The Will to Love

by Selene Chardou

  It wasn’t the first time I had been in a threesome and at least one of the men I deeply cared about and the other was the former love of my life. It could have been worse but a part of me wouldn’t ever enjoy my present situation. My body would betray me and I would come many times before the night was over but that wouldn’t eliminate the shame and pity I would feel for myself when daybreak came.

  I would hate a part of myself but I was strong enough to survive tonight and if Will and I were still intact, it wouldn’t matter. I could deal with my feelings another time, another place, another fucking day.

  Karl knelt down on the bed and I felt his fingers part me open before his tongue, warm and wet, began to lick me from my perineum all the way to my clit. My breathing became erratic and ragged; I was embarrassed at this heightened state of arousal he could still produce from me and I needed something—anything—in my mouth to shut me up so I would breathe through my nose instead.

  Will took his time unbuttoning his pants but I helped him out with nimble fingers and it felt good when I finally took a hold of his dick with my hand and opened my mouth wide to receive it.

  I was pissed at myself for allowing Karl to make me feel anything at all and he was pushing all the right buttons that set my body on fire. I finally found peace when it was my lover’s ragged breaths I was listening to instead of my own and I allowed him to do what he wanted. My body was just that: an object built for pleasure and to be abused tonight but it wasn’t my soul and it sure as hell wasn’t my heart. I couldn’t allow Karl to win and take over every part of me.

  Any feelings for him, I needed to let go and allow them to snap like loose strings but my body betrayed me in the worst way possible and he easily milked an orgasm from me with his fingers and mouth. My heart thundered in my chest thinking about what had just been done to me and although I knew it was about to get a lot worse before it got better, I prepared myself mentally and emotionally.

  It’s only your body, I told myself, it’s not your heart, your mind or your soul. He can never take that from you, not unless you allow him to.

  “Easy there, big boy…don’t come in her mouth. I want you to come inside her ass.”

  Will’s cock slid out of my mouth and I watched his reaction to Karl’s words. “What do you mean?”

  “It’s not the first time Laurel has experience a DP, is it babe?”

  “No,” I muttered. “Just do what he says, sweetie, and tonight will be better than you ever dreamed it could be.”

  “I don’t exactly relish having to share your body with…someone else.”

  “Why not?” Karl shrugged. “I like fucking Laurel in her pussy and since you’re a homo, I thought you would enjoy fucking her in the ass. I am doing you a favor.”

  “It’s not a favor because…I have never violated Laurel there.”

  “Severin and I have both been there so it’s not like she’s a virgin to backdoor action. She likes it and double penetration can be very pleasurable for a woman if the men involved know what they are doing. Besides, it’s not a request, it’s an order. Unless you want me to get a stranger to fuck her while you jerk off in the corner. It’s your call.”

  “No!” Will shouted. “Please don’t. I’m barely holding myself together right now. I couldn’t imagine another man taking her like that. I’ll do it, as long as she’s comfortable with it.”

  I sat up and knelt down on my knees. “It’s fine, baby. Don’t worry about it. I want to do this with you.”

  Karl had already began to strip out of his clothes until his gorgeous body was on display. Will was a lot leaner than him but Karl was all muscles and lean flesh. He was also a couple inches taller than Will. He lay down on the bed and I straddled his body before he pushed me down on his cock.

  He filled me completely and I sighed with pleasure though I knew double penetrations could be a pain the ass, literally speaking. I hadn’t had anal sex in a long time, not since the films and I wasn’t sure how I felt about someone entering my back passage but I was glad that person was Will and not Karl. Although Will wasn’t small by any stretch of the imagination, his cock wasn’t as big as Karl’s and that brought me some relief.

  I rode Karl like I was at a rodeo while I could hear the tearing open of a condom package and a bottle of lube being opened. At least he wouldn’t do me raw and for that I was grateful.

  I was already playing a dangerous game of Russian Roulette. I was on the pill but a low hormone one because the regular ones caused me to gain weight. If something happened tonight, like an unexpected pregnancy, Will would never forgive me and I wouldn’t forgive myself either. I would have to head down Faith’s route and the very thought of abortion scared the shit out of me.

  It wasn’t the act itself I had an issue with but the killing of a fetus that would eventually develop into a human being. I was a lot of things but I’d never murdered an embryo in my life and I didn’t want this one night to decide my fate with Will.

  Will was slow and gentle as he pushed himself into me and it was awkward at first because we had to find a rhythm that pleased everyone and was in sync with all our bodies. It was a lot harder than it sounded because as I ground down on Karl’s cock, I had to arch my back and Will slowly started to pound me softly though I knew he wanted to be rougher and harder than what he was doing to me.

  I moaned out loud to coax him on because if he didn’t have any fun, the next day would be that much rougher on me and at least if he was prepared to dump be over this, it wouldn’t be due to his lack of a good time.

  Karl grabbed a hold of my neck and ground himself deeper inside me while he held my face just inches from him.

  “Fuck her like you mean it, Will. Like you would fuck some boy toy. I just like being buried bareback inside your hot piece of ass so I can wait but I want to see you come. Otherwise, it’s no fun for me.”

  I allowed my ex-lover to hold me as he nipped at my lips with a determined mouth. I didn’t want to kiss him because if we didn’t kiss passionately and with tongue then I could remain detached from the whole situation. I was just a participant in a scene of deviance and excess and debauchery, and that was all this night would ever mean to me.

  I could bury it in the back of my mind, compartmentalize it and if Will never wanted to mention what we’d done again then that would be perfectly fine with me. I didn’t particularly wish to go down memory lane with certain parts of my past and tonight would be just another one that I would put in that box, lock the key and never think about again.

  Sometimes living in denial wasn’t a weakness but a defense mechanism and if I couldn’t do that to myself then I would certainly self-destruct the way I saw one of my best friends coming apart at the seams. I would never allow myself to be a shell of human being like Faith.

  Even in this world of depravity, I still saw the good in people and Karl wasn’t all bad but neither was Will. He’d done what he had to do to survive and if he could learn to love me unconditionally after tonight, he deserved a fucking medal because God knows I didn’t deserve his love though I would beg, get on my knees and demand he forgive me for something that was well beyond my control.

  His cock seemed to swell inside me and he began to thrust harder, faster while Karl kissed my lips and his tongue slipped through my slightly parted mouth. I tried to pull away though my lips were in perfect sync with his, the way I could feel Will slamming into me and although I didn’t want to feel pleasure with all that pain, I did and when I came, it was pressed against Karl’s mouth as his tongue devoured mine.

  My muscles clinched in both my rectum and my vaginal area at the same time and Will breathed hard as he kept pumping into me several more times before his ragged breath became a wave of heavy moans as he came.

  The moment he removed himself, Karl commenced his action from the front and my whole body felt bruised, swollen and broken. I wouldn’t lie to myself when I felt like a small part of me died that night in that room and it was the last piece of decency a
nd redemption I’d held on to for so long.

  I vowed when I left Karl, I would never find myself in a position like this again yet here I was with my ex-lover pounding me hard and my current lover removing a condom and throwing it into the trash. He lay beside us and I clasped his hand nearest to mine, just to have some human contact with the man who owned my heart and maybe as a reassurance that tonight, right now, what I was doing, meant absolutely nothing in the scheme of things.

  At least if I was considered a “cheater” in our relationship, it’d happened before his eyes and there were no messy secrets buried in my closet. I wouldn’t have to tell him about this night because we were both stone cold sober and nothing happened under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

  Karl sat up and brought me along with him but I only held on to his neck with one hand and while my naked breasts were pressed against his chest, Will kissed my neck before his eager lips demanded my own and I opened my mouth for him because I wanted him to know that no matter what another man was subjecting me to, he would always own every sacred part of me.

  Another orgasm built deep inside, and although I was physically exhausted and had no wish to come again, my body had other ideas. I’d never come so many times in one night and to be honest, I didn’t really want to give in to the feeling of pleasure from an act that might have robbed me of my precious relationship with a man I could envision spending the rest of my life with.

  “You’ll always have me,” Will murmured before he grabbed my hand and placed it on his dick, which was hard again.

  Karl demanded another orgasm from my body and when I clinched up against his cock this time, he came too. I milked another orgasm from Will with just my hand and when my ex released me, I rolled over and collided with my current lover.

  I was so tired, I couldn’t even close my legs and my whole body ached like I’d just had the workout of my life.

  I could see bruises forming in certain spots and I knew I would have to make do with mostly covering up.

  My lips were raw and yet numb. I couldn’t do a repeat performance and there would be no encore. My only wish was a warm bed and Will’s arms wrapped around me so tight, he would refuse to let me go, ever.

  I turned my back to Karl and snuggled up against Will. The act itself needed to be done because I couldn’t take him thinking I was used goods or—God forbid—a slut. No, I wasn’t sliding my lace thong to the side for any man who would have me and this was definitely a one off that would never happen again.

  Will seemed completely ambivalent about the whole situation and never once tried to put his arms around me or hold me tight. I was afraid a part of him would never look at me the same way again and that was my punishment. I didn’t want to take it because it felt like bitter medicine I had to swallow and it cloyed at my throat, and my precious heart that beat only for him.

  Karl sat up and put his clothes back on in record timing.

  “It was fun to get to see you again. We’ll definitely have to make a repeat performance out of this show. Enjoy the rest of your time at Club X-Tasy.”

  I glared at him as he winked at me while I thought to myself, Not on your fucking life.

  He strode to the door with a natural swagger in his steps, opened it and shut it behind himself as if nothing had happened between us and this was all a good night of fun and games.

  I couldn’t do this to Will again. It was tearing me to pieces and like someone burning alive in an inferno of heat, I could feel my skin melt away from me like ashes left from the fire.

  There would be no way my lover and boyfriend would look at me the same way again. If I’d ever had a sliver of a chance with this man, I’d just blown it and there was fuck all I could do about it.

  Whatever he dished out to me, I would have to take it until it became too much and I couldn’t take it anymore and then, I’d have to leave.

  Knowing that was our destiny was the hardest part about what happened tonight. God knows I hated myself for it but part of me hated Will too. He let this happen, all because he couldn’t keep his cock in his pants and this was what his need for a diversion had gotten us. We were in this situation because of him.

  If he’d never brought me to Club X-Tasy, I wouldn’t have been blackmailed into sleeping with my former lover and I wouldn’t be the one carrying the burden that all of this—everything he allowed to happen—was my fault.

  Chapter Eight

  Will

  WILL DRESSED QUICKLY and didn’t bother to look over at Laurel though from the way she slipped on her clothes, the humiliation from her debasement was apparent to anyone with a pair of eyes.

  He wasn’t angry at Laurel, not really because she’d had very little to do with what happened. Sex was a primal act and yes, her body had responded but it wasn’t because she still had feelings for the animal who’d fucked her like she was a common whore.

  Well, maybe that was overstepping the line. Actually, Karl had slept with her like an old familiar lover who knew how she liked it and understood every button to push. It wasn’t fair he knew her better than Will did and perhaps that’s what pissed him off.

  He felt like the third wheel, wearing a condom with his own girlfriend while her ex had barebacked her and that pissed him off more than anything.

  Laurel had mentioned she took a low hormone birth control; it was easier to get pregnant on those. There would be no way he would raise that fucker’s kid. He would make it his business to contact the pharmacy when they got back to the hotel. Karl would not leave an unwanted gift in their life and Will had no wish to hold her hand during a certain procedure.

  Despite his liberal upbringing, he couldn’t ever justify abortion if the sex was consensual. This was one of those instances and he wouldn’t be able to hold her hand through it although she would probably rather end their relationship abruptly than stay with him, and have him make a decision like that.

  Will looked over at her and walked over to her before he embraced her and held her close as she began to sob on his shoulder. “Stop it with the tears. None of this is your fault…if anyone should be apologizing, it’s me. I shouldn’t have suggested we come back here. That was just stupid and plain thoughtless.”

  Her hazel-green eyes looked into his, still perfect due to her waterproof mascara. “You couldn’t have known and this was just as much my fault as it was yours. I should have been honest.”

  “You were…I’m the one who has been doing all the lying. I really don’t think we should keep blaming one another. That is not gonna help anyone. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

  He grabbed her hand and they left the room and closed the door behind them. A red light over the door illuminated before it began to blink on and off.

  “What the fuck is that about?” she wondered out loud.

  “It just means it’s no longer occupied and needs to be cleaned before someone else can use the room.” Will rolled his eyes. “They’re fucking Germans. You know how they are about hygiene and what not.”

  “A little too well. Or did you forget I lived with Karl for a while…or at least when he was in town because he did spend a lot of his time out of the country at the time.”

  “Let’s not talk about him anymore…please.”

  Laurel stared at him with a perplexed look on her face. “Okay. Sorry about that…I keep forgetting any mention of him has turned into an Achilles’ Heel for you.”

  They walked down the hall and into the lounge area where outright debauchery and sex was on display before they climbed the stairs and were on the first floor again. It didn’t take them long before they’d reached the coat check area. Will and Laurel grabbed their coats and slid them on before they stepped outside via a backdoor exit.

  There was security there too and a couple of limos waiting to take couples home.

  “Where are you two off to?” one of the bodyguards inquired.

  “Just to Vogue Hotel,” Laurel murmured out loud.

  “Take the second limo. He
’ll get you back to the hotel safely. Good night and I hope you enjoyed your night at Club X-Tasy.”

  “It was a pleasure, as always.” She plastered on a smile before Will led her to the limo and they both hopped inside where it was cozy.

  “I need a drink but I’ll wait until we get back to the hotel before I get well and truly plastered.”

  “That’s the spirit.” She grabbed a mini bottle of Grey Goose sitting on ice and downed it in a couple of swallows. “That feels better.”

  Will stared at her as she sifted through the alcohol and grabbed a miniature bottle of Cristal champagne. “Are you trying to get drunk before we get back to the hotel?”

  “No, but I would like to be highly buzzed…if only to forget about tonight.”

  He knew the look on his face was slightly hurtful despite knowing what she meant. She was disgusted with herself and what had happened with her ex but it wasn’t her fault.