Deeper

by Blue Ashcroft

  “What is it? It’s okay.” I’m careful not to touch her, but I lean in so she knows I’m listening.

  “There’s a…” She hides her face in her hand as if blushing. “There’s a man.”

  My heart turns into lead and drops faster than an elevator with the cable cut. There’s a man. It says so little and it says so much. It could be saying that suddenly many people in my care are in danger. These are the times that make me struggle not to go somewhere in my mind.

  “What kind of man?”

  “He was touching us,” the other girl comes forward, puts her arms around her friend, who has started to cry. “He was touching us under our tubes. Over there.” She points to the lazy river.

  “Do you see him anywhere?”

  She looks around and then points to a middle aged man with dark hair who is looking at us with wide eyes, then backing up and making his way at a quick walk away from the river, towards the bathrooms. I don’t have much time. He isn’t running, isn’t admitting anything, but he is trying to escape. I can’t let him.

  I look for Knight. I can whistle, but he’s too far for me to yell what is going on. I can either run to him, or I can run to block this guy’s exit.

  I know in an instant what I will do, and my feet take off towards the bathrooms even as I’m regretting what this will do to my relationship with Knight. He told me not to make him watch me get hurt. I’ll do my best.

  I yell to the girls to go to Knight and point in his direction, telling them he will keep them safe. I walk quickly in front of the door to the men’s dressing rooms. He’s still coming this way.

  I know I’m stupid, I know this isn’t the safest course for me. But it’s the only way to keep my soul intact. Knight will just have to forgive me. I can’t let this guy get away with it just to come back and do it again here or somewhere else.

  He locks eyes with me, twenty feet from me and the exit. My heart pounds as his eyes darken and we both prepare for the confrontation. Calm slinks over me and everything seems ultra clear, almost in slow motion.

  Amy’s on break and she runs out of the break room and skids to a stop next to me. She looks over to the man and freezes. “Rain? What’s going on?”

  I keep my eyes on him but whisper to her from the side of my mouth. “Knight. Get the two little girls. Call the police. Get the front desk to close the gate.”

  I don’t want mass panic. I don’t need the other patrons and guards to find out what’s going on. I just want the girls safe, and I just need to hold him here until the gates are closed and the police are outside.

  He stops. He’s a skinny man, maybe only five ten, with cowardly eyes. At least I imagine they are cowardly since he touches little girls. There’s nothing intimidating about him except for the look of a trapped animal in his eyes.

  His eyes narrow and his face loses expression, and he comes towards me. It truly sinks in that I’m between a criminal and his exit strategy. I feel cold, not even afraid, just cold, because I don’t want to do this, but I’m resigned to it.

  He moves closer, takes a step to the side to see if I’ll move with him. I do. He exhales in a huff and dodges the other way. I move to block him. His eyes meet mine, and I can see he’s desperate. He doesn’t want to deal with me or hurt me, he just wants me out of the way.

  His next move is lightning fast. He grabs my arm and spins me in front of him in a lock with his arm around my neck. He drags me towards the men’s bathroom and my feet are too slippery to gain purchase on the tile. I manage to stay calm. No point freaking out now or I might miss my opening. I start to plan, so that when he takes me in the bathroom and my feet can grip the rubbery entrance mats, I’ll be ready to go.

  I’ll do my best to get out of this. To protect myself. I don’t want to hurt Knight.

  Now that I’ve protected everyone else, I can worry about me.

  My captor has to use one arm to get the bathroom door open, and I can see a couple guys from the deck running towards us. Hopefully not guards leaving their water. Someone could drown.

  I brace myself to attack the minute we are through the door, but he doesn’t even get it open before we’re both pulled violently away from it. Suddenly I’m pulled from him and thrown towards Nate, who stands there ready to catch me.

  Knight grabs my attacker by the neck and pins him to the wall. He gestures with his free hand to someone I can’t see, and Amy comes over.

  “Knight,” I gasp, still raw from being held. “The guards need to stay on post, someone could get hurt.”

  “You almost got hurt!” He shouts it at me and the guy on the wall coughs as his Knight’s grip tightens. “Why are you incapable of seeing that? Are you insane, taking him on by yourself?”

  “I did what I had to.”

  “You could have called me.”

  “He could have gotten away.”

  “Then he gets away! What is wrong with you?” Knight’s eyes are wild. I’ve never seen him so angry. I take a step back, fearful.

  “Rain, it would kill me if something happened to you! Can’t you even see that? Why don’t you even care?!” He turns to Amy and tells her to go to the front and watch for the police and let him know when they get here.

  I push away from Nate and go to the crowd of patrons starting to gather.

  “Please, stay back. Please, watch your children. We’re handling this. You can’t help us, you can only make it worse.”

  Several men glare at me, clearly eager to intervene with some kind of vigilante justice. But after a few moments I convince them to back off and cool down. Either my begging is effective or they’re confident that the six foot three tatted monster has the offender under control. I sigh in relief and hug myself with my arms to keep from shaking.

  “Are you ok?” Nate takes my arms and peers into my eyes. I look over to Knight, but he’s focused on detaining his prey.

  “Where are the girls? I need to get their parents.”

  “They’re in the front office with Amy.”

  “Oh, man.” I feel sick, and grab my stomach, trying not to crouch on the ground because it will panic the patrons more than they already are. I’m fine really. I was responsible. I stopped him. It’s not as satisfying as it should be. Maybe because Knight yelled at me, maybe because underneath my ethereal calm, I was actually afraid. Actually resenting my own actions. And that makes me feel selfish. After all, I’m running on a borrowed life. I have no rights.

  I wonder if I should go to the office, or go to Knight. I walk closer to him, slowly.

  “You get out of here, Rain,” he shouts, though I’m only five feet away. “Nate, get her out of here.”

  Nate looks at me with wide eyes, but grabs my arm to start pulling me to the office. I don’t want to go. I want to talk to Knight, I want to be reassured that I haven’t ruined everything between us. It makes me sick because I never had a right to any of this anyway, but I’ve been happy with him and I don’t want to lose that.

  “Knight, please.” I resist Nate and try to escape his hand.

  Knight turns to me, eyes cold and more angry than I’ve ever seen. A vein throbs at the side of his forehead. “Get out of here! Get out of here now!”

  It hurts. It hurts because I just did what I thought was right. I just did what my heart told me I had to. As I let Nate lead me away, I feel like I’m leaving my heart behind with Knight.

  It hits me in the gut. I’m starting to care for him, and I can’t let it go farther. It’s fine that Knight and I are probably over after this. We shouldn’t have come this far anyway.

  Nate pushes me into the office, where the two little girls are sitting with Amy and Meghan, a shy guard that doubles at the front desk because full time guarding is too stressful for her. She’s shy with pale, blonde hair, and the girls seem reassured by her.

  The girls look up at me, and the younger one in the pink suit frowns and her lips tremble. “Is it my fault that man hurt you?”

  I want to reach out and hold her, but I c
an’t, not without risking a lawsuit. My eyes meet Meghan’s and I can tell we share the same ache for them. “No honey, it’s not your fault. Nothing was your fault.”

  How I wish I could say the same for me. But I blame myself for everything. Like Knight is blaming me now. I know it’s over between us, as surely as I know that I did the right thing ensuring that man went to jail.

  Knight

  My hand burns from holding that bastard’s neck. Adrenaline is still pumping through me. She promised she wouldn’t make me watch her get hurt, then she took on a molester by herself. She didn’t even call me. So maybe there wasn’t time, but then she should have just let him go. She isn’t the police.

  I don’t want this again. I don’t want the girl I’m with to not be willing to help herself. I don’t want to watch her get hurt while I can’t do anything about it. I don’t want to be left picking up the pieces. Everything that happened to Camille, that’s what she just risked. I feel like she threw my heart in the trash.

  Then again, she’s always been clear that what we have isn’t about love. That it can’t even go there. It’s stupid, but I guess I always hoped I could change her mind.

  I’ll never forget that image. That man dragging her away, me worrying I’m too far away to get there in time, worried that everything is going to happen again. I can’t be with someone who could throw everything away like that.

  I open the door to the office, and she looks up at me. I can see on her face that she’s dreading this as much as I am. I’m not trying to hurt her, I just can’t do this again. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t care for their own life.

  I nod my head at her and she stands and comes towards me. The girls have gone home now, the cops have taken the guy away. Just one thing unresolved.

  She walks under my arm and out the door. I walk towards the back door and she follows, not saying anything. When we get outside the sunshine breaks over us. She turns to me.

  “It’s over, isn’t it?”

  I swallow, then nod.

  “I guess it was too good to be true.” She sits down on the sidewalk and I sit beside her.

  “Are you okay?” I turn her head to mine, but she pulls away.

  “I’m fine.”

  “You scared me to death.”

  “I know,” she says dully.

  “I just, I like you Rain, but I can’t go through this again.”

  “Again?”

  I shake my head. I don’t want to go into it. No point now, it’s just painful. “I just, I told you I can’t stand to see you hurt.”

  “Even when I’m just doing my job?”

  “See, that’s the problem. You don’t even see what you did wrong. You think you did the only thing you could. I can’t convince you otherwise, can I?”

  She shakes her head. “No.”

  “I just don’t get it, Rain. Why aren’t you just as important as anyone else?” I try to duck down and meet her downcast eyes.

  “It’s not that. I just don’t want anyone hurt.”

  “I don’t want you hurt. What about that?”

  “I wasn’t going to get hurt.”

  “You know that for sure? What was your plan, then? What was your plan, Rain, for taking on a guy?”

  She opens her mouth like she’s going to rebut, but then shuts it as if she knows it’s pointless, and I won’t listen anyway.

  “Are you trying to hurt me?” I ask.

  “It’s not about you Knight. It was about me. My choices and what I have to do to be able to sleep at night.” She rubs her hands on her pants nervously. “I’m sorry it hurts you, but it’s who I am. I can’t just stand by while someone else gets hurt. I’ve done that before, and I can’t do that again.”

  I want to ask her what she means, but no matter what she says, it won’t change that I can’t stand to see her hurt, and she doesn’t care if she is.

  “I had fun, Rain. I’m sorry it can’t work better,” I say. It’s weird how fast something can end. How one moment it’s just speeding along, and then it can just hit a wall and stop. Perhaps we were both being blind. From the day she jumped in to save Amy and take her place, I should have known this was coming. I exhale and take one more look at her. One more look as her man, not as her coworker. She’s gorgeous. It just sucks.

  “I had fun too.” She stands and holds out a hand to pull me up. “We better get back in there.”

  She seems so much calmer than me. I don’t take her hand, but push myself up on my own.

  I grab the door, but turn back to her one last time before going through it. “Rain, I am sorry.”

  “Me too,” she says, looking at the ground.

  Chapter Nine

  Rain

  It’s been a week since we broke it off. I miss him, but it has been easier to focus on work. Too bad tonight is the first staff party here at the park, and a perfect time to mope.

  I change into tight jeans and a low black tank and pull my hair back in my usual ponytail. I’ll go because the guards will be mad if I don’t make an appearance, but my heart isn’t in it. I just feel far away from everything, ever since Knight called it off.

  Amy comes up to me, gorgeous in a red halter, and slides her arm through mine. “Ready to make Knight sorry?”

  I smile weakly at her. “It won’t make him sorry. Besides, he didn’t do anything wrong.”

  She rummages in her bag. “You just need a little extra something.” She pulls out a tube of lipstick and rolls it up and comes towards me. I frown at it, not sure what the tube of goop can do for me.

  “Trust me, Rain, this stuff is magic.”

  I sigh and let her apply it. I feel numb. So numb.

  “Rain, you didn’t do anything wrong. Knight just has problems.” She puts a hand on my shoulder.

  “I know.” The thing is I have problems too, and I had kind of hoped we could deal with them together. “Do we have to go in there?”

  “Sure. I got my eye on a couple hotties.” Amy puts more lipstick on and smacks her lips together. “These parties are the perfect place to hook up, after all. Like we ever have time to meet anyone outside of work.”

  It’s true. But I still don’t want to go out there. Knight probably has women all over him. Either that or he’s moping. I’m not sure which is worse. I take a deep breath and pull open the door to the pool area. Most of us aren’t in swimsuits. Guards are everywhere, just hanging out around the drinks and food and talking, though some are in the pool.

  My eyes search subconsciously for Knight. It’s like I need to know where he is at all times. It doesn’t seem mutual. Lately at work he hasn’t been overprotective. He hasn’t been watching me, bugging me, bullying me about staying safe.

  It’s like he really doesn’t care anymore.

  I find him in the water, a girl on either arm, trying to dunk him or splash him as he smiles and does the same back. His smile sucks my breath away.

  “You gonna be okay, Rain?” Amy asks, taking my arm and pulling me close to her. “Bitches.”

  “No, there’s no reason they shouldn’t. Besides, Knight and I didn’t really work after all.”

  I wonder how he really can just turn it off like that, like he flipped a switch and bam, no longer interested in me. But I can’t go back and take that day back. And besides, we were just on track for heartbreak anyway.

  “Look, there’s Dan and Mike! Let’s go over there.”

  “Ew,” I say, dragging my feet and trying to pull her back. “Knight said they’re players.”

  “Hot players. Besides, there’s two of them, and two of us. It’s perfect.”

  She’s petite but persistent and I find myself dragged along, looking at Knight over my shoulder. I don’t have to worry about him seeing me staring, because he doesn’t look up at all. He’s totally absorbed in those skanks. He can’t have cared much if he moved on that fast. Not that I’m one to talk since I refused to love him at all.

  When we get to the boys, Amy suddenly becomes coy, hiding behin
d my arm slightly and grinning at them stupidly. I nudge her with my elbow, but she just giggles and waves. Oh come on.

  “Well, hello ladies,” Dan says. He winks one of his brown eyes and shakes his head to swish hair off his forehead. He just looks like an all American boy next door. Toned, taller than me, similar age. It’s just that no one holds a candle to Knight.

  “Hi Amy,” Mike says. He’s got green eyes and sandy blonde hair. He’s pale and thin, and I don’t like the way he looks at Amy. Apparently she does though, because she moves forward and takes the lawn chair next to him.

  “What’s a girl got to do to get a drink around here?”

  “What do you girls want?” Dan asks, standing and pulling Mike up with him. They both look at me, probably because I’m standing there looking stupid rather than sitting by Amy. I’m not quite committed to hanging out with them yet. I still remember what happened at the party at Chad’s house, and I’m not going to go putting myself in a similar situation. Even if Knight isn’t around to care about it anymore.

  That thought makes me a little sad, and I slump on the lawn chair in defeat as Amy tells them what to go get for us. I can feel someone watching us, and I look up to see Knight gazing over from the lap pool. He’s no longer smiling at the girls around him, just watching me with a pensive expression. Maybe he’s not so over it after all. His eyes go to the guys walking away from us, and then back to me.

  I shrug at him, and he shrugs back and gives me a thumbs up. Really? A thumbs up? Seriously? He turns back to the girls, picks one of them up over his shoulder, like he did me one time. It hurts. Dan just became more attractive after all.

  The guys come back to us and place some sort of liquid in cups in our hands. Amy grins over at me, mouthing that she’ll take Mike, and I shrug back. It doesn’t matter to me. I’m not putting out tonight.

  If I could have put out, I would have put out for Knight. Interesting that he could put up with no sex but not with me putting myself in danger. I’m better off with him not being controlling anyway. I set my cup aside. I’m not feeling like drinking.