My Real

by Mallory Grant

  “I told him.”

  “Oh Honey, what did he say?”

  “Nothing, I ran away as soon as I told him. I couldn’t bear to hear what his response would be. It was either going to be him yelling at me for leading him on or worse, no response at all. I just couldn’t bear to hear what he had to say. I just finished packing the last of my things. Are you okay with leaving today?”

  “Sure, come on over, and we’ll leave as soon as you get here.”

  “Thanks. I owe you,” I say quickly as I hang up and shut my trunk. I text the kid next door and ask him if he’ll take Chase out and feed him this weekend as well as next week. He’s always looking to make a few bucks for his car fund.

  I pull up to Ella’s and she has her suitcases already at the curb. She knows me so well. I hate confrontation. I’m dreading seeing Andrew again, and I’ll do anything I can to avoid talking to him. If Ella hadn’t been ready, he might have caught up with me here. She throws her bags in the trunk, and we’re off.

  “Are you okay to drive?” Ella asks.

  “Yes. I’m sorry I had to rush you out of here so quickly.”

  “It’s fine. Now, tell me what happened,” Ella says as she turns down the radio.

  “We were at the park and these two little boys were playing. He started talking about Emerson having siblings and then he looked at me with such longing in his eyes. I cried and wanted to calmly tell him everything but in the end, I spit it all out, and was out of there before he could react.”

  “If you didn’t wait for him to respond, how do you know his response was going to be bad? He could have said he it didn’t matter to him, or that you could adopt. It’s unfair to run out on him like that.”

  “He wants more kids. I can’t give them to him. Why would he stay with me when I can’t give him what he wants?” I sigh and just stare out the window. After a second, I try to convince myself as much as I am Ella, “I just made it easier for him.”

  “Easier? What about Emerson? Are you really just going to stop seeing her too? That’s not fair to Emerson either. You are supposed to be watching her for the next two months. Are you really going to give him one week notice to find someone new?”

  “You’re my friend. You’re supposed to be on my side,” I say.

  “Darling, I’ll always be on your side, when you’re right. In this instance, you’re wrong. You need to call him,” she urges.

  I think about it for a minute. What would I say to him? I don’t want to hear the hurt in his voice. The hurt that I put there because I can’t give him a baby. I really think this is easier. A clean break. He’s not going to want to hear from me anyway. He’s probably so angry at me. I’ll text him so that he knows he needs to find someone for Emerson. My heart is starting to hurt like it is being crushed. I’m going to miss them both so much.

  I can’t believe she did this to me. I can hardly breathe. I drive over to her house, but her car is not in the driveway. I go into her house anyway just to check.

  “Bailey, damn it. Where are you?” I scream into the empty house. I try both her and Ella’s phones again. Both go straight to voice mail. I send yet another text message to both of them. I am out the door and headed to Ella’s house to find her car in her driveway. After I bang on the door for a solid minute her neighbor pokes her head out her door.

  “Ella’s not home.”

  “Do you know where she went?” I ask frustrated.

  “She left a few minutes ago with her friend. She asked me to watch her cat. She said she was headed up to State College a little early for her grad class.”

  They left? How could she just leave without talking to me? She drops a bomb in my lap and then literally runs away for a week.

  I turn to the neighbor yanking my fingers though my hair, “Thank you,” I mutter.

  I get in my car and try calling them both again. Voicemail.

  “Bailey, please call me. I have to talk to you. You weren’t supposed to leave until Sunday night. How could you tell me something like that and then run away? Call me.”

  I throw the phone to the floor and stare at it. I’m not sure how long I sat in Ella’s driveway. My chest is heavy and there is a knot in my throat I can’t swallow away. It all suddenly comes crashing down on me in that instant. She can’t have a baby. How is that possible? She is so young. I am sitting in the driveway in front of my house without even realizing I drove home. I try calling her phone again, still voicemail. I hate that you can dismiss a call on an iPhone now. Stupidest invention ever. I try texting her again.

  Andrew: CALL ME!

  Bailey: It’s Ella. Bailey’s driving. She told me to tell you she doesn’t want to talk to you and that she feels it’s best that you find someone else to watch Emerson for the rest of the summer. I don’t happen to agree with her but she’s not listening to me.

  Andrew: Find someone else? What is she talking about? Tell her to call me!

  What in the Hell. I try calling her again. Voicemail. Damn it Bailey. Answer the phone.

  Bailey: I’m supposed to only type “It’s for the best.” She’s getting mad that I’m interjecting my thoughts.

  Andrew: I am not finding someone else. Tell her to answer the damn phone.

  Bailey: She told me to tell you she doesn’t want to talk to you but she really means she can’t. She’s chicken.

  I call again. Voicemail again.

  Andrew: Ella, please get her to call me. I have to talk to her.

  No response. I wait but when nothing comes back I figured Bailey took the phone from Ella.

  I get out of the car and start pacing in the driveway not sure what to do now. Find someone to watch Emerson. Why? She can’t have a baby, so she can’t watch Emerson. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. My chest is tight again, and I stagger back against my car. I have to put my hands on my knees to brace myself from the sobs that are racking my body. She left me.

  There was no conversation between Ella and me after I took my phone away from her. She was mad at me and her way of showing it was the silent treatment, which was fine by me, because I didn’t wasn’t too happy with her either. I understand that she’s trying to help, but I just don’t want to talk to him. It’ll be too hard.

  Ella is on the phone finding us a place to stay, because the college where we were going to be staying for the duration of the class wasn’t going to be open for another two days. She splurged and got reservations at a spa.

  “I think we both need a little pampering,” she responds as she puts her iPhone in her purse. “We have appointments for massages and facials in one hour and mani pedis tomorrow.”

  “Thank you,” I say as I glance over at her. She smiles, and I know she is over it. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

  “No problem. But you know, I’m not apologizing for interfering, right?”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  I get into my room after our massage and sit on the bed. It was a waste of money, because I have as many knots in my back as in my stomach. The realness of this situation is starting to hit me. My ex-husband left me, because he didn’t want to have a baby with me and now I’ve left my boyfriend, because I can’t have a baby with him. During our first few weeks together, I really hoped that the three of us could be a family, that it would be enough. I hoped that being with him could be the answer to making my life complete. Will my life ever be complete now?

  A melancholy washes over me as I melt into the bed. Jessica’s plans for the night is to go downstairs to the bar and find some men. She is going to have to fly solo, because there was no way I’m moving out of this bed.

  “Get your ass out of bed now,” Ella bellows in my ear after ripping the pillow from the top of my head.

  I peek one eye open to see that sun is filling my room. I ended up crying last night until I could no longer keep my eyes open which would explain why they hurt now and why I have a headache. I still have another day until class starts, maybe if I sleep a little longer. I roll over bringing the pill
ow back over my head.

  “No, you made me come up here with you two days early and you left me hanging last night while you had a pity party for yourself. You’re not going to sit in this bed all day and cry more.” She yanks the second pillow off my head followed by the blankets, then pulls me up out of bed by both arms and shoves me in the direction of the shower. “Get in there, take a shower, and brush your teeth. You are taking me out to breakfast.”

  Emerson has been staying at my mom’s house all week. I called in and told my boss I have the flu. I’ve been in bed now for days. I can’t make myself get up. I just can’t believe Bailey she left me. I had everything planned out. In September when Emerson started school, I was going to suggest we sell Bailey’s house, so she could move in with us. As soon as the divorce was finalized, I was going to propose, then marriage, babies and a life together. But now that’s all over.

  “Andrew Michael this room stinks,” my mother hollers as she walks into my bedroom.

  “What are you doing here Mom? It’s almost midnight? Where’s Emerson?”

  “Your neighbor called me, because she’s worried about you. My friend is at my house with Emerson. What is the matter with you?”

  “She left me.”

  “Who? Bailey? Child, she went away for a class. She’ll be back in a few days.”

  I hand my mom my phone to show her the last text I got from Bailey a few hours ago.

  Bailey: Andrew, I’m sorry. Find someone to watch Emerson for the rest of the summer.

  “I don’t understand,” my mom says handing back the phone. “I thought you were getting along great with Bailey. Emerson loves her.”

  “We were. We went to the park last week, and I mentioned giving Emerson siblings. She started crying and saying something about being sick or something,” I sit up in bed as I continue to explain what happened. “She ran away from me so fast I couldn’t catch up. I don’t even understand half of what she told me. The only thing that was clear was that she can’t have babies.”

  “Why didn’t you call her and get this straightened out?”

  “I’ve been trying for days to call her. She won’t answer.”

  She sits down on the edge of my bed. “Do you love her?”

  “You know I do.”

  “Do you care that she can’t have your baby?”

  “No. We can adopt or hire a surrogate mother. Hell, I don’t even know if she wants more kids. If she doesn’t want them, then Emerson doesn’t get a sister or a brother. I don’t care. I just want her.”

  “Then why are you lying in bed? Why aren’t you trying to talk to her?”

  “She left me, mom.”

  “Honey, a woman losing her ability to have a baby is a big deal. This is not something she shared with you lightly,” she explains as she stands and starts picking my dirty clothes up from around the room and putting them in the hamper. “You said you were talking about the fact that you wanted Emerson to have siblings. She probably feels awful for not being able to do that for you. It may even make her feel like less of a woman.”

  “Less of a woman? Just because she can’t have a baby. I don’t care about that. I love her.” I explain as she pulls my gym bag out of the closet.

  “Then you need to tell her that,” she answers as she throws my bag at me.

  “What is this for?”

  “For you to pack. You have a long drive to Penn State ahead of you. You go get your girl.”

  She’s right. Why did I let her run away? Why am I not doing more to talk to her? I was out of the bed and in the shower before my mom was out my front door, and was on the road within the hour. It’s Thursday night and I have a four hour trip ahead of me. If I’m lucky, I can make it there before she leaves for class in the morning.

  All the way there, I try to run though everything that I want to say to her. She needs to realize all the reasons I love her and the reasons we should be together.

  “Bailey, would you snap out of it? You’ve been moping around all week long and frankly, I’m getting tired of it. You brought this on yourself, and you can end it all with one phone call.” Ella lectures me as we walk across campus to our final day of grad class.

  “I don’t know what to say to him.”

  She stops dead in the middle of the sidewalk, turns me around, and holds my shoulders in place. “It’s not a matter of what you need to say to him. You need to let him respond and ask questions,” she drops her arms as she continues. “You’re not being fair to him by saying something like that and running away. You’re also not being fair to yourself. You could be running away from the perfect man, because you’re afraid he might reject you. In the very least, you need to hear him out,” she finishes and turns me around to see Andrew sitting on a bench ahead of us. He stands and puts his hands in his pockets when he sees us.

  “What’s he doing here?” I ask terrified that I have to face him.

  “He texted me last night and said he was on his way up here to talk to you. I told him I’d deliver you to that bench and give you plenty of time to talk before class started. I’m going to get a bagel and a coffee from the café. Go. Listen to what he has to say.”

  “Bitch.” I said lovingly as I hugged her.

  “I love it when you swear at me,” Ella answers before walking away.

  I stand rooted in my spot for what seemed like hours. I can’t make myself move. Andrew walks toward me.

  “Hi Bailey. I’ve missed you so much,” he says as he gets closer.

  My face blushes, and I quickly look down. What am I going to say to him?

  “Come sit with me. I practiced this speech all the way up here so you don’t have to say a word.” He takes my hand, and walks me over to the bench, pulling me to sit next to him.

  “First, half of the things that you said to me in that park, I didn’t understand, so you’re going to have to explain them a little slower. The part that I did understand, about the baby, you ran off before I could respond. Would I love for Emerson to have siblings? Sure. I’ve always imagined myself with a bunch of kids.”

  I look down at our hands, still intertwined in each other. I’m a nervous wreck. This is the reason I hate confrontations. My mind can’t catch up with what I want to say. I open my mouth to start apologizing, but he continues quickly.

  “I’ve also always pictured myself married to the same woman for the rest of my life and look how that turned out. It never crossed my mind to leave you, because you couldn’t carry my child. It wasn’t until my mom explained what you might be going through that I realized that there was no need for this break up. I came all this way to tell you what I would have told you in that park if you’d have given me one minute to process. It doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care if we don’t have any children together, if we adopt a baby, or if we go through a surrogate mother. As long as you are by my side, I will be the happiest man alive.”

  “But you want to have more children. I can’t give that to you.”

  “People can change their dreams if it means they get to keep the ones that mean the most to them, Bailey. My new dream includes you. If that means it’s just the three of us, then that’s our dream.”

  I am fighting back the tears that are forcing their way though. I thought I was all cried out. The difference now is that they are happy tears. I’m at a complete loss for words. I really thought that he wouldn’t want me, because I am defective. Who signs on to be with a woman who is broken? This man. I am overwhelmed with emotion and running out of time before my class starts.

  “Listen, I know you have class. I will meet you right here when it’s over. I’m taking you and Ella out to dinner tonight. We can talk about this more tonight.” He stands and takes my hands to pull me up. Placing his hands on my cheeks, he says, “Have fun in class.” He pulls me into a hug and then places a single kiss on my nose before turning me around and sending me off to class.

  Oh, how I love this man.

  I’m sitting on the bench waiting for Bailey to
come out of class. I have flowers and a gift bag sitting next to me. She never got the full dating experience from me. We just kind of jumped in feet first, so I’m going all out. Actually, come to think of it, Dave never gave her the full romantic experience either. We all just started hanging out together, and they just fell together, too.

  Ella texted me at lunch time and said that she was going to drive Bailey’s car home right after class, so I shouldn’t expect her to come out to dinner with us. I asked the older lady at the flower shop for some suggestions for a fancy place to eat. I walked past some of them, because I knew Bailey wouldn’t be comfortable at a stuffy expensive restaurant. I found a romantic little place downtown and made reservations. My last stop was to a store to find a dress for her to wear. In doing wash together, I’ve quickly come to learn that she likes the clothes at New York and Co, so I went in and threw myself at the mercy of the sales lady.

  I was done with that all way too fast. I walked around town a little bit and found myself in a jewelry store. That little gift, I have tucked away in my glove compartment of my car. Bailey is still not ready for that today, but it’s going to come sooner than I had originally planned. Being away from her this week and the way that it happened has shown me many things. First, I need make sure I let her know exactly how I am feeling. No more waiting. And second, I had fallen harder than I thought I had for this girl.

  “I’m so glad that class is over. That was the longest week of my life,” I sigh as I pack up my iPad and notebook.

  “That had nothing to do with the class. If someone wouldn’t have been so thick headed and listened to me in the first place, we could have had a lot more fun up here.”

  “I’m surprised you just didn’t come out and say ‘I told you so.’ But, I will for you, you were right. I should have listened to you from the start.”