Bitter Bonds

by Lex Valentine

  “Nothing will help. You can’t change Jake’s mind. Only Jake can.” He smiled weakly at his friends. “But I appreciate you both wanting to try. You’re the best friends I’ve ever had.”

  “Friends forever,” Micah vowed putting his arm around Finn from the other side. “If Jake tries to put you on a plane to New York, you can come stay with me and Nick. Go to school here with me. They have a decent music program. It’s no Juilliard, but you can certainly get your degree.”

  A germ of an idea began to form in Finn’s head. “Can you bring me some information about enrolling?” he asked Micah.

  “You got it.” The other sub nodded firmly.

  “Even if this doesn’t last with Jake, I have to be able to make a living. I can’t end up on the street again. I need a plan.” Finn’s mind whirled with ideas.

  “We’ll help,” Haven repeated. “You won’t end up on the street. You have us now. And as long as you work toward your goals and keep to your plan, anything is possible. I think you’re wrong about Jake, but even if you’re right, you won’t end up in dire straits like you did before.”

  Finn knew that he’d hit a turning point in his life. Juilliard was not for him. He needed to go to school because he had to support himself, but he wouldn’t leave Colorado. He belonged here with his friends even if Jake broke things off with him. For the first time in his life he would do what he wanted, what made him happy. He’d use his music for himself instead of letting others use it for their own benefit. He’d play piano bars and honky tonks, wherever he could get a gig, to pay for school. And afterward, maybe he’d teach. The thought of helping children with talent appealed to him.

  “All I need is a plan…”

  His friends grinned at him and Finn smiled back. Even if he lost Jake, he would be able to go on because he had a plan. With another sigh, he leaned back in his chair. He had survived a brutal five years with Arlen Reynolds. He could survive anything, even a broken heart.

  “You know what we need?”

  He and Haven turned their gazes to Micah who had an evil grin on his angelic face.

  “A night of dirty dancing,” he pronounced with an emphatic nod of his blond head. “Jake will shit his pants when he sees how many Doms want you. I’ll have Nick set it up. We’ll go out and dance and show you off, Finn. If that doesn’t push Jake over the edge then…I’ll think of something else that will!”

  The determined light in Micah’s eyes lifted Finn’s spirits. His friends’ support warmed and comforted him. He’d never been much of a dancer, but he knew it would be impossible to tell Micah “no” when he set his mind to something.

  Finn found his curiosity getting the better of him as he wondered just how Jake would react to Doms paying attention to him at Darkness. And he wondered what he would do if Jake just didn’t care. Eight – Jake

  Jake slipped from his bed and pulled on a pair of sweats, his gaze automatically going to the slender young man who lay sleeping peacefully beneath the covers. In the pale, late winter moonlight, Finn looked exactly like the anime elf Jake’s friends had nicknamed him for, the one that hung over the bed Finn currently slept in. But it was Finn’s personality and sexuality that would haunt Jake long after the boy’s appearance no longer matched that of the Japanese cartoon. Jake had never met a man who matched him so perfectly. Even though he’d deliberately kept kink out of their relationship, their natural dominance and submission still crept into everything they did. Finn occasionally called him sir instead of Jake and more often than not neither of them noticed. Jake’s dominance reared its head with every order he issued even though none of the orders were kinky. He’d never been so content.

  Unable to sleep, he gave his lover one last lingering look before he headed down to the studio. Bare feet silent on the wood floor Finn kept polished to a high gloss, Jake went into the big studio and turned on a digital recorder in the control room. Then he settled himself in a chair in the live room, adjusting a microphone near his face and cradling his Martin acoustic guitar to his bare chest. Before his father had become ill, he’d spent many nights in the studio with the recorder running, playing whatever came to him. In the last few years, he hadn’t been able to enjoy making music in such a spontaneous manner. He’d felt guilty about the amount of time he’d spent away from his submissives and guilt stifled creativity. With Finn, Jake didn’t feel guilty leaving their bed to pick up a guitar. He knew Finn would understand.

  He sat facing the control room window, his back to the door. Bits of an old song he’d never finished came back to him, reminding him that he hadn’t had any creative inspiration in a long time. He began to play, humming the melody and trying to remember if he’d actually written words to the song. With a shrug, he figured if he had, they were long gone and new words were bursting to come out of him. He cleared his throat and began to sing.

  My Daddy made me promise Not to throw my life away He told me to work hard at life And count my blessings every day.

  “Don’t ever give up on love, son,” Was his advice to me The heart that never knows love Is bound and cannot see.

  Jake hummed his way through a third verse that he hadn’t found the words for yet and went from an equally wordless chorus to the bridge. As he did so, he heard the plaintive melody echoed in the soft notes of the grand piano behind him. He twisted on his stool and looked over his shoulder at a half naked Finn seated at the glossy black instrument. Eyes closed, swaying gently with the music that flowed through him to his fingertips, Finn instinctively added depth to Jake’s original melody. When the submissive softly sang the bridge, the words he added cut straight to Jake’s soul.

  It doesn’t matter if you never loved me Doesn’t matter that you didn’t stay You made me happy while you were here And that memory won’t ever go away

  Jake stopped playing, unable to play another note. Finn didn’t have a trained voice. The soft, husky notes were in tune and passable but not notable in anyway. However, the way he knew exactly what to play to enhance what Jake played blew him away. And the words that poured from the submissive’s mouth fit Jake’s song so perfectly that he wondered how the kid had gotten inside his head.

  When Finn fell silent, Jake stood up and set his guitar on a stand. He padded over to the piano and found Finn’s face turned away, his shoulders set tensely. Before he could touch his lover, Finn’s hoarse voice broke the silence.

  “I’m sorry. It was your song. I shouldn’t have interrupted.”

  The hand Jake had stretched out toward Finn descended to his shoulder. The submissive’s skin was cool to the touch, prickled with goose bumps.

  “It was beautiful, Finn. Exactly what I was looking for. You don’t have to apologize for helping,” he said softly.

  The boy’s head lifted slightly and he cautiously peered over his shoulder at Jake. His expression held fear and an unbearable sadness that made Jake want to wrap his arms around the guy and hold him in a bone crushing hug. Finn turned away again, dipping his head so he could knuckle his eyes.

  Jake’s heart broke. The boy loved music so much. The longer he stayed with Jake, the more obvious it became. He hummed when he cleaned the studio and when he did chores in the condo upstairs. He played the piano daily now before dinner and Jake had found sheet after sheet of handwritten music in Finn’s little apartment, on the bed, desk and table. The guy needed to go back to Juilliard. Jake just didn’t know why he resisted the idea.

  Finn finally turned and their gazes met. “I thought you would be mad that I took over your song,” he whispered, his expression still agonized.

  This time, Jake went with his gut and wrapped his arms around his lover. “You are more than welcome to make music with me any time, Finn. Your talent is amazing.”

  The submissive buried his face in Jake’s chest, holding him tightly around the waist. “I’ve never heard anyone with such a beautiful voice. You should be a star, Jake.”

  Jake chuckled and ran his hands down Finn’s back, his fingers tracing th
e nubs of his spine. “That is the pot calling the kettle black.”

  Finn started to shake his head in denial but Jake took hold of his chin in one hand. “Your singing leaves something to be desired, but your playing and song writing skills are incomparable. The words you sang fit my song perfectly.” He pulled Finn to his feet and smacked his denim covered ass. “Now, go write down what we played. Words and music both. I know you can do it. You’ve a photographic memory for music. There’s staff paper in the control room.”

  He watched the submissive do as he was told, walking into the control room, then sitting down near the board. With his head bent over the paper, Finn wrote rapidly while Jake turned everything off and put away his guitar. By the time he returned to Finn’s side, several sheets of paper held notes and lyrics. Jake took them from him.

  “Good boy,” he murmured, the phrase falling automatically from his lips. He hid a wince, but Finn didn’t seem to notice his slip back into dominance.

  “Can we do this again?” Finn asked, his pale eyes hopeful.

  Jake took him by the hand and led him out of the studio. “Sure. I enjoyed it a lot.” He steered them toward the door to the stairs. “Now, I think it’s time we went back to bed and did something else we both enjoy a lot.”

  As they climbed the stairs, Finn glanced back at Jake who noted the eagerness of his lover’s expression. He laughed softly. He’d never in his life indulged in vanilla sex. Now, with Finn, he found himself thinking of it constantly. The silky wetness of Finn’s mouth. The heated clasp of his ass. The bliss of his touch. He had it bad and if he dreamed of taking Finn into his playroom and spanking his pure white buttocks until they glowed a fiery red, no one knew of it. His nightly dream forays into BDSM were a secret. Except that he had the oddest notion that Finn dreamed of the same things. Nine - Jake

  “The boy longs for a collar.”

  Ray’s words pierced Jake straight through the heart. He sipped his cola and watched Finn standing in a corner of the bar talking with Haven and Micah. The three of them were wiping sweat from their brows after spending the last hour burning up the tiny dance floor with their erotic moves. Jake had never seen anything more guaranteed to make a Dom’s dick hard than the way Finn, Haven and Micah danced. He knew Kellen and Nick had had to adjust their dicks and he’d done the same. But it wasn’t exactly the sexiness of the dancing that slayed Jake. Despite the eroticism of Finn’s dance moves, every line of the boy’s body screamed his submissiveness and that made Jake ache to touch him, to urge him to his knees…

  “Every Dominant in this club can see his natural submissiveness. They’re circling like sharks.”

  Gavin’s comment held a note of amusement and Jake shot his friend a dirty look. Gavin grinned back. The other Dominant knew that Jake seethed with anger. He and Ray fueled it with their comments about Finn and the Doms who’d been giving him the once over since their arrival ninety minutes before.

  “Now that he doesn’t look half starved, he’s quite striking,” Nick said matter-offactly. “The waiflike thing he had going probably appealed to a lot of Dominants, but looking at him now, all filled out and healthy, he’s stunning. He’s a very beautiful man.”

  Nick’s words cut Jake to the core because, of course, they were the truth. Finn as a waif thin boy had been hauntingly beautiful. But the Finn who stood with his friends, his body glowing with health and vitality, his lean musculature on display for all to see, head high but with his submission wrapped around him like the cloak of a prince…that Finn was the most gorgeous man Jake had ever seen. And he wasn’t the only one to think so.

  Jealousy ate at Jake. The more he denied himself Finn’s submission, the more angry he became at each glance bestowed on the young man and each dig his friends made at his refusal to collar the boy. His gaze raked the silky pale skin he’d spent hours licking. Finn took a sip of his cola and Jake feasted on the movement of his skin over his throat. The boy would be so beautiful in a collar…

  “I don’t understand why you’re denying yourself and him,” Kellen murmured in Jake’s ear so the others couldn’t hear. “He doesn’t want another Dominant and you’d flip the fuck out if someone else tried to collar him.”

  Jake dragged his gaze from Finn and glanced up at Kellen. “You’re wrong. He deserves better than me. He needs to go back to Juilliard and he needs to find a Dominant who will nurture his music.”

  Kellen shook his head. “I don’t think he wants to go back to Juilliard. It’s too painful for him Haven says. He needs to be somewhere safe, somewhere people will see and hear him. No one has ever given that boy the chance to have his needs met let alone voice them. He needs to be more important than the music to someone. And for all he yearns for a collar, he needs a lover not a master. A Dominant lover who understands his need to submit.” Every word Kellen spoke sent up a roar within Jake. “Yes, yes, YES!” his instincts told him. At the same time, his cynicism stirred the pot of bitterness in his gut. How could he be enough for this boy? He hadn’t been enough for two others and they weren’t as needy as Finn.

  “I can’t,” he whispered, his gaze returning to Finn. Despite his words, he could barely look away from the man he’d been steadily falling in love with over the past few weeks.

  Kellen snorted, anger darkening his eyes. “Stop thinking you’re not good enough. Stop thinking you’re not what he needs. You’re not what Damon and Mitch needed. That’s why they left. But Finn is different and his needs are different. You and he fit together in a way you never fit with Damon or Mitch. Get your head out of your ass and realize what you have before you lose it!”

  Swinging away from Jake, Kellen strode across the room and came up behind Haven, winding his arms around his submissive. Jake stared at his friend. Six months ago, Kellen wouldn’t have shown a single sign of affection toward Haven in public or otherwise. He’d kept himself emotionally unavailable to his submissive. It had taken a huge mistake on Kellen’s part and Haven’s near death for Kellen to realize how much he loved his sub. Since then, he and Haven went to couples therapy and worked on their relationship. Kellen had become a better Dominant and Haven had blossomed in his care. If anyone understood the value of realizing what you had before you lost it, it was Kellen.

  A hard nudge in the shoulder blade pushed Jake forward a step. He frowned at Gavin.

  “You’re out voted, Jake. We all feel the same as Kellen. He’s perfect for you. Don’t lose him through your own bullheadedness.” Gavin gestured toward Haven and Micah. “If you aren’t careful, Finn’s fellow subs will find him someone else and trust me, what you’re feeling now is nothing to what you’ll feel if you lose that boy to another Dominant.”

  The rough growl in Gavin’s voice reminded Jake that Gavin had lost the love of his life and hadn’t been the same since. He stared into Gavin’s pain-filled eyes and then back at Finn. Gavin nudged him again.

  “You didn’t used to be such a pussy. You didn’t used to be so scared. Take a good look at your life, Jake. You aren’t happy. You aren’t content with who you are and that means you’re gonna be a shitty Dominant. You need to get yourself under control and understand your own needs and emotions and then you need to stake a claim on Finn.”

  Gavin’s words held a note of regret in them and Jake knew the other Dominant was thinking about his own mistakes, not just Jake’s. He stared at Finn, loving the silky fall of white blond hair over the submissive’s forehead. A tentative smile curved his lips as he listened to something Micah was saying and Jake remembered the brilliance of Finn’s full smile directed at him, capturing his heart.

  He drew a deep breath as he came to a decision. Gavin was right. He needed to pull himself together and sort out his feelings about himself and Finn. He turned and his gaze met Ray’s.

  “Can you make sure Finn gets home okay? He has a key, but I drove.”

  “Where are you going?” Ray asked suspiciously, his eyes searching Jake’s.

  Swallowing down his fear, Jake looked from ea
ch of his friends to the other. “I’m going to the cabin for a couple of days. Finn knows what to do at the studio. I trust him to keep things running. I-I need to think. I need some space.” He ran a hand through his hair and realized his fingers trembled. “Gavin’s right. I’m out of control and I need to fix that.”

  “And just what am I supposed to tell Finn?” Ray demanded, his expression filled with a mixture of anger, frustration and worry.

  Jake let out a long breath. He took a step back from the bar and told his friends, “The truth.”

  He turned on his heel and slipped through the crowd, avoiding glancing toward the corner where Finn stood. He couldn’t look at the submissive. If he did, he wouldn’t go and he now realized that he needed to leave. He couldn’t make a decision about his life, about Finn’s, without thinking everything through and he couldn’t do that where the ghosts of all his failures reigned. Ten - Cristophe and Rafael

  “You’re right again, brother.” Cristophe sighed heavily. He turned toward his twin, a frown marring his smooth forehead.

  “It’s not your fault. You keep thinking like a human when you’re not one any longer.” Rafael patted his brother soothingly on the shoulder.

  Cristophe dangled his sandal clad feet over the side of the cabin’s roof. Soft snow flakes fell, mingling with the feathers his wings were losing. Over the past few weeks his wings had lost very few feathers as Finn and Jake grew closer. Now, Jake had left Finn alone so he could make a decision about their future. For the first time since the night Finn had met Jake, Cristophe and Rafael’s wings had begun to actively molt once more. That was not a good sign.

  “I thought Jake would jump at the chance to have a submissive so perfect for him,” Cristophe said, his voice just a hair away from a whine.

  Rafael made a face. “That’s thinking like a human. People never do what’s logical, brother. They overthink things and get stuff so twisted inside their own heads that they can’t see the obvious. Jake is a classic example of that.”