If I Could Be With You

by Hardesty, Mary Mamie

  “I’ll be done with school around the 15th, I guess I can get a flight the day after,” she said.

  “I’ve got some extra miles from work that you could use, Hannah.” Joe offered.

  Charlie started to answer but Hannah spoke before he could say what she knew was about to come out of his mouth. “That would be awesome, Joe. Thank you.”

  He looked from her to Lilly and Joe, and back again, “Yes, thank you, Joe. That would be really cool.”

  She stood and put her hands on Charlie’s shoulders. “I think it’s time we headed out don’t you? I know you’re off for the next week, but I have school in the morning.”

  They exchanged a round of hugs before the two of them walked to her car in the cool night air. On the way home she figured it was as good a time as any to bring up what was bothering her. “You know when Joe offered me those airline miles?”

  “Yeah, I was about to tell him I already had you a ticket, but you jumped in so quick it didn’t seem right so I just said thanks.”

  “I’m glad you did. I appreciate you picking up on my cue, but what’s bugging me about it is that you’ve already spent hundreds of dollars on a flight for me that you never asked me if I wanted to take. Add to that the job interviews, and assuming I’m spending Christmas with you… I don’t know, it seems like a lot of liberties.”

  When he gave her a blank stare she said, “Maybe that’s not the right word.”

  He stayed quiet for a moment. She could tell he was giving his words careful thought, but she kept going because she wasn’t quite done with what she had to say.

  “I love you, Charles, and I do want to build a life with you. That’s not in question here.”

  He grabbed her hand as he drove. “Then what is it, Han?

  “It’s just…I don’t know. I spent all that time in a relationship with Jess where I had no control over where we were headed. He held all the cards. It was like I couldn’t start my future until he said we were ready and he was never going to be ready.”

  “But I am. So what’s the problem? Why is this hard for you?”

  She sighed in frustration.

  “Yes, you’re ready, so ready that you seem to have left me out of the planning. It’s different from Jess, but it feels the same. You have all of the control here, and even though I’m happy about where we’re headed, I want some input, OK?”

  “Of course.” He looked horrified. “I had no idea that’s what it felt like I was doing to you. I’m sorry. I always want you to have a say in every part of our lives.”

  “But when you talk about our lives Charles, you mostly talk about the life you’ve envisioned for us. You’ve had years to know you wanted this with me, but I’ve only just found you.” She looked out the window. She couldn’t believe she was going to say this to him but she needed to, so she let it rip.

  “If we’re going to be together you have to let go of your dreams for us, so we can build our dreams together or we don’t have a future.” She looked over, astonished to see him wipe the corner of his eye with the back of his hand. “That was harsh. I’m so sorry, Charlie. I didn’t mean it to sound so insensitive. I’m being a bitch.”

  “No, you’re not. You’re telling the truth. I was so caught up in the excitement of loving you that I haven’t given you a chance to love me back. It’s really real, isn’t it?”

  “What?”

  “This, all of this.” He waved his hand in the air. “I’ve worried about this moment, about convincing you that we should be together for the past five months, and in every moment since I’ve come home, I’ve failed to really hear what you want, past knowing you want me.

  She listened to what he was saying. It was understandable. When she left him, he had to start planning, too. She’d started planning for a life without him, but he started planning for how to change his whole life to bring her back.

  “Hey,” she rubbed his arm and leaned a little closer. “It’s OK. This is real, you’re right, and it’s not going to go away because one of us gets mad or needs to vent. I was being whiny. Not to say that you haven’t tried to plan out our entire lives for us. That has to stop, but I didn’t mean to threaten what we have together, I promise.”

  He gave a small smile and was quiet the rest of the way to her house.

  “Is it OK if I just drop you off? I haven’t been by to see my parents yet, and I know they’ll want to know what happened after you found out about the divorce. You’ve kept me kind of busy since I got into town.” He threw her a wink.

  “I knew they knew about us.” She slapped her thigh. “It was just too strange when your mother asked me if I’d met any nice young men lately!”

  He laughed.

  “So, they don’t have a problem with any of this?”

  “Of course they don’t. They already considered you family. Hey, you said you have to work tomorrow. Are you cool with me staying the night over there?”

  The question caught her off guard. Was he more upset than she realized?

  “You’ll be back tomorrow night, right?” she asked with hesitation.

  “Most definitely.” He turned in his seat to kiss her. It was sweet kiss, a soft kiss. “We’re OK?” she asked again.

  He nodded and she shut the passenger door behind her and watched him drive off.

  ****

  The week and a half that followed Thanksgiving flew by in a haze of rowdy kids ready for Christmas vacation and hours upon hours of fabulous sex. She had to admit that when she put him on the plane back to NYC, her body heaved a sigh of relief. She needed rest and some time to be alone with her thoughts. Charles had been really good about watching his habit of deciding things for the two of them and had made a true effort to seek out her opinion on all kinds of choices regarding their future, the biggest of which was where they would make their home.

  When he’d finally broached Nadia about the divorce he hadn’t felt right taking her apartment from her, too, so for the time being he was subletting a small one bedroom in Brooklyn. He hoped they could shop around together for a place to call theirs in the week before Christmas. Hannah had been so excited about the possibility she’d immediately gone to Craigslist and started researching places in Manhattan. After she picked her mouth up off the floor, she realized that even with Charlie and her both bringing in decent paychecks Manhattan was a stretch.

  Not wanting to admit defeat and tell him her knowledge of how to find housing in NYC wasn’t as vast as she’d believed, she decide to just send him a list of her “must haves” and beg off due to school work. Everyone knew the days before Christmas break were like living in crazyville for primary teachers. She e-mailed her list two days before her flight, it included: a guest bedroom, clean bathroom, nice neighbors, a grocery nearby and windows that let in the northern light. His response had been a simple text, “That’s it???”

  Apparently her boyfriend thought she was easy.

  The next day she received another text letting her know that they had four appointments scheduled to see places in Brooklyn and Queens the day after she arrived. “I know you’ll want to do the touristy stuff since it’s Christmas so we’ll get the hard things out of the way in the beginning,” he’d said when she called him immediately. Hard things also included interviews. He’d scheduled four of those for her, two on each of the days following the apartment search.

  There were moments as the weeks wore on when she wondered what she had gotten herself into. What was the rush? Did she really want to do everything all at once? But then he would call, or they would fall asleep together on Skype, and she could feel it deep in her heart. This man, this time, this decision was right.

  PART THREE

  CHAPTER eighteen

  “Hannah! Over here, Hannah!” The familiar voice cried as she searched the baggage carousel for her luggage. Too afraid to look up for fear she would miss her bag again, she held her hand in the air and waved acknowledgement. JFK was an entirely different experience from LaGuardia and she needed
to concentrate. Luckily, her luggage made its way to where she waited a fraction of a second before Melanie did or she would have missed it again due to the bear hug. She had to admit that after the way she left New York in June, she never expected this warm of a welcome back.

  “Was your flight good?” Mel asked before releasing her. “I saw you went through some weather. Hope there weren’t too many bumps. Eeeeehhh! I’m so excited that you’re here. True love wins out in the end after all.”

  She couldn’t help but smile at the genuine affection and exuberance the younger woman showed. “A few bumps, yes. This place is crazy. How did you find me so quick?”

  “It’s not that bad once you get used to it, and I travel a lot for work so I’m here all the time,” she said. “Come on, let’s go get you a subway card. We’re taking the J train into Brooklyn, OK?”

  “Lead the way,” she replied.

  And so it began.

  “Get comfortable,” Melanie said to her as they found two seats together in the crowd. “It’s about 45 minutes to Charles’ stop, and then we walk.”

  They chatted like old friends, catching up after years apart. No one would have guessed they’d only met a total of three times. Hannah was excited to have someone she clicked with so effortlessly to rely on in this new life she was creating. As the train entered Brooklyn she took in the view of the new borough.

  “I feel so bad that he gave up his place in Queens. He loved that neighborhood.”

  “He did,” Mel agreed, “but I think it helped assuage some of the guilt he felt over leaving Nadia. By giving her the apartment he felt like he was still taking care of her in a way.”

  “Do you see her much?” she asked, hoping selfishly that she didn’t.

  “No. I haven’t seen her since before he told her he wanted the divorce. It wasn’t like we were besties or anything. Still, I find it a little bit odd that we have so many people in common and it’s like she’s disappeared from the city.”

  “Probably on purpose. I can’t imagine starting over on my own after losing the man I loved. For Charles it was different, but from what you and he have told me, I feel like she really loved him.”

  “I don’t think there’s any doubt there, but we need to quit focusing on her! You’re here and you’ve made your decision, right? You’re moving in as soon as you can find a job?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Melanie lowered her eyebrows and shot Hannah a look that said “Don’t do this to him again.” She looked so intimidating that it made her laugh out loud.

  “No! That’s not what I meant. Of course, I’ve decided. I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t. What I meant is that Charles has this caveman idea in his head that I need to go back to Ohio and plan the wedding. He doesn’t want me actually moving until we’re married.”

  “Well, we can talk him out of that.” Mel stood and grabbed one of Hannah’s bags. “Come on, the next stop is ours.” As they pushed and shifted to get out of the doors everyone else was trying to enter, she continued, “I get what he’s doing. We’ve talked about this before. He’s always been in love with you and he wants it to be perfect. I guess he’s already had one marriage that wasn’t and he wants this one to be real from the start.”

  Hannah stopped on the platform to rearrange her coat, scarf and bags. It was crazy how much organization it took to get from one place to the other when traveling. What Melanie said about Charles was so on point. She wondered if she would ever know or understand him that well.

  “I guess you’re right. It’s just frustrating because what I want is to get here as soon as possible, settle in and then plan a wedding together.”

  “Have you told him that?”

  “Not in so many words. We had a conversation a while ago where I let him know I wanted our decisions for the future to be made together from now on, but he’d already proclaimed the stay home and plan the wedding stuff to my family who doesn’t want me to leave anyhow.” She took a second to look around as they walked under the elevated railways. There were so many people walking everywhere. It was a challenge not to bang into anyone. “Maybe it’ll be different here. When we were in Ohio he seemed bossy somehow, almost like he had something to prove.”

  Melanie raised an eyebrow, “Didn’t he?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Oh, come on, Hannah. You really can’t figure out why he wouldn’t be the same guy in Ohio that he is here in New York?”

  She shook her head, “I really can’t.”

  “In Ohio he feels like the kid next door. Your family, his family, he’s constantly around people he’s had to hide his attraction from since he was young. Not to mention that the things that give him his confidence and independence are here in this city. This is where he became a man; this is where you finally saw him as a man.”

  “Are you sure you’re in real estate and not psychiatry?” Hannah laughed. “That actually makes a lot of sense.”

  “Thank you,” she said as she took a bow, then wiggled her eyebrows. “I thought you liked how on top of things he was when you were last here.”

  Hannah blushed as she gave that some thought. She had been attracted to the way he took control and led her around the city. When he’d first ordered for her that night in the village she’d been slightly put off, but it was his assertiveness that had allowed her to see him as more than the kid she’d watched grow up.

  Melanie stopped in front of a five story red brick building and pulled out a key. They stepped into a hallway that reminded her of something from the 1920’s or 30’s. Small black and white squares tiled the floors, while intricate moldings climbed the walls. She looked for an elevator but the wide staircase to the right appeared to be the way up. The only thing that marred the retro beauty was that it seemed to be crumbling.

  “I know,” Melanie said, observing Hannah’s glances. “Such a shame. It’s gorgeous but the owner just doesn’t have the money to make the repairs, plus the neighborhood isn’t the wealthiest. You’ll find lots of people who can barely afford their rent, but at least it’s stabilized in this one and won’t keep going up.” She paused and took a breath, “Speaking of going up,” she pointed to the stairs. “Fourth floor, my dear.”

  “No elevator?”

  Melanie laughed.

  Hannah trudged up the stairs, her exhaustion from the traveling starting to overwhelm her. When they opened the door to Charles’ sublet she let out a sigh of relief. It was clean and simply decorated with lots of light and a big comfortable sofa that called out her name. She dropped her bags in the entryway and sprawled across it.

  “Oh, don’t I wish I could do that, too. Unfortunately I have a showing this afternoon. Don't get up. I’ll leave the keys on the table,” she said as Hannah began to push herself from the sofa. "You’re obviously tired and I’m going to see you tomorrow for appointments anyway.”

  “Thank you so much!” She mumbled and watched her exit before she stood, grabbed her bag and headed to the bathroom. Once inside she pulled out the red satin lingerie she’d brought specifically to surprise Charles. She was definitely exhausted, but there was no reason she couldn’t fall asleep in his bed and give him a pleasant surprise when he came home from work. She could think of no better way to begin their official together time in New York.

  ****

  She awoke thinking an earthquake had hit, when in reality Charles had just jumped on the bed numerous times trying to wake her. Her mascara made opening her eyes a slow and sticky process, but once unfastened, they locked on his.

  “I can’t tell you what coming home and finding you in my bed feels like,” he murmured before lowering his lips to hers.

  “And I can’t tell you what waking up to the love of your life jostling you like he’s trying to wake the dead feels like,” she answered.

  “Surely, you’re not upset that I woke you. That red lingerie led me to believe you wanted me to wake you up.”

  She shifted beneath him, pushing the covers away and
wrapping her legs round his waist. He looked amazing. She laced her fingers behind his neck, “Oh, I wanted you to wake me up all right, but I was thinking of a grown man’s kiss, not a five year-old jumping on the bed." She pushed up and touched her lips to his.

  He shifted back and rested his head on his hand.

  "Actually, as much as I love the effort. I've had a really long day. Are you cool if we just lie here and talk awhile?"

  She snuggled against his chest.

  "Absolutely."

  She breathed in the comforting familiar smell of him and kept her eyes closed, reveling in the feel of his fingers in her hair.

  "How was the flight?" he asked.

  "Bumpy."

  "And did Mel give you the tour of our neighborhood along the way? I know it's not the same as before, but it's just for a little while. We'll find our own place soon."

  "I love it here. The light is good and it's clean and simple...oh, and the building itself? It's so old and beautiful!"

  "And falling apart," he added.

  She sighed, "And falling apart. We'll find something tomorrow with Mel. No worries."

  "All of my worries disappeared the minute I saw you here."

  CHAPTER nineteen

  “Well, you have a very impressive resume, Ms. Miller. I admit that having attended Columbia my self, I know what kind of continuing education you’ve received. It speaks to your dedication that you would seek to further yourself at your own expense.”

  Hannah smiled at the young principal. Jonathan Leonard must have been somewhere in between her age and Charles’, but she couldn’t quite place where. His clothing choices and warm manner told her that he would expect professionalism and respect, but still offer collegiality.

  “Do you have any questions for us?” he asked.