At Swim-Two-Birds

by Flann O'Brien

  Mr Shanahan laughed in a cultured manner.

  The riddle of the universe I might solve if I had a mind to, he said, but I prefer the question to the answer. It serves men like us as a bottomless pretext for scholarly dialectic.

  Other points not unworthy of mention, mentioned Mr Furriskey in an absent-minded though refined manner, are the following: the great pyramid at Gizeh is 450 feet high and ranks as one of the seven wonders of the world, the others being the hanging gardens of Babylon, the tomb of Mausolus in Asia Minor, the colossus of Rhodes, the temple of Diana, the statue of Jupiter at Olympia and the Pharos Lighthouse built by Ptolemy the First about three hundred and fifty years B.C. Hydrogen freezes at minus 253 degrees centigrade, equivalent to minus 423 on the Fahrenheit computation.

  Everyday or colloquial names for chemical substances, observed Mr Shanahan, cream of tartar – bitartrate of potassium, plaster of Paris – sulphate of calcium, water – oxide of hydrogen. Bells and watches on board ship: first dog – 4 p.m. to 6 p.m., second dog – 6 p.m. to 8 p.m., afternoon – noon to 4 p.m. Paris, son of Priam, King of Troy, carried off the wife of Menelaus, King of Sparta and thus caused the Trojan War.

  The name of the wife, said Lamont, was Helen. A camel is unable to swim owing to the curious anatomical distribution of its weight, which would cause its head to be immersed if the animal were placed in deep water. Capacity in electricity is measured by the farad; one microfarad is equal to one millionth of a farad. A carbuncle is a fleshy excrescence resembling the wattles of a turkey-cock. Sphragistics is the study of engraved seals.

  Excellent, remarked Mr Furriskey with that quiet smile which endeared him to everyone who happened to come his way, but do not overlook this, that the velocity of light in vacuo is 186,325; miles per second. The velocity of sound in air is 1,120 feet per second, in tin 8,150 feet per second, in walnut mahogany and heavy timbers 11,000 feet per second approximately; in firwood, 20,000 feet per second. Sine 15 degrees is equal to the root of six minus the root of two, the whole divided by four. Percentages of £1: 1¼ per cent, threepence; 5 per cent, one shilling; 12½ per cent, a half a crown. Some metric equivalents: one mile equals 1·6093 kilometres; one inch equals 2·54 centimetres; one ounce equals 28·352 grams. The chemical symbol of Calcium is Ca and of Cadmium, Cd. A Trapezoid may be defined as a four-sided figure capable of being transformed into two triangles by the means of a diagonal line.

  Some curious facts about the Bible, Mr Lamont mentioned politely, the longest chapter is Psalm 119 and the briefest, Psalm 117. The Apocrypha contains 14 Books. The first English translation was published in A.D. 1535.

  Some notable dates in the history of the world, observed Mr Shanahan, 753 B.C., foundation of Rome by Romulus, 490 B.C. Battle of Marathon, A.D. 1498, Vasco da Gama sailed around South Africa and reached India, 23 April 1564 Shakespeare was born.

  It was then that Mr Furriskey surprised and, indeed, delighted his companions, not to mention our two friends, by a little act which at once demonstrated his resource and his generous urge to spread enlightenment. With the end of his costly malacca cane, he cleared away the dead leaves at his feet and drew the outline of three dials or clock-faces on the fertile soil in this fashion:

  How to read the gas-meter, he announced. Similar dials to these somewhat crudely depicted at my feet may be observed on any gas-meter. To ascertain the consumption of gas, one should procure pencil and paper and write down the figures nearest to the indicator on each dial – thus in the present hypothetical case 963. To this one should add two zeros or noughts, making the number 96,300. This is the answer and represents the consumption of gas in cubic feet The reading of the electric-meter for the discovery of consumption in Kilowatt-hours is more intricate than the above and would require the help of six dials for demonstration purposes – more indeed that I have room for in the space I have cleared of withered leaves, even assuming the existing dials could be adapted for the purpose.

  Thereafter these three savant or wise men of the East began to talk: together in a rapid manner and showered forth pearls of knowledge and erudition, gems without price, invaluable carbuncles of sophistry and scholastic science, thomistic maxims, intricate theorems in plane geometry and lengthy extracts from Kant’s Kritik der reinischen Vernunst. Frequent use was made of words unheard of by illiterates and persons of inferior education exempli gratia saburra or foul granular deposit in the pit of the stomach, tachylyte, a vitreous form of basalt, tapir, a hoofed mammal with the appearance of a swine, capon, castrated cock, triacontahedral, having thirty sides or surfaces and botargo, relish of mullet or tunny roe. The following terms relating to the science of medicine were used with surprising frequency, videlicet, chyme, exophthalmus, scirrhus, and mycetoma meaning respectively food when acted upon by gastric juices and converted into acid pulp, protrusion of the eyeball, hard malignant tumour and fungoid disease of hand or foot. Aestho-therapy was touched upon and reference made to the duodenum, that is, the primary part of the small intestine, and the caecum or blind gut. Flowers and plants rarely mentioned in ordinary conversation were accorded their technical or quasi-botanical titles without difficulty or hesitation for instance now fraxinella species of garden dittany, canna plant with decorative blossoms, bifoliate of two leaves (also bifurcate forked), cardamom spice from the germinal capsules of certain East India plants, granadilla passion flower, knapweed hard-stemmed worthless plant, campanula plant with bell-shaped blossoms, and dittany see fraxinella above. Unusual animals mentioned were the pangolin, chipmunk, echidna, babiroussa and bandicoot, of which a brief descriptive account would be (respectively), scabrous-spined scaly ant-eater, American squirrel alitor wood-rat, Australian toothless animal resembling the hedgehog, Asiatic wild-hog, large Indian insectivorous marsupial resembling the rat

  The Pooka made a perfunctory noise and stepped from the shelter of his tree.

  Your morning talk in the shadow of the wood, he said with a bow, that has been an incomparable recital. Two plants which you did not mention – the bdellium-tree and the nard, each of which yields an aromatic oleo-resinous medicinal product called balsam which I find invaluable for preserving the freshness of the person. I carry it with me in my tail pocket in a chryselephantine pouncet-box of perfect rotundity.

  The three men regarded the Pooka in silence for a while and then conversed for a moment in Latin. Finally Mr Furriskey spoke.

  Good morning, my man, what can I do for you, he asked. I am a Justice of the Peace. Do you wish to be sworn or make a statement?

  I do not, said the Pooka, but this man with me is a fugitive from Justice.

  In that case he should be tried and well tried, said Mr Lamont courteously.

  This is my object in approaching you, said the Pooka.

  He looks a right ruffian, observed Mr Shanahan. What is the charge, pray, he asked taking a small constabulary note-book from his pocket.

  There are several counts and charges, replied the Pooka, and more are expected. I understand he is wanted in Scotland. The police have not yet completed their inquiries but that small note-book would not contain the half of the present charges, even if taken down in brief and precise shorthand.

  In that case we will not bother about the charges at all, said Mr Shanahan putting away his book. He looks a very criminal type, I must say.

  During this conversation the prisoner was stretched on the ground in an unconscious condition.

  Let him be brought to trial in due process oflaw, said Mr Furriskey.

  When his wits returned to Dermot Trellis, they did not come together but singly and at intervals. They came, each with its own agonies, and sat uneasily on the outer border of the mind as if in readiness for going away again.

  When the sufferer was strong enough to observe the shape of his surroundings, he saw that he was in a large hall not unlike the Antient Concert Rooms in Brunswick Street (now Pearse Street). The King was on his throne, the satraps thronged the hall, a thousand bright lamps shone, o’er that high festiva
l. Ornate curtains of twilled beaverteen were draped about the throne. Near to the roof there was a loggia or open-shaped gallery or arcade supported on thin pillars, each with a guilloche on its top for ornament; the loggia seemed to be packed with people, each with a cold-watching face. The air was heavy and laden with sullen banks of tobacco smoke; this made respiration an extremely difficult matter for a person like Trellis, who was not in perfect health. He felt a growing queasiness about his stomach and also tormina, griping pains in the region of the bowels. His clothing was disarranged and torn and piteously stained with blood and other fluids discharged probably from his many wounds. Generally speaking he was in very poor condition.

  When he raised his eyes again there appeared to be no less than twelve kings on the throne. There was an ornamental bench in front of them like the counter of a good-class public house and they leaned their elbows on it, gazing coldly ahead of them. They were dressed uniformly in gowns of black gunny, an inexpensive material manufactured from jute fibre, and with their jewelled fingers they held the stems of long elegant glasses of brown porter.

  In the centre of a shadow to the left-hand side of the bench was the Pooka MacPhellimey, attired in a robe of stout cotton fabric called dimity and seated in an article resembling a prie-dieu with a stout back to it; he appeared to be writing in shorthand in a black note-book.

  The sufferer gave an accidental groan and found that the Pooka was immediately at his side and bending over him in a solicitous fashion, making formal inquiries on the subject of the cripple’s health.

  What is going to happen to me next? asked Trellis.

  Shortly you will be judged, replied the Pooka. The judges are before you on the bench there.

  I see their shadow, said Trellis, but my face is not in that direction and I cannot turn it. Their names, that would be a boon.

  Woe to the man that shall refuse a small kindness, responded the Pooka with the intonation that is required for the articulation of the old proverbs. The names of the judges are easy to relate: J. Furriskey, T. Lamont, P. Shanahan, S. Andrews, S. Willard, Mr Sweeny, J. Casey, R. Kiersey, M. Tracy, Mr Lamphall, F. MacCool, Supt. Clohessy.

  The jury? asked Trellis.

  The same, rejoined the Pooka.

  That is the last blow that brings a man to the ground, observed Trellis. His wits then took leave of him and remained at a distance for a long period of time.

  That place is a picture-house now, of course, said Shanahan’s voice as it cut through the pattern of the story, plenty of the cowboy stuff there. The Palace Cinema, Pearse Street. Oh, many a good hour I spent there too.

  A great place in the old days, said Lamont. They had tenors and one thing or another there in the old days. Every night they had something good.

  And every night they had something new, said Shanahan.

  On his smallest finger Orlick screwed the cap of his Waterman fountain-pen, the one with the fourteen-carat nib; when he unscrewed it again there was a black circle about his finger.

  Symbolism of the foregoing: annoyance.

  I will now continue, he announced.

  Certainly man, said Shanahan, a hand to the writer’s biceps. We’ll get him yet! We’ll take the skin off his body.

  A little less talk and we were right, said Furriskey.

  When Trellis had again re-attained reason, he found that his body was on a large chair and supported by the loan of supernatural strength, for many of the bones requisite for maintaining an upright position were in two halves and consequently unable to discharge their functions. Noiselessly the Pooka came beside him and whispered in his ear.

  To be defended by eminent lawyers, he said, that is the right of a man that is accused. There are two men in the court here and you can now be at the choice of them.

  I did not expect this, said Trellis. He found that his voice was loud and probably strengthened by the agency of the one that was whispering at his ear. What are their names ?

  They are Greek citizens, rejoined the Pooka, Timothy Danaos and Dona Ferentes.

  The gift of speech, said Trellis, that is one thing they lack.

  And a great pity, said the Pooka, for they are fine-looking men and that is a serious blemish.

  Trellis in reply to this fashioned a long sentence in his mind, but the words he put on it were lost by the activity of a string orchestra in one of the galleries which struck up a stirring anthem. The players were unseen but two violins, a viola, a piccolo and a violoncello would be a sagacious guess as to their composition. The judges at the long counter listened in a cultured fashion, quietly fingering the stems of their stout-glasses.

  Call the first witness, said the voice of Mr Justice Shanahan, stern and clear as the last bit of music faded from the vast hall and retired to the secrecy of its own gallery. This was the signal for the opening of the great trial. Reporters poised their pencils above their note-books, waiting. The orchestra could be heard very faintly as if at a great distance, playing consecutive fifths in a subdued fashion and tuning their instruments one against the other. The Pooka closed his black note-book and stood up in his prie-dieu.

  Samuel (‘Slug’) Willard, he boomed, take the stand.

  Slug Willard hastily swallowed the residue of his stout, drew a cuff across his mouth and disengaging himself from his confreres at the counter, came forward to the witness-box swinging his large hat in his hand. He spat heavily on the floor and inclined his ear in a genial manner towards the Pooka, who appeared to be administering an oath in an undertone.

  Trellis noticed that Sweeny was drinking bimbo, a beverage resembling punch and seldom consumed in this country. The stout-glass of Willard was now full again and stood finely on the counter against the back of his vacant chair.

  A judge acting as a juryman is bad enough, said Trellis, but to act also as a witness, that is most irregular.

  Silence, said Mr Justice Shanahan severely. Are you legally represented?

  I have been assigned two dumb-bells, said Trellis bravely. I have declined their services.

  Your ill-conditioned behaviour will avail you nothing, rejoined the judge in a tone even more severe. One more word and I will deal with you summarily for contempt. Proceed with the witness, Mr MacPhellimey.

  I meant no harm, Sir, said Trellis.

  Silence.

  The Pooka stood up in his prie-dieu and sat on its back staring at the pages of his black note-book. A keen-eyed observer would notice that there was no writing on them.

  State your name and occupation, he said to Mr Willard.

  Willard Slug, said Mr Willard.I am a cattleman and a cowpuncher, a gentleman farmer in the Western tradition.

  Have you ever been employed by the accused?

  Yes.

  In what capacity?

  As tram-conductor.

  Give in your own words a brief statement of the remuneration and conditions of service attaching to the position.

  My pay was fifteen shillings per week of seventy-two hours, non-pensionable emoluments. I was compelled to sleep in an unsanitary attic.

  Under what circumstances were your services utilized?

  I was instructed to meet and accept his fare from Mr Furriskey when he was returning one night from Donnybrook. I did so.

  In what manner were you compelled to address Mr Furriskey?

  In guttersnipe dialect, at all times repugnant to the instincts of a gentleman.

  You have already said that the character or milieu of the conversation was distasteful to you?

  Yes. It occasioned considerable mental anguish.

  Have you any further remarks to make on this subject relevant to the charges now under consideration?

  Yes. It was represented that my employment as conductor would commence and terminate on the night in question. I was actually engaged for six months owing to my employer’s negligence in failing to instruct me that my employment was at an end.

  Was this curious circumstance afterwards explained?

  In a way, ye
s. He attributed his failure to discharge me to forget-fulness. He absolutely refused to entertain a claim which I advanced in respect of compensation for impaired health.

  To what to you attribute your impaired health?

  Malnutrition and insufficient clothing. My inadequate pay and a luncheon interval of only ten minutes prohibited both the purchase or consumption of nourishing food. When my employment started, I was provided with a shirt, boots and socks, and a light uniform of dyed dowlas, a strong fabric resembling calico. No underdrawers were provided and as my employment was protracted into the depths of the winter, I was entirely unprotected from the cold. I contracted asthma, catarrh and various pulmonary disorders.

  That is all I have to ask, said the Pooka.

  Mr Justice Lamont tapped his stout-glass on the counter and said to Trellis.

  Do you wish to cross-examine the witness?

  I do, said Trellis.

  He endeavoured to rise and place his hands in the pockets of his trousers in a casual manner but he found that much of the super-natural strength had been withdrawn. He found that he was now in the grip of a severe myelitis or inflammation of the spinal cord. He crouched on his chair, shuddering in the spasms of a clonus and pressed out words from his mouth with the extremity of his will-power.

  You have stated, he said, that you were compelled to sleep in an unsanitary attic. In what respect were the principles of hygiene violated?

  The attic was infested by clocks. I found sleep impossible owing to the activities of bed-lice.

  Did you ever in your life take a bath?

  Mr Justice Andrews rapped violently on the counter.

  Do not answer that question, he said loudly.

  I put it to you, said Trellis, that the bed-lice were near relations of other small inhabitants of your own verminous person.

  That savours of contempt, said Mr Justice Lamont in a testy manner, we will not have any more of that. The witness is excused.

  Mr Willard retired to his seat behind the counter and immediately put his stout-glass to his head; Trellis fell back on his chair in a swoon of exhaustion. Distantly the orchestra could be heard in the metre of a dainty toccata.