Once Written, Twice Shy (The Broken Men Chronicles)

by Decevito, Carey

  Julie’s eyes held a questioning gaze.

  “She’s out in the hall,” I said. And I honestly can’t blame her.

  My ex sighed. “I owe her an apology,” Julie said and Todd gave her shoulder a squeeze. “I’ve said some awful things and it wasn’t until Jasper started talking about her all the time that I realized that she was more than just a fling to you.”

  “Julie-”

  She held up her hand. “I know that you don’t sleep around. I’ve always known that, Pax,” she said. “She was right when she said that I was terrified. I was trying to hold on to a family I no longer had and I was the one to blame for it. I had no right. I wanted to be the only woman in Jasper’s life but-”

  “Jasper will always be your son and you his mother.” We all turned to see Alissa standing in the doorway.

  Julie walked up to grab her in a tight hug. Alissa looked at me, her eyes bulging out of her skull at Julie’s actions while she patted her in awkwardness.

  “Thanks for coming,” Julie said and let go of her to grab Todd’s outstretched hand. “We’ll give you some time. Be back later.”

  ***

  I was coming back with coffee for Allie and me when I heard her voice. She was talking to Jasper and so I leaned onto the room’s threshold and kept vigil on the pair.

  “…so Jasper, honey, I need you to wake up for me,” she said. “Mommy and Daddy would like to see those beautiful bright green eyes of yours. We miss you and that smile, sweetie. What about our pancake dates?” Her voice cracked, sending a jolt of pain to my heart. “I need someone to pour those blueberries for me. And who else would help me make a big mess?” She began to sob softly into the edge of the mattress. “We all need you, Jasper.”

  I walked over to her, set down our cups and turned her to face me. I cradled her cheek and she buried her face in my chest, clutching at my shirt. I couldn’t help the tears that sprung to my eyes as we held on tight to each other.

  “Allie?”

  My head snapped toward the bed. “Jasper,” I said, my heart thumping like crazy. I was quick to let go of Alissa and page the doctor before rushing back to my son’s bedside.

  “Hi, handsome,” Alissa said and cupped his pale cheek and pulled her hand back to wipe at her tear stained cheeks. “I’ve missed you.”

  My little boy smiled weakly. “You came back,” he said and coughed a few times.

  “Of course I did, no one can keep me away from you, silly,” she said.

  I smiled at their exchange before hugging her with one arm and kissing her temple.

  “How are you feeling, buddy?” I asked.

  “My head hurts but I’m okay,” he said.

  “You scared me, tough guy,” I said and leaned over to kiss his forehead. “I love you, son.”

  Saying those three little words was no longer enough now that I felt as if I had a deadline for reminding him of how I’ve felt about him since before he was born.

  “I love you too, Daddy.”

  ***

  Doctor Messing came in and ran a variety of cognitive and diagnostic tests. After a lengthy waiting frame, he announced that Jasper’s meningitis was losing strength and that his antibiotics were working. I couldn’t have been more relieved other than if Messing had divulged that Jasper’s JMML had been cured but it wasn’t the case.

  Armed with a variety of prescription medications for him, Jasper would be able to head home in a few days, provided he fared well throughout his time in the hospital and that we brought him back every day for an assessment—a small price to pay to have him at home with us. Jasper was to be put on pill chemotherapy despite being informed that the treatment would most likely not cure him. It rarely did with JMML. If anything, it would help stall the progression until a suitable treatment plan was decided upon for him while we weighed our options. There weren’t many but more than enough to make one’s head spin.

  ***

  The drive home had been one filled with silence. I couldn’t get past the fact that out of all of us, Alissa had been the one to bring Jasper out of that frightening sleep. I grabbed Alissa’s hand and kissed her knuckles.

  “You’re amazing,” I said.

  She looked over at me and offered a bright smile. “So I keep hearing,” she said and winked. “If you guys keep praising me as this miracle healer, I swear I’ll develop a complex.”

  “I never asked. When are you here until?”

  Her nose scrunched up. “I have to go back tomorrow. That conference I’ve been working on starts on Wednesday and runs until the end of next week.”

  I nodded. “We’ll have to make sure that Jasper gets his pancakes in before you leave,” I said and smiled.

  She giggled. “That we can definitely arrange,” she said, “maybe I’ll even make extras to bring to the nurses.”

  The moon and stars were out and peaked through the darkness. I remembered I still had a blanket in the back of the SUV from my picnic with Jasper, last week—last week, when everything was perfect and normal. Sure, it was a little after eleven but I wasn’t in a rush to get home just yet. With a quick right turn, I headed toward the beach.

  “I thought we were going home,” she turned to me with an inquiring gaze, “why are we at the beach?”

  “I was thinking we make a pit stop here first.” I parked the car. “I’m not ready to go home yet.”

  I allowed her to exit the car while I grabbed the blanket from the back.

  We made it to the sand, me holding her hand as we found my favourite spot—the one where I had taken her to a month ago.

  “I never pictured you for one to star gaze,” she said with a hint of humor.

  “It’s one of Jasper’s favourite things to do,” I explained as I lay the blanket down and we lay on our backs looking at the sky. I sighed. How many more times will I be able to do this with him?

  I hadn’t noticed the melancholy lacing my being but Alissa sure did. She perched herself up on her elbow and turned her body toward mine.

  “He’s not gone yet, Pax.” I looked at her. “You’ll have many more nights like this before that happens if it happens, even if I have to make sure they do.”

  “I know that, baby,” I said, reached up and ran my fingers through her hair. “I’m still digesting all of this, I guess. My mind won’t stop going back to yesterday when the doctor told us. It’s a lot to take in.”

  She hummed her agreement and put a hand on my chest. “Anything I can do to make it better?”

  I eyed her. “Maybe.”

  I fisted her hair and pulled her down to me, kissing her hard, drowning in the feel of her lips against mine, the sweet taste of her velvet tongue, the scent of purely her. I revelled in her flavor and the comfort she offered.

  “Pax…”

  “I need you right now,” I said as I pressed her forehead against mine.

  She smiled down at me. “I’m not going anywhere, sweetie,” she said and pecked my nose, “at least not until tomorrow night.”

  I groaned in remembrance and rolled her onto her back, towering above her.

  “I’m glad I have you for that long at least,” I said against her lips and gave her a chaste kiss. “Next time, I might not let you leave.”

  “If it was up to me, I wouldn’t be leaving,” she said and brushed her lips to mine in that tender way that always made my heart soar.

  I traced her lips with the tip of my index finger. “I know, gorgeous.”

  Her jaw went slack and her eyes darkened. She grasped my wrist, turned her head and kissed the palm of my hand. I shuddered.

  “Baby,” she said.

  My emotions were swirling, making me dizzy with the subtle ache of death when all I wanted was a moment of respite, a break from reality, a brief time to feel alive. And an idea popped into my head. Alissa needs this too. “I love you,” I said.

  Before she could reciprocate, I pecked her lips, gave her a smile, pushed up to my feet and removed my shirt.

  She laughed at me
as she sat up. “What are you doing?”

  I smirked down at her. “Haven’t you heard of a midnight swim?”

  “But we have no suits,” she said and my smirk broadened into a wide grin when I threw down my shirt and reached for my pants, my hands stalling on its button. “Oh…you have got to be kidding me, have you lost your ever-lovin’ mind?”

  “I’m not kidding, and to answer your second question, no, I’m sane, baby. You saw how there’s barely anyone here during the day, we’re all alone, Ms. Hidgins,” I said as I undid my pants, let them drop and winked at her.

  “It’s a public place,” she said but her eyes betrayed her with the amusement and hunger burning inside them.

  “Live a little.” I dropped my underwear. “You coming?”

  “We have no towels,” she persisted.

  “We have a blanket.” I pointed to it. “Now get naked with me, you know you want to.”

  She opened her mouth as if to say something else and then shut it. I took off running towards the water and dove in once I got up to my waist.

  I heard the splash from behind me when I surfaced. Alissa was keeping beneath the surface of the water as she made her way toward me. I chuckled at how cute she looked, trying to keep any wandering eyes from seeing her goods. I grabbed her arm and pulled her to me when she got close enough.

  “Glad you could join me,” I said, smiling down at her, our naked forms pressed together.

  She smiled. “Anything to make you happy.” She wrapped her arms around my neck.

  I arched my brow. “Anything?” My hands grabbed onto her bare bottom making her clutch onto my shoulders to maintain her balance. She nodded. “Then make love to me, right here, right now.”

  “Not here,” she said with a playful swat on the shoulder and I cursed the darkness for engulfing her blush.

  “Why not?” I asked and began to pepper her face with kisses. “I want to know what it would be like to do it under the stars.” I sucked on the skin below her ear. She shivered under my grasp.

  “B-but…” she said and stopped when I thrust a finger into her heated core. “Mmm…Pax…o-okay…beach.”

  I kissed her senseless and began to walk us out of the water toward the blanket while she held on with her legs wrapped around my waist. I lowered us to the blanket, sitting on my legs with her perched on my lap. She shivered beneath my touch as I kissed down her neck, letting my fingers trail up her back.

  When she reached down between us and began to guide me to her entrance, I stopped her. “Wait, I’m not-”

  Her kiss was soft and sweet but all too brief. “It’s okay,” she said, “I’m on the pill.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I want all of you, Paxton,” she said, holding my eyes as I released her wrist and let her position me just so she could slide down the length of my shaft.

  Never having gone bare-backed with any woman other than Julie, I revelled in the silken feel of Alissa’s swollen core, the rightness of the moment. “You feel amazing,” I said as I was seated completely within her depths.

  “Mmm…” She began to rock her hips; the sensation was pure heaven as we bonded closer than we’ve ever had. She was utopia.

  Alissa arched her head back and I began to kiss down the column of her neck, to the valley between her breasts. She was intoxicating under the bright moonlight which seemed to illuminate the spot we were in enough so that all we could see was the shimmering waters in the background and each other. It was nothing but us and nature as we stroked our respective heats into the highest of tensions. Our moans merged into a sensual song of pleasure, carried away by the night’s breeze.

  I’ve loved only three women in my life: my mother, Julie and now Alissa. Each had been loved in very different manners but I can tell you this for a fact, none of them but Alissa have made me feel like I wouldn’t be able to survive without them in my life.

  What started as an evening of fun and distraction from life had turned into something beautiful and heartfelt. It killed me to think that Jasper could possibly never live to see how beautiful the love for a woman other than his mother could be. How possible it was that I would never see his first day of high school, his first date, his first broken heart, and all that would follow. Life was fragile and filled with so many unexpected surprises, both good and bad.

  “Come back to me, Pax,” she said and pulled back enough to look me in the eyes and palm my face with both her hands. “I love you.”

  “I love you too,” I said.

  To say Alissa took the pain away would be giving her too much credit. No one was that capable. What Alissa did for me was lessen the blow of it all without much effort. She made it so that this downward spiral that was my family life was bearable. I was able to keep breathing, be the strong person in all of this for my son and keep one foot in front of the other as each day rolled by. I wanted to know that I was the best damn father and man I could ever be for everyone in my life. I just had to work harder to prove it to myself.

  Lost in the sweet and blissful moment with Alissa, I felt our impending releases coming blindingly fast. She was looking at me, and I at her. Her beautiful face was flushed; her lips seemed a deeper pink as we took each other over the edge. I could have sworn that I saw a life with her flash inside those cerulean pools of hers the moment we had hit the pinnacle of our climax.

  Spent, our bodies glistened with a cooling sweat from our love making. I showered her with soft and lazy kisses.

  “I love you,” she said into the skin of my neck and kissed me in that spot.

  “And I, you,” I said. “More than you’ll ever know.”

  I held her tight to me as if letting go would cause her to disappear and all of these emotions I held for her and the feel of what had just transpired between us washed away with the waves and became nothing but a dream.

  Chapter 16

  A month had passed since Jasper’s diagnosis. I was dealing with the conflicting reality on a day-to-day basis. Daily conversations over the phone with Alissa were about the only thing keeping me sane. She seemed to have developed a sixth sense about when things were going the roughest with me. We hadn’t seen each other again since her departure a few days after Jasper’s diagnosis; her job being the culprit. Things had been busy for the woman and it didn’t seem like there was going to be any respite for her in the near future.

  “The joys of doing a good job,” she had told me once.

  In fact, she had done such a great job organizing that conference that she had landed a coveted promotion—one she thought she had wanted. It hadn’t taken long for her to voice her dislike to her new role, despising the fact that she was at her boss’ beck and call around the clock. Neither was I since our conversations had grown shorter and more sporadic as time went on.

  Jasper’s health was deteriorating despite the chemotherapy. On some days, he was his old self with so much rambunctiousness that my energy was drained dry by the time my boy went to bed. On others, he was so dead to the world, pale and sickly that we’d stay in. Those days typically ended with me falling into bed, mentally exhausted with additional worry. There had been two instances where Jasper had ended up in the hospital for testing only to find out he’d come down with another infection of some sort that could compromise him further. Those days had sent me to bed crying and praying that it would all just go away. I wanted my son back—not for one day—I wanted him to be the healthy little four-year-old he should have always been. On those days, I cursed Doctor Messing and his diagnosis. On those days, I ached to feel Allie wrapped around me to soften the blows. Our calls, although soothing in nature weren’t completely cutting it for me. I wanted to see my woman in the flesh.

  ***

  A second month had come and gone and I still hadn’t seen Alissa. As a matter of fact, I hadn’t heard from her except for the one email three days ago that assured me that everything was going well, that she loved me, and that should I need her, she was reachable through her assist
ant. I hadn’t bothered calling as I knew that she had more than enough on her plate with her latest project. I could wait.

  Jasper was in bed after a long day of treatment at the hospital. My son was in need of regular blood transfusions in conjunction with his chemotherapy. After all my procrastinating, I had painted and decorated my son’s bedroom as I should have six months ago when I had first moved into my townhouse. I felt horrible for not doing it sooner.

  I was sitting on the couch, perusing channels in order to find something that would strike my fancy. Taking a drink from the bottle of beer I had decided to indulge in, my phone rang. One look at the caller ID and I smiled—Alissa.

  “Hello, beautiful,” I said.

  “Hey, handsome,” I could hear the smile in her voice, “how’ve you been, love? I miss you.”

  “I miss you too,” I said. “How’s your week been so far?”

  “Pure hell. I need out…a change,” she said. “Listen, do you think Jasper would be up to a blueberry pancake fest tomorrow?”

  “I’m sure he’d be open to it every morning, sweetheart, but why can’t it wait until the weekend? Did something come up?”

  “Yeah,” she said, “it’s been too long, baby.”

  “I hear you,” I said.

  I heard a knock.

  “What’s that?” she asked.

  “Someone’s at the door,” I said.

  “Expecting someone?”

  “No,” I said and wondered who it could be at this time of night.

  “Go answer, babe. I’ll wait,” she said.

  Walking to the door, my phone still in my hand, I opened. The device dropped to the floor, the battery cover went flying as I stood there, shell-shocked.

  I stared. “What are you doing here?”

  “I believe we have a pancake date in the morning,” she said, “and I doubt Jasper would appreciate me missing it.” She stuffed her phone in her purse.

  I pulled Alissa in and gave her a bone crushing hug. She had floored me with this unexpected surprise visit.

  I kissed her and asked, “What about that project?”