Meant to Be

by Melody Carlson

  “You never know,” he says as he takes my arm.

  Okay, my heart is pounding now, and I'm certain that he plans to mug, beat, or rape me out here. My legs are shaking as I walk down the path toward our cabin. The walk has been shoveled, but it's icy and slick. I almost fall down, but Tyler manages to keep me on my feet. Finally we're at my cabin. “Thanks,” I quickly tell him, bracing myself for I'm not even sure what.

  “No problem.” He walks me up to the door. “Happy New Year.” Then he turns and walks away.

  I fumble around for my key and, unlocking the door, slip inside then lock it behind me, waiting in the darkness to be sure that he's not coming back. Finally I realize that he's long gone and I'm just being extremely paranoid—whether it's from the cocoa or the blow to my head or simply a guilt attack for having gone to a drinking party.

  I go straight to bed, but before I go to sleep I tell God that I'm sony for being such a hypocrite, and I ask Him to forgive me and to help me do better in the upcoming new year.

  Six

  Sunday, January 1

  “You're awfully quiet,” Mom said as Dad drove us toward home today.

  “Just tired,” I told her. But what I was really feeling is guilt. Plain old ordinary guilt. I can't believe that, after I wrote about it in my column and even lectured Matthew about it last week, I actually went to a drinking party and even inadvertently consumed two drinks last night. I really do feel like a total hypocrite now. Oh, I know that God forgives me. But I'm having trouble forgiving myself.

  Not only that, I'm thinking of all the things that could've happened or gone wrong last night. Like what if Tyler hadn't been such a nice guy? Or what if someone had put something even stronger in my drink? I mean, there I was with a bunch of complete strangers, all older than me, and I was drinking! It just boggles my mind, and I'm more ashamed of myself than I can admit—to anyone besides God, that is.

  I cannot begin to imagine what Nat would say to me about this. And even Matthew, although I think he'd understand, but I'm sure I'd lose some respect in his eyes. I wonder what Maggie thinks of me. And here I thought I was going to. share my faith with her. All I did was manage to look like a total idiot. Aghh!!!

  After we get home, I try to distract myself by practicing violin, and though it works for a while, I am still feeling really guilty for making such a stupid decision last night. What is wrong with me? Okay, I realize that I'm human. I'm not perfect, and I'm expected to blow it occasionally. But it still really bugs me.

  Finally I decide to respond to some letters for this week's column. Maybe I think it's like doing penance, or maybe it's the old Buddhist thinking coming back. But I hope that doing something “good” might help to alleviate this feeling of guilt that keeps gnawing at me. Naturally, the first letter I pick up has to do with alcohol. It figures!

  Dear Jamie,

  When I was fifteen, I started drinking at parties and stuff with my friends. I thought it was just to have fun and loosen up. But now I'm seventeen, and I think I might have a drinking problem. I don't just drink with friends anymore. I drink when I get up in the morning. I go home for lunch so I can drink some more, or I sneak vodka into school in my water bottle. My parents are beginning to suspect that I've been sneaking alcohol from their liquor cabinet (which is true), but I also have a friend who buys it for me. This year my grades have really slipped, and if I don't get it together, I might not graduate in spring. Do you think it's possible that ?? an alcoholic? What should I do?

  Boozer Girl

  Okay, this might require some research on my part. This is a serious question, and I don't want to sound glib or trite in my answer to her. So I go online to do some research on teen alcoholism. I'm somewhat shocked to leam that millions of teens are confirmed alcoholics, and millions more have “drinking problems that are out of control.” I also leam a number of other disturbing things that I will include in my response to Boozer Girl.

  Dear Boozer Girl,

  Here's the good news-yuu are admitting you have a problem. Yes, it's quite likely you are an alcoholic, but you are not alone. Millions of teens have the same problem. More than three million teens are currently seeking help for their addiction. Help can be found through twelve-step self-help support groups like AA or by getting advice and support from a health care professional.

  Here's the bad news-if you don't get help, your life is at serious risk According to statistics, the three leading causes of teen deaths (automobile accidents, suicide, homicide) are almost always related to alcohol abuse. But even if you cheat death, you will probably suffer other problems like depression, anxiety or a variety of other social disorders that can really ruin your entire life.

  In other words, alcoholism is an extremely serious disease that you should get help for immediately. If you find you're unable to talk to your parents about your drinking problem, go to a school counselor, church counselor, or your own physician to find help. Be honest about how much and how often you drink, and make a plan with this person for a way to inform your parents. Chances are they will be as concerned as you are and want to help you find the help you need. But if they're not, you still need to get help ASAP. Bon't put this off.

  Just Jamie

  Realizing that the letter was not only longer than usual but pretty heavy in content, I decided to run it by my dad. I printed it out, then found him in his office, working on his computer. His face seemed fairly concerned, so much so that I decided not to interrupt him.

  “Oh?” he said as I was just turning to leave. “Kim, I didn't even see you there.” He removed his glasses, rubbed the bridge of his nose, then sighed deeply. “What s up?”

  I approached his desk. “I was about to ask you the same thing. You look kind of troubled, Dad. Something wrong at work?”

  He shook his head and glanced back at his screen, then I bent over to see what he was looking at. It turned out to be one of the very same cancer sites I'd looked at recently.

  “Oh.” I sank onto the chair across from his desk. “I've read that one too.”

  “I don't know why I bother. It's mostly just depressing news.”

  “But you keep hoping you'll find something new and encouraging.”

  He nodded. “Yeah, some amazing medical breakthrough that will change everything.”

  “I've kind of decided to avoid researching it anymore,” I admitted. “It just gets me too bummed.”

  He switched off his computer screen. “Maybe I should follow your lead.” Then he looked at the paper in my hand. “What's that?”

  “A letter for the column. I thought maybe you should read it first.” I handed it to him and waited for him to skim over it.

  “This sounds well done to me, Kim. I'm assuming your facts are correct.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I checked it online. Pretty sad, huh?”

  “It's too bad.” He handed the paper back. “By the way, I think you're doing a really great job on the column. Charlie is very happy with the responses we've been getting.”

  “Cool.” Now I considered confessing everything to him, telling him about the irony of me answering a letter about teen alcoholism after I was a guest at a drinking party just last night. But he already has Mom and her problems weighing heavy on his mind right now. Why add to his stress?

  “I really had a great time snowboarding last week,” I finally said for lack of anything else. “Thanks again for taking us up there.”

  He kind of smiled. “I expect you're ready to trade in your skis for a snowboard now.”

  I laughed. “Anything wrong with that?”

  He shook his head. “You're a working girl, Kim. Plus you have the Christmas money that Uncle Steve and Grandma Peterson sent. If you want to buy a snowboard, that's entirely up to you.”

  “Maybe I should look into a helmet too,” I told him.

  “Now, that sounds like good thinking to me.”

  I rubbed the back of my head. “I actually had a wipeout yesterday It kind of shook me up, and I
found myself wishing I'd taken your advice and rented a helmet.”

  “How about if I spring for the helmet. After all, your mind would be a terrible thing to waste, Kimmy.”

  I had to laugh at that. “Thanks, Dad; that'd be great. Maybe I can get it in time for the church snow trip.”

  And so it was that I never told him about my little drinking episode. I feel sort of bad, but at the same time, I don't think he really needs anything else to worry about right now. Even so, I still feel a little guilty—or maybe it's just hypocritical.

  Tuesday, January 3

  Matthew is quite impressed that I took up snowboarding. I think it's what helped to convince him to come to snow camp with our youth group next weekend. I haven't told him that I'm not bad for a beginner. I figure I'll let him make up his own mind about it when we get up to the snow.

  “I wish I could get a snowboard before then,” I tell Matthew during art.

  “Why don't you?”

  “Well, I looked online yesterday, and I'm not really sure what I want. Besides, it probably can't get here by Friday now.”

  “Why don't we go into the city to look around?” he suggests. “I know of a good shop, and they might even have some good deals since Christmas is, over with.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah. It's worth a try.”

  So I call my mom and tell her about my plan, and she seems okay with it. “Just drive safely,” she says like usual.

  “Take care,” I tell her then hang up. It occurs to me after hanging up that I never even asked how she was doing. I know she went to a doctor's appointment today, and I should've asked. But I also know that she doesn't really like to talk about it. Besides, I've been praying so hard that God will heal her. And I'm really believing that it can happen.

  “You're going to the city with Matthew?” Natalie asks me during lunch. She has a suspicious look, and I can tell she's not really comfortable with my relationship with Matthew. But I don't see what the big deal is. It's not like we're really dating anyway We're mostly just good friends.

  “Yeah,” I tell her. “And if it makes you feel any better, he's decided to go on the snow trip with our youth group.”

  Her eyes light up now. “That's great, Kim. Maybe he'll get saved after all.”

  Somehow this comment kind of bugs me, and it reminds me of what Maggie said about the Christian girls at her school. “So, are you saying that you'd accept Matthew if he was saved?”

  She kind of shrugs. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, it seems as if you don't like him very much, Nat.”

  “I worry about you dating a non-Christian, Kim. You know that.”

  “We're not really dating.”

  “Yeah, whatever.”

  “It just bugs me that you keep drawing this line between non-Christians and Christians. It seems like segregation or discrimination or something. Do you really think that's how Jesus wants us to treat people? I mean, think about it. When Jesus started ministering on earth, NO ONE was a Christian. And He hung out with everyone. In fact, according to what I read in my Bible, He was pretty down on the religious guys who acted like they were better than everyone else.”

  Nat looks slightly offended now. “Are you saying that I'm like that?”

  “Not exactly…but sometimes you can come across that way.”

  “Well, my youth pastor is always reminding us that light and darkness don't mix. And he warns us against dating non-Christians.”

  “Matthew and I are NOT dating.”

  “Call it what you like, Kim. But you're getting more and more involved with him. I mean, you guys exchanged Christmas presents.”

  “I thought you were okay with that.”

  “I'm trying to be okay with it, Kim. For your sake. But I still worry about you. You're still kind of a baby Christian and—”

  “A baby Christian?” Now this really irks me. “What's that supposed to mean?”

  “It's from the Bible, Kim.” Now, if you ask me, the tone of Nat's voice is sounding pretty condescending. “And it means that you haven't been walking with the Lord long, and you might get tripped up pretty easily, especially if you start dating a non-Christian.”

  I take in a deep breath and literally bite my tongue to keep from saying something I might regret.

  “Don't get all offended,” she says quickly. “I'm only telling you this because I love you, Kim. I don't want to see you get hurt. And I really don't want to see you falling away from the Lord.”

  “Sorry, I can't give you a ride home,” I say in a flat voice.

  “That's okay,” she says lightly “I'll ask Cesar for a lift.”

  Poor Cesar, I'm thinking as I wait for Matthew to meet me after school. I mean, Natalie still has this huge “secret” crush on him. And Cesar is still committed to not dating. And in all fairness, Nat is pretty good-looking. I wonder if it's tough for him to be around her when she's practically throwing herself at him. Okay, she's not throwing herself. Nat's got more class than that. Marissa's the one who throws herself at him.

  “Hey, Kim,” says Matthew. “Ready to roll?”

  I smile at him and wonder why Nat insists on making such a big deal about him being a “non-Christian” and who came up with that word anyway? And I gotta ask myself, what would Jesus do?

  I already know that Matthew went to Robert's New Year's Eve party but also that he got disgusted and left. And he actually admitted that he was tempted to stop by the skating rink and that he would've if I'd been there. But he felt uncomfortable showing up at a church party on his own.

  “They would've made you feel welcome,” I had assured him. “And Cesar would've been there…” But he wasn't convinced. At the time I was tempted to tell him about what I did on New Year's Eve, but somehow I just couldn't bring myself to admit to being such an idiot.

  However, as I'm driving into the city, I decide that it's time to come clean with someone. Maybe it has to do with my conversation with Nat and feeling like I'm a bit of a hypocrite, but I decide to just spill the beans with Matthew.

  “No way!” he practically yells after I finish my little tale.

  I nod without looking at him. “And it's not like I'm proud of myself. In fact, I'm really feeling—”

  “I cannot believe you did that, Kim, especially after the way you raked me over the coals just for considering going to Robert's party.”

  “Raked you over the coals?”

  “Well, you were pretty adamant about me not going.”

  “I just didn't think it was a good idea. I don't think—”

  “But it's okay for you to go out partying with a bunch of college kids who you don't even know. And then to drink—”

  “I didn't know there was anything in the cocoa,” I tell him again.

  “Peppermint Schnapps,” he says.

  “Huh?”

  “That's what they put in your drink. Some people call it a Peppermint Patty.”

  “Oh…”

  Now he pats me on the shoulder. “It's okay, Kim. I'm not trying to get down on you. In fact, I think it's kind of cool that you stepped out of your little shell.”

  “My little shell?”

  “You know, the little Christian protective shell that some—”

  “I don't have a Christian protective shell!”

  “Hey, don't get mad. You're not as bad as Natalie. She wears hers like it's a superman cloak that will protect her from everything.”

  “Do you really see it like that?”

  “Kind of…”

  “I'm surprised you'd want to go on the snow trip retreat then.”

  “Well, I'm hoping the boarding will be good. Besides, you're going.” He playfully pokes me in the arm now, and I'm not sure how to respond. Between Matthew and Natalie, I'm feeling a little confused. “And Cesar's going too,” he adds. “And I think he's an okay guy.”

  “Really?” For some reason this gives me hope.

  “Oh, he's a little uptight when it comes to chic
ks. But you gotta respect him for sticking to his convictions. I'm sure it's not easy”

  “So, have you lost respect for me?” I ask in a weak voice. “I mean, because of going to that party? Do you think I'm a hypocrite?”

  “Not at all. I guess I think you're still trying to figure some things out, Kim. And I actually respect you because you're honest about it. You didn't have to tell me, you know.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “It's those Christians who act like they're all perfect that bug me. At least you're not like that.”

  “Thanks, I think…” Suddenly I'm remembering things that Maggie said to me, and I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable.

  “Have you ever seen that movie ‘Saved’?”

  “I've heard of it, but I've never seen it.”

  “You should rent it sometime. Maybe invite Natalie over to watch it with you.” Then he kind of laughs. “Just don't tell her the title, or she might flip out.”

  Before long were downtown, and I'm looking for a place to park near the snowboard shop. I'm not sure why, but I feel a little better now that I told Matthew about blowing it. And it's not because he was okay with it as much as I felt I owed it to him, especially after being so down on him about the possibility of going to Robert's party. And I suppose, like they say, confession really is good for the soul.

  We look at lots and lots of snowboards, and the sales guy is really pretty helpful and knowledgeable. But talk about an information overload. After a while I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed, plus most of the ones he's shown us are way out of my ballpark.

  “It's not like I need the best board out there,” I finally say “I mean, I'm still just a beginner. The girl I hung with last week suggested I get a Lamar. Do you have any of those?”

  He scratches his head. “As a matter of fact, I just got one returned. It was a Christmas present, but the girls mom said ‘no way.’ Her daughter was like twelve, and the dad had gotten it, but the mom thought she was too young to take up snowboarding. Of course, we thought that was totally bogus. I mean, I know kids who aren't even school aged who tear up the slopes on their boards. Anyway, she brought back a Lamar Fascination, and it's all set for someone just about your size.”