Stuff White People Like

by Christian Lander

  There are many other shows, and literally anything you hear is an appropriate and excellent topic of conversation, provided you announce that you heard about it on NPR before approaching the subject. For example: “I heard this fascinating piece on NPR about chlamydia. It got me thinking, do any of you have an STD?” Normally this would be a very offensive question, but phrased in the context of NPR it is considered acceptable.

  Overall, the lesson here is that if you want your time with white people to go smoothly, there are few things you can do that are more effective than listening to public radio.

  45 Asian Fusion Food

  In much the same way white people often believe that adding truffle oil to something will always make it better, there is a long-standing belief that adding “Asian” to anything is an improvement. The most popular things for white people to infuse with “Asian influence” are furniture, film, animation, interior design, personal style, children, and perhaps most important, food.

  It is true that many white people demand especially authentic Asian food and will often seek out the most authentic experiences. However, these restaurants generally do not feature staff who understand the question “Yes, but did you use these same pots to cook any meat? You see, I’m vegan, and I cannot eat any vegetables that were prepared in pots that have been used to cook meat.”

  An Asian fusion restaurant is a fantastic compromise where white people can use chopsticks and get definitive answers about the use of gluten in the food, all while being surrounded by modern black furniture and Asian-inspired art.

  With their beautiful wait staff, décor, and trendy music, these restaurants are the equivalent of a white guy with an Asian girlfriend and a Chinese or Japanese character tattoo that says “truth.”

  The bar at an Asian fusion restaurant will also feature a full list of drinks that are made with exotic Asian liquors like soju. White people cannot resist the opportunity to prove to their friends that they are not only wine experts, but true connoisseurs of sake. If you need to gain their trust, ask for a recommended drink—they will love it.

  Because of their high cost and small portions, these locations are best used for formal dinners. As such, if a white person invites you to one, it can be appropriately interpreted as a romantic gesture.

  46 The Sunday New York Times

  Mornings are exceptionally important to white people, as witnessed by their love of brunch places. However, some white people never go out for breakfast on a Sunday morning. The reason? The Sunday edition of The New York Times.

  A perfect white Sunday generally works like this: Wake up at around 8:45; if the paper has been delivered, retrieve the paper and begin a pot of coffee. If the paper has not been delivered, a white person will go out and usually buy the supplies needed for breakfast—bagels, orange juice, lox, cream cheese, or waffle mix. Some white people even pick up freshly brewed coffee with the paper!

  Once coffee, food, and the newspaper have been procured, white people put on extra-mellow music (jazz, classical, or, for the cooler ones, ambient trip-hop or something along those lines). They then proceed to read each section of the paper, stopping periodically to tell their partner about the interesting news they have just seen. “Looks like another civil war might break out in Africa” “Did you see that the Met is doing Tristan and Isolde?”

  White couples usually fight over who gets to read the Sunday Magazine first. How do we know this? They will tell us repeatedly about how they always fight over the Sunday Magazine.

  But note well that the sports section will always remain perfectly creased and unread, unless they have a teenage son. So on Monday morning, if you need to impress your co-workers, choose to talk about something you read in the Book Review, the Magazine, or Sunday Styles.

  All white people are expected to read the Sunday Times. You are given an exemption during your early college years, but by age 22 it is pretty much law.

  47 Liberal Arts Degrees

  When white people go to college, they tend to study what are known as the Liberal Arts. This includes actual Art, English, History, Classics, and Philosophy. These can, of course, be broken down further into Film, Womyn’s Studies (yes, the spelling is correct), Communications, Gender Studies, and so forth. It is important to note that a high percentage of white people also get degrees in Political Science, which is pretty much like Liberal Arts, and only seems to have the word science in it to make white people feel better about themselves.

  These degrees enable white people to spend four years of their lives reading books, writing papers, and feeling great about themselves. It is a known fact that Liberal Arts students firmly believe that they are doing you/society a favor by reading Proust and not getting a job. They then protest for reduced tuition, more money for the arts, and special reduced student rates on things like bus passes.

  But what about the white people who study Science, Engineering, and Business? Unless they become doctors, they essentially lose white-person status (which can be regained only by working at a nonprofit).

  So why would white people spend all that time studying and working to get into college if they are just going to read books that they might have read in their free time? Because white people have it made. They can take that degree and easily parlay it into a job at a nonprofit, in an art gallery, or in publishing. If the pay is low, no problem—their parents will happily help out with rent until they magically start making six figures or nonmagically turn 40.

  White people can also take that degree and go to graduate school, and eventually become professors or adjunct professors. They will still require parental support. If they are really ambitious and need to make money, they can take that degree and go to law school.

  But the real reason white people need these degrees is so that they can sound smart at parties. Of course, it trickles down to making connections, getting hired, knowing rich people, and so forth. But ultimately it all begins by saying, “Reading Henry James was the most rewarding part of undergrad.”

  Using this to your advantage can be very difficult as attempts to talk about the books they skimmed while hungover can mate them hate you for exposing them. It is best to say that you were a first-generation college student and your parents demanded that you study math, chemistry, economics, or computer science. You had to read Joyce on your own.

  48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops

  White people need organic food to survive, and where they purchase this food is as important as what they buy. In the community, Whole Foods stores have replaced churches and cathedrals as the most important and relevant buildings in society. There are some regions that do not have Whole Foods but do have an abundance of white people (college towns). In these situations Whole Foods can be substituted with a local co-op grocery store.

  All of these stores are pretty much the same: lots of vegetables, grainfed free-range meat and eggs, and soy everything. They are also characterized by an outrageously large section of vitamins, supplements, and natural oils. There are natural, handmade soaps that give these stores a distinct identical smell.

  Many white people consider shopping at Whole Foods to be a religious experience, one that allows them to feel good about their consumption, with the use of paper bags and biodegradable packaging. The numerous pamphlets outlining the company’s policy on hormones, genetically modified food, and energy savings belie the fact that Whole Foods is a profit-driven, publicly traded corporation that has wisely discovered that making white people feel good about buying stuff is outrageously profitable.

  As you walk through a Whole Foods or co-op you will see white people pushing carts, buying things like flaxseed oil, wine, tofu versions of meat, and organic kohlrabi. These stores also provide prepared foods, which single white people often purchase to avoid cooking. This is important information, as this section of the store is loaded with single white people.

  These stores are excellent places for taking children, as there is nothing that they actually want.

/>   “Oh, Mommy, look, chocolate!”

  “No, Joshua, that’s carob.”

  “I want it.”

  “OK.”

  The child will then take a bite and realize that nothing in the store can be trusted.

  49 Vintage

  The love affair between white people and old stuff goes back literally hundreds of years. In the older days it was almost exclusively contained within the realm of furniture. However, while white people still love antiques, these don’t always fit so well with a modern lifestyle and kitchen.

  Beginning in their late teens, white people begin an obsession with finding cool vintage clothing at local thrift shops and Goodwill stores. Making purchases at these locations helps to meet a number of white-person needs.

  First, it allows them to say, “Oh, this? I got this shirt at Goodwill for three dollars.” This statement focuses the attention on the shirt, taking attention away from the $350 jeans and $200 shoes. The white person can then retain that precious “indie” cred.

  Second, it allows a white person to have something that other white people don’t. This is an important consideration when trying to determine the worth and ranking of white people.

  As white people get older, and the opportunities to wear a “Pittsburgh Special Olympics ’76” T-shirt diminish, they must move their vintage fetish from clothes to furniture and knickknacks. Often the only thing that a post-30 white person can hang on to is furniture. The mention of a “vintage stove” or “vintage card catalog” can send their imagination racing about how to incorporate it into their current home decor. By having at least one unique vintage piece of furniture in a room full of IKEA, white people can still tell themselves that they are unique and cooler than their friends.

  When you enter a white person’s home, you should immediately search for anything not made by IKEA, Crate & Barrel, or Anthropologie. Upon finding such an item, you should ask, “Where did you get that? It’s really cool.” The white person will then tell you a story about how they acquired it, allowing them to feel cool and reminding them that they have fantastic taste.

  50 Irony

  White people hate a lot of stuff (Republicans, TV, Vin Diesel movies, SUVs, fast food), but every once in a while they turn that hate into sweet irony.

  White people will often make a joke about how hard it is to define irony. It’s not that funny, and back in the ’90s people got all upset at Alanis Morissette for using the term improperly in her song “Isn’t It Ironic?” But the reason that white people love irony is that it lets them have some fun and feel better about themselves.

  The most horrific recent example is trucker hats, which shockingly went from mainstream in the ’80s to ironic in the early 2000s and then almost immediately back to mainstream. So now the hats are not rare or unique in any way. Once something reaches this stage, irony cannot be restored for a decade.

  Other examples would include white people getting together to have a “white trash” night, where they will eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, drink Bud Light, and watch Larry the Cable Guy or The Marine, or maybe listen to Kid Rock or P.O.D. These events allow white people to experience things they are supposed to hate, all while feeling better about their own lives, decisions, and cultured tastes.

  Occasionally, white people will put an ironic knickknack in their home or apartment such as a “Support Our Troops” magnet or a bottle of Mickey’s.

  This can be used to your advantage. If you need to appear cool to white people, you just need to pick something that was popular ten-plus years ago and put it in a prominent place at your desk or in your home. A C+C Music Factory cassette and a “2 Legit 2 Quit” T-shirt would be good examples.

  Also, you might find yourself in a conversation where you mention that you like something, and there is an awkward silence indicating that it is not cool. In this situation, you must say, “Oh yeah, I also like [insert similar things in such a way to show that you were kidding about that first thing]” and smile. The white people will laugh and all will be well.

  51 Living by the Water

  It is hardly a secret that all white people love being near water. And why wouldn’t they? It provides so many of the activities that they love—swimming, kayaking, canoeing, sailing—and it’s a perfect place to read.

  Before we move on, let’s not gloss over that last point. White people love to be near a body of water so they can read a book while sitting nearby. The process of reading is somehow heightened through the process of doing it near water. Extreme reading!

  When you think long-term, it’s important to realize that all white people own/wish to own/plan to own/will own some sort of property near a body of water. Rather than say all white people want to live on the ocean, it’s important to break it down across the regions.

  On the West Coast, all white people want to live as close to the beach as possible. One look at the demographics for Manhattan Beach, Santa Monica, Hermosa Beach, Newport Beach, and Laguna Beach will reveal this fact through tangible numbers.

  On the East Coast, many white people dream of owning oceanfront property in New England, where they can make their lives as close as possible to a J. Crew catalog.

  And in the landlocked states, the dream of lakefront property is alive and well.

  White people will often purchase second homes near water if they cannot accommodate the dream in their own city. Usually they want it to be within driving distance, but the need for life near water is so great that they will even consider buying in other countries.

  To white people, a view of water from the house is their greatest achievement in life. And you should remember this when discussing your hopes and dreams with them. It is also important that you choose a water sport (swimming, fishing, kayaking, etc.) that you pretend to like. That way, you can talk about how, when you move to your water-front property, you can just wake up in the morning and [insert water-based activity], right out of your front door.

  Mountain views are also acceptable, but are generally seen as a poor substitute.

  52 Sarah Silverman

  White people love to laugh, so it’s no surprise that some of the funniest people in the world are white! But do not believe that white people find all types of humor funny. BET Comic View, for example, is not considered funny and white people generally get little to no enjoyment out of the program.

  The easiest way to find out if comedians are approved by white people is to see if they get mentioned on music blogs or have ever given an interview in which they talked about how much they love the Magnetic Fields, Of Montreal, or the Shins. But this does not guarantee white-person acceptance.

  If the topic of comedy comes up, the best thing to do is talk about how much you love Sarah Silverman. White people can’t get enough of her! Her whole shtick is saying really offensive things! But it’s OK, because she’s pretty and has a small voice, so it all sounds so cute! Get it? It’s not offensive, because she says racist or sexist things that she knows are offensive. So it’s OK.

  Much as white women will say that Jon Stewart is their perfect man, it is fully acceptable and encouraged for white men to say that Sarah Silverman is their perfect woman.

  Sarah Silverman is also considered an “alternative comic,” which essentially means she is universally loved by white people, but not enough to be a movie star.

  Other acceptable “alternative” comedians: David Cross and the Comedians of Comedy (Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Zach Galifianakis, and Maria Bamford). Also, white people will say they love any comedian who shares your ethnicity. For example, if you are Korean, watch how many times white people tell you how much they like Margaret Cho.

  WARNING: Under no circumstances should you ever list Dane Cook as your favorite comedian. The wrong kind of white people like him. And mentioning him will cause white people to lose all respect for you.

  53 Dogs

  A lot of cultures love dogs, be they for entertainment, labor, or food. But white people love dogs on an entirely d
ifferent level.

  It should be understood that in white culture, dogs are considered training for having children. All white couples must get a dog before having kids. This will prepare them for responsibility by having another creature to feed, love, and toilet train. Because of this, white people generally assume that their dog is their favorite child unless otherwise stated.

  When actual children are born, the dog is not displaced but rather remains as the most important member of the household. This is because of the fact that white children will eventually hate their parents, but dogs will love anyone who feeds them.

  White people generally believe that dogs have human emotions and that they are capable of loving certain TV shows, films, and music. “Buster just loves watching Six Feet Under!”—even though most dogs would enjoy watching Hitler if they got attention every time he was on TV. They also believe that their dogs share similar tastes in food—“Little Ben Kweller likes the organic food the best”—forgetting the fact that dogs enjoy eating their own feces, as well as pretty much anything that falls onto the floor.

  When searching for homes, many white people will require large yards so that their “dog can run around.” If you work in real estate, this can be exploited for large markups when selling to white people.

  It is also a proven fact that dogs are often used by white people to attract members of the opposite sex. Bringing a puppy or dog to a local dog park will encourage interaction and conversation. Even more so than a Mac laptop.