaze to his, my heart tripping over every beat as I get lost in the brown sea of remorse and determination in his eyes.
“You can,” he breathes “I just needed time. I can honestly tell you right now that I’d never do something so stupid ever again.”
I laugh darkly at that, sniffing as traitorous tears run down my cheeks. He swipes at some with his thumbs.
“I promise you. You know Zeke showing up threw me, but him trying to take something that’s become the reason my heart fucking beats? That messed with me so much that I could barely keep my shit together, Liv.” He exhales heavily. “I know he has no plans on leaving. That he’ll be a part of our lives whether I like it or not. I didn’t know how to handle that before, but please believe me now, when I say that I’ve made peace with it, as best I can anyway. I’ve had to, in order to keep you two girls in my life.”
“Oh, you’ve made peace with it?” I ask sarcastically.
He frowns. “Yeah, I know it’s not going to be easy going forward. But I’m committed to this, to us. Nothing he tries to do from here on out will make me doubt us again.”
I pull back, causing his hands fall from my face. I stand and start pacing my living room floor, unable to believe the words coming from his mouth. Not after his actions tore my heart in two so easily.
He rises and comes toward me. “No!” I step back and fling my hands up. “Don’t.” My voice hitches.
He ignores me and gathers me in his arms as I halfheartedly push and slap at him. I need distance, but I also know that I need him more than anything.
“Why? How could you believe I’d do that to us?” I croak as the tears run freely. “I was just stunned. I wouldn’t have … what you saw—”
“Shhhh, I know.” He cuts me off. “I know that now. It was just the final nail, so to speak.” He holds my head to his chest, and I feel his lips at the top of my head. “I’m sorry, so fucking sorry.”
I shove him away and turn to run my shaky hands through my hair.
“Liv,” he pleads from behind me.
I look back at him. “No, okay? Just … no.” My voice is harsh and full of all the hurt he’s caused. “You’ve promised already. You fucking made me believe again.”
His face visibly pales as he stares at me, at a loss for words.
I laugh. “That’s right. You said you’d make me believe again.” I throw a hand out. “Well, well done, Sebastian. Mission accomplished. But please, tell me, was it part of your plan to crush me all over again? Even worse than the first time?”
“Liv,” he rasps angrily. “No.” He shakes his head and comes to me once more.
I stop him with a raise of my hand. “Don’t. Just leave, please Seb. Go already.” I draw in a much-needed breath.
“I’ll give you time.” He ignores my outstretched hand, grabbing both sides of my face as he lowers his head to mine. “But like I told you already. This isn’t fucking over. You trust me; you know you do.” His lips touch mine, and I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing I had more strength to resist a connection of this magnitude.
“You just need to dig deep and find it again. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be right here, waiting. I’m so far in love with you that I really have no other choice. Look at me,” he says firmly. My eyes open involuntarily. “Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t still love me, too.”
I try to blink the tears away. “Love isn’t the problem, Seb,” I whisper.
His shoulders drop, and he stares into my eyes for a minute then kisses my forehead before striding out of the room. My sobs overtake me, and I collapse on the floor as the front door closes behind him.
Leaving me with his words echoing in my ears and causing my thoughts to tumble over themselves so fast I can hardly breathe.
“Jack, my dear friend.” I lift the bottle of Jack Daniels to my lips and kiss it dramatically, feeling ecstatic and relieved to have found this little beauty in my mom’s mini bar. It was hidden well behind some vintage bottles of wine and collecting a shitload of dust, but it’ll do just fine. More than fine, hopefully.
I got home from work only ten minutes ago and barely stepped foot out of the shower before I was slammed upside the head with these fucked-up feelings. Christ, who needs them? I swear to God, maybe I was on to something in my earlier years. Maybe if I’d listened to those stupid alarm bells blaring in my ears every time Liv wanted to take the next step in our relationship, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Feeling like an absolute asshole who’s fucked up more times than I can bear to even think about. And like I need to rip out this stupid thing called a heart from my chest.
“Yo, Z!” someone shouts followed by banging on my mom’s front door. Great, I sigh. Just as I was about to unscrew the lid and get reacquainted with my old pal.
I swing the door open to find Ryan. “Yeah?”
He chuckles, moving in past me and heading to the kitchen. “Fuck, you’re a surly motherfucker these days.”
I close the door and follow him. “Don’t exactly have a lot to be excited about, as you already know,” I remark snidely.
“I dunno,” he says as he takes a seat at the counter. “That little girl of yours is pretty damn cute.” He grins fondly then picks up the Jack to study the bottle, brushing some dust off the sides.
I can’t help but smile. She sure fucking is. The very reason I wake up every morning.
“So …” He puts the bottle down. “I guess you know by now that Seb’s back?”
I rub my jaw, sighing.
“Uh-huh. The fucker showed up at Liv’s house at the butt crack of dawn like he owned the place.”
He frowns. “What do you mean? What were you doing there?”
I shake my head. “It’s nothing like that.” Though I wish like hell it was. “I was on the couch. She got home late the night before after going out with Millie.”
He nods. “Ah, I bet he was real fucking pleased to find you there.”
I chuckle. “To be honest, the dude was on such a mission that he barely spared me a few questions before he was all over Liv.” I shake my head. “I almost expected him to get on his damn knees or some shit. Pussy-whipped motherfucker.”
Ryan scowls. “Man, you know what?”
I shrug, eyeing him. “I don’t really think I wanna know …”
“I’m gonna tell you anyway.” He points at me. “Maybe if you had screwed your head back on sooner and taken a page out of his book, you might not be standing here now. All messed up in the head, angry with the world, and being a shithead.” He drops his hand and raises a brow at me.
I scoff. “Get fucked. I’ve tried as hard as I can with Liv. I’m still trying, just … backing off. And I’m stayi
ng right here. As long as she doesn’t take mister fucking hero back, then I have a feeling she’ll come around.” I shrug. “Only a matter of time, really.” My words ring hollow even to my own ears. But hey, you gotta believe in something, right?
Ryan all out laughs. “Fuck me. Whatever bullshit you’ve been eating for breakfast, I think I need me some of that.”
I growl quietly. “So is there a reason for this visit? Or was it purely to antagonize me?” As if I don’t already have enough of that shit going on in my own brain. Man, why couldn’t he just stay the hell away from my girls? Not that I expected him to. But hey, a guy can dream.
He grins. “Just checking in, man. Thought you might wanna watch the game. Shit’s getting boring now that Beau is chasing Millie’s hard-to-get tail on the regular. Speaking of …” He eyes my mom’s kitchen. “Beau mentioned you’ve looked into leasing out one of the units in his building?”
I nod. “Yeah. Even with Mom being gone all the time for work, I kind of want my own space again.”
He nods. “Understandable. And hey, it’d probably do you some good. Setting down some permanent roots again.”
I agree. We shoot the shit for a while, and I put the Jack away, grabbing us a couple of beers instead. He leaves after watching the game and, thankfully, keeping the conversation on lighter topics.
I decide to call Liv before I start shutting shit down for the night. I lean against the counter as the phone rings in my ear, hoping she’ll pick up. Hating that if she doesn’t, it might be because she’s playing happy family with Seb again.
“Zeke?” Her tired voice answers.
I clear my throat. “Hey, I was just checking in.” I scratch my head, thinking. “Uh, how’s everything going? You doing okay?”
She’s quiet for a beat. “Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks for asking. It’s been a crazy couple of days.” She pauses. “I never thanked you for staying and getting up with Rose. So thanks …” She finishes with a nervous laugh.
“No need to thank me. I’m happy to help out anytime.”
There’s a long stretch of silence as I work up the courage to ask her something that’s been eating at me. Something that I don’t even know if I want the answer to. “Hey, I was wondering. Did you ever get that check I had sent before I came home?”
She sighs in my ear. “Zeke …”
“I’m guessing that’s a yes. It’s okay, you can tell me. I just wanted to make sure it was delivered, I guess.”
Yeah, fucking right. I legit roll my eyes at myself.
“Um, yeah. I got it, thanks.”
She doesn’t elaborate. So naturally, I keep digging. “I know it wasn’t much in the scheme of things, especially with everything I’ve done. Lord knows you deserve so much more—”
She cuts me off. “I tore it up and threw it out.”
My eyes widen. I knew it. I mean one look at my bank account confirmed it. I don’t know why I asked. I guess I just wanted to find out why she didn’t take the money. And a tiny part of me wanted to make her sweat for a minute, which only makes me hate myself that little bit more.
“I’m sorry, Zeke. I just … well, I don’t feel comfortable taking your money yet. I’m happy for you to help out in other ways for now, though …” she trails off.
I nod even though she can’t see me. “I get it. All good.”
“I’ll need diapers for a long time to come, and you’ve seen what formula she drinks. If you could keep picking up those kind of things every now and then, it would help a ton,” she says meekly. As if offering me some way to help might soothe the blow I know I deserve.
“Right. I’ll make sure to keep doing that.” And I will. I mentally add grabbing some more shit to the to-do list for tomorrow after work.
“I’ll see you this weekend?” she asks.
“You bet. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. How’s our girl?”
I can almost hear her smile through the phone as she tells me about Rose and how her day was.
After another awkward silence, I’m shocked stupid by what she says next.
“I know, in your own way, you probably think you’re still in love with me. That you won’t be able to stop until you have me back. I know you, Z.” She sighs. “But please, listen to me when I say it won’t work.” I wince at the sincerity ringing from her firm tone. “No matter where I end up or who I end up with in future, I can’t go back. Those feelings have changed. Some part of me will probably always love you, but it’s not big enough for me to want to act on it anymore.”
I knew this. Damn it, I did.
But being the idiot I am, I’m clinging to that small part that she says still loves me. Even if that just means she cares about me, I know one day, she’ll get caught up in a memory of us. Of how we used to be. And I’ll be ready and waiting when she sees me like she used to.
She’s my end game. My first and only love besides our baby girl.
“I know. I thought we could try on this friends thing for size,” I lie with a chuckle. “Can you give me that much, at least?”
She laughs. “Hmm … I don’t see why not.”
I grin until she adds on, “Strictly friends only, though, Zeke.”
“Scouts honor,” I say seriously.
She laughs again. “You were never a Boy Scout, dude. Ever.”
I grin again. “I’ll be anything you want me to be, bestie.”
She guffaws. “Okay, back it up a bit there. I’ll see you Saturday.”
“That you will. Later, Liv.”
“Bye, Zeke.” She hangs up, and I slowly pull the phone away from my ear. Wondering why I feel like shit and, yet lighter from that conversation, at the same damn time.
I take a seat at my usual booth in the back. It’s Saturday, and Zeke has Rose. I actually dropped her off at his place before coming to The Shed. He seems to be prepared and even has a crib, so I guess it’s time to take that trust a little bit further. Besides, I don’t think it’s ideal to have him over every weekend anyway. I meant what I said when I agreed to be friends. But given our history, I think it’s best not to get too close or make it too weird for either of us by having him hang out with us every weekend.
“Hey, Liv. Usual?” Maple snaps me out of my daze.
I nod and order for Wilma, too. She should be here any minute, hopefully. It’s not like her to be late even if it is the weekend.
“How’s that gorgeous hunk of man meat doing?” Maple pretends to fan herself with her notepad.
I laugh, assuming she’s talking about Seb before I remember that I wouldn’t actually know. It’s been a few days since he was over at my place.
I settle on shrugging. “Uh, yeah … Good.” I force a smile.
“You’re so fucking lucky, my God.” She tucks her notepad in her apron and turns on her heel. “If you ever get done with that, I also don’t give a damn about sloppy seconds. Just sayin’,” she hollers over her shoulder as she walks away.
I snicker and shake my head. Though I don’t think I’ll ever truly be done with him. He’s cemented himself as a permanent part of me, leaving me unable to eradicate him even if I wanted to. He made me love him. He made me fall harder than I ever thought I could. So hard that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get back up again. I need him, but I just don’t know how to let go of this hurt.
“Oh, lovely. I’m sorry.” Wilma sits down across from me. “That Herbie Rutherford and his merry gang of idiots cut me off at the only stop sign in town. Spouting some crap about car pollution and yada, yada.” She puts her bag down and gently swipes some hair back off her face. Then she laughs. “They should already know I’m all too happy to argue their asses into a corner anywhere, anytime.”
I grin. “I can’t believe they’d even waste their time.”
She shrugs. “To be honest, I don’t think they thought it was me. My Lexus is at home. Ken parked me in, so I took his Range Rover. Serves him right.”
I gasp. “He’ll have a shit fit when he realizes.”
“Right here, ladies,” Maple says as she approaches and places our mugs down. We thank her and get busy prepping our drinks.
Wilma takes a sip. “Ah, perfection in a mug.”
I nod, taking a sip of my own. “Right?”
“Now, tell me everything.” She eyes me pointedly. Okay, so I’m guessing we aren’t going to be talking about work.
And I do. I tell her what’s happened since Seb came back to town and how confused I am.
“Darling …” She grabs my hand. “Can I be frank?”
I frown. “Since when do you ask first?”
She laughs, the sound causing the few onlookers milling about the cafe to glance over. “You’re so right. Anyway … how do I say it …”
She lets go of my hand and taps her chin for a second. “Get over it.”
I start choking on my last sip of coffee. Fuck, what a waste.
“Excuse me?” I croak and pat my chest.
She hands me a napkin to dab under my watery eyes.
“Build a bridge and climb the shit out of it. Make it your bitch, and simply get over it.”
Someone coughs from nearby. “Oh, mind your business, Paul.” She points at him. “Turn around and drink that ridiculous green sludge you call a hot beverage. Oh, and don’t think we’ve forgotten about the money you still owe on your account, either.” She turns back to me, shaking her head. “Waste of space, that one.” Paul looks startled then quickly averts his gaze back to his trademark herbal tea.
My eyes are still hanging wide open. I’m unsure whether to laugh or be angry.
“You think I should just forgive him? Just like that?” I whisper-hiss.
“Well, I wouldn’t say it was just like that.” She raises a brow at me. “It sounds like you’ve been giving him a little hell since he got home.” She shrugs. “He’s probably suffered enough.”
I don’t respond. I’m more than a little shocked because I thought for sure she’d take my side. Unreasonable is the last thing I thought I was being …
“Look.” She leans forward on her elbows. “I’m not saying you need to go chase him down and simply ignore what happened. But it’s complicated. He had a few reasons for doing what he did. And most importantly, he never planned on staying away.”
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