Deeper

by Blue Ashcroft

  “You okay Rain?” Dan asks.

  “Yeah,” I say, trying not to watch Knight. Dan just doesn’t hold the same interest. Even though his eyes are a pleasant warm brown, and he has a nice nose and face.

  “I’ll be your rebound if you want,” he says, jerking his head behind him towards Knight. He sits down on my lawn chair, crowding me.

  Amy gasps in offense but gets distracted when Mike settles in on the chair next to her. She snuggles towards him. I push away from Dan.

  “Rebound from what?”

  Dan blinks. “From Knight. You were dating him, right?”

  “Oh. Yeah, I guess.”

  “But you’re not now, right?” He runs a finger up my arm, and it gives me the heebie jeebies. “You’re free game now, right?”

  I meet his eyes, not sure what he means. “I don’t know about free game. I mean, it’s not like anyone was interested.”

  “Are you kidding? Tons of us were into you. You’re the new hot thing, right Mike?”

  Mike looks up from teasing Amy long enough to nod and wink at me.

  “None of us really had a shot at it though, not with Knight around. I mean, he shows interest, we’re gonna back off. Dude lost his girlfriend.”

  “Yeah. Do you know what happened?”

  He shakes his head. “Not more than anyone else. Besides, do we have to talk about that? Depressing as hell.” He moves in closer. “I’d rather talk about us.”

  “Us?” I ask, avoiding his face as he gets closer.

  “Go Rain!” Amy pipes up from her chair. Mike is getting awfully close too.

  I push Dan back. “I don’t think we should. I think you’ve got the wrong idea.”

  This is where Knight would have come charging over, before. This is where he’d get annoyingly overprotective and I’m realizing I’m not as annoyed by it as I thought I was. Dan catches me looking Knight’s direction and frowns.

  “You still got something with Knight?” Before I can answer, he turns to yell in Knight’s direction. “Yo, Knight, it okay if I make a play with Rain?”

  Dan’s blocking my view so I can’t see Knight’s face, but I feel like my heart just fell out of my chest and landed on the tile, and Knight can now squash with a single word.

  I look around Dan to see what Knight says, and Knight’s eyes meet mine. They’re hard, and cold.

  “Go ahead,” he says, with a wave of his hand. He turns back to his dates.

  Cold washes over me. It’s one thing to know it’s over, it’s another to be handed off like an object. It’s another thing to feel like he’s given up on me forever.

  Amy giggles next to me, a little too brightly, and I look at her drink, then Mike, suspiciously. Did they put something in it?

  “What’s Amy drinking?” I ask Mike, grabbing her cup and sniffing it.

  “Just a Mai Tai.”

  “Alcoholic?” I ask.

  “Yeah,” Mike flushes. “We always spike the drinks.”

  I reach for Amy, but she flops away from me towards Mike. “Amy, let’s go get you something to eat. The booze is hitting you too hard.”

  “Nope.” She pushes me off. “I’mma just stay here. You can go get me something though.”

  “Fine.”

  “Want me to come with?” Dan asks. He really does seem concerned, even if his question to Knight was insensitive.

  “No thanks,” I say, standing and motioning for him to stay. “I’ll be right back.”

  I leave them and walk past the lap pool without looking in. I won’t look at Knight. I don’t care what he does now. It’s not my business.

  Knight

  She bugs the crap out of me. I don’t know what I was expecting. I overreacted, I know that. But still, I thought she’d apologize. I thought she’d come to me, ask me to take her back, tell me she’d try to be safer from now on. Instead she just acts nonchalant. Like it doesn’t matter that we’re over.

  No matter how cold I am, it doesn’t seem to bother her.

  And the guys are already all over her. Skeezy Dan, and she doesn’t even seem to mind. When he asked me if he could make a play for her, I could have punched him. But then I saw her, peeking around him, looking at me almost as if she’s challenging me. If she can be nonchalant about it then I can too. I even gave her an extra thumbs up to show her how cool I am about it. That was so stupid. I wince just thinking of it.

  Monica pulls on my arm, and I look down to see her pressing her breasts against my side and smiling up at me. “What’s wrong Knight?”

  Kelly pulls on the other side. “Yeah, what’s up?”

  They’re both beautiful women, but I feel about them like I’ve always felt about women who weren’t Camille or Rain. I respect them, but I don’t desire them. I let them pull me back into the water. They splash each other and me and I have to make an effort not to sigh in annoyance. It’s all so tired.

  I hear footsteps and look up to see Rain approaching the pool. I open my mouth, trying to think of something to say, then shut it as she strides by without looking down. Is she pissed?

  I’m distracted my Monica jumping up and trying to put her mouth on mine. I pull back sharply, falling back in the water. She thinks I’m being playful and comes forward, trying to pin me to the back wall.

  “Monica, wait,” I say.

  “Yeah, leave some for me,” Kelly says, coming up beside her. She goes for my neck, and though her lips are soft, it leaves me cold. I stiffen.

  “Oh come on Knight, let us do this for you. It’s probably been forever. Rain’s super stiff, right?”

  “Yeah, I heard she doesn’t put out for anyone.” Monica runs her hand over my chest, and I pull it away only to have her other one take its place. If I were a girl this would be sexual harassment, but since I’m a guy, it’s not.

  “Yeah, I heard Dan’s gonna go for it tonight.”

  “Did you hear him ask Knight if it was okay? Like Knight cares what he does to the stuck up bitch.”

  I take Monica’s hands and push her away from me. “Don’t call her that.”

  “Don’t defend her after she dumped you. Who could hurt a sweetie like you, anyway?”

  I feel like I’m being patronized, and it’s hard to keep Monica back. Kelly comes behind me and reaches around me down my chest. Ugh.

  “Come on Knight, just let go and have fun. Do we need to get you drunk?”

  I try to push her off my back, while trying to be gentle. These girls have so many damn hands. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen them this aggressive.

  “Come on girls, get off. Why now?”

  “Oh come on, Knight,” Monica purrs, putting a hand on my leg. “No one knew you were still into it, until you went after the cold bitch. If you liked her you must have been really desperate.”

  I can’t pull them both off at once, and concentrate on defending Rain. I continue trying to gently detach them when Monica suddenly freezes. I look at her, and see that she’s looking up above us to the side of the pool. I follow her eyes and see Rain. She’s carrying a bag of some kind of food, and glaring down at us.

  Kelly giggles and wraps her arms around my neck. “Want to join us, Rain?”

  I flush, embarrassed to be caught like this. It makes me look like an asshole. One week after breaking up, and two women climbing all over me. I wish I could explain to her that it’s just my natural sexiness, but that would probably get me slapped. Besides, I don’t have anything to explain to her. We’re over.

  So why does it bug me when she turns and gives me a sarcastic smile and a thumbs-up?

  I deserve it after doing the same to her, but it still stings to have the person you care about cheer you on for being with someone else. Isn’t she possessive at all?

  “Rain…” I trail off as she shakes her head at me and walks away.

  “Come on, Knight. Forget her. Did you see that goofy thumbs up?” she says to Monica.

  “Such a nerd,” Monica says. “So glad I’m not a lifeguard and don’t have to
answer to her. Front desk rocks.”

  “Yeah, all the lifeguards look nasty all the time anyway. No makeup, lumpy outfits.”

  “Hey now, that’s my staff,” I say, pulling my face away from Monica’s.

  “You’re not lumpy though Knight. You look good in everything.”

  It doesn’t turn me on. It doesn’t turn me on half as much as Rain did when she simply looked at me with eyes that said she wanted me. Like she was lucky to be with me and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

  I remember our mini golf date. How tender and fun and subtle it was, compared to my situation now. I wish I could go back to that. Can I really deal with Rain, even if she acts stupid and puts herself in danger like that? I’m starting to think it would be worth it.

  Sure, maybe I’d end up hurt. But it wouldn’t be as bad as feeling empty, like I do now. I should never have dumped her. If it hadn’t happened right after a Camille trigger, I wouldn’t have. I would have had more space to process things, to see that Rain was just doing her job. She couldn’t have known how bad it affected me.

  “Skanks!” a voice calls down. Amy is glaring down at us, a drink gripped in her hand. She sways awkwardly, and would probably fall if Mike’s hand weren’t around her waist.

  “You’ve had too much, Amy,” Rain says, reaching for her cup. But Amy won’t give it up.

  “You’re such skanks,” she slurs at the girls with me. I blanch.

  “Whatever whore,” Monica snaps back, planting herself on my lap.

  Rain looks at me, and I swear for a moment I can see anger in her eyes. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking. She looks like she’s going to step forward for a moment, but Dan’s hand is tight around her waist and keeps her close to him.

  For a moment, it looks like she’s going to pull his hand off and jump in here. But instead, she puts her hand over his hand and squeezes it. She turns to Amy and Mike. “Come on, guys, let’s give them some space.”

  “Thanks, bitch,” Kelly says, sticking her tongue out behind Rain’s back once she’s turned.

  “Ugh, how could you stand her, Knight? Especially her choice of friends.”

  I sigh. Because she’s strong. Because she’s loyal. Because she’s good to me. And I dumped her over my own personal crap.

  Regret turns to anger as I see Dan’s hand move over her butt. She doesn’t even pull it off, just continues to talk to Amy, as they walk away towards the back rooms. I can’t have meant much if she’s just going to go off with him like that.

  I sink back in the pool. I want to go over there. I want to go tear him off, say that she’s mine, and kiss her until she screams out my name. But I have no right. I let Monica and Kelly grope me for a bit, kissing my neck and my shoulders. Things could be worse. At least they’ll keep me from making a fool of myself and sticking my nose in where I’m not wanted.

  After a couple of minutes they seem to sense I’m not into it.

  “What the hell, Knight?”

  “You aren’t still thinking about her, are you?”

  I look away from them, not owing them any answers.

  “Screw this. You can either have both of us, or you can go after her. But she doesn’t even want you Knight. Think about that.”

  Kelly folds her arms over her full breasts. Breasts I’m not at all interested in. Monica puts her arm around Kelly.

  “Yeah, what’s it going to be, Knight? Two sure things, or chasing some tramp who went off with another guy?”

  They’re right. Rain probably doesn’t even want me over there. She’s probably fine, so I have no reason to beat the crap out of Dan. We’re not together, so why do I want so badly to get out of the water and go make sure she’s fine?

  “Good choice, handsome,” Kelly says, taking my arm and running her fingers over my bicep. “You’ll have more fun with us anyway.”

  I guess she’s probably right.

  Rain

  “Get off me,” I say, pulling Dan’s hand off as I try to shake Amy. She’s barely lucid now, but she still giggles at whatever Mike says.

  “Come on, leave them alone, come over here.” He grabs my waist again and tries to pull me to him. I sigh and push him back again, and anger flares for a moment in his eyes, before he calms and sits back. “Suit yourself.”

  “Rain, want to get me another drink?” Amy says.

  No, but I want to go get help so I can get her out of here. “Sure, anyone else want something?”

  Mike shakes his head and starts play wrestling with Amy. Dan shrugs, he’s now more interested in watching them than he is in me. I leave and head back out to the deck. Instead of going to the drink table, I look for someone who can help me get Amy out. I’m fairly certain someone put something in her drink. I can’t prove it was Dan or Mike, but she shouldn’t be that loopy. My eyes seek out Knight first. It’s natural, because he’s always been there for me.

  A girlish giggle from the lap pool tells me he’s probably still there. Sure enough, the girls are still hanging on him, though they seem to be talking something over. Maybe where they should go to have their threesome? It makes my blood burn, just thinking about it. But I guess since I can’t give it to him, someone else is free to.

  But I don’t have time to think about this. I need to get back to Amy. There’s only one other person I can ask. I walk to the chem room and knock. Nate comes to the door. Of course he’s hiding in here instead of being out at the party.

  He pokes his head out, and I can hear a girl ask him if something’s wrong. So he’s got his own little somethin’ somethin’ going on I guess. Makes sense. Every other guy here does.

  “S’up, Rainy day?”

  “Nate, sorry to bug you,” I say hesitantly, not wanting to ruin his date.

  “No prob. Whatcha need?”

  “Just some help with my friend. She’s had too much to drink. I need someone to help get her out.”

  His eyes narrow. “Gotcha. Have you told Knight?”

  “No. We’re uh, broken up.”

  “I still think you should tell him. He’d be better at getting up in the guard’s business than me.”

  “Yeah. I just, I don’t want to.” Because he might not come. He might think I’m just using him, since we aren’t together anymore and I don’t really have any right to have him get me out of jams. Especially when he’s…busy.

  “Okay, can you give me a minute?” he looks behind him.

  “Sure, it’s okay if you can’t, I don’t want to ruin your date.”

  I hear a giggle behind him and I can tell his date thinks the term date is as ridiculous a name for what they’re doing as I do.

  Nate flushes, his pale skin going pink and hiding his freckles. “‘Kay Rain, be there in a sec.”

  I walk away from the chem room, feeling dejected. It used to be so easy to get someone to help. Half the time I didn’t want Knight’s help, but now I’m realizing how much it really meant.

  I wish I could go tell him that I will be more careful. I’ve realized that there’s a line between protecting others and being reckless. I’m at least willing to think about it. But it’s too late.

  I go back to the back room where Amy is with the guys. It’s a room we usually store the CPR dummies and such in. I’ll just have to get her out myself, unless Nate comes soon. I’m probably overreacting anyway.

  When I open the door, my jaw drops. I snap it closed and take it all in. Amy’s on the floor, and Mike’s straddling her. He seems to be messing with her belt or pants, and Dan’s standing right over him, staring down, a blank, lustful look in his eyes. Amy is out of it, and she struggles weakly against Mike’s hands.

  I come closer, not letting them see, and mouth her a question, asking if she wants me to get them off.

  She shakes her head yes, and a tear squeezes out of her eye down one cheek. That’s enough.

  I’m not a warrior, but I know some grappling from two years of martial arts I took during high school. Mike’s in a good position for me to get, but Dan could be a
problem if he intervenes. First things first, I have to get Mike off of Amy.

  I come up behind him quietly, put my arm around the front of his neck and brace him in a sleeper hold, slowly tightening the pressure against the front of his throat in a way that should slowly choke him out but not cause any other damage.

  He flails against me, slaps my arm with his. I stand up, pulling him with me, so he’s forced to get off of Amy. He stumbles off, trying desperately to turn and face me, but I can’t risk it. Amy slowly rolls up and scoots back to the wall, not knowing what to do.

  This is me all right. One moment regretting not being safer for Knight, the next ending up in a fight because I can’t not intervene.

  Mike is weakening, but Dan grabs my arms from behind, pulling me off and locking them behind me.

  “Get off of me!” I try to pull away. “What are you doing?”

  “Oh come on, what does it look like? Just let Mike have his fun with Amy. She’s been asking for it all night.”

  I growl. “Bastards.” I bring my foot up quickly, between his legs as he stands behind me, and he buckles forward and drops my arms. I run for the door, that is slightly open, but Mike grabs my legs and takes me to the ground.

  It’s just ridiculous, how much harder things have been without Knight. I didn’t realize how much I needed him until now. Now, pinned to the ground with Mike climbing on top and Amy unconscious against the wall, apparently asleep. I buck my hips to try to throw Mike off, but Dan limps around and grabs my arms, holding them above my head while Mike reaches for the bottom of my shirt.

  I scream for help, but get cut off half way with Mike’s hand over my mouth. “Shut up bitch.”

  I wish I were stronger. Strong enough to hold William’s tube up, strong enough to fight everyone off, so that I can protect everyone and still protect myself. Strong enough not to need anyone.

  But right now I need Knight, and there’s no way he’s going to come. He doesn’t care anymore, because I took his feelings and his protectiveness and threw them in his face for my own stupid pride.

  I was so sure I was right. So sure that I should always save others, at cost to myself. Now I realize it might not be right, but I don’t know how else to make sense of things. Why else did I live when William died? It doesn’t make any sense.