Stuff White People Like

by Christian Lander

  WARNING: When engaging in a conversation about corporate evils it is important to never, ever mention Apple computers, Target, or IKEA in the same breath as the companies mentioned earlier. White people prefer to hate corporations that don’t make stuff they like.

  83 Bad Memories of High School

  The most time-and cost-efficient way of gaining a white person’s trust and friendship is to talk to them about their high-school experience.

  Virtually every white person you meet was a nerd in high school—that’s how they were able to get into a good arts program or law school. As such, their memories of high school are painful but not tragic, since they were able to eventually find success in the real world. Exploiting this information is your one-way ticket into the heart of a white person.

  Your first priority must be to steer the conversation to the topic of high school, which is not very difficult. If you are talking about music, mention the music you think they would have liked in high school and how you were taunted for liking those bands. If you cannot properly gauge the type of music a white person liked in high school, you should always say that you were really into the Cure. All white people know that liking the Cure in high school is an invitation to be tortured by the cool kids. This will bring about instant sympathy and respect.

  It is also acceptable to discuss how you were in love with a cool kid who never loved you back. For added effect, you can mention how said cool kid is now doing very poorly and that you are excited for the upcoming reunion.

  If these first two points are not enough to gain an adequate level of trust, you can close the deal by saying, “I was the only [insert ethnicity] kid in Improv/on the paper/on the student council.” Wait for a sympathetic look and then you will know that you have forged an unbreakable and easily exploited bond.

  For maximum effectiveness, this technique should be used in a social group setting where everyone can share their stories. By guiding the conversation, you will be seen as a natural and sympathetic leader. This can be easily exploited for professional and social gain.

  Note: In the rare event that you meet a white person who was “cool” in high school, do not panic. There is a 100 percent chance that one of their other cool friends sold them out in a coup for control of their social circle. They will tell you all about it. Failing that, you can exploit the inherent guilt they feel about their treatment of nerds.

  84 T-shirts

  Many people and cultures view T-shirts as simple pieces of apparel that can be acquired cheaply and worn in casual situations. For white people, they are never that easy. The T-shirt is one of the most complex and expressive items in their entire wardrobe.

  Your choice of casual wear says a lot about you. There are stringent rules and hierarchies associated with T-shirts that you must know before venturing into any white-dominated social situations.

  T-shirts fall into three categories: vintage, new, and unacceptable, with the latter category comprising the bulk of the world’s supply. Within each category lies another, more precise subset of rules and rankings. This is complicated, make no mistake.

  The most prized T-shirt category is vintage. As shown earlier, white people need authenticity like they need oxygen, and ownership of an original vintage T-shirt from the ’70s or ’80s is a very powerful social status symbol. The ideal shirt will have a funny logo, a year attached to it, and will be as thin as rice paper. In the event that two white people have shirts that meet these criteria, the superior ranking is given to the person who paid the least for the shirt. Acquiring a shirt at a vintage clothing store is seen as less respectable than sorting through racks at Goodwill.

  The second category of T-shirt is new, and there really are only two options. The first is American Apparel, a company that constantly reminds you it is based in downtown Los Angeles. It is considered an acceptable white company since it produces things that are very simple but also very expensive. The second acceptable new shirt is Threadless. This Chicago-based company produces artistic and funny T-shirts that are acceptable for concerts, trips to Whole Foods, and ’80s night. White people like these shirts so much because they are designed by white people for white people. Sort of like a white FUBU.

  Finally, and perhaps the most important to be aware of, is the unacceptable category of T-shirt. There are a few simple rules to follow in order to avoid wearing the wrong one. First, if it’s made of a stiff, thick cotton, throw it in the garbage immediately. White-people T-shirts must be made of the softest, finest organic cotton. This is law. Unless it is vintage, the shirt cannot be made in a foreign country (unless you can certify its labor conditions). The shirt cannot contain a current sports logo. Shirts with sports logos are acceptable, but they must contain a logo that hasn’t been used in 15 years. Last and not least, it cannot be baggy. Your T-shirt must be tight-fitting for both style and mating purposes.

  It is also imperative to understand that faux vintage shirts (“Getting Lucky in Kentucky”) are completely unacceptable. They are beloved by the wrong kind of white people, and must be avoided at all costs.

  This information is best applied when you are planning on attending a social gathering. Your T-shirt says a lot about you, and if it’s the right kind of shirt it will set white people at ease. Also, asking a white person, “Where did you get that shirt?” will allow them to tell you a detailed story about how they acquired it. This will enable them to assert the reason their shirt has a higher ranking than yours.

  85 The Wire

  Though white people have a natural aversion to TV, there are some exceptions. For white people to like a TV show it helps if it is critically acclaimed, low-rated, shown on premium cable, and/or available as a DVD box set.

  The latter is important so that white people can order it from Netflix and tell their friends, “I’m really into [insert series] and I watched ten episodes in a row this weekend. I’m almost caught up.”

  If you attempt to talk about an episode they have not seen yet, they will scream and cover their ears. In white culture, giving away information about a film or TV series is considered as rude as spitting on your mother’s grave. It is an unforgivable offense. Recent series that have fallen into this category include The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, and most recently The Wire.

  For the past three years, whenever you say “The Wire,” white people are required to respond by saying “It’s the best show on television.” Try it the next time you see a white person! Though now they might say “It was the best show on television.”

  So why do they love it so much? It all comes down to authenticity. A long time ago, someone started a rumor that when The Wire is on TV, actual police wires go quiet because all the dealers are watching the show. Though this is not true, it seems plausible enough to white people and has imbued the show with the needed authenticity to be deemed acceptable.

  The popularity of this show among white people has created a unique opportunity for personal gain. If you need to impress a white person, tell them you are from Baltimore. They will immediately ask you about The Wire and how accurate it is. You should confirm that it is “like a documentary of the streets.” The white person will then slowly shake their head and say “Man” or “Wow.” You will be seen in an entirely new light.

  If you are not from Baltimore but the white person you are talking to is, they might start asking you a lot of questions. In this situation, you should just say you left when you were young but you still have a lot of cousins there but you don’t like to go back to visit. This will remove all doubts and they can go back to telling you about how John from Accounting needs to “stop snitching” about their two-hour lunch breaks.

  86 Shorts

  One thing prized by white people is making the most of situations. They like to maximize opportunities for all that they are worth. This applies to jobs, vacations, investments, books, education, and perhaps most important, warm days.

  After a prolonged cold snap, white people are very excited at the first hint of a wa
rm day. It is their opportunity to go back outside, to enjoy nature and thrive. In order to get the most enjoyment possible out of these days, white people turn to one of their most trusted allies: shorts.

  It is a known fact that white people believe they can cause spring to arrive early by wearing a pair of shorts on any day that is slightly above seasonal temperatures. This myth runs so deep that they will often wear shorts the following day when temperatures drop, at which point they will refuse to admit that it is cold.

  When you encounter a cold white person in shorts it’s best to say, “I can’t wait until it’s warm enough to go windsurfing.” They will likely give you a high five.

  87 Outdoor Performance Clothes

  As white people get older, they like to have clear boundaries between their professional and personal lives. They don’t mind talking about their personal life at work, but they hate talking about their work life when they are enjoying a weekend or vacation. But with BlackBerrys and laptops, white people could be working anywhere, at any time. So how do you know when they are off the clock? It’s easy: just check their clothes.

  When white people aren’t working, they generally like to wear outdoor performance clothes. The top suppliers of these garments and accessories include North Face, REI, Mountain Equipment Co-Op, Columbia Sportswear, and Patagonia. When you see white people wearing these brands, it is important that you do not discuss business matters. Instead you should say things like “Where did you get that fleece?” and “What’s that thing holding your keys to your shorts?” White people will be more than happy to talk to you about their sustainably produced possessions.

  The main reason white people like these clothes is that they allow them to believe that at any moment they could find themselves with a Thule rack on top of their car headed to a national park. It could be 4:00 P.M. on a Saturday when they might get the call: “Hey, man, you know what we need to do? Kayak then camping, right now. I’m on my way to get you. There is no time to change clothes.”

  Though it is unlikely that they will ever receive this call, white people hate the idea of missing an opportunity to enjoy outdoor activities just because they weren’t wearing the right clothes.

  If you plan on spending part of your weekend with a white person, it is strongly recommended that you purchase a jacket or some sort of “high-performance” T-shirt, which is like a regular shirt, just a lot more expensive.

  88 Having Gay Friends

  If white people could draft friends the way that the NFL drafts prospects it would go like this: black friends, gay friends, and then all other minorities would be drafted based on need and rarity in the region.

  When choosing gay friends, white people like to base their decision on their own needs and requirements. Younger white people tend to prefer young, social gay people. This is their all-important ticket into nightclubs and parties.

  When straight people go to a gay nightclub, they are reminded of how progressive and tolerant they are. If they are hit on by a member of the same sex, it provides them with a valuable story that they can use to prove to their other friends that they are more progressive and tolerant. “This guy/girl hit on me, I said I was ‘straight but not narrow,’ and it was totally chill. Oh, you went to an Irish bar this weekend? That’s cool, I guess.”

  Older white people prefer to be friends with gay parents because it enables their children to experience much-needed diversity with people who are, for all intents and purposes, exactly the same as them.

  It is also worth noting that a gay friendship of any sort allows white people to feel as though they are a part of the gay rights movement. While white people love being a part of any movement, the gay movement is especially important to them because they can blend in at rallies and protests and spend an afternoon feeling the sting of oppression.

  Gay friends are an essential part of a white person’s all-star diversity roster. But white people are always on the lookout for the ultimate friend: a gay minority. Above all, it is generally accepted that a gay black friend with a child is considered a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity—like a quarterback who can pass, run, kick, and play linebacker. White people will crawl over each other for the opportunity to claim this person as a friend and add them to their roster of diversity.

  Once a white person has told you about their gay friends, it is recommended that you say “I wish more people were like you” every few months. This will allow them to feel good about their progressive choice of friends and remind them that they are better than other white people.

  If you follow this simple rule, you should be able to maximize all benefits of white friendship, including moving help and free drinks.

  89 St. Patrick’s Day

  Normally if someone wakes up at 7:00 A.M., takes the day off work, and gets drunk at a bar before 10:00 A.M., they are an alcoholic, and not in the artistic, edgy way that white people are so fond of.

  On March 17, however, this exact same activity is called celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. This very special white holiday recognizes St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, who helped to bring Catholicism to the Emerald Isle. His ascetic life is celebrated every year by white people drinking large amounts of Irish-themed alcohol and listening to the Dropkick Murphys.

  It is also the day of the year when you can make the greatest gains in your social and professional relationships with white people.

  Most of the time, white people consider celebrations of European heritage to be racist unless they ignore large swathes of the sixteenth through twentieth centuries. But since the Irish never engaged in colonialism and were actually oppressed, it is considered acceptable to celebrate their ancestry—even encouraged. For this reason, 100 percent of white people are proud to claim that they are somewhat Irish.

  A big part of St. Patrick’s Day is having white people feel particularly upset at the oppression of their ancestors, which has in no way trickled down to them. If you find yourself talking with a white person who tells you about how their great grandfather was oppressed by both the English and the Americans, it is strongly recommended that you lend a sympathetic ear and shake your head in disbelief. It is never considered acceptable to say, “But you’re white now, so what’s the problem?”

  It is also worth noting that on this day there is always one trump card that never fails to gain respect and acclaim. When you are sitting at an Irish bar and someone orders a round of Guinness, you must take a single sip, and while the other white people are savoring their drink, you say, “Mmmm, I know it sounds cliché, but it really is true: Guinness just tastes better in Ireland.”

  This comment will elicit an immediate and powerful response of people agreeing with your valuable insight. This statement also has the additional benefit of humiliating the members of your party who have not been to Ireland (and thus cannot confirm this proclamation). Having not traveled to Ireland and consumed a beer that is widely available in their hometown and throughout the world, they will immediately be perceived as provincial, uncultured, and inferior to you.

  It is also strongly encouraged that you memorize the lyrics to “Jump Around.” They will come in handy.

  90 Dinner Parties

  Though many would have you believe that white people come of age at summer camp, it’s simply not the truth. Immediately following graduation but prior to renovating a house, white people take their first step from childhood to maturity by hosting a successful dinner party.

  It is imperative that white people know how to host a good dinner party, as they will be expected to do it well into retirement.

  At the most basic level, these simple gatherings involve three to six couples getting together at a single house or apartment, having dinner, and talking for five to six hours. Though it might seem basic, dinner parties are some of the most stressful events in all of white culture.

  Hosts are expected to deliver a magical evening. The food must be homemade with fresh, organic ingredients, the music must be just right (edgy, n
ew, but not too loud), and the decor of the house should be subtle but elegant. The ultimate goal is to do a better job than the couple who hosted the last dinner party while attempting to make everyone jealous and sort of dislike you.

  The dinner party is the opportunity for white people to be judged on their taste in food, wine, furniture, art, interior design, music, and books. Outside of dictatorships and a few murder trials, there might not be a more rigorous judgment process in the modern world. Everything must be perfect. One copy of US Weekly, a McDonald’s wrapper, a book by John Grisham, a Third Eye Blind CD, or an Old School DVD can undo months and maybe even years of work.

  Even before guests arrive, the pressure on the host is immense, and it does not let up once dinner begins. While eating, drinking, and conversation are expected to fill up five or six hours, sometimes it’s just not enough. In order to fill the silence, white people will often turn to board games (Cranium!) or Wii Bowling. This lets everyone have fun together without having to really talk to each other.

  It is strongly encouraged to bring a gift to these dinner parties, usually either wine or some kind of dessert. If you are able to bring a particularly rare dish from your culture, you will be the star of the party. To seal the deal, be sure to explain as much as you possibly can about the dish: history, availability, and the proper way to eat it. Every white person at the party will be taking mental notes and will be in your debt for introducing them to something new and authentic. If a white person says they have eaten the dish before, it is best to respond by saying, “You ate a watered-down version. They don’t even sell this to white people, it’s that intense. Even I had to show ID.”