At Swim-Two-Birds

by Flann O'Brien

  Call the next witness.

  William Tracy, boomed the Pooka, take the stand.

  Mr Tracy, an elderly man, fat, scanty-haired and wearing pince-nez, came quickly from the counter and entered the witness-box. He smiled nervously at the Bench, avoiding the gaze of Trellis, whose head was again bravely stirring amid the ruin of his body and his clothing.

  State your name, said the Pooka.

  Tracy, William James.

  You are acquainted with the accused?

  Yes, professionally.

  At this point the entire personnel of the judges arose in a body and filed out behind a curtain in the corner of the hall over which there was a red-lighted sign. They were absent for the space of ten minutes but the trial proceeded steadily in their absence. The pulse of a mazurka, graceful and lively, came quietly from the distance.

  Explain your connections with the accused.

  About four years ago he approached me and represented that he was engaged in a work which necessitated the services of a female character of the slavey class. He explained that technical difficulties relating to ladies’ dress had always been an insuperable obstacle to his creation of satisfactory female characters and produced a document purporting to prove that he was reduced on other occasions to utilizing disguised males as substitutes for women, a device which he said could scarcely be persisted in indefinitely. He mentioned a growing unrest among his readers. Eventually I agreed to lend him a girl whom I was using in connexion with Jake’s Last Throw, a girl who would not be required by myself for some months owing to my practice of dealing with the action of groups of characters alternately. When she left me to go to him, she was a good girl and attentive to her religious duties…

  How long was she in his employment?

  About six months. When she returned to me she was in a certain condition.

  No doubt you remonstrated with the accused?

  Yes. He disclaimed all responsiblity and said that his record was better than mine, a remark which I failed to appreciate.

  You took no action?

  Not so far as the accused was concerned. I considered seeking a, remedy in the courts but was advised that my case was one which the courts would be unlikely to understand. I discontinued all social intercourse with the accused.

  Did you reinstate the girl in her employment?

  Yes. I also created an otherwise unnecessary person to whom I married her and found honest if unremunerative employment for her son with a professional friend who was engaged in a work dealing with unknown aspects of the cotton-milling industry.

  Did the introduction of this character to whom you married the girl adversely affect your work?

  Assuredly. The character was clearly superfluous and impaired the artistic integrity of my story. I was compelled to make his unauthorized interference with an oil-well the subject of a footnote. His introduction added considerably to my labours.

  Is there any other incident which occurs to you explanatory of the character of the accused?

  Yes. During his illness in 1924 I sent him – in a charitable attempt to entertain him – a draft of a short story I had written dealing in an original way with banditry in Mexico towards the close of the last century. Within a month it appeared under his own name in a Canadian magazine.

  That’s a lie! screamed Trellis from his chair.

  The judges frowned in unison and regarded the accused in a threatening fashion. Mr Justice Sweeny, returning from behind the curtain in the corner of the hall said:

  You had better conduct yourself, Sir. Your arrogant bearing and your insolence have already been the subject of severe comment. Any further blackguardism will be summarily dealt with. Is it your Intention to cross-examine this witness?

  Trellis said, Yes.

  Very well then. Proceed.

  The invalid here gathered his senses closely about him as if they were his overcoat to ensure that they should not escape before his purpose was accomplished. He said to the witness:

  Have you ever heard this said: Dog does not eat dog.

  There was a rattle of glasses at this point and a stem direction from the bench.

  Do not answer that question.

  Trellis drew a hand wearily across his face.

  One other point, he said. You have stated that this person whom you created was entirely unnecessary. If I recollect the tale aright he was accustomed to spend much of his time in the scullery. Is that correct?

  Yes.

  What was he doing there?

  Peeling potatoes for the household.

  Peeling potatoes for the household. You said he was unnecessary.

  You regard that as an entirely wasteful and unnecessary task?

  Not at all. The task is necessary and useful. It is the character who carried it out who is stated to be unnecessary.

  I put it to you that the utility of any person is directly related to the acts he performs.

  There was a potato-peeler in the kitchen, a machine.

  Indeed! I did not notice it.

  In the recess, near the range, on the left-hand side.

  I put it to you that there was no potato-peeler.

  There was. It was in the house for a long time.

  Here a question from the direction of the counter brought the further examination of the witness to a conclusion.

  What is a potato-peeler? asked Mr Justice Andrews.

  A machine, worked by hand, usually used for peeling potatoes, replied the witness.

  Very well. Cross-examination concluded. Call the next witness.

  Let the Good Fairy take the stand, boomed the Pooka.

  I’ve been in the stand all the time, said the voice, the grand stand.

  Where is this woman? asked Mr Justice Lamphall sharply. If she does not appear quickly I will issue a bench warrant.

  This man has no body on him at all, explained the Pooka. Sometimes I carry him in my waistcoat pocket for days and do not know that he is there.

  In that case we must declare the Habeas Corpus Act suspended, said Mr Lamphall. Proceed. Where is the witness now? Come now, no horseplay. This is a court of Law.

  I am not very far away, said the Good Fairy.

  Are you acquainted with the accused? asked the Pooka.

  Maybe I am, said the Good Fairy.

  What class of an answer is that to give? inquired Mr Justice Casey sternly.

  Answers do not matter so much as questions, said the Good Fairy. A good question is very hard to answer. The better the question the harder the answer. There is no answer at all to a very good question.

  That is a queer thing to say, said Mr Justice Casey. Where did you say it from?

  From the key-hole, said the Good Fairy. I am going out for a breath of air and I will be back again when it suits me.

  That key-hole should have been stuffed, said Mr Justice Shanahan. Call the next witness before the fly-boy comes back to annoy us.

  Paul Shanahan, boomed the Pooka.

  It would not be true to say that the sufferer on the chair was unconscious, however much his appearance betokened that happy state, for he was listening to the pulse of a fine theme in three-four time, coming softly to his brain from illimitable remoteness. Darkling he listened. Softly it modulated through a gamut of graduated keys, terminating in a quiet coda.

  Paul Shanahan, called and sworn, deposed that he was in the employment of the accused for many years. He was not a party to the present action and had no personal grudge against the accused man. He was thoroughly trained and could serve in any capacity; his talents, however, were ignored and he was compelled to spend his time directing and arranging the activities of others, many of whom were of inferior ability as compared with himself. He was forced to live in a dark closet in the Red Swan Hotel and was allowed little or no liberty. The accused purported to direct witness in the discharge of his religious duties but he (witness) regarded this merely as a pretext for domestic interference and tyranny. His reputed salary was 45s. per wee
k but no allowance was made for travelling and tramfares. He estimated that such expenses amounted to 30s. or 35s. per week. His food was bad and insufficient and required to be supplemented from his own resources. He had wide experience of cow-punching and had served with distinction at the Siege of Sandymount. He was accustomed to handling small-arms and shooting-irons. In company with other parties, he presented a petition to the accused praying relief from certain disabilities and seeking improved pay and conditions of service. The accused violently refused to make any of the concessions sought and threatened the members of the deputation who waited on him with certain physical afflictions, most of which were degrading and involved social stigma. In reply to a question, witness said that the accused was subject to extreme irritability and ‘tantrums ’. On several occasions, after reporting to the accused that plans had somewhat miscarried – a circumstance for which witness was in no way to blame – witness found his person infested with vermin. Friends of his (witness’s) had complained to him of similar visitations. In reply to a question by the accused, witness said that he was always very careful of personal cleanliness. It was untrue to say that witness was a man of unclean habits.

  At this stage a man in the body of the court announced that he had a statement to make and proceeded to read in an indistinct manner from a document which he produced from his pocket. He was immediately set upon by armed cowboys who removed him struggling violently, his words being drowned by a vigorous prestissimo movement of the gavotte class played in a spirited fashion by the orchestra in the secrecy of the gallery. The judges took no notice of the interruption and continued drinking from their long stout-glasses. Four of them at one end of the counter were making movements suggestive of card-play but as a result of their elevated position, no cards or money could be seen.

  The next witness was a short-horn cow who was escorted by a black-liveried attendant from a cloakroom marked LADIES at the rear of the hall The animal, a magnificent specimen of her class, was accorded the gift of speech by a secret theurgic process which had been in the possession of the Pooka’s family for many generations. Udder and dewlap aswing in the rhythm of her motion, she shambled forward to the witness-box, turning her great eyes slowly about the court in a melancholy but respectful manner. The Pooka, an expert spare-time dairyman, familiar with the craft of husbandry, watched her with a practised eye, noting the fine points of her body.

  State your name, he said curtly.

  That is a thing I have never attained, replied the cow. Her voice was low and guttural and of a quality not normally associated with the female mammalia.

  Are you acquainted with the accused?

  Yes.

  Socially or professionally?

  Professionally.

  Have your relations with him been satisfactory?

  By no means.

  State the circumstances of your relations with him.

  In a work entitled – pleonastically, indeed – The Closed Cloister, I was engaged to discharge my natural functions in a field. My milking was not attended to with regularity. When not in advanced pregnancy, a cow will suffer extreme discomfort if not milked at least once in twenty-four hours. On six occasions during the currency of the work referred to, I was left without attention for very long periods.

  You suffered pain?

  Intense pain.

  Mr Justice Lamont made a prolonged intermittent noise with the butt of his half-empty glass, the resulting vibration providing the porter it contained with a new and considerably improved head.

  The noise was a token that he desired to put a question.

  Tell me this, he said. Can you not milk yourself?

  I can not, replied the cow.

  Musha, you appear to be very helpless. Why not, pray?

  I have no hands and even if I had, the arms would not be long enough.

  That savours of contempt, said the Justice sternly. This is a court of Justice, not a music-hall. Does the defendant wish to cross-examine?

  Trellis had been listening in a preoccupied manner to a number of queer noises in the interior of his head. He desisted from this occupation and looked at the Justice. The Justice’s features were still arranged in the pattern of the question he had asked.

  I do indeed, he said, endeavouring to rise and present a spirited exterior to the court. Still sitting, he turned in the direction of the witness.

  Well, Whitefoot, be said, you suffered pain because your milking was overlooked?

  I did. My name is not Whitefoot.

  You have stated that a cow will suffer considerable pain if not milked at regular times. There is, however, another important office discharged by the cowkeeper, a seasonal rite not entirely unconnected with the necessity for providing milk for our great-grandchildren…

  I do not know what you are talking about.

  The failure of the cowkeeper to attend to this matter, I am given to understand, causes acute discomfort Was this attended to in your case?

  I don’t know what you are talking about, shouted the cow excitedly. I resent your low insinuations. I didn’t come here to be humiliated and insulted….

  There was a loud rapping from the direction of the bench. Mr Justice Furriskey directed a cold severe finger at the defendant.

  Your ill-conditioned attempt to discredit an exemplary witness, he said, and to introduce into the proceedings an element of smut, will be regarded as contempt and punished summarily as such unless immediately discontinued. The witness may go too. A more unsavoury example of the depraved and diseased mind it has rarely been my misfortune to encounter.

  Mr Justice Shanahan concurred. The cow, very much embarrassed, turned and slowly left the court without a stain on her character, her glossy flank the object of expert examination by the practised eye of the Pooka as she passed him on her way. Stretching out a finger, he appraised the pile of her coat with a long nail. The members of the unseen orchestra could be faintly heard practising their scales and arpeggii and rubbing good-quality Italian rosin with a whistling noise on their bows. Three members of the bench had fallen forward in an attitude of besotted sleep as a result of the inordinate quantity of brown porter they had put into their bodies. The public at the back of the hall had erected an impenetrable barrier of acrid tobacco-smoke and had retired behind it, affording coughs and occasional catcalls as evidence that they were still in attendance. The light was somewhat yellower than it had been an hour before.

  Call the next witness!

  Antony Lamont, boomed the Pooka, take the stand.

  At all times a strict observer of etiquette, the witness laid aside his judicial robe before making his way unsteadily from the bench to the witness-box. Under the cover of the counter the hand of a fellow-judge ran quickly through the pockets of the discarded garment.

  You were an employee of the accused? asked the Pooka.

  That is so.

  Please afford the court a statement of your duties.

  My main function was to protect the honour of my sister and look after her generally. People who insulted or assaulted her were to be answerable to me.

  Where is your sister now?

  I do not know. Dead, I believe.

  When did you last see her?

  I never saw her. I never had the pleasure of her acquaintance.

  You say she is dead?

  Yes. I was not even asked to her funeral.

  Do you know how she died?

  Yes. She was violently assaulted by the accused about an hour after she was born and died indirectly from the effects of the assault some time later. The proximate cause of her death was puerperal sepsis.

  Very delicately put, said Mr Justice Furriskey. You are an exemplary witness, Sir. If every other witness in this court were to give evidence in a similar straightforward and clear manner, the work of the court would be appreciably lightened.

  Those of the other judges who were in an upright position concurred with deep nods.

  Your Lordship’s generous remarks ar
e appreciated and will be conveyed to the proper quarter, said the witness pleasantly, and I need scarcely add that the sentiments are reciprocated.

  Mr F. MacPhellimey, court clerk, paid a tribute to the harmonious relations which had always obtained between the bar and the bench and expressed a desire to be associated with the amiable compliments which had been exchanged. The Justice returned thanks in the course of a witty and felicitous speech.

  At this stage, the prisoner, in order to protect his constitutional rights and also in an endeavour to save his life, pointed out that this exchange of pleasantries was most irregular and that the evidence of the witness was valueless, being on his own admission a matter of hearsay and opinion; but, unfortunately, as a result of his being unable to rise or, for that matter, to raise his voice above the level of a whisper, nobody in the court was aware that he had spoken at all except the Pooka, who practised a secret recipe of his grandfather’s – the notorious Crack MacPhellimey – for reading the thoughts of others. Mr Lamont had again donned his Judicial robe and was making inquiries about a box of matches which he represented to have been put by him in the right-hand pocket. The members of the unseen orchestra were meticulously picking out an old French tune without the assistance of their bows, a device technically known as pizzicato.

  Orlick kid down his pen in the spine-hollow of the red sixpenny copybook he was writing on, the nib pointing away from him. He put his palms to the sides of his head and opened his jaws to an angle of roughly 70 degrees, revealing completely his twin dental horse-shoes. There were four machined teeth at the back and six golden teeth of surpassing richness and twinkle at the front As his mandibles came together again, a weary moaning sound escaped him and large globules of glandular secretion stood out on the edge of his eyes. Closing the copybook in an idle manner, he read the legend printed legibly on its back.

  Nature of legend: Don’t run across the road without first looking both ways! Don’t pass in front of or behind a standing vehicle without first looking both ways! Don’t play at being last across on any road or street! Don’t follow a rolling ball into the road while there is traffic about! Don’t hang on to a vehicle or climb on to it! Don’t forget to walk on the footpath if there is one! Safety First!