Stuff White People Like

by Christian Lander

  The entire party will universally acknowledge you as the top guest. Even the hosts will appreciate you for bringing diversity to the table in the form of both food and person.

  91 San Francisco

  San Francisco is one of the top U.S. destinations for white people in terms of both travel and living. It is universally agreeable and is a safe discussion topic for any situation.

  White people like to vacation in San Francisco because it has beautiful architecture and fantastic food and it is near the water. They like to live in San Francisco because of its abundance of nonprofit organizations, expensive sandwiches, and wine; its political outlook; and, most important, its diversity.

  Since many white people either live in, plan to move to, or closely identify with San Francisco, it is imperative that you know how best to deal with them.

  The city of San Francisco has a very multicultural population that ranges from white to gay to Asian. Within white culture this is known as “ideal diversity,” since it both provides exotic restaurants and preserves property values. The presence of gays and Asians is imperative, as it provides two of the key resources most necessary for white success and happiness.

  However, it is important to be aware of the fact that regions outside San Francisco feature many people who are not white, gay, or Asian. They are greatly appreciated during the census, but white people are generally very happy that they stay in places like Oakland and Richmond. This enables white people to feel good about living near people of diverse backgrounds without having to directly deal with troublesome issues like income gaps or failing schools.

  Still, the presence of other minorities is welcomed by white people for so many more reasons than just statistics! Much in the way that white people in Brooklyn feel a strong and unfounded connection with the Notorious BIG, white people in San Francisco feel the need to identify with rappers from the East Bay. Interestingly enough, the farther they venture from San Francisco, the stronger their need to represent their region.

  “Oh man, I went to the Too Short show last night. So hyphy man, so hyphy. You should come by sometime and we’ll ghost-ride the Prius.”

  When you are presented with statements like this, the best response is to say, “Berkeley is close to Oakland,” and the white person will likely nod and throw up some sort of West Side hand sign.

  Though it is exceptionally easy to put someone from San Francisco in a good mood, there are some caveats. When talking to a white person who lives in San Francisco, it is best not to bring up New York City. Though they live in a world-class city, San Franciscans have a crippling inferiority complex about New York, and even hinting at that will make them very sad or very defensive.

  Fortunately, there is a foolproof method for quickly returning the conversation to a positive, trust-building tone. No matter how much you have offended someone from San Francisco, you can always make them feel better by asking how they feel about Southern California. They will instantly talk of how it is filled with crime, pollution, hegemonic culture, and the wrong kind of white people: “I swear California is like two separate countries. I am so thankful that I live in the cultural center of the West Coast.” This will allow them to reassert their superiority and leave the conversation with a positive feeling about themselves and about you.

  92 Music Piracy

  White people have always been renowned for having ridiculously large music collections. So when file sharing gave white people a chance to acquire all the music they ever wanted, they felt as though it was an earned right and not a privilege.

  When (not if) you see a white male with a full iPod, ask him if all of his music is legal. If he does not immediately launch into a diatribe about his right to pirate music, you might have to nudge him a bit by saying, “Do you think that’s right?” The response will be immediate and uniform. He will likely rattle off statistics about how most musicians don’t make any money from albums, that it all comes from touring and merchandise. So by attending shows, he is able to support the musicians while simultaneously striking a blow against multinational corporations. He will proceed to walk you through the process of how record labels are set up to reward the corporation and fundamentally rob the artist of their rights, royalties, and creativity. Prepare to hear the name Steve Albini a lot.

  Advanced white people will also talk about how their constant downloading of music makes them experts who can properly recommend bands to friends and co-workers, thus increasing revenues and exposure. So, in fact, their “illegal” activities are the new lifeblood of the industry.

  When they have finished talking, you must choose your next words wisely. It is considered rude to point out the simple fact that they are still getting music for free. Instead you should say, “Wow, I never thought of it like that. You know a lot about the music industry. What bands are you listening to right now? Who is good?” This sentence serves two functions: it helps to reassure the white person that they are your local “music expert,” something they prize. Also, it lets them feel as though they have convinced you that their activities are part of a greater social cause and not simple piracy.

  If you bring up this issue with a white person who says, “Nah, bro, I don’t give a shit, Dave Matthews has enough money as it is,” you are likely dealing with the wrong kind of white person.

  In the even rarer situation where someone says, “It’s all paid for, and it’s all transferred from vinyl,” you have found an expert-level white person and must tread carefully.

  Because of the availability of music online, a very strict social hierarchy has been created within white culture whereby someone with a large MP3 collection is considered “normal,” a large CD collection is considered to be “better,” and a person with a large vinyl collection is recognized as “elite.” These elite white people abhor the fact that music piracy has made their B-sides, live performances, and bootlegs available to the masses. Their entire life’s work has been stripped of its rarity in terms of both object and sound on the record. The best thing you can say to them is “Vinyl still sounds better.”

  However, it is recommended that you do not let this conversation drag on much longer. If you let them continue, they are likely to spend hours talking to you about bands you’ve never heard of and to provide you with a weekly mix CD of rarities that you do not want.

  93 Rugby

  If you’ve been in a white person’s apartment or home you might have noticed a ball that looks like a cross between an egg and a football. It is a rugby ball. This is an important sport for white people.

  They love rugby for a number of reasons, the first of which is the fact that it is not very popular in North America. In fact, it is even less popular than soccer, which gives a white person that all-important edge in the contest to see who likes the most obscure sport. Though this is important, it is not the real reason why white people love the sport so much.

  Rugby’s greatest appeal lies in its uniforms. Unlike other sports, where jerseys are made out of nylon or mesh, rugby jerseys are like thick sweatshirts with collars! In fact, there is no other jersey on earth that can move so seamlessly from the playing field to the farmer’s market.

  Many white people first acquire a love of rugby during their high school and college years by playing either for a school team, or in the case of highly advanced white people, part of an intramural league. In fact, many white people will continue to play the sport into their early thirties at local parks on Saturday mornings. If you are looking to expand your group of white friends, you would be wise to get yourself invited to one of these games. However, you should be prepared to have your crotch grabbed.

  Though playing the sport is the most common way for white people to become interested in rugby, a great number of them pick up a taste for the game while studying abroad in Australia or New Zealand. Like soccer, it gives them the chance to purchase a scarf of their adopted team, but more important, they can acquire a rugby jersey. Unlike a soccer scarf, this garment can be worn all y
ear long, which provides for a more reliable trinket that can be used to initiate conversations about their time down under. For extra credit, some white people will declare that they are into Australian Rules football and not rugby. If you wish to befriend this person, it’s best to ask them about the differences in rules, because they will be thrilled to tell you.

  Aside from playing the game with white people, there is one other surefire way to use rugby for your personal gain. If you have determined that the white person you are talking to prefers rugby over soccer, it is strongly advised that you say, “You know, American football players might be bigger, but rugby players are so much tougher.” Their response will be to tell you about how football players are weak because they wear pads. This will be followed by a knowing nod or wink in your direction and an invitation to join them for a game on the weekend.

  94 New Balance Shoes

  Because white-people tastes in shoes can change so quickly, it’s not recommended that you ever talk to one about shoes. Over the years they have embraced (and eventually disowned) Uggs, Birkenstocks, Earth Shoes, and, most recently, Crocs. If a brand is popular, the chances are that the clock is ticking down to its imminent doom. One mention of your affinity for such footwear could undo all your hard work.

  There is, however, one exception: New Balance running shoes. All white people own a pair! Seriously, the next time you are at a casual party where guests are encouraged to take off their shoes, take a look by the door at the veritable rainbow of New Balance sneakers.

  But why do white people love them so uniformly? It is pretty simple, really. A few years ago it came out that Nike (and other manufacturers) were producing their shoes in Asian sweatshops and then selling them for a very high profit margin. White people were outraged; they generally prefer that children in developing nations first finish high school before working in shoe-producing sweatshops. Otherwise they might look foolish when their co-workers are talking about The Catcher in the Rye.

  This enormous guilt over child labor meant that white people started to stop wearing Nike shoes. Subsequently, they were left to find a company that used fair labor practices to make shoes for the sports that they loved most: jogging, hiking, cross-country running, marathons, walking, and being seen in retro sneakers.

  With factories in New England (include three in Maine!) and an extensive lineup of shoes that were meant only for running, New Balance was in the ideal position to both produce and distribute a product to the lucrative markets of white people conveniently located in the region. They quickly spread nationally and joined outdoor performance clothes as an essential part of the white uniform.

  When you meet a person wearing New Balance shoes it is a good idea to ask about the marathon for which they are inevitably training. If they say, “I’m not training for a marathon,” this is a good opportunity to raise your status by saying, “Oh, I thought only runners wore those. My running club all wear New Balance except for a few jerks who won’t shut up about Asics. I’m still a bit sore from the ten-K run this morning.”

  This is an extremely effective move, since white people who jog are generally viewed as being better than white people who don’t. Although perhaps it’s more accurately stated that white people who jog feel the need to constantly prove they are better than white people who don’t.

  Note: It is considered a legendary white-male move to play basketball in a pair of New Balance. Lots of layups.

  95 Beards

  The popularity of beards with white people can fluctuate depending on the decade, but it always maintains a level of respectability regardless of current styles. Beards have been in fashion with white people since the dawn of white people. However, for research purposes, the modern white beard emerged at the same time as the modern white person: the ’60s.

  Over the next twenty years the beard would be strongly adopted by both rock stars and professors. For a white person, these are two of the most respected professions, so the ability to resemble either is seen as a very desirable trait.

  By the ’80s thick beards started to fall slightly out of favor and were limited mostly to graduate students and hobos, with the latter often having neater and better maintained facial hair. It was during this time that Don Johnson perfected the stubble look, which is like a regular beard but cut in such a way as to look like you haven’t shaved for a few days. It was a success with white people since it was another case of having to do a lot of work to look like you didn’t do any.

  The ’90s were not kind to beards, and the few practitioners were often white high school seniors who were into classic rock and “being wacky.” Some would continue the beard into college, but they were the exception and not the rule.

  At some point during the early part of the twenty-first century, white people discovered that the combination of a beard and thick-framed glasses (see #140, Glasses) was a solid white look that showed individuality, musical taste, and a rich educational pedigree. Bearded white males have had much social success in recent years, as their facial hair says, “Look at me. I am manly enough to grow this beard, yet I wear glasses, which shows my intellectual and sensitive side. I wear plaid, which shows I’m down with the people, but I also have expensive jeans, which shows that I have taste. I am the perfect male with whom to engage in a one-to-two-year relationship that might include living together. Allow me to buy you a Pabst.” They are pretty much unstoppable.

  In fact, the only white person who can top a bearded male is a white person who has grown ironic facial hair. These are the elite. They grow mustaches in various guises to show that they are so out of style that they are actually cooler than you. If one of these males is interested in the same person as you, it’s best to back off. They call their own shots.

  However, the ones with ironic facial hair make up only a small fraction of white people. The beards are still the most common and cohesive group.

  Meeting a white male with a beard can be quite an experience. A good way to break the ice is to say, “I find that people with beards often grow them because they are hiding something. Is that the case with you?” The white person will laugh, and if they are interested in you romantically they will cleverly respond by saying, “Maybe I am, but it will take more than a question to uncover my secrets.” If this happens you are dealing with a very smooth white operator.

  If they respond by asking you questions about what you’ve heard in regard to their secrets as they clutch a black notebook, you are probably talking with a person who has a beard because they forgot to shave for six months.

  96 Having Children in Their Late Thirties

  Of the white people who want to have children, virtually all of them believe that they will be parents between the ages of 35 and 40.

  Raising a white child is not easy, and it requires an exceptional amount of money and paraphernalia. Because of this, white people believe that it is impossible to properly raise children in their twenties. This period of their life is generally devoted to living in a big city, finding a spouse, starting a career, and purchasing their first piece of residential property.

  By the time white people have entered their late thirties, they have often acquired enough capital to afford a larger property in an acceptable neighborhood (suburbs are acceptable, but frowned upon), tuition for a private school, and the series of accessories and specialists needed to ensure that the formative years of their white child will ensure future success and acceptance into an excellent university.

  It is also universally recognized within white culture that the late thirties represents the time when personal journeys of self-discovery and therapy have reached a point where a white person is in the right frame of mind to raise a child.

  If you encounter a white person who is trying to produce a child in their late thirties and is having some difficulty, it is very important that you never ever mention that it might be due to their trying to have children so late in life. Some better suggestions include “Did you smoke when you were young
er?” or “How long have you been eating organic-only food?”

  However, there are some exceptions to this rule. In recent years, a number of white women have become obsessed with the idea of being “hot moms” and are having children in their late twenties so that they can check it off the life list of accomplishments and return to their journey of personal discovery.

  97 Red Hair

  White people with red hair are one of the rarest types of white people that you can encounter. Their hair color was created by a northern European mutation that will likely be extinct in the next hundred years. Enjoy them while you can!

  The role that red hair plays in white culture is not necessarily essential to understanding white people, but it is helpful. Aside from the obvious fact that white people have red hair, it occupies an interesting place of envy, mockery, and heritage.

  White people associate red hair with Irish roots, and allows redheads to constantly remind others that they have an “ethnic” heritage.

  For white women red hair is seen as being highly desirable, with 1980s Molly Ringwald and Julianne Moore being the most popular redheaded heroines. Virtually every white woman you encounter will be able to tell you a story about how they have dyed or plan to dye their hair red at some time. This is because red hair is seen as both natural and not mainstream, two things that are highly coveted by all white people.