Secrets of My Hollywood Life: Family Affairs

by Jen Calonita

  “Alexis was his muse and she took advantage of that,” Sky repeats. “She made him do it. Do what? Lay it on the table, Max! Come on!”

  Sky gasps.

  “What?” I hiss.

  “We’ve got them, K,” Sky says, sounding hoarse.

  “What? What did they say?” I can feel my heart beating out of my chest in anticipation. “Tell me!”

  “Alexis just said, ‘But you wrote the script! You can’t pin this on me!’” Sky relays. “And now Alexis is crying again.”

  A wave of nausea comes over me as I realize our suspicions about Alexis were dead-on the whole time. Alexis isn’t just a major heap of cow dung. She’s a scheming, vindictive piece of cow dung.

  Okay, a person can’t be cow dung, so that doesn’t really make sense, but I’m angry! I want her to pay. “I knew she hated us, but I never thought she’d do anything as stupid as this,” I say. “It’s career suicide! But Max . . . what have we ever done to Max?”

  “Shhh,” Sky hushes, still listening intently. “Max is saying something. ‘I wanted to write you the FA ending you would have wanted. I told you this was for our eyes only. You swore you wouldn’t show anyone. And this is how you repay me? Distributing copies to the whole cast and crew? Trying to get the show filmed behind Tom’s back? What were you thinking? You’ve successfully destroyed any chance either of us have of keeping our careers!’”

  “Oh my God.” The story begins to make sense. “Alexis thought that by charming the writers she could get better material, so she came on to Max to try to get him to help her.”

  “The girl is brilliant,” Sky says. “I only wish I had thought of that move when you were driving me up a wall.”

  “Thanks,” I say drily.

  Sky turns back to the window and gasps again. “What a . . . K, get this. Alexis just told Max, ‘If you think I’m taking the fall for this, you’re mistaken. You wrote the script be-cause you’re obsessed with me. I’ll tell Tom I had nothing to do with it. Who do you think he’ll believe?’ Max looks furious. He said, ‘You wouldn’t! How could you do that to me?’” Sky turns around. “We have to tell Tom.”

  I look at my watch. “Sky, it’s 9:55! We’ve missed most of our meeting and we only have five minutes left!”

  We take off running. All I’ve done today is run. I must be burning off a ton of calories. I could probably eat another brownie.

  We run past Tom’s assistant outside his office. “WAIT!” She hollers, but we don’t stop. We keep going and bust through Tom’s office door without knocking.

  “Tom! Tom!” We’re both talking at once, completely out of breath. “Tom, you have to give us five minutes!”

  I finally look around and realize Tom isn’t alone. Melli is sitting on his dark brown leather couch, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. Wait? What’s happened now?

  “You two are late.” His voice is gravelly. “Where have you been?”

  We start talking over each other, tripping over the words, trying to get out what we heard and saw. And Tom actually listens. Every few minutes he looks wordlessly over at Melli.

  “Girls,” Tom says in a warning tone I recognize from set. He usually uses that tone when we’re fighting with each other.

  “We can prove it!” Sky blurts out. “Call them down here! We’ll interrogate them ourselves. Please, Tom, you have to believe us.”

  “Sky, calm down,” Tom says evenly. “I believe you. I already know.”

  “You do? But how?” I want to know.

  Tom looks at Melli then back at us. “Your brother came and told me on Friday,” Tom says.

  I nearly fall over.

  “WHAT?” Sky shrieks.

  “Matty knew? Why didn’t he tell me?” I ask.

  “That’s why I wanted to speak to both of you this morning,” Tom says. “I wanted to tell you what happened and apologize for my behavior during all of this. I should have seen what was going on with Alexis. Instead, I was so busy being wowed by our new ratings and the network’s praises that I forgot about the two young ladies who have been my stars all along.” He smiles. “When all those stories started coming out about someone being fired, I should have assured you that you two weren’t going to be let go. The network wanted someone to take the fall for all the bad press and what happened in Vegas, but I never for one moment thought of getting rid of either of you.”

  “Thank you, Tom,” I say. It feels good to hear our boss say that. “But I still don’t understand how Matty knew about Alexis.”

  “Alexis slipped up in front of Matt after you two stormed off the set,” Tom explains. “She apparently tried to pay Matt to keep quiet and when that didn’t work, she even told him she’d date him for a few weeks to up his profile. He told her he’d think about it. Last Friday he came to me and told me what happened. He was really torn up about the whole thing and afraid to make matters worse for you and Sky. He thought Alexis would deny the whole story anyway and I would believe her over him. But I know the Burkes — they don’t lie. Matty’s story added up.” Tom smiles at me gratefully. “I’m sorry we kept you in the dark for a few days, but I begged Matt not to tell you, Kaitlin, till I spoke to our lawyers. I am so proud of Matt for coming forward. I don’t have to tell you that Matty has a thing for Alexis and it took a lot for him to confess. But he said he cared more about you, Kaitlin, and you being fired.”

  So Matty defended me and I’ve been ignoring him.

  He’s never going to let me live this down.

  “Since we don’t need any more bad press around this place, the network is going to say publicly that the script bandit has still not been found. Alexis will be let go, per her storyline, and Max will be fired due to budget cuts,” Tom says.

  “So that’s it, then. Alexis is out of here,” Sky says with glee.

  It’s over. My job is safe! I’ve got my work family back! Alexis is leaving! I feel like celebrating. Maybe I will have that big birthday party after all. The past few months of hell are finally over! Wait till I tell Austin and Liz, Rodney and Nadine, and . . .

  “Sit down, girls, there’s more,” Melli says, and judging by the look on her face, whatever it is, isn’t good. “Tom, tell them.”

  A lump forms in my throat and my voice is shaky. “Tell us what?” I ask. Suddenly I’m very afraid.

  Melli takes our hands in hers and clasps them tightly. “I’ve been thinking about this day for a very long time, girls, and it’s finally here. I’m leaving the show,” she says hoarsely. Tom takes a seat next to Melli and puts his arm around her shoulder. Sky and I sit down. I think my knees might buckle.

  “When the show started I was in my twenties,” Melli explains. “I figured a nighttime soap about a dysfunctional family would last five years at the most.” She laughs. “But it didn’t, and I got older, got married, got divorced, had babies, remarried, and I was still here.” She takes a breath. “This place has been wonderful, but it isn’t how I expected to spend almost two decades of my life.”

  “I thought you loved this show,” Sky says.

  “I do,” Melli assures us. “Even when the tabloids were writing about my failed first marriage or when they were complaining about set squabbles, this place has always been home.” She hesitates. “But maybe it’s time for a new home. After what I’ve seen go on here this year . . .” She shakes her head. “Well, I just think it’s time. There’s so much more I want to do with my career.”

  “You can’t leave us,” Sky says with a quiver of her pointy chin. Melli’s eyes fill with tears again. I see Tom’s eyes begin to tear up too. Sky sobs and I begin to hiccup.

  I can’t imagine this place without Melli. I don’t know if I can handle it. Melli is my work mom. She’s the backbone of this show. What will FA be like without her?

  “There’s more,” Tom says delicately. “Actually, girls, we’re both leaving.”

  “WHAT?” Sky and I shriek.

  “Melli and I have been together since the beginning and we had a pact that when
one of us was done with the show, we would leave together,” Tom says. “I love you all, but I can’t do this show without her. Melli told me at the beginning of the season that this might be her last one and we’ve been talking about it for months. This thing with Alexis and the script has only driven the point home further. It’s time to move on. This season will be Family Affair’s last.”

  Sky lets out an audible sob, but I’m in shock. Family Affair going off the air? It can’t be! This show is my home. What am I going to do? Where am I going to live?

  Oh wait. I do have a home. But still . . . this is my other home!

  “Fifteen seasons is an unbelievable run, you know,” Tom is saying. “The network would like FA to go out in style and we’ve given them enough notice to do that. We have the whole second half of the season to wrap up loose ends and give the fans closure.”

  Sky is inconsolable. She’s sobbing so hard that she can barely breathe. Tom gets her a glass of water. I, on the other hand, am suddenly a dam. I just can’t deal with the finality of it all. This has got to be a bad dream. FA can’t be over!

  “Girls, I know this is hard,” Melli says, “but you’re both young and extremely talented. As soon as this is announced, the offers will start pouring in.”

  “My life is over,” Sky says. “I’ll never get another TV show like this one. Never!”

  “I can’t imagine working on another show,” I agree. “Nothing will ever compare to the experience I’ve had on this one.”

  “The network would kill to work with you two again, despite everything,” Tom tells us. “They told me personally. You’ll probably get a call from them next week asking to take a meeting about creating your own series or about shooting a pilot.”

  Sky stops crying. “You think so?” She wipes her face and I notice her expression change.

  Tom laughs. “I know so. You girls have the world at your feet right now. And Melli and I finally have the freedom to do what we want. This is a good thing, girls. You’ll thank us someday.”

  “I can’t think of someday,” I say quietly. “All I can think about is now and how this is almost over.”

  He smiles. “Well, someday soon you’ll think about what you want to do next,” Tom says. “Pilot season is coming up. Maybe you’ll want to do another TV show. Or concentrate on films,” he says. “Wait and see how you feel after the official announcement is made in a few weeks.”

  “Please don’t tell anyone till then,” Melli says.

  “Your family, your agent, your manager, your friends, Matty,” Tom adds. “Nobody. I’ll tell the rest of the cast and crew beforehand, but for now, you three are the only ones who know. We don’t want this getting out to the press before we’re ready. We want FA to go out looking like the fine show it is. No more bad publicity.”

  My legs feel like they’re ready to collapse. My head is spinning and my mouth is dry. “I guess congratulations are in order,” I say shakily, and then I grab Melli, never wanting to let go.

  “We’re sorry you two have been having such a rough season,” Melli says as she hugs me. “But I can promise you the last half of this one will be a picnic.”

  “Alexis will film her final episode in a quickly wrapped up storyline next week,” Tom tells us. “And then we can get to the fun stuff. The studio wants to do it all.”

  HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER SIXTEEN: I guess I can take heart in the fact that a beloved TV show never really ends. Networks love to milk every last drop out of hot commodities. We have retrospective programs to plan, last goodbye videos to tape, favorite cast episodes to run. There will be last-season Emmy nods, possible spin-offs with popular characters (even though those shows usually bomb), and rumors about reunion specials. I won’t be saying goodbye to these people for a long time to come.

  “I’ll help you, Tom,” Sky says. “I’ve always thought the episode where Sara gets hit by a drunk driver should have won an Emmy. That should be rerun for sure. I want the executives to think of me as a versatile actress who could headline any series. Anything but one with twins. I deserve my own series. No offense, K.”

  I stop myself from rolling my eyes. I sense the old Sky returning.

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” Tom says. “What about you, Kates? How do you want to be remembered?”

  “Can I get back to you on that?” I ask as I head to the door. I think I need to go back to my dressing room and be alone for a while. “I have a lot to think about.”

  MONDAY, 11/11

  NOTE TO SELF:

  Figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

  FA2011 “Colby Says Goodbye” (CONTINUED)

  15 EXT. SUMMERVILLE BUS DEPOT— INT. SAM’S VOLKSWAGEN CABRIOLET CONVERTIBLE

  COLBY

  You didn’t have to drive me here, you know.

  SAM

  I know I didn’t. I wanted to.

  COLBY

  Even after all I’ve done to you? To your family?

  SAM

  (smiles) I’m trying to be the bigger person here. (Sam pulls a wad of fifties out of her wallet). Here. This should be enough to get you started wherever you go.

  COLBY

  You’re crazy, you know that? Why are you so desperate to fix me?

  SAM

  Because even if you aren’t my sister, for a short time you were my friend. And I know, despite how you tried to play my family, how you tampered with our blood work and everything you put my mother through with the maternity tests, the bottom line is you saved her life. Don’t you think that’s worth paying your bus fare?

  COLBY

  (opens the car door and slings her tattered green army bag over her shoulder) For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.

  SAM

  (grabs Colby) Wait. Before you go, please just tell me. What made you do it?

  COLBY

  You. Your sister. Your family. I thought, There is a family that has it all. I wanted to be part of that. To feel that loved for just a fraction of a second. I didn’t think about what that would cost everyone else.

  BUS DEPOT LOUD SPEAKER

  Final boarding call for bus 1104 to Las Vegas. This is the last call.

  COLBY

  Well, that’s me. I better go.

  SAM

  (lets go of Colby’s arm) Yeah, you’d better go.

  Sam steps out of her idling convertible and watches Colby walk away. As Colby hands the bus driver her bag and steps onto the bus, she takes a last look back at Sam. Sam waves as the doors close. The CAMERA PANS IN on Colby’s face as the bus pulls away. We hear tires screeching and the sound of feet running across the concrete pavement.

  SARA

  I knew I’d find you here! What are you doing?

  SAM

  Saying goodbye.

  SARA

  To her? Sammie, after all she’s done to us?

  SAM

  I know. I know. You don’t have to remind me.

  SARA

  She’s just lucky I wasn’t here to tell her what I really think of her!

  SAM

  Everyone at this bus station is lucky they didn’t have to hear that.

  SARA

  Ha-ha. Hey, how’d you find this filthy place? I didn’t even know Summerville had a bus station.

  SAM

  Sara! Of course we have a bus station. Colby came into town this way and wanted to go out the same way.

  SARA

  Did she say anything to you? I mean, did she say why she made our lives a living hell these past few months?

  SAM

  She said she wanted a family. Our family.

  SARA I guess you can’t blame her for that one. The Buchanans do rock.

  SAM

  (smiles) Rock? The Buchanans rock? Who are you?

  SARA

  According to Summerville Hospital’s finest, I’m your twin, darling.

  SAM

  I guess I’m stuck with you then.

  SARA

  I guess so. Let’s get out of here and go home.
>
  SAM

  Home sounds really great right now.

  Sam and Sara link arms and the CAMERA FADES OUT as the two walk to their cars. CUE MUSIC.

  Seventeen: The Last Supper

  This has never happened to me before. I’m out to dinner at Wolfgang Puck’s Cut, a swanky steakhouse in the Beverly Wilshire hotel, and the Burke brigade — Laney, Mom, Dad, Matty, and Nadine, in case anyone forgot who they are — have zilch to say.

  Not a single snide comment about a famous actress sitting at the next table who looks like she put on a few pounds, no critiques of my outfit (a green fitted corduroy blazer over a cream-colored sweater with Seven jeans and brown suede Pumas), and not a single thought on what my next career move should be.

  That’s because an hour into our “Ding-dong, Colby’s Dead, Thanks to Matt” lunch celebration (which Laney, Mom, and I gleefully organized), the studio released an exclusive statement to People online that sent my team into a tailspin: Family Affair will end its run in May. Of course I already knew. I had been dreading the release for weeks. I had no clue how to break the news to Mom and Dad or Matty or Laney, especially when we’re in the middle of toasting Matty’s bravado. Sigh. Sometimes it’s really hard being the only one in on a big secret.

  As soon as the People online link (titled “The Affair Is Of-ficially Over”) was sent to my Sidekick by Tom, I knew I had three minutes to tell everyone myself before they heard the news via cell phone, BlackBerry, or pager. I shut off my Sidekick and mobile so that I wouldn’t be interrupted and delicately broke the news.

  “Guys, it’s going to be okay,” I say for the umpteenth time. They haven’t said a single word in, like, ten minutes.

  “That’s easy for you to say,” Matt complains, stirring his Coke with a long straw. “Your career is set. You’ve been on that show practically since birth!” His arms are waving in a crisp white Polo that really brings out his tan. “I’ve only been on for half a season. No one will remember me when it comes time to film the show retrospective.”

  “I just can’t believe you’ve known for weeks and didn’t tell us.” Mom looks hurt. “Or at least tell your own mother.” She stares at the restaurant’s pristine high white ceiling (this place was designed by Getty Center architect Richard Meier) and fights back tears.