Stuff White People Like

by Christian Lander

  The reason white people love architecture so much is that deep down they believe they could have been great architects. They feel the same way about other professions, including professor, writer, and politician.

  Also of note: White people love big books about architecture. So if you need to get one a gift, this always goes over well because it makes them feel smart without having to read too much.

  35 The Daily Show with Jon Stewart / The Colbert Report

  The Daily Show/Colbert Report are held in such high regard by white people that to criticize them would be the equivalent of setting the pope on fire in Italy in 1822. It just isn’t done; in fact, it couldn’t even be considered!

  White people love to make fun of politics, especially right-wing politics. It’s a pretty easy target and makes for some decent humor. But what’s interesting is that white people are actually starting to believe that these two shows are legitimate news sources. “Oh, I don’t watch the news,” they will say. “I watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. You know, studies show that viewers of those shows are more educated than people who watch Fox News or CNN.”

  White women all consider Jon Stewart to be the most perfect man on the planet. This is not a debate, it is law.

  The Daily Show also features guests like John McCain, writers, policy analysts, and actors. It is comforting for white people to see boring celebrities get interviewed in a funny fashion. It fills their need to do something productive, but also not to work that hard at it.

  Take note that Tuesday through Friday during the working week, you can break all awkward silences with white people by saying, “Did you see The Daily Show/Colbert Report last night?” At which point they will start talking until you are ready to move on to more interesting activities.

  36 Brunch

  When Loverboy sang “Everybody’s working for the weekend,” they meant that you work all week so that you can earn a break and go to some sweet bars or concerts and rock out as hard as possible because you have two days for the hangover to fix itself. Well, white people work for the weekend, except that their only goal is to eat brunch on Saturday or Sunday at one of their favorite breakfast places.

  These places are restaurants that specialize in breakfast food and are usually only open from 8:00 A.M. to 2:00 P.M., and if you arrive at any time after 9:30, prepare to wait for up to an hour with white people who cannot wait to get vegan pancakes, eggs benedict, waffles, or deluxe French toast.

  To a white person, there is no better way to spend a Saturday morning than to get up late, around 9:30, pile into the Audi or Volvo, and drive to one of these little places and eat brunch with friends. Often these brunches last for an hour or more (hence the long lines and wait times). Some white people take it to the next level and bring their dog, a newspaper, or even a laptop.

  If you plan on dealing with white people, it will serve you well to know some local brunch places. This will also come in handy if you pick someone up at ’80s night. In white-person law, if you meet someone at ’80s night and then go out for brunch the next morning, you are automatically in a relationship. There are no exceptions.

  37 Renovations

  All white people are born with a singular mission in life in order to pass from regular whitehood into ultra-whitehood. Just as Muslims have to visit Mecca, all white people must eventually renovate a house before they can be complete.

  Of course, most white people do not reach this goal until they are 35 or older. But the need to do it is as instinctual as walking. But it is important to note that white people have little or no interest in renovating a suburban home built after 1960 (except in Southern California). All white people dream about buying an older property (“with character”) in a city, and then renovating it so the insides look all modern, with a stainless-steel fridge.

  Though the seed is planted from birth, it really starts to grow when renovations take place in a family home during childhood. They don’t understand why there are so many men with mustaches in their kitchen, but they know that the men will be gone in a few weeks, leaving behind a nicer kitchen and a happier mommy/daddy/life partner of parent.

  Please note that all white people went through a renovation when they were kids. This is a good subject to bond over, perhaps with a story about how you were embarrassed at a sleepover when a friend went to the bathroom and there was a contractor on the toilet. Embellish as necessary.

  38 Arrested Development

  Even though most white people prefer to say that they don’t watch TV, one thing they agree on is that Arrested Development was the best show ever. They love it so much!

  They love it for a number of reasons. First, since the show was canceled before it jumped the shark, it’s effectively like a rocker who dies at 27. Also, the show got terrible ratings, meaning that it wasn’t “mainstream,” which makes white people love it universally. Other examples of shows like this are Twin Peaks and The Ben Stiller Show.

  They also love it because the show likes to make references to popular culture, and if there is one thing that white people love, it’s cultural references that they understand (see Garden State, The Onion, and Juno for examples).

  If you are ever at a white person’s house and you see an orange box in their DVD collection, you should say, “Oh, you have Arrested Development. I love that show!” To which you will be offered a glass of wine, and perhaps an invitation to ’80s night.

  Also of note: The hip-hop group Arrested Development is also loved by white people.

  39 Netflix

  We all know white people love film festivals, but what about movies that don’t make it to a film festival, or weren’t in the local film festival? How do you get access? Thankfully, white people have Netflix.

  If you don’t know, Netflix sends you DVDs in the mail, and you get new ones when you send the old ones back.

  White people are absolutely crazy for Netflix because all of them are convinced that there is a global conspiracy to keep good, independent, ground-breaking films from mainstream distribution (multiplexes, Blockbuster, etc.). To them, Netflix (in spite of being a for-profit company) is a brand-new way for independent filmmakers to find an audience. By subscribing, white people believe that they are changing the film industry, supporting innovation, and contributing to a cultural revolution in film.

  If you see a group of white people and you need to break into the conversation, a good thing to say is “Hey, is anyone else thinking that Netflix shipping is getting slower? I’m doing this P. T. Anderson thing, and I’m only up to Magnolia! What’s that all about?” They will relate, and talk about their own Netflix queues and how they are trying to get caught up on French New Wave.

  * * *

  Typical White-Person DVD Rack

  Mulholland Dr. “Lynch at his finest. It took me awhile to figure this one out. I have a theory…but it would take me about an hour to explain it.”

  Donnie Darko “The most underrated film of all time."

  Rashomon “Oh, you liked Run Lola Run? Watch this one first. Kurosawa is God.”

  Sixteen Candles “If you don’t love John Hughes, I don’t want to know you.”

  Pulp Fiction “I saw this in theaters three times. It made me want to be a filmmaker.”

  Clerks “Did you know the rights to the songs cost more than the film?” (White people love movie trivia.)

  Juno “The character of Juno reminds me of me.”

  Fight Club “I’m amazed this film was done by a big studio.”

  Memento “I love the play on traditional narrative.”

  Apocalypse Now “I read Heart of Darkness by Conrad before watching this film.”

  Garden State “Portman, great soundtrack, a real message? Sign me up.”

  A Clockwork Orange “Kubrick’s masterpiece is as true today as it was back then. Ahead of his time.”

  Monty Python and the Holy Grail “You should watch this with me sometime, I can recite the whole thing. Word for word!”

  * * *


  40 Apple Products

  It is surprising that it took all the way to #40 to call out Apple products. Truthfully, it might be more productive to devote the entire 40s to the various Apple products that integrate into a white person’s life.

  Plain and simple, white people don’t just like Apple, they love Apple and need it to operate.

  On the surface, you would ask yourself how white people could love a multibillion-dollar company with manufacturing plants in China and mass production, and that contributes to global pollution through the manufacture of consumer electronic devices. The simple answer: Apple products tell the world you are creative and unique. They are an exclusive product line only used by every white college student, designer, writer, English teacher, and hipster on the planet.

  You see, a long time ago Macs were superpopular among layout artists and graphic designers. Then Apple released Final Cut Pro, and it became the standard for film editors. As a result, lots of creative industries used Apple computers instead of PCs. Eventually, people started making the connection, and all of a sudden all white people need to have a Mac.

  When you ask white people about Macs they will say, “Oh, it’s so much better than Windows,” “It’s just easier to use,” “They are so cutting edge,” and so forth. What’s amazing is that white people need to meet people who use Windows to justify themselves spending an extra $500 for a pretty-looking machine.

  It is also important that white people are reminded of their creativity; remember, you need a Mac to creatively check email, creatively check websites, and creatively watch DVDs on planes.

  White people also need iPods, iPhones, Apple TV, AirPort, and anything else that Apple will produce, because they need to express their uniqueness by purchasing everything that a publicly traded company produces.

  Apple products also come with stickers. Some people put them on their computers, some people put them on windows, but to take this to the pinnacle of whiteness, you need to put the Apple sticker in the rear window of your Prius, Jetta, BMW, Subaru 4WD station wagon, or Audi. You then need to drive to a local coffeeshop (Starbucks will do in a pinch) and set up your Apple for the world to see. Thankfully, the Apple logo on the back will light up! So even in a dark place, people can see how unique and creative you (and the five other people next to you doing the exact same thing) truly are!

  Knowledge of Apple products can be useful in a number of social situations. If you see a white person with a Mac, an easy way to approach them is to say, “Is that a Powerbook? What OS do you have?” They will happily start talking to you, and after the requisite five minutes you can invite them to a screening of a documentary.

  41 Indie Music

  If you want to understand white people, you need to understand indie music. As mentioned before, white people hate anything that’s “mainstream” and are desperate to find things that are more genuine, unique, and reflective of their experiences.

  Fortunately, they have independent music.

  A white person’s iPod (formerly CD collection) is not merely an assemblage of music that they enjoy. It is what defines them as a person. They are always on the lookout for the latest hot band that no one has heard of, so that one day they can hit it just right and be into a band before it is featured in an Apple commercial. To a white person, being a fan of a band before it gets popular is one of the most important things they can do with their life. They can hold it over their friends forever!

  Indie music also produces a lot of concerts, at which white people can meet other white people. Concerts are useful, because if white people are attending the same concert, it means they both like the artist and can easily strike up a conversation that will flow from band at the show other bands they like where they went to/go to school where to get the best vegan food in town agreement to meet at said restaurant for awkward date.

  It is worth noting that white people are expected to stay current with music and go to concerts well into their forties. Unlike at dance or hip-hop clubs, there are few stigmas attached to being the “old guy at the club.”

  WARNING: Indie music is perhaps the most dangerous subject you can discuss with white people. One false move and you will lose their respect and admiration forever. Here are some general rules:

  • Bands that have had their songs in an Apple ad are still marginally acceptable.

  • Bands that have had their songs in ads for other companies are not acceptable.

  • If you mention a band you like and the other person has heard of it, you lose. They own you. It is essential that you like the most obscure music possible.

  Remember, popular artists can turn unpopular in a heartbeat (Ryan Adams, Bright Eyes, the Strokes), so you would be best to stick to the following statements: “I love Arcade Fire” “I still think the Montreal scene is the best in the world” “I would die without Stereogum or Fluxblog”*1; and “Joanna Newsom is maybe the most original artist today.”

  42 Sushi

  Regardless of whether they are vegetarian, vegan, or just guilty about eating meat, all white people love sushi. To them, it’s everything they want: foreign culture, expensive, healthy, and hated by the “uneducated.”

  But there are different levels of white-person sushi love. At the bottom are the spicy tuna/California roll eaters. These are the people who get their fix at places named Rock And Roll!, Magic Sushi Company, or Trader Joe’s–type supermarkets. Often this sushi isn’t the most authentic, but white people can’t get enough!

  The next level up is the entry-level sushi snob. These are people who still love rolls but are willing to branch out to salmon and tuna sashimi, maybe even eel.

  Finally, you have the white sushi snob. These people just take it all way too far. Often they will sit only at the sushi bar, will try to order in Japanese, and will only order the omakase. These people will often be extremely critical of anyone who eats a roll of any type or does not properly flip the nigiri into his mouth.

  When white people get sushi, they all want to order sake to complete the authentic experience.

  So how can this information be turned into personal gain?

  White people are obsessed with finding good sushi; therefore, if you offer to take them to “the best sushi place” in town, you are sure to have them accept. If you are an Asian man, this is an almost no-fail method of getting dates with white girls, and maybe, just maybe, joining Bruce Lee and Paul Kariya’s dad.

  In addition, going out for sushi is considered a special evening in white-person culture. Not as special as brunch, but still, it comes with expectations.

  But what if the person you are interested in is a vegetarian? Not a problem. For some reason, most white people who say they are vegetarians will eat sushi. Apparently, fish aren’t cute enough to warrant inclusion with pigs, chickens, and cows.

  43 Plays

  While white people certainly love “the cinema,” they are required to balance their interest in film with an interest in live theater, most notably, plays.

  In spite of plays having minimal sets, no special effects, an intermission, and a higher admission price, white people believe that live theater is essential to any cultured city. It is not known if white people actually enjoy plays or if they are just victims of massive peer pressure from the 75 percent of white people who have acted in a play at some point in their life.

  The only real advice around this subject is to never accept an invitation from a white person to go see a play. Often you will be supporting their friend or cousin and then get stuck with a $45 ticket (at least) and three hours of trying to figure how close you are to the end.

  44 Public Radio

  The lack of a television has left many white people without viable entertainment, and as much as they would like to believe that they can read books during every moment of their free time, it’s simply not possible. They need something to fill the gap and provide background noise while they play on the Internet. They need public radio.

  Public r
adio provides white people with news and information that has the proper perspective (their own). It is very important for white people to have a news source that isn’t tied to profits or major corporations; public radio has the freedom to pursue hard-hitting stories and provide the only truly objective voice in the national media. Because if a news outlet were to depend on one source for their funding, it would have to constantly produce stories that interest and reassure that group, thus making it almost worthless to people outside of that group. You are probably thinking, “Wait a second, doesn’t public radio get most of its money through donations by white people?” If so, you are right, and while this sort of explains NPR’s programming choices, political bias, and staff, it’s not a good idea to point it out to white people.

  But not everything is political. Public radio also features This American Life, hosted by Ira Glass. For white women without a television, he is considered the ideal man (ahead of Jon Stewart). The program features a collection of white people doing stories about minorities and the wrong kind of white people. It is very entertaining and is the safest and easiest way for white people to learn about these groups.