Secrets of My Hollywood Life: Family Affairs

by Jen Calonita

  “I think that’s really smart, Kates,” Liz agrees.

  “Oh, I’ve got some other news too. I think I’ve figured out the perfect birthday gift for Austin.” I can’t help but smile at the thought. “You know how he loves watching NASCAR? Well, I talked to Rodney and he said that the Las Vegas Mo-tor Raceway gives rides on the track. I thought we could fly to Vegas on his birthday — it’s only an hour flight — and he could be a passenger in a race car. Then we can have dinner at SW Steakhouse at Wynn Las Vegas before flying back. What do you think?”

  Liz frowns and her eyes shift downward.

  “You hate the idea, don’t you?” I worry. “Why? Do you think it’s too over the top? I thought taking Austin somewhere rather than buying him an expensive present would make him less uncomfortable. Do you think I’m wrong? Or is it our moms? I didn’t think about this, but maybe they won’t want us flying out of state for a date.”

  “Kates, calm down,” Liz says gently. “I think Austin would love the idea.” I breathe a sigh of relief. “But there’s still a problem.”

  “What?” I bite my lip.

  “Austin’s birthday falls on Homecoming this year, which wouldn’t be a big deal except that yesterday the nominations were announced for Homecoming court.” Liz pauses. “Austin is up for the court. That means he’s supposed to ride in the Homecoming game parade. Technically, he doesn’t have to go to the dance, so I guess he could go to Vegas in the afternoon, but I’ve never heard of a nominee bailing on the dance. Maybe he could forfeit his nomination,” Liz suggests.

  I shake my head. “That’s silly. I’ll do the Vegas thing another day.”

  Liz smiles. “Definitely!”

  “I wonder why Austin didn’t say anything about the nomination,” I question. “We went out for sushi last night and he didn’t say a word.”

  “You know boys,” Liz says dismissively. “He didn’t tell me either. He told Josh. Josh said Austin knew you’d been planning a birthday surprise and he didn’t want to disappoint you. Josh told him to ask you to the dance instead, but Austin didn’t think you’d want to go after what happened at the Spring Fling.”

  “The paparazzi showing up and ruining the school dance again wouldn’t make me that popular with the student body,” I agree. “I’d be banned from Clark for life.” I look up at the creamy white ceiling hoping for an answer. “The dance sounds fun,” I say. “And if it’s on Austin’s birthday and he has to go, that’s where I want to be too. I wish there was a way I could go with him.”

  We’re both quiet for a minute. Then Liz says, “Why can’t you? What if the paparazzi had no idea you were going to be at the dance?”

  “They’ll find out.” I frown. “They always do.”

  “Not if Austin thinks you’re not going to the dance either.” Liz sounds excited now. “This is what you do: Tell Austin you just found out you have reshoots for Pretty Young Assassins on his birthday. Apologize profusely and tell him you’ll celebrate with him on Sunday instead. Austin’s such a good sport, he’ll feel obligated to go to the dance and won’t feel bad about it anymore. When people ask if you’re going to be his date, he’ll obviously say no. The press will think you’re not going. Then, that night, you can show up at the last minute, when it’s too late to alert the paparazzi. That would be the ultimate birthday surprise!”

  “Liz, you’re a genius.” I hug her. “I’ll take Austin to Vegas on Sunday. He’ll get two birthday presents.”

  “You see? I knew we’d work it out.” She grins. “I’ll buy you a ticket for Homecoming this week so you have it. Austin has to buy them ahead of time and he won’t get you one if he thinks you’re working.”

  “Perfect.” I hear the door open.

  “Morning, Katie-Kins!” my mother sings. “Are you and Liz having fun?” My mom is dressed casually in Genetic Denim jeans and a three-quarter-length sleeve ballet-neck navy T-shirt with flats.

  “This place is amazing, Mom,” I tell her. “You’ve got to ask them to use the Jacqua Buttercream Frosting lotion for your massage.”

  “Is that what smells so overpowering in here?”

  Who said that?

  I do a double take. Walking in behind my mom is Alexis. In addition to a super-sized smile, she’s wearing hip-hugging J Brand jeans and a bedazzled burgundy tank top. Her long red hair is a little frizzy, but perfectly curled at the ends, like she’d gone to a party the night before and it hadn’t been redone since. Laney is standing behind her and she looks really ticked off.

  “Hey, Alexis.” I manage to compose myself quickly. “I didn’t know you were going to be here today.”

  “I invited Alexis to join us so we could tell her all about how Burke Management has enhanced your career,” Mom explains happily.

  What? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  There goes my blissful Saturday.

  I can feel my heart palpitations kick-start. With work being so busy this past week, and Mom’s social calendar more packed than Nobu on a Saturday night, I haven’t had a chance to tell her or Laney my suspicions about Alexis or about the stunts she’s been pulling on set. Thankfully, from the look on Laney’s face, I take it Nadine’s told her a thing or two. But it’s obvious Laney hasn’t discussed them with Mom yet.

  Laney slips out of the BCBG blazer that I gave her and plops down next to me. “I had no idea she was coming till I pulled up and saw her flaming red hair in your mom’s Beamer,” she whispers to me while Mom is busy introducing Alexis to Liz. “I was wrong about this girl. I want you to know I’m not on board with this, Kaitlin. I don’t represent frauds. Having FA’s biggest star on my roster is enough for me.”

  I’m so touched I want to reach out and hug her, but I know Laney doesn’t like to have her neatly pressed clothes wrinkled. Instead, I smile brightly.

  “Nadine has been filling me in about Alexis and her blatant attempt to woo the writing staff,” Laney continues, her voice dripping with disdain. “Well, that’s nothing compared with the disturbing set gossip I’ve been hearing.” My heart lurches as Laney’s dark eyes peer into mine ominously. “This girl is no good. I don’t trust her and I don’t like how she’s infiltrated FA. You’ve got to be careful. I mean it.”

  “I know,” I say, feeling light-headed. Laney has just confirmed what I’ve been thinking about Alexis for a while and I’m not sure how to process it.

  “I’ll straighten out your mother,” Laney promises as my mom whips a large stack of papers out of her green Balenciaga tote and places them on the table in front of me. “Trust me.”

  “So is this why you wanted me to come here today?” I whisper to my mother as she takes a seat on the couch across from me. I smile sweetly at Alexis, who is making small talk with Liz. “So that you could woo Alexis?”

  Mom purses her lips, which look thin again. I’m sure lip plumping is on her agenda today. “Shh,” she says, looking over her shoulder at Alexis. “Don’t look at me like that. We’re here so you can have a relaxing, well-deserved day of pampering. I just thought it would be nice to write the whole expense off by doing some business as well, so I invited Alexis.”

  “Didn’t the spa comp this whole thing because Kaitlin was a guest?” Laney asks. I try not to grin. She’s probably right.

  Mom raises her right eyebrow at Laney. Uh-oh. “It can’t hurt to talk to her about my management firm, can it?” Mom asks us.

  “I really don’t think that’s a good . . .” Laney stops talking when she realizes Alexis is listening. Alexis walks over and takes a seat next to me.

  “I’m so glad we’ve got a chance to bond together today, Kaitlin,” Alexis says to me. “I was just telling your mom that I rarely see you when we’re not shooting.” She looks like a sad puppy in a store window.

  “She’s good,” Liz whispers in my ear.

  “That’s why you came today, Alexis? To hang out with Kaitlin?” Laney asks politely. “That’s so nice.”

  TRAP HER Laney. At least someone other than me — and, well, Sky �
�� sees through Alexis’s sickingly sweet fake act.

  “That’s the main reason.” Alexis smiles at me. “I’m dying to know more about Kaitlin Burke! What makes you tick? What do you like to do on your day off?” She stares at me, waiting for an answer.

  “Nothing exciting,” I say slowly. “I do the same things everyone else does.”

  “You’re too modest!” Alexis laughs. “You can admit how fabulous your life is! I think it’s great. But I have to admit, I do have another motive for coming here.”

  I hold my breath, wondering what Alexis is going to say.

  “I wanted to meet the fabulous Laney Peters and talk to your mom.” Alexis grins. “I’ve heard you two are an unstoppable PR and management team.”

  Now it’s my mom’s turn to smile. All this smiling and someone’s face is going to freeze that way during a facial.

  “I didn’t think I needed representation, but now I’m wondering if I do.” Alexis frowns. “This town can be really tough.”

  Here we go.

  “Hollywood’s not meant for everyone,” Laney says simply, as the door to our suite opens and five Argyle Spa employees file in with a manicure and pedicure cart.

  “Oh good, our first appointment,” Mom says excitedly. She glances at Alexis with a look of concern. “Alexis, dear, tell us what’s going on. Are people giving you a hard time?”

  “I’m having a problem with my contract.” Alexis starts to tear up.

  Wow, she’s an even better manipulator than Sky.

  “I didn’t realize when I signed on that it was only for half a season,” she moans. “The Colby character could be a huge asset to this show if they’d just keep her around.”

  When I hear Alexis say that, I almost want to laugh. So Alexis thinks my mom, Laney, and I can help her? I shake my head. Alexis’s motives are clear to me now, but I still don’t get what they have to do with me and Sky. Why is she talking trash about us? Is it jealousy because we’ve been on the show forever? There’s still so much about Alexis I haven’t figured out.

  “That’s TV,” Laney echoes some of my sentiments out loud. “You signed for a limited story arc and that’s all they’re going to give you.”

  Alexis looks annoyed with that answer and turns her attention back to my mom.

  “But maybe we can help, Laney,” Mom suggests. She looks at Alexis’s sad face. “Is there anything we can do to change their minds?”

  Alexis’s face relaxes a bit. “Well, the more people say they like working with me, the better,” Alexis confides. “FA is such a great TV family and I’d love to be part of it longer. I’m just so overwhelmed about how to do that. I’m not as savvy as Kaitlin, you know? I don’t know all this fancy lingo and how to deal with the paparazzi.” She pauses and turns to the woman preparing to do her man-icure. “After this, I’ll be having a Hamman scrub, an Organic Boost facial, and if there’s time a hot stone four-hand massage.”

  “She doesn’t sound savvy at all,” Liz whispers. I try not to giggle.

  Across the room, I hear the familiar vibration of my Sidekick and take the opportunity to jump off the couch to retrieve it. Five minutes in the room with Alexis and already I feel my loosened shoulder knots begin to tense up again. I read the message.

  WOOKIESRULE: How’s my girl doing? It hasn’t even been 12 hrs. since I saw U and I miss U.

  A smile spreads across my face, and for a moment I forget the beauty and the beast scenario I’m currently starring in. I carry my Sidekick back to my spot on the couch, noticing that Alexis has moved over to give me less room, and squeeze myself back into my rightful place. The manicurist sees the Sidekick and gets to work on removing the polish from my toes instead.

  PRINCESSLEIA25: U made my day. I’m in spa hell.

  WOOKIESRULE: Spa hell. Is that where supermodels go to die?

  I can’t help but laugh aloud. “Who are you talking to?” Alexis asks.

  “Probably her boyfriend,” Mom explains, sounding slightly annoyed. I glare at my mother. Did she have to bring him up?

  Alexis smiles. “He’s adorable. I was talking to him for a while at the Priceless party when you were off networking. You better watch someone doesn’t try to steal him away.”

  I can’t help myself. The words are coming out of my mouth before I can stop them. “Lucky for me, Austin — like most of Hollywood — finds me completely irresistible.” I hit send on my Sidekick and smile smugly.

  PRINCESSLEIA25: I’ll explain later, but miss U 2. Especially right now.

  WOOKIESRULE: Did U break the news about passing UR permit test yet?

  PRINCESSLEIA25: Shhh! No. I wanted 2 wait till after my massage 2 break the news.

  WOOKIESRULE: Uh-oh. Good luck. TTYL — if U R still alive.

  Very funny! I slide my Sidekick safely back in my bag and resist the urge to hit Alexis over the head with my hardware. If she says even one more word about Austin, I just might.

  “Oh, he’s not famous.” I hear Mom saying to Alexis. She’s talking about Austin, I’m sure. “Kaitlin met him when she did that god-awful school stunt last year.”

  “School stunt?” Alexis asks, looking intrigued.

  “I’m just going to run to the bathroom,” Liz says, trying to slip out of the line of fire. I hear her slippers smack against the floor as she hurries out.

  Laney clears her throat. “I feel for you, Alexis, but I really don’t think Meg and I can help you,” she interrupts, stopping my mother dead in her tracks. Mom’s jaw drops, as does Alexis’s. I try to suppress a smile. “Kaitlin is a huge client, and I don’t think either of us have time to take on another client on the same hit show. It would be a conflict of interest.” Alexis looks flustered. “I’d be happy to give you the name of other management firms and publicists at my company though. I hope we haven’t wasted your Saturday. You’re welcome to stay and hang out with Kaitlin, like you said you wanted to do.” Laney’s smile is thin.

  Mom looks like she wants to say something, but I guess Laney’s torturous stare stops her. If there is one thing Mom isn’t oblivious to after all these years, it’s Laney’s expressions.

  “Thank you, Laney,” Alexis says briskly. “I really appreciate your honesty, but I am disappointed. I’ve had plenty of offers, but having heard so much about both of you, and being so fond of Kates, I wanted to offer you both first crack.”

  “We appreciate that,” Laney says sweetly.

  “After all, even if the network hasn’t extended my contract, they have awarded me ‘and’ status during the show’s theme song.” Alexis smiles at me.

  “You’re kidding!” I practically choke. “I mean, that’s awesome.”

  I place my hand on the bag holding my Sidekick. I have the strong urge to hit her. I know that’s mean of me, but I can’t help it. I’m jealous, all right? I know she’s not sticking around FA forever, but I wish she wasn’t on our set at all. Laney’s right — there is no way Alexis will be able to turn her contract around. She’s on for a limited number of episodes and that’s it. I just have to survive the next few months with her and then she’ll be out of my hair for good.

  “I thought FA reserved that status for full-season stars.” Mom all of a sudden looks nervous.

  “Apparently FA loves me,” Alexis gloats.

  HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER SIX: Everyone knows that a TV show credit — which is a star’s billing during the beginning of the program — is a coveted piece of real estate. When a cast’s names are featured at the beginning of the program, usually the first and the last names to appear are reserved for the biggest stars. In FA’s case, Melli (Paige) has the first mention. Shows, and movie posters, usually reserve the “and” for a star who doesn’t warrant top billing, but is a big enough name that they shouldn’t be lumped in the middle of the credits, with everyone else (like me, who gets fifth billing, before Sky and after Spencer, who plays my TV dad). Billing is such a big deal that stars actually negotiate where their name will be placed when they’re signing on to a pr
oject.

  If they’ve given Alexis “and” status, they must think she’s a star. Does that mean they’re reconsidering her short-term contract? That would mean I’d have to put up with Sky and Alexis. Even if I had weekly Jacqua Buttercream Frosting massages, I don’t think my neck muscles would survive.

  “You must be thrilled,” Mom says tightly. Maybe now she’s getting the picture. Alexis getting so much love from FA is a threat to her daughter. “Well, I hope you’ll still stay and enjoy the treatments.”

  “Of course!” Alexis says. “And Laney, I’d love that list.” The manicurist is done with Alexis’s toes, which are painted bloodred. Alexis slides into her slippers, gathers up her Gucci tote and strappy black heels, and walks toward the door. “I’m going to go get my facial before I do my manicure, but I’m sure I’ll see you all a little later.”

  “Kaitlin, I feel like such a fool,” Mom says after she’s sure Alexis has closed the door behind her. “I had no idea she wanted to stay on your show! I can’t represent her and my baby. Obviously I’d always want FA press for you over her.” She hugs me tightly.

  I’m in such shock I almost forget to hug her back. Mom gets it. For maybe the first time ever, Mom totally gets where I’m coming from!

  “Laney, I’m so sorry,” Mom adds.

  “I could have you banned from Barneys for that.” Laney’s joking, but her voice is chilly and I know she means business. “Don’t ever bring another potential client in like that without telling me first! I was going to tackle you to the floor before I let you sign her! That girl is trouble.”

  I fill Mom in on Alexis’s Jekyll and Hyde behavior. How she’s beyond nice to the stars and kisses up to the writers, but treats the underlings like dirt. How she’s determined to be a regular on FA at any cost. How she throws fits and holds up filming.