If I Could Be With You

by Hardesty, Mary Mamie

  “I love you,” she exhaled.

  He took a deep breath in, as if to accept her apology and declaration.

  “I love you,” he replied.

  He lowered his hands to unbutton her jeans and pushed them from her hips while she struggled to free him of his khakis. They stood naked with each other, souls bared, insecurities, flaws and all. She knew in that moment she wouldn’t be going back to Ohio. No matter what he wanted or how much he argued. She was here to stay. He was her home.

  CHAPTER twenty-one

  Christmas morning dawned with bright sunshine and snow covered streets. She snuggled closer to Charles, reveling in the warmth that radiated from his body. The apartment was in chaos around them, half packed for the move to Queens and half filled with the Christmas decorations Hannah had refused to go without. The tree they had brought up the four flights of stairs sparkled in the corner, a reminder of what they could accomplish when they worked together.

  The deep sigh that escaped his lips signaled he was waking up and she took a moment to let her eyes trail over his sleep softened features. He truly was the most beautiful man she had ever seen and despite his lack of officially asking, he was most definitely her future husband. She tried to let go of the excitement that flooded her stomach when she thought of the proposal. She was almost positive it would come today but she didn’t want to be too disappointed if she was wrong.

  “Good morning,” Charles said in his deep sleepy voice that seemed to always awaken the sexual goddess inside of her. He turned and put his head on her bare chest. “Merry Christmas.”

  She giggled at the smile on his face and the look in his eyes as he opened them level with her nipples.

  “Merry Christmas,” she repeated.

  “Present time?” he asked.

  “You’re as bad as a child,” she chided.

  “OK, then, food first. You wore me out last night. I feel like I could eat a horse. What kind of Christmas morning feast do you have planned for us?” He wiggled his eyebrows up and down in expectation.

  “Oh, no.” She pushed him off of her. “It’s not like I was suddenly blessed with culinary skills in a Christmas miracle. If you want anything other than pumpkin pies or cookies, I’d suggest you go put something in the oven. Pour us some orange juice and champagne, too. A mimosa sounds like a perfect Christmas morning tradition to start!”

  He flicked back the covers and stood, stretching like a cat, while the sunlight played on his gloriously naked physique.

  “Stop showing off and make us some food,” she growled before throwing a pillow in his direction. “Just because I want to eat before presents, doesn’t mean I want to wait all day to see what’s in that big box under the tree.”

  “Aha! I knew you were human!” He said as he left the room.

  Hannah rose slowly and picked up the pink silk robe from the floor beside the bed. She slid her arms in and made her way to the bathroom to throw some cold water on her face and freshen up. Once satisfied she’d look decent in any holiday selfies he felt inclined to take, she walked to the kitchen. Charles had just slid the cinnamon buns into the oven and was working on popping the cork on the champagne.

  “I meant to ask you last night but forgot,” he said. “Did you ever hear back from Jonathan about the job for next year?”

  She smiled. Time to let him in on her secret. He couldn’t get mad on Christmas morning. It would be sacrilegious.

  “I did! I got it.”

  “That’s awesome!” He handed her a mimosa and raised his glass in a toast. “Here’s to everything falling into place,” he offered.

  “And here’s to shucking the plan and playing it all by ear,” she added.

  He choked a bit before covering his eyes with his palm, but there was still a smile on his face.

  “What have you done now, Hannah?”

  “Well, you know that these past two weeks have shown me that this is right – that we’re right…”

  “I hope so. We’re getting married.”

  “Well, maybe we are. You still haven’t asked me, but that’s not what I’m getting at. The idea of returning to Ohio and living without you for months before we can start our life here, well, I’m just not OK with that.”

  The smile on his face lessened. “What did you do Hannah?”

  “You have to promise you won’t get mad. It’s Christmas and remember we said we were going to plan our life together from now on – not just follow what you imagined it would be like.”

  He nodded. “I remember. Together was the key word in that statement. Why do I get the feeling you made a decision for us both.”

  “Promise first. You’re not going to ruin our first Christmas together over this.”

  He pulled her into his arms and kissed her hard. “Just tell me before I make something up in my head that’s far worse than reality.”

  She bounced in his arms unable to contain her excitement. “I’m not going back to Ohio. Jonathan offered me a maternity sub position for February through April and a job for next year. I’m going to be teaching at Westview.”

  Hannah wasn’t sure what his lack of expression meant, but she thought it was a positive that he wasn’t overtly angry. “Mel and I spent a long time talking and I know that you wanted me to go back and plan the wedding because you want this marriage to start out the right way, but don’t you see Charlie – it’s right already. We don’t have to follow a script to make things work or to make this real. It is, and we are, and I don’t want to wait. I want to be here with you and move into our home and start my job and just…just spend every moment together instead of miles apart.”

  He took a sip of his mimosa.

  “So, what do you think?” she asked.

  “I think that we should open our presents now.”

  “But what about what I told you? You’re not angry? We’re OK?

  He picked her glass from her hand and set it on the table next to his. He still wasn’t smiling but he wasn’t visibly upset. “Let’s go,” he said while guiding her into the living room.

  “You’re making me nervous. Could you smile at least?”

  “Even if I genuinely smiled right now, Hannah, your insecurities wouldn’t let you believe it was real. Let’s just open our gifts and celebrate our first Christmas together.” He sat on the floor by the tree and patted the space next to him. “You first.” He pushed the large box towards her.

  “I’ve been wondering what’s in this box for the past three days! What in the world did you get me that could take up this much space?”

  She saw it then, the slight tug at the corner of his mouth. He was playing her and doing a fabulous job of it. She’d really believed he was angry, but it was all a show. What was he up to? She pulled the wrapping from the large box and was immediately confronted with a smaller wrapped box inside.

  “You didn’t.” She blew out a breath in playful frustration.

  He laughed for the first time since he’d brought up her new job.

  “You did,” she said as the new gift gave way to an even smaller wrapped version until she was down to a box the size of what could only realistically be a picture frame. She hid her slight disappointment at the fact it wasn’t the size of a ring box.

  “Open it,” he prodded.

  When she pulled off the wrapping and the top to the small white box she discovered that it was, in fact, a picture frame. Silver and engraved with a photo of the two of them in Ohio, the date on the frame read Nov. 28. Thanksgiving Day, the day he’d shown up at her house with the news of his divorce. The day their life together had finally begun.

  Tears sprang to her eyes.

  “It’s so thoughtful, Charles. I love it.”

  “Really? You’re not sad it’s not a ring?”

  “Well,” she shrugged her shoulders, “maybe just a little bit.”

  “There’s another present for you under the tree, Hannah.”

  When she looked she noticed a smaller box off to the side, sligh
tly bigger than a ring box but still, it was a possibility. She felt her face grow warmer. How embarrassing that he knew how much she wanted this proposal and was toying with her.

  “Open it,” He chided her again.

  She lifted the gold and red wrapping paper, exposing a regular cardboard gift box. She would never admit to secretly hoping for Tiffany blue. She held it up and shook. Whatever it was, it was small and hard. She lifted the top and pulled out a $100 gift card to an office supply store. A post it note stuck to the back of the card read, For February supplies…Congratulations, Love.

  She looked up. He was stifling his laughter the best he could. Hannah smacked at his shoulder with the gift card.

  “You knew! How did you find out? You let me worry that you would be angry and that I could make a mess of our first Christmas morning when you knew about my job the whole time!”

  “Jonathan called me before he called you. He just wanted to make sure things were solid with us before he took a chance and offered you the maternity sub. He didn’t have time to fix a mistake if you decided not to stay.”

  She let her shoulders relax in relief and gave him a small smile.

  “So, you’re really OK with me staying.”

  “I’m really OK with it, Han. Promise. In fact, you were right and I was wrong. I want you to stay. I don’t want to wait another minute to start our life together. He pushed up to his knees and reached up onto the tree where a small clear glass ornament hung. Funny, she didn’t remember hanging that one.

  He held the ornament in his open palm and leaned closer for her to see. Something glinted in the sunlight and she suddenly couldn’t catch her breath.

  “Hannah Miller, love of my entire life…will you be mine?”

  Inside the glass ornament, an elegant emerald cut diamond set in yellow gold with a baguette on each side waited for her finger. It was the most beautiful ring she’d ever seen.

  “What? How? How did you get it inside? More importantly,” she was nearly screaming, “How do we get it out?”

  He laughed and removed the gold fringe that covered the top and allowed for the ornament hanger. He gently took her hand and let the ring fall into her palm. She went to put it on but he stopped her.

  “Uh-uh,” he shook his head. “I haven’t heard and answer yet, Ms. Miller. Will you be my bride?”

  “Of course I will! Yes! Yes, a hundred times.”

  She leaned up to kiss him as he slid he ring on her finger.

  CHAPTER twenty-two

  Later that evening she snuggled against her fiancé, who wore the sweater and new watch she had given him that morning.

  “This feels so nice. We’ve made all our calls. Everyone knows and is happy for us. The ring fits perfectly, I have a job and we have a new home in Queens as of a week from now. Could we ask for anything more?” She worried slightly when his body tensed at her words. “What’s wrong?” she asked as fear pooled in her belly.

  He plucked a strand of her hair from her face and pushed it behind her ear. He looked sad, but how could he be sad? Everything was perfect. It had all worked out exactly as they wanted.

  “Hannah, I have to ask you for one more gift.”

  “You know I’d give you anything.”

  “I do.” He smiled but the sadness lingered in his eyes. “I have everything I could ask for except one thing and I’m worried that the one thing that I need to ask of you may prove to be more than you’re willing to give.”

  The nervous energy inside of her peaked and she sat up straight.

  “Just tell me, Charles. You’re scaring me. What don’t you have that you need?”

  “My old friend in my life.”

  It slowly dawned on her. He was referring to Nadia, pregnant Nadia, who had been the source of conflict, fear and almost all of the tension between them. But she was also the Nadia that had been his best friend through college. The Nadia who he had cared enough about to marry so that she could become a citizen and have the life she deserved.

  “What do you mean?” She twisted the ring on her left hand. “I just need you to tell me exactly what you’re asking me,” Hannah said.

  He sat up and folded his hands between his knees giving her a shy sideways glance. “I need to be a part of my friend’s life again. I want for my wife to be a part of her life, too.”

  Hannah sat back. She still struggled with the fact that Nadia loved Charles and always had, but then again…on the subway that day Nadia had thanked her for saving her life. She knew the baby Nadia carried didn’t belong to Charles, so it must have belonged to someone else. Was it possible Nadia had found love? “So again, Charles, for right now I need you to be very clear. What are you asking me to do?”

  “I’d like you to come with me to the old apartment and take a gift for the baby. One of my oldest and dearest friends is having a baby and even though she doesn’t celebrate Christmas, this would be the first time since I’ve met her that I haven’t given her a gift. It would mean the world to me if it could be a gift from both of us and if you would go with me.”

  For some strange reason, the emotion that rolled through Hannah wasn’t jealously or fear, but love. She felt tears forming and knew he would misinterpret them, so she spoke quickly before he could jump to a conclusion.

  “I would be happy and proud to go with you to take Nadia and her baby a present. Despite everything that’s happened and the fear that I have legitimately felt over her presence in our lives, I know now that she isn’t a threat. She never really was.”

  He shoulders sank in relief and he pulled her back towards him. He pressed his lips against her hair and mumbled, “I love you, Hannah Miller.”

  She shoved up off the couch.

  “Let’s get moving, then. She’s pregnant and probably tired. I doubt she’ll be up until all hours.”

  “You’re amazing, Hannah. Let me just run and get the gift. Grab your coat!”

  Her words hung in the air, “She’s pregnant and probably tired.” She yawned and lifted the silver framed photo. November 28. Today was Dec. 25. Had it been a whole month since their first night in Ohio together? How could she not have noticed?

  Charles appeared in his coat, holding his hat and gloves. She tried to put herself in his place. If it had been her friend and she had gone through everything that Nadia and he had together, there was no way she could have abandoned them. She was proud and relieved that she loved a man of integrity.

  “Oops,” he said and turned around. He ran back to the bedroom again and came carrying a gift wrapped in yellow paper with small giraffes printed on it.

  “When did you get that? I didn’t even notice it.”

  “It was under the bed. Truth?” he asked.

  “Always truth,” she answered.

  “I bought it the day after I found out she was pregnant. I was just standing outside of Macys and I had to go in. Have you ever shopped in the baby department before, Hannah? Who knew there was so much stuff that a kid could need?”

  She laughed at his innocence and ignorance, “Yeah, who knew?” she replied, wondering if she herself might need to know sooner than she thought.

  ****

  Early the next morning Hannah snuck out of bed, careful not to wake her snoring fiancé. Tiptoeing into the living area she grabbed her purse and pulled out the pregnancy test she’d picked up on the way home from Nadia’s the night before. It had been a good thing that they were out of milk, and that Charles had agreed to let her run in alone. She didn’t want to get his hopes up for something that was probably not that likely.

  She’d gone off the pill when she’d come home from New York because she didn’t want to make sleeping with any of her new suitors too easy, and it seemed smart to have to ask them to wear a condom, not that she’d gotten past first base with any of them. With Charles though, they hadn’t always been as careful as they should have. Sitting in the bathroom waiting for the plus or minus to appear she let her hopes get the better of her. There was really no reason not
to be excited. They were taking giant leaps together anyway. What was one more?

  A knock sounded on the door.

  “You in there? Hurry up. I’ve gotta go.”

  “Just a second,” she said knowing that it would literally be just a second before she knew the truth.

  She picked the test up from the counter and let out a small squeal at the confirmation of baby McMillan’s impending arrival.

  “You OK? Do you need help?” He called from the other side of the door.

  She looked at the test in her hand and didn’t know what to do. She didn’t want this to be the way he found out he was going to be a father.

  “I’m fine, just dropped my hairbrush in the toilet,” she answered. “I’ll be out in just a sec.” She quickly turned on the water and ran her brush under the stream. Taking toilet paper off the roll, she wrapped the test so that it couldn’t be seen and placed it in the trash. Good enough, she thought.

  Striving for calm, she opened the door and pushed passed him, even faking a yawn and pretending she couldn’t wait to get back into bed. He shut the door and she screamed into a pillow. How was she supposed to go back to sleep with news like this to share? Her heart was beating a mile a minute, still she found a way to climb back under the covers and wait for him to join her.

  When he returned he scooted up against her and wrapped her in his arms.

  “I love you,” he mumbled.

  “Hmmm…” she answered trying to pretend she wasn’t wide-awake.

  “I wanted to thank you again for going last night.” He pressed his lips to the back of her head as he spooned her. “It really means a lot for me to still have Nadia, and now her new boyfriend and child in my life. I can’t believe she’s really going to be a mom.”

  “Me either,” she said, wondering why he was feeling so chatty when he normally would roll over and go back to sleep.

  “You know,” he kept talking, “Seeing her pregnant last night made me really happy that you and I have this time with each other before we have kids. I’ve always believed it’s really important for people to establish who they are as a couple before they start a family.”