Meant to Be

by Melody Carlson

  Okay, it's kind of insulting that he thinks I'm the size of a twelve-year-old, but then I can't really argue with him either since it's probably true. “Can I see the board?”

  He goes into the back and emerges with a blue snowboard and a pair of boots. “These boots are pretty small. Women's size six,” he says a bit tentatively, and I actually clap my hands.

  “I wear a six!”

  Within seconds I have on the boots, am clamped onto the snowboard which has some very cool graphics and great shades of blue, and am trying it out on this shag carpet-covered box they've designed specifically for this purpose. As far as I can tell it's perfect, but I don't want to let on. I sit back down to remove the boots and then look up at the salesman.

  “I don't have a lot to spend on this,” I say slowly. “I'm guessing it's going to be too much.”

  “Well, this board retails at about three hundred dollars.”

  I firmly shake my head. “No way,” I say sadly. “I can't afford—”

  “Wait a minute. I'm trying to make you a deal here. Because of the return and the fact that this pretty much needs to be sold as a package, we can give it to you for quite a bit less. Let me go talk to my boss.”

  So he leaves for a while, and Matthew assures me that they should give me a good deal. “They'd have a hard time finding anyone who fits that board package the way its set up now. It's reafly in their best interest to make you happy and get rid of it while they can.”

  “Do you know that I actually prayed about this?” I suddenly tell him. “Just as we were walking into the store, I shot up this quick silent prayer that God would help me find the perfect snowboard, or else that I'd simply forget about the whole thing and just rent one during snow camp.”

  “Well, that Lamar looks about perfect for you.”

  After a couple of minutes, the manager comes back out with the sales guy and tells me I can take the entire package off their hands for a mere $150.1 try not to act too surprised. But I do thank him—several times in fact. Then I ask the salesman to help me find a good helmet. “I promised my dad that I'd get one,” I explain to him and Matthew.

  “I can't believe it,” I say as Matthew helps me carry the stuff to my Jeep. “It was like a real live miracle.”

  “I'm surprised to hear myself saying this, Kim, but I gotta agree with you there. That whole package would've been close to five hundred dollars at regular price. I mean, I know they give good deals, but that was a total steal!”

  “God IS good!” I shout as I unlock the Jeep.

  He laughs and carefully slides my new board into the back of my car. “Well, at least He's good to you, Kim.”

  Seven

  Thursday, January 5

  I'm so excited about the snow retreat! And here's the latest greatest news—Natalie is coming too! She was feeling bad during lunch yesterday. We were all sitting there talking about how cool it was going to be, and she was really wishing that her church would have a ski trip.

  “I don't see why anyone would want to go to any kind of church camp,” said Marissa. “I was forced to go to one once, and I swore that I'd never do that again.…

  “And you've been swearing ever since too,” Jake added with a grin.

  “Maybe it's time you tried it again, Marissa,” said Chloe. “According to my brother, Josh, this one is supposed to be really good.” But Marissa looked unconvinced.

  “And you and Affie are both going too?” Nat said with a longing voice. She still acts a little bit like a groupie sometimes when it comes to Chloe's band.

  “Yeah. It's the last fun thing we get to do before we go back on tour.”

  “Man, I wish I could go.” Nat sighed.

  “Why don't you just come along,” suggested Cesar. “It's not like you have to belong to our church. Josh, our youth pastor, said we can invite anyone we want.”

  “And Matthew's coming,” I reminded her.

  “Yeah,” said Matthew. “And I don't go to church anywhere.”

  Marissa dramatically rolled her eyes and stood up. “You guys make me wanna hurl.” She looked directly at Matthew. “I don't know how you can stand it for a whole weekend.”

  Fortunately Matthew seemed to ignore her. But I must admit to being a little worried about how he'd react to being cooped up with a bunch of Christians for that long.

  Nat told Cesar that she'd think about it, but when she and I were alone, she admitted to me that she couldn't afford it anyway. “Especially after Christmas,” she said. “I'm pretty much broke, and Mom's in debt up to her eyeballs. Youshould've seen the stuff she got for us kids. She knew our dad wasn't going to do anything for anyone, so she maxed out her credit cards. It'll probably take her a whole year just to catch up.”

  “That's too bad,” I told her, but by then it was time to go our separate ways. Then, seeing Cesar on my way into chemistry, I got an idea.

  “Hey, Cesar,” I said in a lowered voice. “Do you think Faith Fellowship ever offers scholarships for kids to go to things like snow camp?”

  “You mean for Natalie?”

  I nodded.

  “I could talk to Josh.”

  “I might be able to contribute a little,” I told him.

  ’Til get back to you on it.”

  And as it turned out, they do have a “scholarship” fund. Cesar, Jake, and I all contributed to it, and an “unknown benefactor” covered the rest. At first Nat was a little embarrassed about being a “charity case,” but then I reminded her that God is the one who should be credited for this. “You wouldn't want to push His gift away, would you?” So it's set—she's going!

  My new snowboard is leaning up against the wall in my bedroom, and I'm just itching to get out there on it. But I must admit that I felt a little guilty when I realized that Nat doesn't even have a board. I considered loaning her my skis, but they'd be way too small. And she doesn't know how to ski or snowboard for that matter. But then I heard that a lot of the kids, including Cesar, are going to be tubing anyway So my guess is she'll be okay with that. I just hope she's not going on this retreat in an attempt to hook up with Cesar. That would be so totally stupid.

  Sometimes it does seem unfair that Nat's family is struggling so hard. Her mom trying to support three kids while the dad is God only knows where. He never sends them a penny. And then here I am an only child, and my parents, though not rich, are very generous to me. Not for the first time, I'm thinking that I need to learn to be more generous. I guess I should ask God to show me ways that I can do that.

  In the meantime I want to get a couple of letters done for next week s column. The first one I read has to do with giving, and I think it might do me good to answer it.

  Dear Jamie,

  I just watched this TV show that had a special segment about all these kids in Africa and how their parents had died from AIDS so that now they're orphans and they're living in these really awful conditions with up to twenty kids per hut and how they struggle just to get clean water and enough food to survive and a lot of them are sick with AIDS too and it just seems so totally unfair that I feel guilty for having a nice house and food and clothes and stuff and I just wish there was some way I could help them but I don't know what to do and it's making me really depressed.

  Guilty Guy

  Wow, talk about your run-on sentences and total lack of punctuation. But this guy is actually making a pretty good point here. And so once again, I'm going to do some research on the Internet and see what I can come up with.

  Dear Guilty Guy,

  I know what you mean about feeling guilty about having so much when there are others with so little, h fact, your letter motivated me to do a little online research, and I actually discovered an organization that I have decided to partner with myself. It's the World Vision, and they have a fantastic track record for giving. But what really got me was that you get to sponsor a real child from anywhere in the world, and they send you the photo and updates and everything. So f decided to ffadoptff a girl from Uganda-a
n AIDS orphan just like you wrote about. Her name is Sarai, and she's ten years old. And for only twenty-five dollars a month, she will have food, clothes, shelter, and schooling. What a deal! Anyway this is their website-in case you or any other reader is interested in making a difference out there, http://www.wvi.org/wvi/home.htm Thanks so much for bringing this up!

  Just Jamie

  I checked with my dad first, just to make sure this is okay to do, plus I had to promise him twenty-five doflars (from my next paycheck) so he could use his credit card for my sponsorship of Sarai. I'm so excited about this. I printed out her photo from the website, but they'll send me a packet with more information later. Already, I'm wondering if I should sponsor more kids. And my parents are looking into it too. And who knows what Guilty Guy's letter might inspire others to do. This is so cool! The next letter I answer isn't quite as encouraging, but I felt like I couldn't ignore it either.

  Dear Jamie,

  ?? considering suicide. I know some people think that it's wrong to take your own life, but I don't see how I can go on living. Every day seems to be more painful than the last one. I just can't see any reason for me to continue. I don't even know why ?? writing this letter to you. I guess it's just my last pathetic cry for help.

  Totally Hopeless

  Dear Totally Hopeless,

  First of all, I'm sorry that your life is so painful I don't know what your circumstances are, but I do know your circumstance will probably improve-eventually I think everyone goes through dark times when it seems hopeless. But those times don't last forever. On the other hand, suicide is forever. Death is final. You don't get a second chance. I believe that God put you on this planet for a reason, and it's not up to you to decide when it's time to exit. Why not ask God to help you-to give you a reason to live? And consider this, you think life is bad now, what if you killed yourself and discovered that you made a huge mistake-a mistake that could never be undone? How miserable would you be then? Talk to a counselor or youth pastor or trusted friend. Tell them how you feel and get help now.

  Just Jamie

  Both of the writers of these letters go onto my evergrowing prayer list, but I underline Totally Hopeless s name, and I spend about ten minutes really praying for her/him. I wish I could send my answer directly instead of waiting for the paper to run it on Tuesday. But hopefully God will watch over this person until then. And hopefully my response will encourage this person to reconsider. I was tempted to write about people who are struggling just to live—like AIDS orphans in Africa or moms with cancer in the U.S.—but I figured that might only dilute the message. Still, I'm not sure.

  Eight

  Sunday, January 8

  The snow trip was totally awesome! I'm not even sure what the best part was. Our cabin counselor was Josh Miller's fiancee, Caitlin O'Conner, and she was really great. Talk about a role model—I seriously hope that I'll be just a little bit like her someday. I'd heard good things about her from Chloe, but for some reason I wasn't convinced.

  For one thing, she's really pretty. Now I realize that’ it's not fair, but sometimes I don't take really good-looking people too seriously. That's pretty judgmental on my part, but it's just how I am.

  Anyway, when I first met her, I kind of assumed that this attractive blue-eyed blond chick might be kind of an airhead. Don't ask me why. I mean, my best friend, Natalie, is a pretty blue-eyed blonde, and, well, to be totally honest, she can be a little fluffy sometimes. Even so, I totally love her (just in case you're reading this, Nat, which you better not be!!!). And there's actually more to Nat than meets the eye likewise, I discovered that Caitlin has real depth to her too. For starters, she really loves God—like totally and wholeheartedly and would do anything for Him. And she also has a heart for children and is willing to be a foreign missionary. For years she's been involved with this mission in Mexico that runs an orphanage, and she told us she wouldn't mind spending her honeymoon there! She said since she and Josh had already planned to volunteer there this summer, it might be that's where they go after the wedding. Go figure.

  And it's not like Caitlin doesn't know how to have a good time. I mean, she totally enjoys life, she's in love with her fiance, and she really knows how to have fun. She was great at getting girls to open up during our cabin times. I guess I was one of the more quiet ones, since I still feel unsure about a lot of things.

  And it hasn't helped my confidence knowing that Natalie thinks I'm a “baby” Christian. So I kind of like to just keep my mouth shut when people are discussing “spiritual” things. Partly because I HATE looking stupid, and partly because I learn more by just listening. Even so, I had a couple of good one-on-one chats with Caitlin.

  “Chloe told me that you don't believe in dating,” I said to her as we shared a chairlift on Saturday morning.

  Caitlin laughed. “Word gets around, doesn't it?”

  “Well, I think you've inspired Cesar. You know he doesn't date either.”

  “Josh told me about that. And I have to respect him for it. It's not easy for a guy to make a commitment like that.”

  “So you really think it's wrong to date then?”

  She thought about this for a moment. “It's a totally individual thing, Kim. Something you have to figure out for yourself.”

  “So how did you figure it out?”

  “Well, I dated for a while in high school. I mean, not much really…it wasn't like I was going out all the time or anything like that. But there came a time when God made it crystal clear to me that it was wrong. At the time I thought that meant dating was wrong for everyone, and I kind of went on this campaign to convince all my friends to give up dating too.”

  She threw back her head and laughed loudly. “Man, they'd get so mad at me sometimes. They called me Preacher Girl and even started running when they saw me coming. I was pretty pathetic really I think I'd gotten it into my head that I sort of knew it all—I mean, when it came to God's will and spiritual things.”

  “That kind of reminds me of my best friend,” I said without thinking.

  “Natalie?”

  I nodded but felt embarrassed that I'd admitted as much.

  Caitlin smiled. “I think Natalie has a good heart, Kim, but like the rest of us, she might have some growing up to do too. In fact, she kind of reminds me of how I was at her age.”

  I thought that was a pretty nice compliment for Natalie but didn't say as much.

  “Its taken time, and I still don't have it down, but I've learned that convictions have to come from God, Kim. If we create our own convictions, we usually fall into the trap of thinking we're performing for God—like we can make up all these rules and jump through these hoops, and somehow it makes God happy. But it just doesn't work that way.”

  I consider this, but to be honest I don't totally get it. I mean, I know God wants us to obey Him and to do what's right. I'm just not always sure what's right. “So, you're saying it's okay to date unless God tells you not to?”

  “Something like that. But you have to be paying attention too. Some people assume that just because they don't audibly hear God telling them something that He's not. But sometimes He's sending us all kinds of signals and messages, but we're just not paying attention. You know what I mean?”

  “Sort of.”

  We talked a while longer then somehow got onto the subject of her wedding, and to my surprise she asked me about playing violin for their cerenciony.

  “Chloe's the one who told me you were really good,” she said. “But I'll totally understand if you're not interested.”

  “Not interested?” I echoed with slight disbelief. “Of course, I'm interested. Do you want me to audition?”

  “Judging by what Chloe and Allie say, I don't think it's necessary. But how do you feel about ‘Ave Maria?”

  “I think its beautiful.”

  “And you know it?”

  “Sure.” I had to smile now since not only do I know it, but I recently learned it so I could play it for my mom during Christm
as this year. “And really,” I told Caitlin, “I'd love to play it for you and Josh.” Well, I couldn't believe how excited she was about this.

  “Its so amazing, Kim,” she told me as we reached the crest of the hill. “Watching the way God is working to bring the wedding details together already. Its like I hardly have to do anything. Everything just seems to be falling into place. But I truly believe its because Josh and I are doing this according to God's timing. That's really important.”

  I'm not sure that I'll ever have it as together as Caitlin O'Conner, but like I said, she's a pretty good role model for me to imitate. Although she tried to make it very clear to the girls in her cabin that she was just as human as the rest of us. And while I'm sure that's true, you can't miss the way girls like Chloe and Allie and the rest totally admire her.

  Even Natalie was pretty impressed. “If I wasn't so involved in my own church, I'd consider switching over,” she told me as we rode home today.

  But it wasn't just Caitlin who made the weekend spedai. Josh's messages were powerful too. He gave us all a New Years challenge to allow God to become bigger in our lives. Even Matthew seemed to think about this during last night s meeting, although he never really said anything.

  Now here's the funny thing. I thought Matthew was going on this trip to mostly spend time with me, and while we did ride a fair amount together, he spent a lot of his free time with Cesar and the other guys. And I actually felt slightly offended by this. Okay, I'm only human and a “baby” Christian at that. But I guess I'd expected Matthew to be a little more interested in me.

  However, he was impressed with my snowboarding skill. And that was worth a lot! “I can't believe you only just started, Kim,” he said after we completed a fairly challenging run (at least for me—although I tried to hide it). “You're doing really great.”

  “That's probably because I'm so short,” I said. “Someone told me that short people have the advantage to maneuver more easily since we're so low to the ground. But then your weight gives you the advantage to go faster.”