The Adventures of HAL: The Second Hilarious Glothic Tale (The Glothic Tales Book 2)

by Haines, Derek

  ‘Where am I Zippnak?’

  ‘Please, call me Zippy Hal. Everyone else does. And I think you folks on Erde call that Saturn.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Look, my visitor was a friend from security Hal. They’re on the lookout for a stowaway. I reckon it must be you.’

  ‘Well, I really didn’t mean to Zippy. I just got a bit curious, and well, one thing after another happened and …,’ Hal said and lost concentration as something big zoomed directly towards the viewing screen and then seemed to veer right and just miss. He ducked his head in a reflex action.

  ‘It’s ok Hal. Just an asteroid. The shields protect us from all that stuff.’

  ‘I really would just like to go home.’

  ‘Where’s home Hal?’

  ‘Brisbane.’

  ‘Sorry, never heard of it. C’mon, let’s see what we can do with you,’ Zippy said and started leading Hal back to the laundry − Hal shaking his head in disbelief with Zippy looking at him sympathetically. Pity neither was looking up otherwise they would’ve seen the security patrol approaching them from the end of the corridor. By the time they did look up, it was a little too late. Hal had a moment to admire Zippy for his quick thinking, even though it meant the end of Hal’s tenure in the laundry.

  ‘Your stowaway Officer Nazzdi,’ Zippy immediately said seizing the moment. ‘Found him on the viewing deck.’

  ‘Well done Zippy,’ Nazzdi replied. ‘Would you come with me please?’ he asked Hal, who decided that with two other nasty looking uniformed gentlemen pointing even nastier looking weapons at him, his choices were rather limited. He expected handcuffs or something, but was pleasantly surprised when he was simply asked by Officer Nazzdi to please come this way. The two other men following and Hal surmised they were still pointing something nasty at him.

  ‘What’s your name?’

  ‘Hal. Hal Hoop.’

  ‘And what are you doing on board a Glothic Cosmic Cruiser?’

  ‘I don’t quite know. Sorta got on by accident really.’

  ‘What do you mean, by accident?’

  ‘Well, I got a bit too curious about some people I know, and the next thing I knew, I was here.’

  ‘Alright, we’ll discuss this in detail with the Duty Officer.’

  The conversation ended, but even though Hal was a little concerned about being under arrest on an alien spaceship that was just passing Saturn, he did notice that Zippy was correct. The radioactive translation did work instantly now but it was like watching a dubbed foreign movie. The words were just fine, but completely out of sync with the mouth and lip movement.

  Having only been set free from what was more or less solitary confinement under the Vatican less than a few hours ago, Hal was most unhappy to be locked up again. There was no mistake that this was incarceration as it had all the hallmarks of a regular prison cell. One steel bed, one steel chair and one steel toilet all enclosed in steel bars. Hal only called it all steel, but had time enough to think that it was probably something more technological given that it was an alien space craft he was imprisoned on. His meals were an unappetising purple colour usually, and had a texture that reminded him of melted plastic. Except for breakfast, which consisted of a lime, almost ‘baby poop’ green substance that wobbled, accompanied by a cup of Murgrum, which at least tasted like tea. There was no doubt that he was not going to put on weight while he was here.

  It was a pity Hal was still locked up when his Cosmic Cruiser approached Gloth. Anyone who sees Gloth for the first time is usually amazed by the beauty of its attractive pink oceans and uniformly pale mauve rivers with remarkably few twists and turns. Instead, he was oblivious to the craft’s approach and subsequent landing.

  ‘Time to go Hal,’ was his first hint that something was happening.

  ‘Do you think I’ll ever get to go home?’ Hal asked his guard Sprutz, who had been rather nice to him − for a nasty looking armed guard.

  ‘I can’t say Hal. Not up to me. By the way, where’s home?’

  ‘Brisbane.’

  ‘Sorry, never heard of it. This way, a transporter is waiting for you.’

  ‘Where am I going?’

  ‘Gloth City lock up Hal.’

  A Long Way From Home

  ‘You’ve got a visitor Hal,’ the guard said and Hal looked up to see the rather annoyed face of Sir Bradley Sidebottom looking down at him.

  ‘You’re a long way from home Hal,’ Bradley said in a very unfriendly cold manner.

  ‘Yes, I really …..,’ Hal started but tripped over the chair next to his bed in his cell as he tried to get up too quickly.

  ‘Oh come on Halbert! Get off the floor, we have things to discuss,’ Bradley ordered as he indicated for the guard to open the door to Hal’s barred cell. Hal recovered his stance and the guard guided him behind Bradley who was already on his way somewhere. Hal and his guard followed, and Hal wasn’t surprised to be deposited in a room already populate by William Minor-Morris, the Archduke of Chester and president of the Camera Stellata. Bradley joined Minor-Morris on one side of a totally transparent table and sat down, while Hal’s guard guided him to sit on the opposite side. On a similarly transparent chair. All the transparency was quite off putting for Hal, as he could feel the table and chair, but couldn’t really see them. The files Minor-Morris was fiddling with seemed to be suspended in the air, but were really lying on top of the table.

  ‘I’m very disappointed,’ Minor-Morris began. ‘I really had high hopes for you Halbert. Thought you were made of tougher stuff, but seems stupidity runs in your family.’

  Hal’s ears pricked at the comment, as he was expecting bad news, but not a reference to his father. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well in all fairness, your father only had a big mouth. He didn’t end up getting himself lost on a Cosmic Cruiser and ending up in detention on Gloth.’

  ‘Are you saying my father was in trouble with the Camera Stellata?’ Hal’s question was met with two cold looks and silence. ‘He didn’t die accidentally?’ Again cold looks and silence. Hal waited.

  ‘You have broken your vows to the Camera Stellata young man,’ Bradley stated coldly.

  ‘Nobody mentioned space ships and weird planets during my induction. Just to be fair about this,’ Hal protested.

  ‘So why did you follow us?’

  ‘I just got curious.’

  ‘Well, very fortunate for you that you’re not a cat then young Halbert,’ Minor-Morris added, but it seemed a remarkably unfunny pun to Hal. Bradley at least raised a quarter of a nasty smile.

  ‘So, can I go home?’ Hal asked deciding to cut to the chase immediately and wait to see what happened.

  ‘I’m very sorry Halbert. Under the laws of the Camera Stellata, your fate is clearly defined. It is my unpleasant duty to issue a T2 order upon you,’ Minor-Morris explained.

  ‘What’s a T2?’

  ‘A T2 order is issued for all, but may I say very rare, recalcitrant members of the Camera Stellata. It means transportation to Terranova Two for an indeterminately long time. You should consider yourself fortunate though, as my other lawful option was elimination.’

  ‘Terranova Two? What’s that?’

  ‘A small planet some way past Pluto,’ Bradley explained.

  ‘I can’t believe this, I must be dreaming.’

  ‘Unfortunately no young Halbert.’

  ‘But if I went back, I would just go home to Brisbane and forget about everything,’ Hal started to plead as he realised this was not going well.

  ‘Halbert, you should’ve understood from your induction training that the Camera Stellata is a very serious responsibility. It runs Earth Halbert. Its secrecy is what drives its power. Without that, the entire civilised world would collapse and regress to being savage tribes killing each other on a daily basis,’ Minor-Morris explained.

  ‘Savage tribes killing each other? Sounds about the situation now, so what have you really achieved then?’ Hal asked with clear sarcasm
.

  ‘I’m very sorry Halbert. I don’t think there’s anything more to discuss,’ Minor-Morris said as he began to stand up with Bradley following in unison.

  Hal knew it was pointless, but before he could think straight he blurted out, ‘And what about my inheritance then?’

  ‘Minor-Morris turned slowly as he approached the door and nodded thoughtfully. ‘Yes Halbert, I signed the documents. Pity you won’t see any of it, but at least if you have any family worth mentioning, they can fight over it in years to come.’

  With that both men left, and Hal was then escorted back to his cell. ‘You ever heard of a place called Terranova Two?’ he asked his guard.

  ‘Mainly mining I think, so can’t be much of a place.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Hal said as his guard locked his cell.

  *****

  Glothic Cosmic Cruisers are huge shining balls of silver that can carry a population of passengers equal to a large city and offer the finest in silver service and inter-planetary or inter-Sun System travelling comfort. Unfortunately for Hal, they don’t have a service going to Terranova Two, nor are they used to transport miners and prisoners. Therefore, although he didn’t get to enjoy any of the creature comforts on his first, accidental and probably only ever Cosmic Cruiser trip, he could tell the difference in travelling conditions as soon as he boarded the Glothic Mining Cargo Shuttle bound for his new planetary home.

  Dirty, rusty, brown and smelling of men, sweat and something oddly metallic yet sickening.

  ‘What’s that weird smell?’ Hal asked his only travelling companion apart from the crew in the cockpit.

  ‘Plitzominium. Stinks doesn’t it?’

  ‘Yes,’ Hal said and was met with silence.

  After a short while, Hal felt the vibrations that were clearly indicating he was about to leave Gloth. Unlike the smooth ride of a Cosmic Cruiser, this felt more like riding inside a tin can full of ball bearings. It rattled, creaked, groaned and vibrated so much that Hal was in fear for the state of his kidneys. He held on for dear life to the metal seat he was in, and wondered why such a technologically advanced people hadn’t thought to fit seat belts. Just when he thought the vibrating and rattling couldn’t get any worse; it did. Even if he had wanted to strike up a nervous conversation with the man sitting next to him, it was impossible due to the noise and need to hold on with every ounce of his strength. As the hideous clattering and vibrating started to ease a fraction, he noticed out of the corner of his eye that his travelling companion wasn’t holding on, and seemed to be perfectly relaxed and comfortable. Once at what was probably a cruising altitude and heading, the craft stabilised to simply bobbing and rattling a lot.

  ‘You’ve done this before obviously,’ Hal said.

  The man flicked a small switch on the side of his seat and stood up. He undid the front of his shirt a little to reveal a belt around his chest. ‘Bad luck they didn’t issue you with a magnetic seat belt,’ he laughed.

  Hal didn’t respond. Then decided to ask anyway. ‘Why are you going to Terranova Two?’

  ‘To make sure you get off.’

  Silence accompanied Hal for the rest of his journey.

  *****

  The Cargo Shuttle started its final approach, and through his small port hole Hal could see a lot of dry, dusty olive grey getting closer. As it neared the landing area, he did start to see a few signs of life. A fence, a small building and a few rusting hulks in an area of dry, dusty olive grey, but then a neatly marked grid area of bright yellow lines. The shuttle approached one of the bright yellow boxes within the grid and as it neared the ground he could see that it was clearly marked as AG21.

  Without any ado or farewells, Hal was led from the shuttle to a very small empty building that seemed to be trying very hard to pass itself off as an arrival terminal. It failed miserably. His still as yet un-introduced, so unnamed travelling companion deposited Hal in what was meant to be an arrival area. There was one bench seat attached to the right hand wall.

  ‘Sit down there and wait.’

  Hal complied, as there was no other place to sit anyway, and placed his small suitcase on the floor next to himself and hugged his hippie sack.

  ‘Someone will be along to collect you. Have a nice time here,’ the unnamed man said and then disappeared off back to the Cargo Shuttle and presumably home to Gloth and the wife and kids. After half an hour Hal heard the familiar ball bearings inside a tin can sound that probably meant his transport was leaving.

  The arrival hall was empty except for the bench Hal was sitting on. He got up, had a look around, peered outside into a murky olive grey darkness and came to the conclusion that he was completely alone. All he could do was wait. Thoughts of Narelle, houses, barbecues, Brisbane, Debbie and Darrel, Bruce and Nimbin and XXXX off the wood at the Brekky Creek Hotel came flooding back into his mind. He sniffed as anyone would when enveloped by so much sadness and regret. However, it just developed into a sneezing attack for poor Hal.

  Poor timing again later for Hal, because after waiting for two hours, he completely missed the entry of the someone he had been waiting for during another sneezing attack.

  A New Life

  ‘Gesundheit, I’m Addly Sniddleykrimp.’

  ‘Atchoom! Eh, thank you. Who?’

  ‘Addly Sniddleykrimp but everyone here calls me Add.’

  ‘Oh, nice to meet you…Atchoom!…er, Add. I’m Hal Hoop.’

  ‘Nasty allergy you’ve got by the sound of it.’

  ‘I seem to react badly to dust.’

  ‘Oh well that might be a problem then Hal. This planet’s as dusty as hell.’

  ‘Thanks for the reassurance.’

  ‘That’s ok,’ Add said missing Hal’s attempt at sarcasm completely. ‘I suppose you’ll need somewhere to stay then?’

  ‘Did someone tell you I was coming?’

  ‘No. I just pop my head in here each morning. You know, see who might have arrived.’

  ‘So you collect travellers?’

  ‘Wouldn’t say collect. Been a while since anyone arrived here.’

  ‘How long?’

  ‘Let me see? Er, I think it must have been about a hundred and sixty or seventy years ago now I think about it. A lad from a place called Inglend or something.’

  ‘England?’

  ‘That’s what I said.’

  ‘Nearly two hundred years ago?’ Hal asked almost in a state of shock.

  ‘About that. Can’t always be sure though. You know the years tend to run into each other.’

  ‘But, er, I mean, how old are you then?’

  ‘No idea really. We all tend to live for so damn long here, we just forget.’

  ‘So how long is long?’

  ‘Not sure about that either Hal. Just nobody ever seems to die here. Odd huh?’

  ‘Um, I think I’m a bit lost in all this,’ Hal admitted.

  ‘Yep. Always been the same for newcomers. Anyway, bet you must be hungry.’

  ‘Well, probably more thirsty than anything else, but I really don’t know what I’m doing here.’

  ‘C’mon young fella. I’ll take you to TerraTunTun and see what we can organise for you. I’ve got my Cribbler out front.’

  Hal grabbed his small suitcase and followed Add. He didn’t ask what a Cribbler was as he was tired of asking questions. But by the time he exited the arrival hall he knew.

  ‘A school bus!’

  ‘No, a Cribbler Hal.

  *****

  On the slow bumpy drive to TerraTunTun, Add asked Hal how he managed to get himself dumped on Terranova Two. After a long explanation about the Camera Stellata, his dead father, the Vatican, Rome and a private jet, Add seemed to understand Hal’s situation well enough.

  ‘So you were a bad boy then?’

  ‘No Add. I’m the good guy. They were all the bad ones.’

  ‘Gotcha Hal. Now, do you have any experience in plitzominium mining?’

  ‘What’s plitzominium?’

  ‘So th
at’s a no then.’

  ‘Why do you ask?’

  ‘Well it’s the singular and only activity on Terranova Two.’

  ‘So do you work in these mines?’

  ‘No, I run a guest house.’

  ‘And you only have guests every two hundred years or so.’

  ‘I’m not building an empire here Hal.’

  Addly parked his Cribbler in front of his guest house. There were no signs saying guest house, or even bar or diner. In fact there were seemingly no signs at all in TerraTunTun. Not even signs of life. Well except for one very old rusty sign just before entering TerraTunTun that read, ‘TerraTunT..,’ as part of it was missing. The dusty main and only street was deserted and had a Wild West ghost town feel about it. Hal had the odd feeling that some nasty cowboy would soon appear out of nowhere and spit on the ground. He wasn’t that lucky. Add invited him for breakfast instead. Hal accepted, but very soon would probably have wished he hadn’t.

  ‘Take a seat Hal, I’ll be back in a shake with some breakfast.’

  Hal looked around. The room was furnished sparingly with one lone table and six wooden chairs. There was a shadowy mark on one wall that looked like a picture frame once hung there a very long time ago, and a green umbrella leaning lifelessly in a corner.

  Addly returned quite quickly with his arms full of plates. An odd purple and green mixture that resembled porridge accompanied by something that looked a little like pasta but with a more shiny, gooey plastic appearance.

  ‘What is it?’ Hal asked.

  ‘It’s a traditional TerraTunTun dish. It’s called Turdling Hurdles,’ Add announced proudly. ‘Hope you’re hungry.’

  Hal checked the food in a similar manner to how a dog would react to being presented with a pineapple for dinner. Finally and with lashings of bravery, he got a small spoonful to pass his nose and head for his mouth. He was shocked. It looked bad, it smelled bad, it wobbled bad but it tasted wonderful.

  ‘You like it?’ Add asked.

  ‘Er, yes. I think I do,’ Hal replied between mouthfuls.

  ‘Coffee?’

  Hal was shocked again, but this time with the familiarity of the word. ‘Yes, thank you,’ he replied and then hoped for the best. Add poured and Hal took a cautious sip. ‘It’s real coffee.’