Secrets of My Hollywood Life: Family Affairs

by Jen Calonita

  “Mom, Tom and Melli told me I couldn’t tell anyone before the announcement,” I try. “I didn’t have a choice.” She doesn’t look at me. “We still have reason to celebrate,” I remind her. “Alexis is off the show and we still have half a season to shoot.” I turn to my brother, hunched in his chair and looking glum. “And Matty, Tom told me your character is in all of the remaining episodes.” He perks up. “Tom says we’re going to go out with a bang. People are going to remember Family Affair for a long time.”

  “And there’s always the DVD sales,” Dad points out. “Katie -Kat will make a killing when they release the final season on DVD. We should suggest to Tom that they also do a final episode DVD and a top-of-the-line box set of all fifteen seasons. The more DVDs, the more cash in our — I mean Kate-Kate’s — pockets.”

  “I would see some dough, wouldn’t I, Dad?” Matty looks up. “I am on the final season.” He pauses. “Can we get dessert after this?”

  “How can you think about food?” Mom groans.

  Cut’s menu has great high-priced food to drown your sorrows in, including tasty Kobe-style beef, lobster-and-crab Louis cocktail, and rare Wagyu beef. I ordered the grilled Sonoma lamb chops.

  “Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m really proud of how you’re handling this, Kates.” Nadine is beaming. “No tears, no freak-outs. You’re acting very grown-up.”

  “Thanks.” I blush. “I’ve been thinking things over and trying to concentrate on my future.” Okay, that’s a lie. I’m in total denial. That’s the only reason I haven’t flipped out yet.

  “Yes, the future,” Laney repeats, staring into the other dining room that leads to the brick-lined patio. “Let’s talk about your next move so I can release a statement.”

  Mom perks up. “We should call Seth and set up a meeting to take a look at prospective offers,” Mom says, more to Laney than me. “I’m sure they’ll be pouring in this afternoon.

  Movies, TV shows, she’ll have a lot to pick from.”

  Whoa. She’s moving too fast.

  Laney pulls out her BlackBerry and begins typing herself a note. “We can say Kaitlin is mulling over offers and will announce her next project soon. What do you think about another TV show?” she asks my mom.

  Wait! I can’t decide right now. “Well, I was thinking . . .” I start to say, but Mom interrupts, so I turn to the waiter and ask for a soda refill.

  “No,” Mom says, shaking her head so that her honey-colored hair flaps in her face. “How many stars transition from one hit TV show to the next?”

  “Frasier,” Dad says. “That was a spin-off of Cheers.”

  “Joey,” Nadine groans. “Even the popularity of Friends couldn’t launch that show.”

  “Good point,” Laney observes. “Movies it is. Should we go for action? A big-name director again and huge stars? Or maybe the independent route? Get Kaitlin involved in the festival circuit for a while. Beef up her art appeal?”

  I feel around in my leopard-print Louis Vuitton satchel for my Sidekick and turn it on to see if Austin’s around. The gadget buzzes to life and I see I already have sixty-three messages. Yikes. Word travels fast in this town. I scan the list and see WOOKIESRULE. Austin. I open it up and quickly reply. He gets back to me right away, allowing me to tune out the ongoing discussion about my career taking place without me.

  WOOKIESRULE: Hey. How R U holding up? Liz just got the news from her dad.

  PRINCESSLEIA25: OK. Sorry U didn’t hear it from me first. I was sworn 2 secrecy. That was rough. W/ Laney & Mom now. They’re not taking it so well.

  WOOKIESRULE: Shocker. :)

  WOOKIESRULE: They’ll get used 2 it. You will 2. Maybe it’s the change U need 2 shake things up, U know?

  PRINCESSLEIA25: U R right.

  WOOKIESRULE: Remember: change w/ work. Change w/ school. Not w/ boyfriend.

  PRINCESSLEIA25: Never! :)

  WOOKIESRULE: I think U need cheering up anyway. Let’s celebrate UR b-day. Plz?

  PRINCESSLEIA25: NO! No b-day plans! U promised!

  WOOKIESRULE: I said I’d think about it. I’ve got 2 do something! Especially now. U need a party.

  PRINCESSLEIA25: No parties!

  WOOKIESRULE: How many people do U consider a party? :)

  PRINCESSLEIA25: Noooooooooo parties!

  WOOKIESRULE: Under 25 OK?

  PRINCESSLEIA25: Aargh! If U want 2 do something, make it small. U, me, and a slice of pizza, OK?

  WOOKIESRULE: Hmm . . . good idea. Got 2 go. Mr. Hammond is staring. Hang in there. Chin up & remember: don’t let them decide UR next move w/o U!

  Good point.

  “I think that’s a great plan, don’t you, Kaitlin?” Mom is asking.

  I slide my Sidekick off my lap into my purse. Nadine gives me a look. “Hmm?”

  “Peter Jackhom,” Mom says in exasperation.

  I’m confused. “Oh, he’s great. Ring Keeper had a real Star Wars vibe to it with all the good versus evil mumbo jumbo. Why?”

  “He’s contemplating a new trilogy that will film in New Zealand,” Laney says.

  “He’s shooting the films back-to-back so the whole thing will take roughly eighteen months,” Nadine adds with a “they’re nuts” look.

  “EIGHTEEN MONTHS?” I shriek, startling our waiter as he brings me my lunch. I have a habit of doing that. No Austin for eighteen months? Eighteen months abroad? I want a change, but not one this big. “I think that’s more time away than I can handle,” I say.

  Mom sighs and stares at the see-through view of Cut’s kitchen. “Laney, what else do you have?”

  Laney reads from her BlackBerry. “Seth says he has a new script with Clooney that will film in Romania. Sounds delish. And a musical with Angelina that shoots in L.A. next summer. He’s also got a new script from Quentin that has hit written all over it. Pretty gory though. Do we want Kaitlin to do a horror film?”

  “Hmm, I’m not sure,” Dad says to Mom. “I think that would be a step backward. Most girls do horror to get noticed and Kaitlin is already noticed.”

  “I don’t want to do horror,” I say, but no one listens.

  “It could give her visibility in an area she’s never been seen in before,” Mom argues. “It could throw the public for a real loop and open a bunch of new doors.”

  “So would working with Neil LaBute, but I’m not sure we want her getting naked for her next role,” Laney argues.

  “A musical sounds like a good idea. Could we find something like Hairspray?” Matty asks. “They could cast me at the same time. I’ve heard Kaitlin sing in the shower. She’s not that bad.”

  “She was pretty good that day at karaoke,” Laney agrees. “I’m sure if we got her a voice coach and started working with her right away she would be ready if they ever decide to turn Wicked into a movie.”

  I can’t say it’s a bad idea, now that I’m over my fear of singing in public, but still. I feel my head begin to spin. This is déjà vu all over again. I feel faint. They’re going too fast for me. FA’s demise was only announced min utes ago!

  “Wicked is all about vocals,” Nadine counters. “I don’t know if Kaitlin could pull off Galinda. Maybe we should think of something else.”

  “I don’t want to do a . . .” I start.

  “Maybe you’re right.” Mom drowns me out. “What did you say Neil LaBute is doing next?”

  I think I’m going to explode. They’re going to pick my next move without asking me if I don’t stop them. I need time to think. I want to tackle things one at a time, just like

  Austin said, so that I don’t make any more mistakes.

  “But the nudity!” Laney is saying.

  I am so not doing a nude scene. “Guys?” I say.

  Mom shrugs. “That never hurt Scarlett Johansson. If it’s done tastefully, I wouldn’t be opposed.”

  “Ewww,” Matty says. “I don’t want to see my sister naked!”

  “Guys?” I try again.

  “I’m not sure I wou
ld want to sit through that either.” Dad frowns. “I think we should go back to discussing another TV show. Fine-tuning an engine never hurt anyone. Maybe all Kaitlin needs is a TV show with more grease. You know what I’m saying?”

  “Doesn’t anyone want to hear what I think?” I ask, but no one is listening.

  “Let me say this again: Joey!” Nadine says.

  “STOP!” I yell. Everyone freezes, including our waiter. Mom drops her fork, which makes a loud clink! as it hits her steak salad, which looks pretty yummy, by the way. Everyone stares at me in stunned silence.

  “Kaitlin,” Mom stutters. “What’s wrong with you? You can’t yell in Cut, for God’s sake.”

  “I’m sorry, Mom, but I’m not having another conversation about my career unless I’m part of it,” I say firmly. “This is my career we’re talking about and no one has asked me what I want to do.”

  “What do you want to do?” Mom says in what I consider a mocking tone.

  I pause. “Well, I’m not sure yet,” I admit. Matty groans. “But I want a little time to figure it out without you guys coming up with a game plan first.”

  “How much time do you need? Would a week from Monday be enough time?” Laney asks, punching what I assume is her calendar up on her BlackBerry. Mom and Dad do the same and I see Matty whip out his Sidekick. Nadine shakes her head.

  I pull out my Sidekick so that I look just as efficient. “No, I don’t think that will be enough time,” I say firmly. Laney looks at me in surprise. “I agree with you guys that the next decision I make is a big one, but I’ve been on Family Affair so long I don’t even know what I’d like to do next. I need a few weeks to figure that out on my own. I have a problem with being too impulsive.” I think of my stint at Clark High, my driving class debacle. “I don’t want to rush into anything this time around. I want some time to really think about my options.”

  “But Katie-Kate, you spend every summer hiatus shooting something, whether it’s a TV movie or a film. How can you not know what you like?” Mom asks.

  “Usually you guys pick my summer movie by committee,” I remind her. “I know I pushed for the Adams flick, but most of the time, you show me the roles you think I would like. I want a chance to make my own decision for a change.” I look at Mom. “You can have Seth send me all the scripts you want.” And I look at Dad. “And you can suggest TV shows.” I look at Matt. “Ones that might be right for both of us.” I glance at Laney. “And ones that have the most potential to give my career a grown-up makeover. But in the end, I want to make the decision and it has to be one I’m excited about.” I look at Nadine, who is smiling. “I want to weigh all my options. Not just film or TV. I want to explore the same things other teens do.” I pause. “Like going to college.”

  “Not the speech about college again, Kaitlin,” Mom moans. She begins nervously pulling on her hair extensions. “I thought you were over the school thing! Look what happened when you went to Clark.”

  “That was a disaster,” Matty seconds. “You’re crazy to want to try that again. Why would you want to take time off when your career is hot?”

  “Most stars’ careers tank when they take time off for college,” Laney reminds me for the umpteenth time.

  “That’s not true.” Nadine defends me. “Natalie Portman has done quite well.”

  “Name five girls who have actually gotten their degree. They all seem to drop out. And if they don’t, how many of them actually come back to the same career?” Laney chal-lenges.

  “I’m not saying I’m going,” I interrupt. “I just said I need time to think. Anyway, this is my decision. I’m turning seventeen in a few weeks . . .”

  “That’s right!” Matt is excited. “Can I plan Kaitlin’s party this year, Dad? The press would love me for being such a cool brother. You would foot the bill, of course.”

  “I’m not having a party,” I say. “I’m not having any big parties, because I hate them. I hate a crowd of people I don’t know.”

  “I always liked your parties.” Dad looks disappointed. “They were great for networking.”

  “My point is, I’ll be seventeen soon and eighteen in a year and then you won’t be able to tell me what to do anyway.” Mom and Laney gasp.

  “That’s nonsense,” Mom scoffs. “You always listen to us.”

  “I just mean that when I’m eighteen, I’ll be an adult and won’t have to make all my choices by committee,” I add, softening a bit after Mom practically chokes on a hunk of steak. “It’s still my life and my career and I think the end of Family Affair is a great time for me to think about shaking things up. I like the idea of doing some festival flicks or doing a TV show with a character that is the complete opposite of Sam, but I also want to look into taking classes about art and history. I don’t want to look back ten years from now and realize I missed out on something I really wanted to do.”

  Mom looks pale. I think my speech may have been too much for her.

  “Would you consider cutting a CD? Mom and Laney said you sounded great that day they heard you. I could call Clive Davis right now and set up a meeting,” Dad says. Mom looks at me hopefully.

  “I wouldn’t call him just yet,” I say. “We still have months left on FA before I can do anything else.” Thank God. I’m really not ready for the show to be over.

  “Don’t take too much time,” Laney warns. “Pilot season is coming up and if you wait, all the good ones will be gone. If you have an inkling that you’d like to do another TV show, you should decide after the holidays. The town shuts down in December anyway so we can wait till early January.”

  “January sounds fair,” I agree. “I want to look at the end of FA as a beginning and you guys can help me work out my options by giving me some space to figure out what that new beginning should be.”

  “I think that’s a really mature decision, Kates,” Nadine says. “And one that your work will benefit from.”

  My mom looks from my dad to Laney and then to Matty. She avoids Nadine’s penetrating stare. “Okay,” Mom says simply. “We’ll give you till January.”

  “Thanks.” I immediately feel relieved. I wave over our waiter. “Bring us over one of each of your desserts,” I tell him. “We’re celebrating.”

  “Are we still celebrating Alexis’s departure?” Dad looks confused. “Or your slightly bossy independent streak?”

  I grin. “Both. Just as soon as I get back from the loo.”

  “I’ll join you,” Nadine says.

  I walk confidently through the crowded restaurant. Who knew it could feel this good to be assertive? Sure, Mom and Laney will probably forget my speech by the time they reach Mulholland Drive. I’ll probably have to give it to them again and again, but eventually I’ll drive the point home. Especially now that I know for certain what the point is.

  “You were great,” Nadine whispers as I push open the bathroom door. “You should have seen your mom’s face! I thought she was going to need a face-lift on the spot.”

  I laugh, but stop when I see who’s standing at the bathroom mirror reapplying her Lip Venom. It’s Alexis Holden. I should have known that chill wasn’t from an overworked central air unit.

  Even though it’s only been a few weeks since I’ve seen Alexis, she already looks different. She’s got a short bob and is wearing a sleek but conservative black pantsuit. She must be on a lunch meeting. Before I can decide whether to slip back out the door or march right past her, she sees me.

  “Well, if it isn’t America’s sweetheart.” Alexis’s voice is like syrup. “Guess you’re feeling pretty stupid about getting me canned now that your own show is going off the air. Who’s the loser now?”

  “It’s still you,” I counter. “You’re out of our hair, which was the most important thing, and now our show can get back to being the class act it always was.”

  “You’re an idiot,” Alexis declares. A gray-haired older woman, who looks vaguely familiar, skips the hand washing and hurries out the door, leaving us alone.


  “Kaitlin, let’s go,” Nadine says. “You don’t need to listen to her garbage.”

  “No, I’m going to finish this,” I say. “I’m the idiot?” I ask. “I’m not the one who hit on one of our writers and distributed a mock script. You screwed up. You cost yourself your job and probably your career. I had nothing to do with it.”

  “My career is hotter than ever,” Alexis counters. “I’m actually here taking a meeting with Fox about a film, Paris Is Burning.”

  “She’s lying,” Nadine tells me. “Paris Is Burning was shot last winter.”

  Alexis snickers. “They hated Ciara Covington’s performance and are reshooting most of the movie, including all of Ciara’s scenes. Fox thinks I have what it takes to make the film a shoo-in for the Oscars.” Her eyes are blazing. “You see, Kaitlin? There are people in this town who love a bit of scandal and I’m going to ride that wave into the sunset while you and Sky watch your careers die this May. You actually did me a favor. You got me off that show before it completely fell apart. I hope you enjoy your fall.” Alexis pushes past Nadine and me and I grab her forearm.

  “Good luck out there, Alexis,” I say simply.

  Alexis rolls her eyes at me as she pulls open the door. I walk over to the mirror and splash some water on my face.

  “Why did you let her talk to you like that?” Nadine asks.

  “Karma.” I grin.

  I tell Nadine HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER SEVEN-TEEN. Extensive reshoots can mean the kiss of death on a movie. While the studio responsible for the flick will probably say the film just needed a little adjusting, many reshoots stem from bad test screenings. If an audience hates the ending, then something better be done quick or it’s straight to DVD for that release! To be fair, sometimes the studio requests reshoots, or a director decides he needs additional footage to ensure that his masterpiece in no way resembles another director’s masterpiece. But changing the lead in a movie after the movie’s already been shot? Yikes. Alexis is going to be back in Vancouver begging the Canadian Broadcasting Network for a bad movie of the week in no time. Getting a DVD of that to watch with a tub of gooey popcorn and Raisinettes will be my best revenge.