Once Written, Twice Shy (The Broken Men Chronicles)

by Decevito, Carey

  We hadn’t been half-way through our morning meal when my cell’s shrilling ring-tone filled the air. I gave Alissa an apologetic look, got up and kissed her on the top of her head. “I’ll be right back,” I said. She nodded and I rushed to take the call to which I didn’t recognize the number to. “Hello?”

  “Paxton, it’s Julie,” she said.

  One word summed her tone: panic.

  “What’s happened?”

  The woman broke down. Worry overwhelmed me. Had something happened to Jasper, to her, maybe it was about the baby? My empathic nature was wreaking havoc on my reasoning and sense couldn’t be made with the lack of information.

  I gave the woman a minute to get her bearings and then repeated myself. “Julie, I can’t guess. What’s going on, what’s wrong?”

  “It’s Jasper, Paxton, he’s in the hospital,” she said.

  My butt hit the couch’s arm rest. “What?” I asked. “When, what happened?”

  “We had to come back home last night because he wasn’t feeling well and then he started acting weird, complained of a headache. He could barely walk, Pax. I gave him medicine for the fever but it didn’t work. There was nothing I could do. The doctors don’t seem to know anything right now either. They’re running tests to see what it could be but it’s all they’re telling me.”

  “And you’re just calling me now?” I asked with fury. “I’m coming back.”

  “Back? Back from where? Where are you Paxton?”

  “It doesn’t matter. Why’d you wait until now to call me?” I asked again. “I’m on my way.”

  “Okay,” she said.

  Silence filled the line for a few beats. “Julie, he’s going to be fine, right?”

  “Pax, just get here.” She sniffled. “I’ve got to go.”

  I shut my phone and let it drop to the floor. I had to get back home and fast.

  “Is everything alright?” Alissa asked, making me jump at the sound of her voice. I’d been sitting there with my head hanging in my hands as I tried to make sense of what Julie had told me.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled and lifted my head to face her.

  “Oh my, God, Paxton! What’s wrong?” She rushed to me. I hadn’t realized that I’d been crying until her fingers swept across my cheeks and came away glistening.

  My mind was playing tricks on me, causing me to presume the worst. No news from a doctor wasn’t a good thing when it came to finding a diagnosis. Not in my opinion.

  She cradled my head into her chest and wrapped her arms around me. A gentle hand rubbed my back as I clutched onto her for support I hadn’t a clue I needed so desperately.

  “That was Julie…it’s Jasper, Allie,” I said and I felt her tense up in my arms. “He’s in the hospital and he’s very sick. The doctors don’t know what it is yet.”

  “You have to go back, Pax,” she said.

  I nodded. “He’s never been this sick,” I said. “He’s never been inside a hospital since the day he was born.”

  “I’m sure he’ll be fine in no time,” she said but I could hear the fear in her voice.

  “I’m sorry,” I said again, pulling away with my head bowed.

  “For what, for loving your son and being man enough to be there for him? I can find worse reasons to leave, honey,” she said and tilted my head so she could look me in the eyes. “If you didn’t go, I would question the man you are.”

  “Thank you,” I said. “I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

  “There’s no making up, sweetie, Jasper comes first,” she said and she grabbed my hand to pull me toward the kitchen. I stood rooted to the spot my feet were in and pulled her back to me.

  “I think I love you more this morning,” I said and smiled solemnly before kissing her forehead.

  She rolled her eyes. “Just when I thought it was impossible. Now, let’s get you fed and to the airport, mister.”

  ***

  Five hours later, I entered the hospital lobby with my carry-on bag and the determination to locate my son. I spotted the greeting desk and rushed to it. “Excuse me,” I said, “my son was admitted last night and-”

  “Name please,” she said in a detached manner.

  Can you be any more robotic? “Lowell, Jasper Lowell.”

  The woman typed in the information in her computer and ran a quick scan. I bit my tongue, the urge to tell her to hurry up a little too potent and then she looked up. “He’s in the pediatric unit. Just go down this hall, take the elevator on your right to the third floor and the nurse at the desk will be able to help you from there,” she said, pointing in the direction I should take.

  Nodding my appreciation, I took off as quick as my feet could take me without breaking into a run.

  Jasper was sleeping. His tiny four-year-old form was as white as the sheets that covered him. If it weren’t for the shiny gleam of sweat glistening on his forehead and the beeping of the monitoring devices, he’d look like Death had taken him. Todd had his arms wrapped around Julie by the room’s window, their backs to me. I cleared my throat as I approached.

  “Where the hell have you been, you said you’d be right over,” Julie accused. Her eyes were puffy and her makeup had run down her face.

  “Now’s not the time, Jewels,” Todd said, rubbing her shoulders.

  “No, I want to know,” she said and crossed her arms.

  “I agree with Todd, it doesn’t matter where I was, all that matters is that I’m here,” I said and looked at Jasper.

  My eyes stung for the third time today as tears threatened to spill over. I made my way to him. I grabbed his clammy hand while I sat on the stool beside the bed. Kissing the top of it, I leaned my head on the edge of the mattress.

  After a very silent minute, pregnant with far too much despair and whirling thoughts, none too pleasant or positive, I looked up and over to the other side of the gurney where Todd and Julie were now standing. “Any news since you called me?” I asked.

  Julie shook her head.

  “The doctor should be in soon with the latest test results,” Todd said.

  I pointed to the electrodes hooked up to my son’s now shaved head. “What are all these?”

  “They’re running neurological tests,” Todd said and Julie had begun to cry again.

  I looked at Julie and said, “Am I missing something here? This is worse than you made it seem. This is not just a fever and odd behavior.”

  Before I could be granted an explanation, I heard a throat clearing.

  I turned to face a young doctor and got up to shake his hand. “Mr. Lowell I presume?” he asked. I nodded. “I’m Doctor Messing. I’m the lead on your son’s case.”

  “Doctor, what’s going on?”

  “I’m afraid it’s not good news,” he said and my heart sunk along with my butt which happened to hit the stool I had just vacated. “Based on our current treatment regimen, nothing seems to be working. We can control his fever for the most-part but we needed to run a battery of tests to find out where this fever has come from. We initially thought that Jasper might have dementia but we’ve since ruled it out. I suspected meningitis and with the help of our neurological tests and an extensive review of the basic blood-work, we’ve proven it but I-”

  “Then what’s the problem?” I asked.

  “I’ve never seen a case like this before and before I give you an outright answer, I’d like to confer with my colleagues about my suspicions,” he said.

  “What are your suspicions, Doc?” I asked.

  “I don’t think that Jasper is suffering from meningitis alone, his symptoms are too broad and don’t fall in with the disease’s historical findings. I think we’re dealing with multiple diseases, here,” he said. “Give me until the end of the day, the next twenty-four hours at the most. We’d like to run an MRI as well as perform a spinal tap to help us along with my suspected conclusions. Those results should be in by the time they finish running the rest of the bloods we’ve collected within the last hour, provided
that the lab isn’t overrun. I assure you that we’re being as thorough as we possibly can be.”

  “Do what you have to,” I said but the doctor’s words hadn’t made me feel any better. Meningitis was bad enough on its own. Two diseases? Fuck! Answers were better than nothing but there were still too many holes to really relax and feel reassured that Jasper would be okay. He sure as hell didn’t look it.

  ***

  The day had come to pass and Doctor Messing walked through Jasper’s room’s door. I had watched as multiple medical personnel had come and gone, jotting short notes in his chart, adjusting his fluids, switching parameters on the machines, pushing, poking, prodding at my son like he was some sort of pin cushion. No one had anything to say about his progress or a definitive diagnosis and it wore me to the last of my frayed nerves.

  Inept—the thought of the word, the reality that the definition suited me to a T drove me insane. To not be able to do anything to help Jasper had always been but a blip on my radar where realities were concerned. It was my job as his father to mend all the wounds, to kiss and wipe those tears away and make sure that he smiled. Now, he was just a small mass atop a hospital bed looking like the reaper was well on his way to fetch him, completely at the mercy of an outsider’s professional knowledge.

  “So?” Todd asked as Julie and I got up to stand beside him and face the facts.

  The man’s face was ashen and that’s when I knew that his think tank conclusion hadn’t panned out so well. We had a name to what was plaguing Jasper, in conjunction to his meningitis—Juvenile Myelomonocytic Leukemia or JMML.

  All I had heard was leukemia. That was enough. “Cancer?” My voice cracked.

  Messing nodded. “It’s a disease that is hard to cure and affects children from birth to the age of four, not like the type you often hear about,” he said. “I’m afraid that things are a bit more complicated with the fact that Jasper here has meningitis which is why his symptoms pointed to so many possibilities.” In mere minutes, he’d managed to twist and stomp on my heart as he went on about prognosis, treatment plans, even handing us a pamphlet to leaf through in order to know more about what to expect as the parent of a child with JMML. “I’m sorry. I’ll be here throughout the night should you need me to answer any more questions. I know this is a lot to digest and so I suggest-”

  “Doctor,” I said and Messing turned to face me, “how long does he-” God, I can’t even say the words.

  “With meningitis as a major player here, I won’t lie,” he said, “we need to treat that and get rid of it as soon as possible. The good news is that he seems to be responding well to the treatment so far. If it were strictly the JMML, as rare as this type of leukemia can be for a kid Jasper’s age, seeing as he’s at the top of the age cusp, your son can be around for another few years but that also depends on the aggressiveness of his disease, barring any other complication that could come his way. I’m presenting you with the average life expectancy but know that time could be longer like it could be shorter. No two patients are alike, sir. The important thing to know here is that you have options for treatment, there’s still hope.”

  I nodded and said, “And what about quality of life, will he be stuck here the whole time?”

  “We’ll talk more about it when we get him stabilized on his meds and his meningitis is no longer a threat,” he said. “With JMML, Jasper will be more susceptible to infections as like with most cancer and immuno-challenged patients, which could compromise his progress. I know the reality of having Jasper remain in the hospital is tough to swallow but if it ensures his survival, wouldn’t you want to take that chance? Then again, I’ve seen patients respond incredibly well by being surrounded with what’s familiar to them, especially in the younger age groups so I’ll be sure to keep you posted on when and if he can go home.” Doctor Messing looked at each and every one of us. He knew he wasn’t painting the best of pictures. “Again, I’m truly sorry but as the days go on, we’ll know more about what to expect for your little guy.”

  The man walked out and I walked toward the window.

  I turned and peered at my son’s sleeping form and fought the lump in my throat.

  I couldn’t believe it. I was possibly going to lose my son—my life, my raison d’être—in the worse possible way. He was the little miracle that had always managed to put a smile on my face no matter how grim life could get at times and I might have an accelerated expiry date to the time I could spend with him. Parents should never be able to lose their kids. It’s just not natural.

  “I need some air,” I said to Julie, that lump in my throat had rapidly grown into a thick ball, threatening to choke me altogether. “Will you be okay?”

  She nodded and for the first time since before our separation, she hugged me. We might not have agreed on much, and for that divorce had resulted but there was one thing we both loved unconditionally. It was the little boy lying in that bed, losing his life before us. We clutched at each other, no words needed as we soaked every bit of comfort that we could from the other.

  “I think you should call her,” she said and sniffled. I backed away, shock all too evident on my face as I knew she had meant Alissa. “Don’t look at me like that. Jasper talks about her all the time lately. She needs to know too, Pax, and as much as you’ll probably say you don’t, you need the support right now. That’s where you were, wasn’t it?”

  I hadn’t known what to say. Nodding, I left the room and headed for the nearest exit. Reaching for my phone, I dialed Alissa’s number.

  Chapter 15

  Much like over a month ago, I stood in the airport waiting for Alissa’s arrival. After we spoke the previous night, she refused to stay home despite my numerous protests that I was able to deal. Thinking of it now however, I know that my protests hadn’t been strong-willed.

  “Everyone has someone but you,” she’d said.

  I had pondered that for a few minutes while on the line with her. She did have a point and as much as I hated to say it, so did my ex. Despite that, I had argued against it until I thought of Jasper and what he would want. The meningitis could be what claimed him before the cancer ever had a chance to do so and as much as I claimed to be strong enough, this wasn’t the time to assert my pride and display my strength. It was about doing what was right for my son and what was right was to have everyone he cared about surrounding him.

  I looked up and there she was running toward me with her purse and bag in hand. If I said the embrace I had with Julie yesterday was comforting, it had nothing on the emotional release brought forth by Alissa’s arms. I finally felt as if it was okay to let go somehow but I chose to wait until we had found some privacy.

  “Has he woken up yet?”

  I held on to her. “Not yet,” I said into her hair, “Julie said she’d give me a call if he did.”

  She backed away, palmed and studied my face. “You haven’t slept at all, have you?”

  “No,” I said. Declaring that I couldn’t bring myself to leave Jasper didn’t need to be said, she knew why. “I stayed behind so Todd and Julie could go home and get a bit of rest.”

  “I think we should go home and get you a few winks before you go back,” she said.

  “I won’t be able to sleep.”

  She rubbed the sides of my upper arms. “How ‘bout you try? I’ll be right there.” I nodded, too exhausted to protest.

  ***

  I walked out of the bathroom after a quick shower and found her sitting on my bed waiting for me. She pushed the blankets to the side and motioned for me to get in beside her.

  I laid my head on the tops of her breasts and she wrapped her arms around me and that’s when the first sob raked my body. For the first time since I had been a child, I realized that showing weakness wasn’t all that bad.

  I felt her fingers brush through my hair and listened to the calm rhythm of her heart beats before she pressed her lips to the crown of my head, whispering assurances that she was there for me every so often
but remained mostly quiet until the surge had passed.

  “Close your eyes, baby,” she said. I shimmied down so my head lay on her stomach and wrapped my arms around her torso. Soon enough, I felt myself drift off.

  I came to in the same position I had fallen asleep in. Alissa was rubbing my back. Despite the trauma of the last two days, I managed a smile at the comfort she offered.

  “What time is it?” I asked with a sleepy voice.

  “A little before one,” she said. I bolted, sitting upright. I felt like I had slept the day away. “Relax, Julie hasn’t called.” She proceeded to scoot out of the bed. I grabbed her and pulled her down so she lay on her back and I towered over her from her side.

  “Thank you,” I said and kissed her before pulling away so I could look into her face. “I know I said I would’ve been fine without you here but honestly-”

  “There’s no way I would have let you deal with this alone. I would have showed up on your doorstep whether you agreed to me coming or not,” she said. “Now get dressed so you can go back there and see your son.”

  “You’re coming,” I said with finality that brokered no argument.

  “I don’t think…what will…what will Julie say?”

  I hadn’t told her that Julie had been the one who recommended I call her in the first place. I saw it as a test my ex was issuing. She wanted validation as to what kind of woman Alissa was and I was hell bent on making sure my woman passed that exam with flying colors.

  “I have a sneaking suspicion that she’ll be fine,” I said.

  She eyed me and said, “Please elaborate.”

  “It seems Jasper has been bringing up your name at Julie and Todd’s,” I said. “Julie recommended that I call you before I left the room to do just that.” I chuckled dryly at her look of incredulity and pulled her into my arms when her eyes grew watery despite her smile.

  ***

  Forty minutes later, we were walking through the hospital doors. I escorted her to Jasper’s room but she insisted I go in alone at first; she wanted to ready herself before going in.