If I Could Be With You

by Hardesty, Mary Mamie

  “Actually, I was wondering if you could tell me a little more about the students you serve here. I’m coming from a fairly racially and economically homogenous environment and I’m really looking for some diversity in my life.”

  He laughed and shook his head. “Well, we can certainly offer you that. One of the things I love about leading Westview Charter is there is only one word that you could choose that would describe all of our kids. Driven.”

  Driven could mean so many different things. She wasn’t sure she wanted to jump into a situation where she would be hounded by parents and so focused on success that she couldn’t form relationships. She waited for him to continue.

  “Our students are driven to become their best selves, Hannah. For some of them that means they will be the first in their family to graduate high school, while for others they want to continue the family tradition of an Ivy League education. Some are driven in the arts and music, while others excel in the sciences. Our goal is to help these kids find what they’re good at and become their best because they love the learning – not the accolades.”

  He stood and she followed suit.

  “It’s been a pleasure to interview you. I’m so happy Charles was able to get something scheduled while you were in town.”

  “Me, too,” she said, realizing she genuinely meant it. Her initial anger at his planning their life without her input had subsided.

  He walked her to the school entrance and politely inquired about her ability to negotiate the subway back to Brooklyn. As she was halfway down the steps, he called to her, “Hannah! One more question.”

  She slowly made her way back up. All the walking that New York required seemed to be wearing her out this trip more than last.

  “I know Charles mentioned that you would be available next school year and I do have an opening, but is there any chance you’ll be coming to the city sooner? I have a third grade teacher taking maternity leave in two months and my plans for her substitute just fell through.”

  Her head felt heavy and she could hear her blood coursing through her veins. Nervous excitement flooded her body. He wanted her. He was offering her a job for this semester, as well as next year. She had never felt more at home in a school than she had while walking the halls of Westview Charter, but Charles had been pretty adamant that he wanted to do things the right way and after talking to Melanie she finally was starting to understand why. That meant her returning to Ohio and planning their wedding before moving to the city.

  “I’d have to talk it over with Charles,” she said. “There might be a way. When would you need to know?”

  “I’m kind of in a bind,” he replied. “I have to find someone soon so I’ll be putting the ad out tomorrow. I’d say if you knew by the end of the week we could work something out.”

  “I’ll definitely get back to you one way or another. Promise!”

  She waved and headed back down the stairs towards the subway. She thought she knew what Charles would have to say on the matter, but she had to bring it up. It wasn’t like they couldn’t replace her at the school she was at now. There was a waiting list a mile long of qualified teachers that wanted her job, and being back in the city, back in Charles’ arms at night, had only made the thought of returning to Ohio without him more unbearable.

  Lost in thought as she boarded the 4 train, she didn’t notice until it was too late that she’d dropped a glove along the way.

  “Damn it,” she said a little louder than she’d meant, and sat down in an empty bucket seat.

  A voice spoke from behind her. “Rough day?”

  Turning to see who had broken the unspoken rule of not speaking to others on the subway, she looked straight into Nadia’s dark brown eyes. In one quick sweep, she took in the long black ponytail and bulky coat. She carried a bag of groceries on her lap and smiled broadly.

  “I lost a glove,” she managed to squeak. She felt herself turn fifty shades of red. Running into her like this was awkward as hell. In a city of 8 million people, what were the odds of seeing the ex-wife of her fiancé on a train?

  “I’ve had a rough day, too,” she said. “Seems like a rough year, actually. I lost a husband.”

  Hannah swallowed hard. This wasn’t how she wanted things to go. She was just about to say how sorry she was for everything that happened when Nadia doubled over in laughter.

  “What?” Hannah asked.

  “I just couldn’t help it.” Nadia continued to giggle. “Your face. I’m so sorry, Hannah. Really. I was just pulling your leg. I don’t hold any hard feelings for you anymore. I’m over it. OK?”

  There was a pleading look behind the smiling eyes. She seemed sincere.

  “Over it?” Hannah asked. “How could you be over it? You loved him. You imagined a life with him. You actually started building one, and then I came and tore it all to shreds. That was never my intention, Nadia. I never meant to ruin your life.”

  The dark eyes seemed to warm even further.

  “You didn’t ruin my life, Hannah.” There was a pause and Hannah noticed the woman who had been quietly reading across from them now couldn’t seem to look away. “If anything you gave me my life.”

  She shook her head in disbelief. “How?”

  A voice echoed through the car announcing the next stop.

  “I have to go,” Nadia said. “Don’t feel guilty, Hannah. It’s worked out for the best for the both of us. Really.”

  Nadia pushed herself up from the seat and scooted past the curious woman with the book. As she turned to say goodbye, her coat fell open. With a quick movement she pulled it closed, but not before Hannah noticed her hand absently caress her extended belly.

  “Maybe we can talk soon?” Nadia asked.

  Hannah simply nodded as she fought the urge to get sick.

  ****

  “Pregnant?” Melanie screamed.

  “No doubt,” Hannah confirmed, “and by the looks of it I’d say about five months.” She put her face in her hands and groaned. “I hate to say it, but my mind went there. I know, without a doubt that it isn’t his baby. I trust him completely where Nadia is concerned, but the timing and the shock of it all? My first thought was that it was his.”

  “I can’t blame you for that.”

  Doubt started creeping back in. If Melanie thought she should be worried, maybe she should be. She shook her head, stood and began to pace back and forth.

  “No, if it was his baby, she would have said something. She loves him. She would never have intentionally not told him about the one thing that would have guilted him into staying with her for good.”

  “You’re right. She knew he was leaving her for you. If she were going to play a pregnancy card, she would have done it then. Maybe she’s met someone else. I told you I haven’t seen or heard from her, and you said she seemed happy. Maybe she’s just moved on with her life.” Melanie stretched out on the couch and took a sip of her wine.

  Hannah grabbed the glass from Mel’s hand and gulped.

  “Sure, take the rest of that. Didn’t need it as much as you anyway.”

  “It’s just that, when I think back to that time, I’d made it so clear to him I was leaving. I thought it was over. I went on dates. Could I blame him if he had decided to sleep with her? What if I drove him to it?”

  “OK. That’s enough,” she stood and took the glass from her hand. “When you start blaming yourself for the imaginary actions of a man who absolutely 100% loves you, and only you, you’re cut off.”

  Mel walked the glass to the kitchen, came out and grabbed her purse.

  “I’ve got to run. What are you going to do when Charles get home? You going to tell him or not?”

  Hannah pulled this pillow against her chest and let out the breath she’d been holding. “I don’t know.”

  “Well, let me know before I pick you two up to apartment shop tomorrow, OK? I don’t want to say the wrong thing.”

  “I will. Do you want me to walk you out?”

 
; Mel leaned down for a quick hug.

  “Stay on your couch, you lazy bum. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  The click of the door was like a trigger for her tears. They started slowly, one by one, before turning into a raging stream that left her emotionally and physically drained. She needn’t have worried about what to say to Charlie because she slept through his coming home and woke up to a note on her pillow that he’d meet her and Mel at their Mexican place in the Village for lunch.

  CHAPTER twenty

  “So, I know none of the places we’ve seen so far have been your dream space, but I have a feeling that the property we’re visiting to day is going to be the one.”

  “I hope so,” Charles said as he squeezed Hannah’s hand from across the table.

  It was nice to be out with him. The past few days had been filled with interviews and what seemed like a million details. To top that off, whenever they had down time, all she wanted was to curl up on the couch exhausted from the constant go-go-go of city life. “What is it about this one that you think we’ll like so much, Mel?”

  Melanie picked up the check and gave them a mysterious smile. “You’ll have to wait and see! Come on, let’s go get the train.”

  The wind whipped through her hair as they tread the narrow village streets under grey skies that threatened snow, but Hannah loved the feel of the city this close to the holidays. Everywhere she looked people were rushing around with packages. Storefronts sported lavish, decorative displays that were almost worth freezing to death to admire. She breathed a sigh of relief when they took the escalator down to the subway and her skin stopped burning from the cold.

  Charles kept looking at her expectantly.

  “What? What do you think I’m going to figure out? I don’t have any idea where we’re going.”

  “I’m disappointed, Hannah,” he teased. “I would have thought you had the subway system memorized by now.”

  “Well, I don’t, but I can tell we aren’t headed Uptown.”

  A laugh escaped Mel. “Manhattan! As if…”

  Charles led them to two open seats and stood while they sat. With each passing stop Hannah started to get more excited. The familiar names brought back memories of her first trip. Could it be that they were headed to Queens?

  “Mel, are we going where I think we are?”

  She just smiled and looked out the window.

  “Charles? Tell me, now!”

  “OK! Yes, we’re in Queens and the place we’re seeing is actually only about a five minute walk from my old neighborhood.” He reached out and ran a finger down her cheek. “I’m excited, too. That part of town just feels like home.”

  When they exited the station she did, indeed, know where they were. She was beginning to believe that if this apartment had just one of her must haves on the list it would be enough. She needed the feeling of belonging this neighborhood gave her. Taking a left instead of the right that would have taken them to their old apartment, they walked the three blocks to a quaint duplex that looked as if it had built in the 1940’s.

  “We’ll take it,” she exclaimed.

  Mel started laughing again.

  “How about we go inside first? What do you say, Charles?”

  He looked from Mel to Hannah and back again. A broad smile spread from ear to ear and his blue eyes danced with excitement.

  “I think Hannah has great instincts. We’ll take it,” he agreed.

  “Jeez, you two! I know we say real estate is all about location, but shouldn’t you look inside first?”

  “Why?” he asked. “This is where Hannah and I are going to start a family. I can feel it in my bones.”

  At the mention of family, Mel shot Hannah a look. She’d forgotten about seeing Nadia. She cringed inwardly and hoped she’d have the good sense not to bring it up. Unfortunately, she didn’t.

  “Speaking of families, are you sure you guys want to be so close to Nadia and the new baby? It could lead to some uncomfortable run-ins down the road.”

  Charles’ face went from confused to ashen.

  “Baby? What are you talking about?” He looked to Hannah and she quickly looked away. “Nadia’s pregnant? When did you see her? How do you know?”

  Mel walked up and opened the front door of the duplex. Stepping back she said, “Why don’t I give you two a chance to check out the apartment, and maybe talk a minute.” The look she gave Hannah expressed sorrow, but it was small comfort that the revelation had been an accident.

  His reaction hadn’t filled her with hope. He seemed genuinely surprised and overly worried. The way his face had turned white? Could he be the father?

  They stepped through the entry into an open concept living room and kitchen flooded with light. While the outside showed its age, the inside had obviously been refurbished, but looking at the floor, trying to avoid Charles’ probing gaze, she noticed beautiful parquet inlays in the hardwood that had to have been original.

  “These floors are amazing,” she commented quietly.

  “How could you have known she was pregnant and not told me?”

  Hannah wrapped her arms around her chest and walked towards the stairway that led to the bedrooms. Taking a step up, she paused and turned.

  “I didn’t know how. I didn’t know if maybe, you already knew.”

  Understanding broke.

  “You thought it could be mine?”

  She rushed to his side and took his arm.

  “Only for a moment. I was caught off guard. We were on the subway, and she was being so kind. She said she hoped we could talk sometime soon and when she got up to leave her coat fell open and it was obvious. I’d say 5 or 6 months obvious. With the timing and how I left you, I just thought…what if?”

  He shook her hand from his arm and walked up the stairs without saying a word. She stood in the open space, frozen, not knowing whether to follow or give him a moment. He hadn’t denied the possibility outright, but his pain at the idea she could have thought the child was his was enough to prove to her it wasn’t.

  “Charles?” She called up the steps. When he didn’t answer she turned and walked back outside to Mel.

  “What happened?”

  “It’s not his. He’s hurt that I even entertained the idea. I’d also say he’s worried about her and doesn’t know if he should contact her or offer help, but he hasn’t actually said that part out loud.”

  Mel looked through the doorway.

  “He’s upstairs,” Hannah said. “Let’s give him some space.”

  ****

  The ride back to Brooklyn, with only her looping fears and insecurities playing in her mind, was probably the longest ride of her life. While they had decided on the duplex in Queens, and had a move in date for right after the new year, the elephant in the room that neither of them wanted to discuss tempered the excitement they should have been feeling.

  Upon entering the apartment he turned to her. “How could you have even believed for one moment that I could have gotten her pregnant. You knew that we weren’t involved physically. Do you have no faith in me?” He sat and pulled his fingers in frustration through the waves above his ears. “I just don’t get it.”

  She sat next to him and grabbed his hand. Opening his palm she laced her fingers through his. “I hurt you.”

  “Yes, you did.” He answered.

  “No – I mean I hurt you when I left. When I threw you out of the hotel room and tried to give you back the diamonds. I hurt you when I went back to Ohio and began dating with the intention of forgetting you. I know you talked to Lilly, and Susie, and I know they weren’t encouraging.” She nudged his chin so that they were face-to-face. “Knowing the pain I caused you, I wondered. Just for a second, but I wondered if maybe I had caused you to turn to her in comfort. If I had, then I would be the one that had caused this whole situation, and I would also be the one keeping you from a life with your child.”

  “But I didn’t. It’s not my baby.”

  “I know that. I knew
that. It was one moment of doubt. You know me. You know my insecurities. You know that I have always wondered why you would want me - why you are with me.”

  He stood and walked to the window. It had started to snow.

  “Still?”

  “Yes, still Charles. It’s not a constant worry, and I’ve come to believe in us and that you love me and want a life with me, but every once in awhile I can’t help it. There are realities to our situation that are never going to go away.”

  He turned, arms crossed and expression dark.

  “I don’t want to say anything to validate this insecurity that you feel, Hannah, but I’m angry and I’m not sure how to get over it because it all stems from something I can’t control. I can’t make you feel my love if you don’t. You have to open yourself to it. You have to give yourself to us, all of yourself , even the part of you that’s scared to death.”

  She walked to him and circled her arms around his waist. Pressing her nose against his back she inhaled the calming, manly scent that was his alone. She closed her eyes and held him. “I want to give you all of me, Charles,” she whispered.

  He turned and pulled her closer.

  “I know.” He kissed the top of her head before pulling her hand and leading her to the bedroom. Once there he leaned down and pressed his lips to her neck. Trailing soft kisses across her collarbone, he unbuttoned her shirt and let it slide to the floor. He stood back, drinking in the sight of her. She felt the self-consciousness of being totally vulnerable to him, but she opened to it and gave into the fear.

  He reached out and undid the clasp that held her bra in place, gently tugging it off and then reaching to cup her breasts. His thumbs circled and kneaded at her nipples. They stood together, never once breaking eye contact, lips hovering but not consummating the kiss that would send them both on this journey into deeper intimacy.

  She took his hands from her chest to remove his shirt and moved closer so that her hardened peaks tickled at him with each rise and fall of her breath. He lifted her chin so that their lips finally touched, so soft and quietly that she almost felt pain from the need and tenderness warring inside her.