“Who?”
“I’m not saying who but you should really think about Dyanna. What if she finds out?”
“She won’t find out. Dyanna’s too busy being a BAP. Her father and mother love me. I fuck her real good a couple times a week, eat her pussy every now and then, and she’s happy.”
“Well, I don’t know if I can keep my friend from telling Dyanna,” I said as I anxiously looked at my watch. I realized it was getting very close to when Trent’s flight would arrive at Hartsfield, and I wanted to meet him at the gate.
“Who is this bitch?”
“Why does she have to be a bitch, Basil?”
“Whoever she is she better mind her fucking business. I’m the wrong one to fuck with,” Basil said as he gave me a contemptuous stare.
“Stop calling her a bitch!”
“Well, that’s what she is. I know who it is. It’s that Nicole bitch your boyfriend was with. That’s who it is. She is a bitch and that black bitch better stay out of my life,” Basil said as he got up from the bar stool. His face was contorted with anger.
“You still didn’t answer my question. Why does she have to be a bitch? Nicole is more lady than anybody you know.”
“She’s a fucking black bitch,” Basil yelled.
“What does that make your mama?” I asked angrily and without thinking. A look of disgust and exasperation swept across Basil’s face. I looked deep into his angry eyes and wished I had suppressed my last remark.
“Motherfucker,” Basil howled at the top of his lungs as he rushed toward me and jerked me quickly by the collar of my sweatshirt. I felt the material ripping from my back. At first I was shocked at how quickly he grabbed me and I was caught offguard, but I quickly pushed him against the wall and shouted, “You fucking sonofabitch, don’t pull on me. I ain’t one of your bitches.”
Basil pushed me back and balled up his fist.
“So what you gonna do, Basil? You gonna hit me like you hit Charles. Well, hit me, motherfucker, but be prepared for what’s gonna follow and I ain’t talking about your checkbook, fucker. I don’t need your money,” I said as I clenched my fists readying myself to lay his ass out if he hit me.
“So you’re gonna hit me over some bitch?”
“Don’t use that word in my house again. Do what you’re gonna do and get your ass out,” I said.
“Why are we fighting over this shit, Ray?”
“You’re the one that started it,” I said, evoking a memory of two little boys fighting over a girl or marbles in an elementary school play yard.
“If you don’t want to see me anymore then just say that. Don’t use my marriage to Dyanna as an excuse. You and that woman should leave me and Dyanna alone.”
“I will, but I can’t speak for Nicole,” I said as I relaxed my fighting stance. Basil was looking down at the carpet and then he raised his eyes and gazed at me for a moment.
“So this is it. If I marry Dyanna that’s it for you and me?”
“Yes,” I said firmly.
“Why?”
“Because this is more than sex, Basil. You can’t use me for your sexual needs. I can no longer use you. I want and deserve more and so do you. But you’ve got to understand that relationships between men are not just about sex.”
Basil turned, taking in my entire condo in one, long sweeping glance. When he was facing me again his sensual gray eyes were filled with water. He moved closer to me, dropped to his knees, jerked down my warm-ups, and pulled my limp sex to his lips. I quickly pulled back the minute I felt his cold lips touch my sex. I wanted to give in and enjoy sex with Basil one more time but Trent’s face immediately came to mind and my indecisiveness was gone in an instant.
“No, Basil, we can’t do this,” I said as I moved away and pulled up my warm-ups.
“Come on, Ray,” Basil pleaded.
“I can’t, Basil. Please get up.”
Basil lifted himself and stood very close to me. His body seemed to be generating steam. I wanted to grasp him and hold him but I knew my sleeping sex would soon awaken. I couldn’t confuse the issue. This had to be over. There was a long, tense silence broken by the ringing phone. I picked it up on the second ring.
“Hello.”
“I’m here! Where are you?” Trent said cheerfully.
“I’m on my way. I lost track of time.”
“I’ll be in front of the United terminal. I can’t wait to see you.”
“Me too,” I said softly. I hung up the phone, looked at Basil, and said, “I have to leave.”
Basil picked up his wallet and the Atlanta Braves hat that was resting on the bar. He slipped his wallet inside his jock and placed the hat on his head without a word. A pained look settled onto his face and he walked out of my place—and most likely out of my life.
I wasn’t going to let my fight with Basil spoil Trent’s visit. He seemed so excited to be in Atlanta and in my company, but I continued to think about the fight with Basil at least once every hour.
Trent was in the living room listening to music while I was in my office trying to catch up on work. Every thirty minutes my phone would ring and as soon as I picked it up I would get a dial tone. I assumed the annoying calls were from Basil.
After a couple of hours Trent walked into my den, leaned over the chair, and started massaging my shoulders. His hands were strong and felt great.
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
“To help?”
“Yes, I want to spend some time with my man,” he said.
“I’ll be finished in a few. What do you want for dinner?”
“You,” Trent laughed.
I turned around and we eyed each other smiling since we both knew what Trent’s response suggested. We still hadn’t made love with each other. Would this be the night?
“Seriously, Trent. What do you want to do, order in or go out?”
“Let’s order a pizza and just stay in.”
“Okay. Look in the cabinet over the kitchen sink. There are a bunch of carry-out menus that deliver in the area. Pick out what you want and give them a call,” I said. Trent smiled and planted a deep kiss on my lips and then walked into the living area.
When Trent left the room I thought about how lucky I was to have him in my life. I wasn’t going to let Basil ruin this for me. For the first time I had a chance at a relationship with a man who knew what he wanted without confusion. Trent made it perfectly clear that he was a gay man who wanted to spend his life with me.
I recalled all the men I had been involved with in the past and how those relationships always involved other people, mainly unsuspecting women and men I would never know. There would be moments when I felt I was in love with Trent, I mean really in love, and then times when I would be uncertain about how our relationship could withstand the distance, not to mention how our wallets would hold up. My own wallet hadn’t recovered from Kyle’s illness. We were both doing well in our careers. Gilliam and I had decided to wait until the beginning of the year but I would be made a full partner and Trent had been recently promoted to full associate at his firm in Chicago.
I closed up my notebook and walked into the living area where Trent was lying in the middle of the floor reading a copy of Architectural Digest and listening to Arrested Development.
“Come down here with me,” Trent said. “I have something I want to show you.”
I kicked off my loafers and dived onto the floor next to Trent.
“Look at this house. Isn’t it the shit?” Trent asked as he pointed to a beautiful house in the magazine.
“Yes, Trent, that’s a great house.”
“This is the kind of house I want to build for you and me one day. A house just like in the magazines and in the movies,” he said as he gave me a small peck on the forehead.
“You think that’s possible?”
“What? Me building the house or us being together?”
“Us being together. I mean you live in Chicago and I’m living here. H
ow long can we do this?”
“Well, I hope one day we can live in the same city.”
“Yes, but which one?”
“I don’t know. I love Chicago and I’m doing great with my career but I know I want to be with you.”
“I know but I’m about to make partner and that’s here in Atlanta.”
“Would you move to Chicago?”
“Would you move to Atlanta?”
“I asked first,” Trent said.
Just as I was getting ready to answer or a least put on my lawyer hat the phone rang.
“Hello.”
“Ray, this is Basil. I need to talk to you.”
“Talk, but be quick.”
“Why? Is your niggah over there?”
“Good-bye, Basil.”
“Come on, Ray, I said I need to talk with you.”
“I can’t really talk now,” I said.
“Why? Are you in bed fucking?”
“I’m sorry, I have to go,” I said as I laid the receiver back into the cradle. Five seconds later the phone rang again.
“Don’t you ever hang up the phone in my face, motherfucker,” Basil shouted.
“You got your face on the phone?”
“What? Hell no! I’ve got my ears to it.”
“Good! This is for your ears,” I said as I slammed down the phone and unplugged it from the wall.
Trent was watching me and he jumped up from the floor and came close to me.
“Are you all right?”
“I’m fine. Come here, Trent, and sit down. We’ve got to talk. On second thought let’s go out on the patio.”
Trent and I walked onto the patio. It was a beautiful night in Atlanta, windless, in the eighties. A perfect summer night. I began to tell Trent about my relationship with Basil and the fight that had occurred this afternoon. I informed him that I wasn’t in love with Basil but there was an attachment. Trent’s face was pinched with curiosity as I explained how I’d met Basil years before and then later the previous year. I told Trent that Basil was getting married but that wasn’t the reason the association was over.
“Are you sure how you feel about him, Ray?”
“Yes, I am. I’m not in love with him but he was there during some difficult times,” I said.
“How do you feel about him getting married?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, how do you feel?”
“I feel sorry for the young lady.”
“Why?”
“Because she doesn’t have a clue.”
“Isn’t that usually the way it is?”
“Yes, but it doesn’t make it right.”
“I agree,” Trent said.
“So you got any more questions?”
“You’ll always shoot straight with me. Honesty, right?”
“Yes, Trent. I will always be honest with you.”
“So you don’t want to be with Basil?”
“I don’t want to be with Basil. I’m with the person I want to be with.”
I looked at Trent’s brown profile illuminated by the streetlights below and asked him what he was thinking.
“I just want you to be sure. I’ve waited too long for this.”
“If we’re being honest, then we have to face the fact that male-to-male relationships are tough enough and we have all the distance separating us.”
“If you want this to work, Raymond … it can. I don’t know if it means my moving here or your moving to Chicago. What I need to know before I leave this week is that you want this to work. It’s not about you wanting to spend your life with a male or female. It’s about whether or not you want to spend your life with me. Plain and simple.”
“But isn’t this too fast?”
“How can everything you’ve ever dreamed of happen too fast?”
I felt a chill go through me. I didn’t answer Trent. I just looked at the stars overhead and began to let myself fantasize a future with Trent and Trent alone.
We didn’t talk much that night. We ordered pizza. Trent drank beer. I drank cranberry juice. Trent went to bed early and I plugged in the phone and called Jared to let him know that everything was going great. He said he had something important he wanted to talk to me about but it could wait until tomorrow. He told me to give Trent his regards and he would send one up for us when he prayed before going to bed.
I walked into the bedroom and the only light in the dark room was coming from the television and Trent’s bright eyes. He was watching a “Mary Tyler Moore Show” rerun. He gave me an ardent smile as I dropped my pants, pulled off my shirt, and climbed between the clean sheets covered lightly with baby powder—a trick of seduction Kyle had taught me. When I slipped into the bed, Trent immediately edged close to me. I pulled him closer to my body and drifted into a peaceful sleep.
“I was asked to be in two weddings last week.”
“Two?”
“I don’t know if I’ll be in either. I definitely won’t be in Basil’s and Jared’s isn’t official.”
“Jared?”
“Well, he came over a couple of days ago and asked me how I felt about him asking Nicole to marry him. I must admit I was a bit surprised.”
“How do you feel about it?”
“You know it’s a strange feeling. A part of me is happy that two wonderful people have found each other and then there is the part that secretly holds on to the hope that it could have been me. I shared that with Jared and though he was a bit surprised he said he understood.”
“Surprised?”
“Well, he said he knew that I was happy with Trent and he didn’t know I still harbored those types of feelings for Nicole. I explained to him I would always love Nicole but I knew he was the best thing in the world for her. It wasn’t necessarily my feelings about Nicole either; perhaps it had more to do with the fact that their getting married meant giving up my fantasy of the life I wanted to lead. I also confessed as to how I used to think about being in love with him, romantically.”
“What did he say?”
“Said he was flattered. Flattered. Can you believe he was flattered?”
I went on to tell Dr. Paul I’d suggested Jared propose to Nicole when he went home with her. I told him about a place where Nicole used to tell me she wanted to get married. Jared said he had a special way he wanted to propose but he was still working it out. I told him I supported him a thousand percent.
After we talked about Jared and Nicole, I started to talk about Basil and Trent. How I was certain it was over with Basil but how I felt sorry for him and how I was dealing with my feelings about Trent.
“Why do you feel sorry for Basil?”
“Because he’s like I was in a lot of ways.”
“How, Raymond?”
“I think he feels he’s trapped. Because he’s a black man, a pro football star, and he feels that he must conform to what society expects of him. It’s like living in a prison. Trust me I know.”
“Do you feel like you’re still living in a prison, Raymond?”
“No, I think I’m on parole.”
“How so?”
“Well, I’ve been given a chance with someone wonderful like Trent. My parents and I are going to phase three.”
“Phase three?”
“Yes, I realized when I talked with my parents that we’re going to have to do things in stages. My coming out to my father about four years ago was the first step, talking about it honestly was step two, and the three of us seeking professional help will be another step.”
“Sounds good to me.”
“Trent also gave me a choice to make.”
“A choice?”
“Well, my birthday is in a couple of weeks and Trent has to be in Seattle on business. He suggested I meet him in Seattle to celebrate. He said he only wants me to come if I’m ready to pursue a relationship totally and only with him. He said if things work out we could go back and forth for a year and then decide who’s going to move.”
“How are you going to decide that?”
“I suggested we play a five-set tennis match. The loser would have to move to the winner’s city.”
“What did Trent say?”
“He knows I’m a better tennis player than him. He’s better at bowling and basketball but he said he wasn’t getting in a macho pissing contest with me,” I laughed.
“You know you smile a lot when you talk about Trent?”
“I do?”
“Yes, you sure do.”
“I wonder what that means. I guess I’m happy whenever he crosses my mind, which is often. I’m going to think about it and pray for direction on what to do. I may end up spending my birthday alone because I don’t want to hurt Trent in any way. He is such a great person and he does deserve someone who will love him the way I think he’s capable of loving.”
“So are you ready to start with the every other week schedule?”
“Yes, Dr. Paul. I know I’ve got some important decisions to make but my life is looking hopeful. Still a little confused, but hopeful. I often think of Kyle and I think he would be proud of me coming face to face with who I really am. I don’t think of him being gone, I think of all the wonderful times we had. I’m smiling a lot these days.”
“Well, call my office when you want to start a new schedule,” Dr. Paul said as she laid down her legal pad.
“Dr. Paul, can I ask you one last thing?”
“Sure, Raymond.”
“When do you give up on old dreams?”
“You’ll know.”
The weeks leading up to my birthday passed quickly and I still hadn’t decided what to do. I was busy catching up at work and when I talked to Trent the first thing in the morning and late at night I thought for certain I was going to Seattle. Trent liked to start his day by calling me and the two of us would share a brief prayer before our conversation and wish each other a blessed and successful day.
My mother called a few days before my birthday and wanted to know how I was doing and if I was going to come home to celebrate. She told me that Kirby was home and doing much better and that he and Pops wanted me to come home so that the four of us could go out to dinner. My mother suggested that this could be a good time to talk with Kirby. When she said that I felt good inside.
I told my mother I might be in Seattle and when she asked if it was business, I didn’t lie. For the first time I told her about a man in my life, Trent, and how wonderful he was. After I got through talking about Trent there was a brief silence and I asked my mother if she was all right.
Just As I Am Page 39