Beautifully Broken (The Beautiful series Book 1)

by Tara Lee

  I look up to the window again. She moves around her apartment, busies herself with something before she picks up a book and sits in front of her window. Can she see me? God, I want her to. She moves before I blink and then closes her blinds. I’m the asshole, the one who took away her smile. I stole her light!

  When I heard about her mother passing away, it crushed me at first. I didn’t want to believe it. We’d just spoken, how could that be possible? But with time I knew it was true when Jaxon called me to tell me about her funeral. I had held the phone to my chest in hopes it was all a bad dream. I had grabbed a bottle of whiskey to numb the pain, drank the entire bottle before I passed out on my couch, and woke to a missed call from Luna and a text saying: I need you. I wanted to call her so bad but I knew I couldn't. I was drunk, and she’d figure that out pretty quickly. I didn’t want her to think the worst of me, she already did, adding more to it wouldn’t do either of us any good.

  But I knew one thing: I had to go home and see her.

  I'd been one town over with a friend, crashing, constantly getting high. Nothing new for me, but the day she walked away may have changed my life forever, because it finally opened my eyes. It just took me some time getting there. It wasn’t an easy path— no, it was lots of stops and starts and attempts to stay clean, but I finally fucking did it, and I can’t wait to show her the new me.

  The clean version of me is the one I know she loves more. After we’d broken up for what seemed like the hundredth time, she’d walked out and stayed out of my life. When I stood at the trees only meters away from her, the pain that covered her face shattered my heart. I’d gotten drunk to hide my own pain, because other than Luna, Lacey was the only other person who believed in me. She’d told me once that, “Our pasts don’t define who we are, we define who we are.” That had always stuck with me, and once I had aged out and had to move out of the place I had shared with Luna for six years, I'd felt lost not seeing her every day, but being with her in secret, keeping our relationship from her parents was a challenge I had boldly taken.

  Until we couldn’t hide it any longer.

  I’d figured out pretty quickly that Jaxon and Lacey Hawkins weren’t stupid. They knew things I didn’t. They somehow had this way of finding out even the smallest of things, especially about me. Not that I hid a lot of it, but somehow, they knew I’d done something before I even got home. I used to hate it, but after moving out, I kind of missed it. Stupid how things work.

  I lift my leg over my bike and run my fingers through my already messed- up hair. I'd been sitting here for over an hour just watching her, I swear, to anyone walking past, I'd look like a creeper, but I wasn't. I swear I was just here to win my girl back. Because pasts be damned, she was mine.

  Through everything we had been through it wouldn’t change a damn thing. I need Luna to give me a chance to hear me out. I wasn't so sure she’d tell me to get lost because Luna was stubborn, always has been, and strong, God, she was so fucking strong. She’s put up with so much from me over the years, it was a wonder she hasn’t gone insane. With the secret I now hold, I’m not so sure once she finds out,how quickly she’ll turn me away again.

  I had only stumbled upon it a month ago. I was still processing it myself, trying to figure out what the hell it means. Is my future now out of my hands? But I’ll beg and beg her if I have to. Winning her back was the only thing I cared about. Would she see me differently once she found out who my father was— my real father? What blood runs through my veins, what the man who had helped in creating me did.

  I still couldn’t believe it myself when I stumbled on the letter with my name scrawled on top, what the hell did it mean? My life was a lie, everything I knew was a lie, except Luna, she was the only real thing in my life. The only real thing I crave. Pasts and secrets aside, Luna is mine, and the sooner she realizes that, the sooner I could make her mine— again.

  Coming here may have been a mistake, because it led him to me knowing he had given me and my brother over to two strangers to raise us. Him not preparing us for the future he wanted for us left me angry- God, I’m so fucking angry. Not only for him leaving us in that shithole he called our home, but for the future he now wants me to partake in. Does he not understand I want no part of it, that I already had my life planned out? Luna is a part of my future, not the future he wants for me.

  Running my fingers through my hair again, I shake off the nervous pit in my stomach and I go to the door, searching for her name. There it is, in big bold letters. Game time, Ethan.

  I let out a deep breath and hold the buzzer down. It feels like forever before I hear her sweet voice through the speaker box.

  “Hello.”

  God, I’ve missed your voice, baby bird.

  “Baby bird,” I say, knowing she’ll know exactly who it is.

  “E-ethan.” She gasps.

  I can hear the unexpected shock in her breathing. Yeah I’m here baby.

  “It’s me.”

  “How’d you f-find me?” She stutters.

  “Please can we talk?” I ask, sounding desperate.

  “I d-don't think that’s a good idea,” She says, and then it goes quiet.

  Has she gone?

  Fuck.

  “Luna, please,” I beg, pushing the button again and leaning on the wall, closing my eyes tight.

  I lay my head against the cold box and pray she gives me time.

  “Luna?” I know I shouldn't shout but fuck it, she needs to hear me out.

  “Go away, Ethan.” Her own shouting fills the speaker.

  “Please, I just want to talk, baby let me in, please.” I get a few looks from passing strangers, but I don’t give a fuck, let them look.

  “I’m calling the cops,” She says, and then nothing again.

  Silence fills the air, and all I can hear is my own deep breathing.

  I sigh and push back from the door that’s keeping me apart from her. I need superhuman strength right now to split the door in two so I can get to her.

  I pull at my hair but feel nothing. My heart is torn in two because I want to keep begging her to make her see the new me, but I know I need to give her time. If she thinks once I leave here, that’s it, she needs to think again. There is no fucking way I'm losing her again, not in this lifetime. Fuck, not in the next ten life times.

  I curse under my breath and head for my bike. Once my engine is running, I look up. Luna peeks from behind the curtains.

  “This isn’t over, baby, not by a long shot,” I whisper.

  I drive away, defeated, because knowing she won’t even talk to me makes things hard. I thought at least she’d hear me out. What am I thinking, she hasn’t seen me in four months, and before that she barely saw me after I moved out of her house. She doesn't trust me, but I will earn that trust back if it’s the last thing I do. She can run but she can’t hide forever. Before I realize it, I’m out front of her building again. Stupid, right. Stalker mode anyone.

  I wait outside her apartment. She has to come out sometime, right? I know it comes off as creepy as fuck, but she won’t talk to me through the speaker or let me in, so next best thing surprise her and get her talking. Solid plan. Yeah, not so much. I think I’ve been out here for two hours now. Thank fuck it’s summer in New York and it’s not freezing yet.

  I shake my head at my stupidity, I grit my teeth, and am about to call it a night when I hear the door to her building opens and out walks my girl, in a flowing dress that hugs every curve just right. Okay, I’m only going by what she looks like under the lights, but if it’s like anything I remember, it’s fucking perfection.

  I slowly follow her. I try to keep my distance, for now at least. I don’t want to startle her. She heads to a corner store, and one guess as to what she’ll buy. The thing is, Luna is obsessed with Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. I mean, to the point I nearly thought that’s all she would eat forever. She walks back out, bag in hand, and my guess was right. Inside is an ice cream container. I inch closer to her, pic
king up my pace. I'm not as patient as I thought I was to talk to her. It's been way too long.

  “Baby bird.” I call out.

  Luna stops on the spot. She doesn’t turn around. I can tell she’s hesitant; I can only imagine the look on her face right now. Her shoulders sag, and she dips her head back, I’m by her side in three long strides,resting my hand on her lower back, and she shivers under my touch. Yeah, that’s what you do to me, too baby. I want to tell her.

  “What are you doing, Ethan, I thought I told you.—”

  “Yeah, I know you don’t want to talk, but just hear me out, Luna, please,” I beg.

  She storms off, and I reach her before she gets too far ahead.

  “Ethan, I swear to God, let go of me.” She yells and tries to pull her arm from my grip.

  But I’m not letting her go that easy.

  “I just want to talk, baby bird.” I hiss through clenched teeth.

  “You're a son of a bitch, Ethan.” She slaps me hard.

  I grab her hands as I push her to the alley blocking us from prying eyes. I hoist her arms above her head, and she cries out. Anger seeps from her body. She wants to do more than slap me, and I can’t say I really blame her. I was an asshole, I am an asshole. Our foreheads touch. Sweat beads down mine, and I try to keep it from touching her as Luna tries to shove me off her. She has every right to hate me. Fuck I hate me nothing will ever make it right.

  I want to hide her away from the world and keep her as mine.

  “I’m not done, baby bird.”

  “Don’t say that, don’t you dare say that to me.” Luna breaks her hand free and claws at my face and neck.

  I growl as I hold her wrists above her head tighter this time. My hand wraps around her delicate skin and I know she’ll probably bruise. She glares at me with rage in her eyes, maybe a little bit of hatred as well. I’m sure if she had her hands free, she’d claw me to death with her nails, just like Freddy Kruger.

  “Fuck, you.” She spits at me. “You have no right, no right to be here Ethan.”

  Tears well in her gorgeous eyes, and it kills me, it fucking kills me to see her this broken. I release one of her hands, but it’s a mistake. She goes for my face as soon as I do. I grab her hand again, keeping her from clawing my face off. Fuck, she’s gotten stronger.

  “Just listen to me, Luna, please.” I ask her, I actually plead.

  “No” she screams.

  A growl escapes my throat. I clench my teeth. “God darn it, Luna.”

  She blinks at me, with her eyes full of disdain.

  “I hate you,” She bites back.

  “ I love you,” I say, out loud because it’s the truth. I love Luna, always have, always will. I’ll die loving her.

  “If you loved me, you would have been here, Ethan.” She almost chokes on the sob that escapes her throat.

  “I was here.”

  “No, you were not, you were off getting high, not giving a shit about me and my feelings.” she cries.

  Fuck, she has me there.

  I curse and let her go. I step back, run my fingers through my hair. This is fucked up. All kinds of fucked up. Will we ever be okay?

  “I know.” I swallow the lump in my throat.”I know I fucked up, okay? I should never have let you walk out that door, I should have fought for you, for us.” I swallow the lump building in my throat. Yelling- this is us, what we do best.

  “I’m not here to pick a fight with you, Luna.”

  She rolls her eyes, and I hate that it makes me crack a smile.

  “I promise, Luna, I’m a changed man, all that’s in the past.”

  “How do I know you're telling the truth?” She asks.

  “You can check my arms. I haven’t used in months, baby, I swear to you.” I tell her as I lift the sleeve of my henley shirt, revealing no needle marks, nothing but my tats.

  She looks at my arms, inspecting them carefully.“Just because there are no marks there, doesn’t mean you haven’t been using. I know you, Ethan. You won’t change,not even for me.”

  Woah. Back. The. Fuck. Up. Come again?

  I ball my fists up in anger. “That’s where you're wrong, baby bird, you're the only person I would change for, the only one I have changed for. Give me a second chance to show you.”

  “I’ve given you a second, Ethan, and a third and fourth. How many more do you deserve?”

  Tears roll down her cheeks, and my own build. I came here to find her, to win her back. Was it all for nothing?

  “Nothing went to plan, everything went to shit, I can’t change that. I never wanted a shitty life, but that’s the card I was dealt, but then I found you and I thought I could make it go away, but no matter how hard I tried or how much I love you, being happy was never in my future. My life is pointless unless I have you. What’s the point of staying in this god forsaken place if I can’t share it with you, baby bird?”

  Her bottom lip trembles with sadness that breaks my heart. I go to reach for her but my hand drops back to my side as I feel the electric current zaps between us. I know she feels it, too.

  “You are so maddening, Ethan.” Luna snaps.

  She takes off, back to her building before I can say anything else.

  I curse. “Fuck.” I clench my teeth and clench and unclenched my fists. I royally fucked that up.

  Fuck, that didn’t go so well.

  She was the light to my dark. Even in the gates of Hell, I’d survive on her light alone.

  Morning comes, and I roll over groaning. My head hurts, and I know it’s my fault, since I'm clean I can’t get high, more like I choose not to. So my next option is to drink, not that I drink all the time, but last night after leaving Luna’s place, unsuccessful, I needed an outlet I had punched a wall in the hall of my building, but that hadn’t helped much, and now that I think about it, my fucking hand kills.

  I look down. My knuckles are black and purple. Great, the last thing I need is a broken fucking hand. I haven’t done this in a long time, not since I was a kid— it was my outlet. It was how I survived my anger; better than going to some therapist that won’t know what to do with me. Same pity story every fucking time. Poor broken Ethan has so much anger inside he needs to let it go. I used to scoff at their words; everyone would tell me to let it go, let Brantley go. Lacey was the only person who accepted me for who I was. She was the only mother I knew, and she was gone, taken too soon, and now Luna’s broken like me. She has her own pain to deal with, and me barging in like a bull in a china store isn’t good for her, but I’ve never been good with rules or leaving Luna alone. I left her alone for four months while I sorted my life out. I got clean and stayed away from drugs. Hardest fucking months of my life— not the drug part . Okay, going cold turkey fucking sucked balls, but being without my girl was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, even bigger than losing Brantley, and that shit ruined me. Luna owns me, there is no doubt about it.

  My hand throbs, and I grab some painkillers, get a glass of water, and swallow them whole, gulping it all down.

  No time to throw myself a pity party. Guess I’ll have to toughen up.

  Bishop will kill me.

  Bishop had taken me in when I moved here looking for Luna. He'd give me a place to crash and a job without questions. I’d met him at a bar. He told me I looked like shit and could use a fucking shower and maybe a haircut. We became fast friends. Maybe once he found out who I really am, he’ll kick me to the curb, too. That’s what I was used to, people giving up on me, leaving me behind. My life isn’t meant to be anything happy, just darkness and pain.

  I owe him a lot but if I couldn't hold the ink gun properly to do my job, he’d tell me to go find something else. He’s a take-no-bullshit kind of guy and was fucking scary when he wanted to be. No one messed with him, that was for sure. Heck I was pretty sure once he saw my hand, I'd end up with a black eye to go with it.

  I have the quickest shower known to man and grab a protein bar to eat before heading out, when I enter th
e shop, Bishop looks up from his post at his desk in back and shakes his head.

  “Guessing it didn't go well with your girl last night?” He asks as I make my way to him.

  That’s another thing, he can read me like a book. I can’t hide jack from him, although I’ve done a pretty good job at hiding who my real father is, for now anyway, at least.

  Bishop tips his head in the direction of my hand. “How’d you do that?”

  I look down and wince.

  “Punched a wall.” I pull my bottom lip between my teeth.

  Bishop sighs.

  “So it went pretty shit then?”

  “You could say that,” I shoot back.

  I slump down in the chair opposite his desk, and he looks me over.

  “You drink last night?”

  I nod.

  “Get high?” He asks.

  I shake my head no. He nods and accepts my answer.

  “Wanted to.” I tell him the truth. And it is the truth, I fought it. Every. Single. Day.

  Something bad happens, or a bad thought would enter my brain, and the first thought is to get high to block it out.

  There was no point in lying to him; he knows me, knows what I had been through. I told Bishop everything, and when I say everything, I mean everything. He knows about the times I tried to kill myself to the times I fought with myself about feeling more for Luna and than sinking into her tight pussy. I may have kept the glory details to myself. I mean, I’m not sharing that shit, but he knew the demons I faced, knowing she was underage and I could possibly be killed by Jaxon or thrown in jail. Fuck, he even knew about my piercing, the one I hoped Luna would appreciate when I got to sink into her again.