Love Today

by Delaney, Delia

  For once I actually understood where he was coming from. For once, he finally communicated in a way that made sense to me. It made me feel horrible, but I understood. I would never want to be in that position either, and I knew that he felt that way all along, but it finally hit me in a way that fully registered.

  “Zack, I’m sorry about how things came about…”

  “I just want to move on, Taryn. And I want you to be happy so…just let me know what you decide, okay?”

  “This is…this is not easy, okay? I’ve got…this other life now and…I just…I can’t just…”

  Just thinking about Jared and Maggie and Zack, and the stupid mess I was tangled up in, made me cry again. I really didn’t know what I was supposed to do, but even though I knew that I cared about Zack, I couldn’t just drop my life with Jared. There was too much between us, too many emotions. I had fallen in love with him, and together we were about to take a new step in our lives.

  I was startled when Maggie came into the room again. I was thankful that she didn’t notice that I’d been crying, but Zack knew she was near when he heard her ask if he was still on the phone. He told me that he loved me again and that he’d talk to me soon. Then he asked to say goodnight to Maggie, so I let her speak to him for a couple of minutes while I splashed some water on my face in the bathroom. She was curled up in the covers when I came out, and I sullenly picked up my phone from the bed where she’d left it.

  For some reason I stared at Zack’s name as my most recent call, and it made me sad.

  I’d already planned on telling Jared that Zack had called, but it was the first thing that Maggie mentioned to him when he arrived to pick us up the next morning. My mom even heard, even though she was already aware of it because Maggie went on and on to her about Zack the night before while I was talking to him. But even though Jared was able to convince Maggie he was happy for her, I could tell that it wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

  My mom realized the need for us to discuss it privately, so she convinced Maggie to help her make pancakes so we could go in the other room to talk.

  “It’s like…the ex-husband that’s still in the picture,” was the first thing he said. “Checking in with his kid.” He said it with a partial smile, so I knew he wasn’t mad, but because of my promise to always be honest with him, I knew I was going to upset him.

  “I talked to him, too,” I admitted.

  He raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

  I sighed and I know the drooping of my shoulders betrayed my emotions.

  “Oh,” he stated more sullenly.

  “Jared—”

  “The truth, Taryn. That’s all I want.”

  “I know, and I will be honest.”

  “Then just say it. He wants you back?”

  I took a few seconds to gather my thoughts and replied, “In so many words, yeah.”

  I looked at Jared as he sat back against the couch in silence. For once he had a blank look on his face and I couldn’t read him entirely.

  “Well, just tell me where things go from here. Are you guys getting back together?”

  It took me completely by surprise. I shook my head and replied, “No, not exactly.”

  “What does ‘not exactly’ mean?”

  “It means that I told him I have something great with you.”

  He seemed surprised, which made me feel bad. But I couldn’t help but feel that this was such a similar conversation to the one I’d had with Zack, concerning Jared, months ago. Jared knew how that turned out, and I couldn’t blame him for being cautious.

  I repeated my phone call with Zack in its entirety. Jared listened carefully and didn’t react much, but he did ask a few questions. When he made a comment about putting off looking at houses, I assumed that I’d totally blown it with him and he wasn’t willing to make that step with me anymore. I understood, but it made my heart break. He must have been able to tell, because he studied me curiously for a few seconds and said, “You still want that? I mean I do, Taryn, but I just thought this meant…”

  “You do?”

  “Were you hoping I wouldn’t?”

  “What?”

  He sighed and slightly shook his head. “Sorry, that was rude.” He paused for a bit, seeming to think for a moment. Then he looked at me and said, “Okay, here’s where I stand. Just to be upfront. I still want to buy a house here, and I still want you and Maggie to live in it if you want. There are no strings attached to that, okay? You don’t have to feel like I’m offering you that only if we’re in a relationship together. It’s beneficial for me because I’m up here a lot anyways, but since you’re here, it’s even better. I want a place out of L.A. so this is it because I want to be close to you and Maggie. But if you choose to be with Zack… Obviously you and I will just be friends. Of course I want the same with Maggie too, if… Well, if there’s room in her life for me.”

  “Of course there would be, but you don’t have to wor—”

  “I’m just saying. But this doesn’t mean I’m giving you up, Taryn. There’s no way I’m stepping aside unless you tell me to. I’m just letting you know if Zack is your choice, then I want to be a part of Maggie’s life anyway. I think he probably feels the same way, so just to be clear, I’m okay with that and I understand it. However, I’ll probably be a little more cautious because of how he feels about you. I’m sure he’d feel the same way about me, too.”

  “I’m not the type to stray,” I replied, feeling a little irritated.

  He smiled and said, “I know, Taryn. I trust you entirely. But it’s just…”

  “I know. I guess I understand. I would feel the same way.”

  He didn’t say anything for a bit, and I realized that it was probably my turn for full disclosure. I took his hand in mine and it made him smile. That made me smile, and I laid my head against his shoulder. “Jared, I love him because he’s important to me, but I’m in love with you. I don’t have plans to change anything. I mean not our relationship. The conversation with Zack was…emotional. And I really don’t know how I feel about it because of the circumstances. I can’t just drop everything just because he’s… Well, just because he’s finally ready to be honest with me. I’m not sure what I would have done differently along the way, but I don’t regret the time I’ve spent with you, and in a way, things may have worked out how they should have. We are lucky to be close to you now; that might not have happened otherwise.”

  He wrapped his arms around me so I cuddled against him. I truly felt that way about the direction my life had taken. The relationship with Jared had been good for me, and Maggie, in so many ways. But how was it possible to love two different people? What kinds of decisions were going to be made in the future?

  “Do you still want to go house hunting today? Or would you rather hold off on that for a while? Maybe you can think about it while I’m in Canada next week, eh?”

  That made me chuckle, but I did consider it for a few seconds. “How about we just go look a little bit today, see what there is, how we feel about it, and go from there? Yeah there’s no rush, but if something looks like a good choice, we’ll discuss it and go from there.”

  “I’m so glad you’re almost twenty-two,” he teased. “You’re getting so wise.”

  “Ugh, I’m getting lots of practice lately.”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Maggie was so excited, even more than if Christmas had already arrived again. I couldn’t hold it against her—the pure innocence of a five-year-old—but she had no idea how I was feeling inside. In a way I was glad she could be my crutch again. She would be the buffer between any awkward moments with Zack. If he had her to focus on too, maybe I wouldn’t feel so tortured. But I knew it was going to be uncomfortable, and even though I was looking forward to finally seeing him again, I was scared.

  He arrived in San Francisco on a Thursday afternoon. Jared was supposed to be back from Canada by then, but his flight had been delayed and he wasn’t due back until that evening. I don’t know
if having Jared with me would have been easier or harder, but nobody planned it one way or the other. Zack figured he’d be meeting us as a package deal, so I wasn’t sure what he’d think now.

  I’d given him the address to my parents’ house, and after he rented a vehicle (which is what he wanted to do) he arrived right around the time he’d estimated. Maggie was sitting in front of the window waiting for him and her excited squeal scared the crud out of me. She was out the door before I had a chance to say anything, and I watched from the window as she ran down the walkway to meet him halfway. He scooped her up into a hug, and it did a number on me. It’d been almost three months since I’d seen them together.

  He carried her into the house as she chattered nonstop. I didn’t have to say anything to him right away since he was busy listening to her, but we did make eye contact as he shut the door behind him and it gave me a very heavy feeling in my chest. Finally, when Maggie paused for a second, he said, “Let me say hi to Taryn, okay?” He set her down, and even though she was still holding onto his arm, he made his way over to me and said, “Hey.”

  “Hey,” was all I could reply.

  We just stood there for a moment, Maggie staring at the two of us. At least I felt that she was staring at us because I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. Finally he took one step closer to me and gathered me in a hug. I could tell he wasn’t going to give me the option of resisting because of how secured I was in his arms, but I don’t think I would have refused anyways since I was quick to hug him back.

  “It’s good to see you,” he said softly against my hair.

  I didn’t respond with words and just held him for a moment. But a moment was all I could allow it to be—just a greeting—and I pulled away when Maggie started talking again. She started talking about Jared of all things, and the fact that we had Clyde for keeps. She was pretty excited about that, and she even called for Clyde to come greet our visitor.

  While Maggie was corralling the dog, Zack looked at me and asked, “Where’s your family?”

  “Oh, um, my brother is still at school—he’ll be home in about an hour—and my parents are both at work.”

  He slightly nodded, and I could tell he was waiting for me to initiate some of the conversation. But Maggie entered with Clyde, and we spent a few minutes discussing the canine and his quirky personality. It was conversation that bided the time until either one of us could say something more significant.

  “Are you hungry?” was all I had. “I made turkey noodle soup.”

  He nodded again. “Yeah, sure. That sounds good.”

  So we spent some time in the kitchen, and Maggie and I both ate with him. I couldn’t tell if it really was easier having her there, or if it made things more awkward. I wasn’t sure what we’d be talking about, but I’m sure it wouldn’t be about Jared’s music tour, Jared’s fast car, or Jared’s Christmas gifts.

  “So, uh, where is Jared?” he finally ended up asking me. Maggie had gone to the bathroom and he kind of looked around with the inquiry.

  “His flight was delayed. He’ll be in around seven.”

  “In from where?”

  “He had a two-show stint up in Canada this week.”

  He barely nodded and asked, “So how’s that life going for you? The rock star lifestyle,” he added with a smile.

  I kind of chuckled. “Well…sometimes it’s kind of crazy what his life is like—how public it is. But it’s actually not too bad for Maggie and I because he keeps us a bit sheltered from it. He likes to keep a low profile for the most part, even though there is always something being written about him or reported in one way or another. He’s a pretty private person when he has the chance to be.”

  “I saw a picture of the two of you,” he said.

  “Really?”

  “It looked like either a paparazzi photo or amateur of some sort, but yeah, you guys were leaving a restaurant. It said something like ‘Jared Miller and his current girlfriend, Taryn Hartford.’ ”

  I couldn’t process his tone very well, so I didn’t reply. Maggie returned by then and kept him occupied for several minutes while I finished eating. After that I suggested we venture out and do something fun, so Zack drove us to the children’s museum for Maggie. It was a nice setting for a casual couple of hours together, and we just talked about stuff in general to catch each other up. When I asked him about work he said he was doing good, and even though he’d sold the company, he was still working about forty hours a week for Rusty. He figured he would be for a while until Rusty felt completely comfortable running it on his own.

  He ended up asking about my photography, and I was surprised when he admitted that he kept tabs on it by checking my website every so often. He told me which photos he liked and why, and then he asked if I planned on doing more jobs or photo shoots for people.

  “I’ve actually been doing some photos for Jared’s band,” I confessed. “I never thought it was something that I’d like doing, but I really do.”

  He nodded. “Actually I saw your name attached to something recently… I don’t remember where I saw it but it was of a concert in Arizona.”

  “Oh. Yeah I posted some photos of that mini tour on Jared’s website and his social media pages.” I gave Zack a teasing smile and said, “Are you a Breaking Point follower?”

  He chuckled but replied, “I was before you were.”

  “Maybe so,” I agreed.

  “But to be honest with you…” He paused for a few seconds, and it wasn’t just to watch Maggie play in the bubbles exhibit. We did watch her for a bit, but Zack was trying to find the right words. “I liked knowing where you guys were,” he finally said. “Occasionally I would read an update that I knew you and Maggie were a part of too, so I liked having that information. I hated it, but I preferred the suffering for the little bit of insight.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say. Jared was pretty good at keeping people updated via social media. He and his bandmates took turns posting things for their fans. I knew there were also various photos of things the band and crew had done as a group, and Maggie and I were in some of those. I wondered if Zack had seen those pictures, but I didn’t ask.

  “I used to drive by your house all the time,” I admitted.

  I smiled at him with a side-glance and he did the same.

  “Stalker,” he muttered.

  I laughed and said, “I know. But you being out of the country kind of defeated the purpose of stalking you.”

  It was his turn to laugh and with a nod he replied, “Very true.” After a few seconds of silence he asked, “So at what point did you stop doing that?”

  I looked at him to make sure he was being serious. He was.

  “Um… I’m not sure really…”

  “Before or after Jared first kissed you?” I was surprised at that and he shrugged. “Just curious. I’m sure it helped.”

  “Helped with what? Getting over you?”

  “You got over me? That’s not what you said the other night.”

  I gave him a look, and he knew that he’d struck a nerve. He smiled to himself but didn’t respond. It seemed to be a sign for me that I wasn’t ready to talk about it with him face to face. I wasn’t sure what that meant exactly. I suppose in a way it felt taboo to have such a conversation when I was in a relationship with someone else.

  I did get a little uncomfortable while we were out and about with Maggie that day. Zack was perfectly accommodating to us as that “important friend” in our lives, but it was hard to forget all of the times we’d spent together as a couple. I couldn’t forget some of those experiences, and it became difficult as the evening wore on.

  We were out to dinner when I finally had to call Jared. Even if it was just to leave him a message that I was thinking about him, it helped alleviate some of the guilt I felt. Zack barely acknowledged that I made a phone call to my boyfriend as dessert arrived at the table. He busied himself with entertaining Maggie and didn’t look my way.

  Jared returned my c
all when we were leaving the restaurant. He’d just gotten off the plane and was on his way to see us. We headed back to Kensington and I did invite Zack to come in when we got to my parents’ house, but he knew that Jared would be there soon as well. Even so, I was surprised that he turned me down.

  “I thought you wanted to see my family again,” I said. Maggie had already gotten out of the car, so I told her to go on inside as I waited for Zack’s response. She had no idea that he was most likely headed for his hotel.

  He didn’t answer at first, but he finally said, “Not like this, Taryn. I mean what would you even say? Is it even something that you want to do? Bring in your ex that wants you back and is currently making your life a mess?”

  He had a point. I would have, just to be polite, but now that he’d stated that, I felt that he was right. “I’m sorry,” was all I could say.

  He shrugged. “It is what it is. I wouldn’t mind seeing your family—I would really love to—but I can’t with things being this way. I mean the circumstances were unpleasant the first time, when Rachel died, and now…”

  “I understand,” I replied softly.

  “I hope you do. I mean…I really hate that things can’t be the way they were before. And even though I enjoyed being with you and Maggie tonight…it’s been miserable.”

  “I know.”

  “You know? You know in what way, Taryn. How I could possibly feel, or because you feel the same way?”

  He waited for me to respond but I couldn’t. I knew the answer but wasn’t ready to discuss it.

  “I think you should probably go inside,” he finally said. “And about tomorrow…”

  “If you want to take Maggie for the day by yourself, that’s fine.”

  He paused, and even though I wasn’t looking at him, I could tell he nodded. “Yeah, that would be better if you don’t mind.”