If I Could Be With You

by Hardesty, Mary Mamie

  “You’ll love these margaritas. They were the first drink I fell in love with in the city. We’ve been coming here for years. I love being able to share it with you.”

  “Do you bring Nadia here?” It was out before she could stop it. She’d expected discomfort, but received blasé at best.

  “No, Nadia doesn’t drink. She’s Muslim, you know.”

  No, she didn’t think she had. Had she ever had a reason to wonder? It wasn’t like she’d been pining after him for years. His life between leaving Ohio and up until last week had been a mystery to her. She vaguely remembered wedding photos at a Christmas party, but they were at a park, nothing overtly religious.

  He deftly stayed relevant, but moved the subject away from Nadia. “Have you ever dated outside of your faith or race?”

  It was an interesting question. One he seemed intellectually curious about, like he wanted to discuss the idea philosophically, rather than personally. She’d begun to notice that habit in his conversation. He would ask a highly personal question, yet proceed to discuss it from his viewpoint as if it were a case to be studied.

  “I have.” She didn’t want to be studied.

  “Tell me about it,” he reached across the table, again taking her hand.

  “I’d rather talk about you, and whether you’ve always been so physically affectionate. Is it with everyone, or just me?”

  He smiled as if he’d been caught at something, but kept his hand on hers.

  “A little of both, I think.” He paused and looked into her eyes, “What did you want my answer to be?”

  “I don’t honestly know.” Emboldened by his gaze she continued, “If you said you were like this with everyone, it would take away the thrill of not knowing your intentions. If you said it was just for me, the clarity of your intentions would scare me.”

  He raised her hand to his lips, not kissing it, just holding it there, as if lost in thought. The waiter sat two icy orange concoctions in front of them and he released her to partake of the drink. They sipped quietly, neither knowing what the other might be thinking. Just as she was becoming uncomfortable, a feminine voice rang out from across the street.

  “Charles!”

  A short curvy woman in her mid-twenties crossed through traffic next to a hippie looking man who had to be at least forty.

  “Melanie! Eric! Come on over. We’ve saved you seats.”

  The couple made their way through the crowded patio and sat down with Eric next to Hannah, and Melanie next to this man she called Charles instead of Charlie. The flash of jealousy felt ridiculous. Melanie and Eric were obviously a couple, despite the large age difference. Why should she care who sat next to whom?

  “I’d love for you both to meet the object of my teenage fantasies, Ms. Hannah Miller. Hannah, this is Eric Low and Melanie Highstreet.”

  Melanie held out her hand and gave Hannah’s a quick squeeze.

  “I heard all about you in college, Hannah. I feel like we’ve already met.”

  Hannah looked quickly to Charlie to see if this was a secret just spilled, but he didn’t seem embarrassed or uncomfortable. He simply smiled.

  “I can’t imagine that Charles would have had much to say back then.” She used his grown up name.

  He winked at her and casually moved the conversation along.

  “How was your trip to Vermont?” He directed the question to Eric, but Melanie answered while Hannah sat back and sipped continuously on her margarita. The vigilant waiter brought her another, and another, as she listened to the threesome’s shared journeys.

  “I think when I retire I’d like to live in Vermont, definitely someplace rural and away from the city,” Charlie said.

  “But it’s so amazing here, why would you ever want to leave?” Hannah finally had the courage to jump into the conversation.

  “I love the energy here, but at some point in my life, I’d like to slow down, find that peace that you can only get when you are surrounded by nature, you know?”

  He was looking at her with a dreamy gaze that made his youthfulness all the more apparent. What was she doing with this kid? He was talking about a retirement that was at least eight years further off than her own.

  Melanie interrupted her thoughts, “So Hannah, you’re a teacher? That must mean you get lots of travel time. How is it that you’ve never been to New York before?”

  “Teaching isn’t as profitable as you might imagine,” she laughed. The margaritas were definitely easing the tension of making small talk with strangers. “I’ve been paying off student loans for years so I haven’t managed too much traveling yet. But it’s on my list.” She smiled at Charlie as she felt his foot nudge hers below the table. Accidental? She was definitely buzzed and wasn’t sure she cared.

  “I hear you with the student loans! If I hadn’t found my sugar daddy here,” she reached over and rubbed Eric’s bald head, “I’d be in a shelter for sure. Social work isn’t as profitable as you would imagine either.” She laughed and leaned back in her chair.

  “That’s what I’m here for darling,” Eric dead-panned. “To fulfill your every monetary need and desire. Among other needs and desires…” His eyes took on a wicked gleam and she heard Melanie sigh.

  Had she been sober, she might have started to feel a bit uncomfortable, but as it was, the feeling of Charlie’s knee pressed against hers under the table was unbearably arousing. She knew she should stop the flow of margaritas but she was on vacation and she so rarely had any fun anymore. Surely she could trust him to stop her from crossing any lines.

  Before she knew what was happening, Melanie stood and reached for Eric’s hand.

  “It’s been a fabulous night and it was so good to finally meet the infamous Hannah,” she said as she held out her hand. “I’m sure I’ll see you again before you leave.”

  Hannah shook it and did the same with Eric and the two turned and disappeared through the crowd.

  “Lovely to meet you Hannah,” Eric called as he let himself be pulled off.

  Charlie looked at Hannah, “Well, that was subtle.”

  “What do you mean?”

  She had been so lost in her own inner conflict about being half drunk that she hadn’t picked up on anything else around her.

  “They obviously wanted some alone time?” He winked.

  “Oh…oh!” She giggled in a way she only did after one too many drinks. When she heard herself she knew there was no going back. She was drunk.

  “I take it you’re enjoying the passion fruit?” he asked as his hand brushed her knee, definitely on purpose.

  “I am,” she reached across the table and took his other hand, brave from the drinks and the fact that they were alone again. “I’m also enjoying the fact that Melanie seems to have heard about me before. Why did you talk about me in college so much?”

  He let go of her hand to pay the bill, then immediately reclaimed it.

  “I’ve already confessed my school boy crush, Hannah.” He smiled a devastatingly handsome smile. “I’ve compared every woman in my life with the image of you.”

  She sat in stunned silence. That was as close to as an actual confession of desire as he’d ever come with her. She knew in that instance that married or not, he was hers for the taking if she wanted him. But did she really want him?

  She let her eyes roam his hard jaw and the muscles of his neck that flowed into his broad shoulders. His honey skin caught the glow of the candle on the table as his dark wavy hair blended in with the night sky. His lips were slightly parted and he stared at her with such intensity that she suddenly realized she’d stopped breathing.

  “I’m a confident man, Hannah, but I’m not used to being left hanging after a confession of that magnitude.”

  She shook her head to clear it.

  “Restroom?” she asked as she stood, holding onto the table for balance.

  “Through the double doors on the left.”

  He looked disappointed. She shouldn’t have had that last drink.
Her head wasn’t clear and her hormones were going crazy. She didn’t want to do anything she would regret tomorrow.

  Inside the restroom she splashed cold water on her face and readjusted her make-up. She would return to the table and act as if nothing had happened. She’d suggest they head home since they had a long sightseeing day planned in the morning. If she gave into temptation now the trip would be ruined. Her guilt over sleeping with him would never let her stay the remainder.

  He was waiting for her when she came out.

  “Are you alright?” He took her hand and led her into the streets of Greenwich Village. “I should have warned you about those margaritas. They sneak up on you.”

  “Kind of like you?” she said without thinking.

  He stopped and looked at her, head cocked questioningly to the side.

  “I guess so. How did I sneak up on you Hannah?” He pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear, leaving his finger to linger at her jaw. The way he looked at her made her body ache with need. She wanted him to kiss her.

  “When I made my plans to come here I never thought I would be this attracted to you.” She was shocked at her own alcohol-induced honesty. She searched his eyes for a response. They darkened with desire.

  “I’ve waited my whole life to hear you tell me you want me, Hannah. I just wish you didn’t have to be drunk to say it.”

  “I am drunk. I am, but I want you and I’ve wanted you since the night of the party. When you’re close to me, my body goes haywire. I’m on fire and I can barely catch my breath.”

  His thumb caressed her bottom lip and she tilted her head.

  “Will you still want me when you’re sober?” he asked.

  Why, oh why wouldn’t he just kiss her?

  “I will still want you forever,” she whispered. “But when I’m sober, I’ll be painfully aware of how very married you are.”

  He laughed at that. She found it odd that he could place so little value on his marriage. Could she actually be attracted to a man that could cheat on his wife? She felt his hand fall from her face and he put his arm around her to guide her towards the subway.

  “Come with me, Hannah. We’ll put you to bed – alone – and then we’ll have a chat in the morning. If your head doesn’t hurt too much.”

  She didn’t know what had happened. One minute she was teetering on the edge of desire and the next she was embarrassed and being walked home by a much younger man who was acting like a big brother! Damn alcohol. She just shouldn’t drink.

  CHAPTER four

  Hannah awoke to a mouth that felt as dry as a desert.

  “Water…” she managed to rasp as she opened one eye to survey the room around her. Light blue walls reflected the morning sunlight and she squinted in pain. On the nightstand next to her sat a full glass of water and a bottle of ibuprofen. A handwritten note with a smiley face read, “Take me.”

  She sat up to reach for the bottle and was startled to feel the cold air against bare skin. She ran her hand down her body. She was totally naked. She had no memory of taking off her clothes or getting into bed. Had Charlie helped her? Did anything happen between them? Surely she would have remembered kissing him. Kissing...that triggered something.

  No, there had been no kissing. She’d embarrassed herself. He was going to kiss her and then she’d brought up his wife. In the long run it was probably for the best. While a drunken night of hot sex with a much younger, amazingly gorgeous man would have been a dream come true, her integrity was probably more important.

  The door opened and she pulled the covers quickly to her breasts.

  “Good morning, Hannah!” Charlie was carrying a tray with fruit, bagels and steaming hot coffee.

  Her stomach lurched at the food but her pounding head told her the coffee was a no brainer.

  “Did you sleep OK?”

  “Ummm, I honestly don’t know. Do you happen to have any idea how I ended up naked?” She eyed her neatly folded clothes on the chair in the corner.

  “I do.” He winked at her.

  “What happened?” She covered her eyes with her hand, peering out from between two fingers.

  “Don’t worry. Your honor’s intact. You didn’t sleep with a married man or anything,” he teased. “You were so drunk when I brought you in here that you started taking things off and throwing them on the floor before I could even look for your night clothes. I picked everything up and put it on the chair, made sure you were covered up and let you be.”

  “Ah. Oh my God. I’m Sorry, Charlie.” She shifted her position under the covers. “I’m so embarrassed.”

  “So we’re back to Charlie,” he said.

  She looked around the decidedly girly room, trying whatever she could to avoid his gaze.

  “Don’t be sorry. It was quite a show. I thoroughly enjoyed watching your unintentional striptease.”

  As if she wasn’t uncomfortable enough with the headache and raging thirst, he had to continue last night’s flirtations? She needed to put a stop to this sooner rather than later but before she could say what was on her mind, he’d set the tray down and quietly closed the door behind him.

  Hannah took the ibuprofen and a long hot shower before lying down another few minutes. When she got up she finally started feeling like herself again. Unfortunately she was also starting to feel supremely awkward. She entered the living area with the intent of hashing it all out.

  They were grown-ups. There needed to be ground rules. There were some lines she wasn’t going to cross. She was surprised to see him sitting in the middle of the floor surrounded by photos. He patted the ground next to him.

  “Come here, we need to talk.”

  “We do.”

  She sank to the floor beside him. He’d obviously showered after she did because small beads of water clung to the back of his dark brown curls that he pushed behind his ear. Here we go again she thought as her body began to respond to the proximity of his. She felt warmth bridging the space between her legs and her breathing hitched.

  He reached out and laid a casual hand on her thigh, absent-mindedly rubbing his thumb lightly back and forth against the hem of the cotton shorts she’d picked for the day.

  “Here.” He showed her a picture of Nadia and himself from what looked like their college years. “I want to explain something to you and I need you to have and open mind,” he said. “I know that from the night of the party you’ve been aware of the fact that I want you.”

  Her body betrayed her and reacted to his words despite the picture of his wife in her hand. She was a terrible person. She let the picture fall to the ground and noticed all the others. Nadia and Charles playing soccer, hanging out with friends, in caps and gowns at their graduation, it was obvious how much their lives intertwined.

  “I don’t think we should be talking about this.”

  He laughed.

  “Stop it, Hannah! Let me get this out. We have to get it all out in the open to move forward.”

  So he wanted to put it all behind them as well. Her heart fell a bit, but she knew it was for the best.

  “Hannah, you don’t understand who Nadia is to me.”

  “She’s your wife. What’s not to understand?” She started to shift away and his hand grabbed her thigh, harder this time.

  “She’s my best friend. She’s been my best friend since I came to New York. I would do anything for her. Anything…”

  “I get it. You love her and you’re married and we need to ignore whatever is happening between us because it can only lead to more hurt for everyone involved.”

  “For an older woman you aren’t very wise.”

  He smiled and took her hand.

  “What?” She tried to pull away, but he refused to let go.

  “She’s my best friend. FRIEND. That’s all she is and all she’s ever been to me.”

  Hannah let the words slowly sink in. She became even more aware of how close they were sitting. A wave of anticipation rolled through her stomach.

&
nbsp; “What?” she asked again.

  “Nadia is my wife in name only. I married her because I love her – as a friend – and I couldn’t let her be forced to leave the country.”

  Suddenly everything clicked into place. Nadia’s absence at family events over the years, the girly room she was sleeping in, the fact that he was alone while she was in Morocco. His marriage wasn’t romantic. It was to help his friend.

  “I need some air.”

  Hannah stood and walked to the window. She leaned out taking slow deep breaths. Charles walked up behind her and placed his hands on her hips as he tugged her towards him. His strong hands turned her, pulling her forward before his mouth crashed down on hers.

  She couldn’t catch her breath. Her lips parted and his tongue pushed its way inside while his hand buried itself in her wet hair. He pressed her back against the wall and moved his mouth to her neck where he bathed and sucked her sensitive skin. Tiny flames of desire licked at her and sent chills through her body wherever the trailed his lips. She let out a groan of need so loud that it would have embarrassed her if her rational mind could have engaged, but all she could do was feel and say his name, “Charlie…”

  At the sound, he let out his own moan and guided her down to the couch. He lowered his body to hers and she felt the full length of him pressed against her. His hard cock strained against his jeans and she could feel how large and ready he was for her. She let her hand push up against his chiseled chest and dragged his T-shirt over his head. Their eyes met and she could see the hunger that burned there. This man wanted her and that thought only made her wetter with desire.

  He moved his hand to the band of her shorts undoing the button and zipper, letting his hand slide in between the cotton undies and her hot skin. She heard him whisper, “Oh my God,” as his finger slid into her slippery desire. “You’re so wet. Tell me you want me, Hannah. Tell me how much you want me inside of you.”